Wife would be ok never having sex again

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is admirable that OP is ignoring the off topic general blather from both sides and truly trying to find solutions.

Maintenance sex and scheduled sex worked well for us until the kids got a bit older (early elementary) and things got a bit less chaotic.

Since we have three young children, we try to schedule sex every Sunday night as though it's a date. That means an early dinner, get the kids to bed early so we can relax a little before we go to bed. We've been very successful with this approach. We also try to have sex at least one more time a week and that tends to be a seize the moment kind of event. If I initiate it my DH rarely says no. If he initiates it I say I'm too tired about half the time and he knows it's the truth. When I initiate it DH knows I really want it and it gets very physical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - So, what's the verdict on maintenance sex?

My preference is to take the time to get her off. But, she'll sometimes offer a quickie. On the one hand, I'm not all that excited about sex she's not excited about. I don't want to reinforce any negativity she might have about sex.

On the other hand, creating a lot of expectation and pressure around her having an orgasm can be counterproductive. And, turning down quickies adds to the pattern of us getting out of the habit of having sex.

Anyway, she suggested one last night. I went with it. I thought it was pleasant, but it wasn't earth shaking for either of us. When I was done, I offered to keep going to get her there, but she said she didn't think it was in the cards.

So, are these more likely to reinforce negative feelings about sex for her or are these potentially building blocks to get our frequency up and hopefully lead to better quality as we get back in the habit of having sex?

If my husband truly acknowledged that he has put too much on me for most of our marriage AND changed his ways for ever.. Not just for a week but permanently, it would go a long way in our sex life. But if you are not willing to make amends and change the dynamic in your marriage, you are not going to see improvement in the bedroom. Be the change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not and MRA guy, but it really is easy if you have a good career, stay in shape and have a nice place in the city. My last GF said she feels guilty dating me since there’s so many women my age in her office who are single and looking.

Hahaha. You are so lying.

+1000. Lying and lonely.

First off, don't know PP, but not sure what the issue with being an MRA is...what? They want equal access to their children in case of divorce? They see the skyrocketing suicide rates and high college dropout rates of young men and are concerned? They see 95% of all workplace deaths are men and men take the really crappy jobs and want some recognition?

Second, he's right. It's not hard to stay in shape, have a good career, have a nice place and nice things and travel a lot. All things a woman looks for...

Honestly in this city its easy to find a younger women to date. I'm in my late thirties and have no problems pulling women in their mid to ate twenties. It's really easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not and MRA guy, but it really is easy if you have a good career, stay in shape and have a nice place in the city. My last GF said she feels guilty dating me since there’s so many women my age in her office who are single and looking.

Hahaha. You are so lying.

+1000. Lying and lonely.

First off, don't know PP, but not sure what the issue with being an MRA is...what? They want equal access to their children in case of divorce? They see the skyrocketing suicide rates and high college dropout rates of young men and are concerned? They see 95% of all workplace deaths are men and men take the really crappy jobs and want some recognition?

Second, he's right. It's not hard to stay in shape, have a good career, have a nice place and nice things and travel a lot. All things a woman looks for...

Honestly in this city its easy to find a younger women to date. I'm in my late thirties and have no problems pulling women in their mid to ate twenties. It's really easy.

+1 Exact same for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To those who don't think there is a correlation between division of labor and sexual desire, many of the low drive women would likely bang another guy, they just don't want their husbands. Ask yourself why that is. Attention? Feeling like more than a house keeper? Shut up and grow a pair and own that you may be the issue, not her.

So true. Women grow resentful after years of cleaning up after their husband and doing the majority of the child care, resentment kills libido. Men pay the price for laziness in the long run.

Truth

Men don't get lazy, they see their overweight nagging wives have done nothing but become complaining harpies and feel duped.

I'm a women and stayed in shape, and I'm nice and try to tell him how good he looks and how much I love him every day. Guess what? When I have something boring that' needs to be done he doesn't complain or even sigh - he just does it.

Be nice to be around and give him some love every once in a while and I'm sure he'll be more willing to pick up the slack.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not and MRA guy, but it really is easy if you have a good career, stay in shape and have a nice place in the city. My last GF said she feels guilty dating me since there’s so many women my age in her office who are single and looking.

Hahaha. You are so lying.

+1000. Lying and lonely.

First off, don't know PP, but not sure what the issue with being an MRA is...what? They want equal access to their children in case of divorce? They see the skyrocketing suicide rates and high college dropout rates of young men and are concerned? They see 95% of all workplace deaths are men and men take the really crappy jobs and want some recognition?

Second, he's right. It's not hard to stay in shape, have a good career, have a nice place and nice things and travel a lot. All things a woman looks for...

Honestly in this city its easy to find a younger women to date. I'm in my late thirties and have no problems pulling women in their mid to ate twenties. It's really easy.

Ah the desperation... unless you are married with kids, you are NOT contributing to this thread

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - So, what's the verdict on maintenance sex?

My preference is to take the time to get her off. But, she'll sometimes offer a quickie. On the one hand, I'm not all that excited about sex she's not excited about. I don't want to reinforce any negativity she might have about sex.

On the other hand, creating a lot of expectation and pressure around her having an orgasm can be counterproductive. And, turning down quickies adds to the pattern of us getting out of the habit of having sex.

Anyway, she suggested one last night. I went with it. I thought it was pleasant, but it wasn't earth shaking for either of us. When I was done, I offered to keep going to get her there, but she said she didn't think it was in the cards.

So, are these more likely to reinforce negative feelings about sex for her or are these potentially building blocks to get our frequency up and hopefully lead to better quality as we get back in the habit of having sex?

If my husband truly acknowledged that he has put too much on me for most of our marriage AND changed his ways for ever.. Not just for a week but permanently, it would go a long way in our sex life. But if you are not willing to make amends and change the dynamic in your marriage, you are not going to see improvement in the bedroom. Be the change.

Sounds like you and your husband have a different dynamic than me and my wife. We've been pretty good to each other overall. I haven't wronged her any more than she's wronged me (and it's been pretty minimal either way).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - So, what's the verdict on maintenance sex?

My preference is to take the time to get her off. But, she'll sometimes offer a quickie. On the one hand, I'm not all that excited about sex she's not excited about. I don't want to reinforce any negativity she might have about sex.

On the other hand, creating a lot of expectation and pressure around her having an orgasm can be counterproductive. And, turning down quickies adds to the pattern of us getting out of the habit of having sex.

Anyway, she suggested one last night. I went with it. I thought it was pleasant, but it wasn't earth shaking for either of us. When I was done, I offered to keep going to get her there, but she said she didn't think it was in the cards.

So, are these more likely to reinforce negative feelings about sex for her or are these potentially building blocks to get our frequency up and hopefully lead to better quality as we get back in the habit of having sex?

hmm. My opinion of maintenance sex is that it's just sex when one person is not necessarily in the mood but the other person is. But I think both people should be having orgasms. It doesn't mean that it has to be a quickie.

Look this is probably TMI but a lot of times, oral is the only thing that gets me off and I think that is true of a lot of women. I have no idea about how he really feels about it but my husband acts as if he really enjoys giving me oral and thinks it's sexy. That helps me relax enough to be able to have an O. If your wife can't relax and let go, it's not going to happen. Are you giving her the impression that oral is a chore for you or that it's somewhat distasteful/something you'd rather not do? Be really honest with yourself (you don't have to tell us obviously). You're not going to fix your sex problems if anything like that ^ is going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is admirable that OP is ignoring the off topic general blather from both sides and truly trying to find solutions.

Maintenance sex and scheduled sex worked well for us until the kids got a bit older (early elementary) and things got a bit less chaotic.

Also kudos to OP's wife since he mentioned she offered a quickie last night. It sounds like you are both willing to work at this, which is a great step. I am taking you at your word that you are a good husband with regards to all the complaints that always come up when sex is lacking, but it wouldn't hurt if you did a rigorous self-assessment for any areas you could improve.

[Anonymous]

NP. You need to get your wife off every time or yes it's going to reinforce negative perceptions of sex ~ that it's just another chore she has to do for YOU.

You need to flip the situation for a while so that it's about her and that will probably lead to more sex in the future.

I'm a woman who often doesn't want to have sex but I do anyway because a.) I know my husband wants it and b.) I know I'll be getting an orgasm too. If that wasn't something I could count on? No thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. You need to get your wife off every time or yes it's going to reinforce negative perceptions of sex ~ that it's just another chore she has to do for YOU.

You need to flip the situation for a while so that it's about her and that will probably lead to more sex in the future.

I'm a woman who often doesn't want to have sex but I do anyway because a.) I know my husband wants it and b.) I know I'll be getting an orgasm too. If that wasn't something I could count on? No thanks.

So he never does (non-sexual) stuff "just for you" without him directly getting something out of it? Wow, you both sound like selfish partners!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - So, what's the verdict on maintenance sex?

My preference is to take the time to get her off. But, she'll sometimes offer a quickie. On the one hand, I'm not all that excited about sex she's not excited about. I don't want to reinforce any negativity she might have about sex.

On the other hand, creating a lot of expectation and pressure around her having an orgasm can be counterproductive. And, turning down quickies adds to the pattern of us getting out of the habit of having sex.

Anyway, she suggested one last night. I went with it. I thought it was pleasant, but it wasn't earth shaking for either of us. When I was done, I offered to keep going to get her there, but she said she didn't think it was in the cards.

So, are these more likely to reinforce negative feelings about sex for her or are these potentially building blocks to get our frequency up and hopefully lead to better quality as we get back in the habit of having sex?

hmm. My opinion of maintenance sex is that it's just sex when one person is not necessarily in the mood but the other person is. But I think both people should be having orgasms. It doesn't mean that it has to be a quickie.

Look this is probably TMI but a lot of times, oral is the only thing that gets me off and I think that is true of a lot of women. I have no idea about how he really feels about it but my husband acts as if he really enjoys giving me oral and thinks it's sexy. That helps me relax enough to be able to have an O. If your wife can't relax and let go, it's not going to happen. Are you giving her the impression that oral is a chore for you or that it's somewhat distasteful/something you'd rather not do? Be really honest with yourself (you don't have to tell us obviously). You're not going to fix your sex problems if anything like that ^ is going on.

My DW doesn't like oral, she thinks it's yucky- her words. Don't give me grief saying I'm not good at it Because you can't get good at something unless you get to practice! But I'm very thankful that she loves to give oral!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - So, what's the verdict on maintenance sex?

My preference is to take the time to get her off. But, she'll sometimes offer a quickie. On the one hand, I'm not all that excited about sex she's not excited about. I don't want to reinforce any negativity she might have about sex.

On the other hand, creating a lot of expectation and pressure around her having an orgasm can be counterproductive. And, turning down quickies adds to the pattern of us getting out of the habit of having sex.

Anyway, she suggested one last night. I went with it. I thought it was pleasant, but it wasn't earth shaking for either of us. When I was done, I offered to keep going to get her there, but she said she didn't think it was in the cards.

So, are these more likely to reinforce negative feelings about sex for her or are these potentially building blocks to get our frequency up and hopefully lead to better quality as we get back in the habit of having sex?

hmm. My opinion of maintenance sex is that it's just sex when one person is not necessarily in the mood but the other person is. But I think both people should be having orgasms. It doesn't mean that it has to be a quickie.

Look this is probably TMI but a lot of times, oral is the only thing that gets me off and I think that is true of a lot of women. I have no idea about how he really feels about it but my husband acts as if he really enjoys giving me oral and thinks it's sexy. That helps me relax enough to be able to have an O. If your wife can't relax and let go, it's not going to happen. Are you giving her the impression that oral is a chore for you or that it's somewhat distasteful/something you'd rather not do? Be really honest with yourself (you don't have to tell us obviously). You're not going to fix your sex problems if anything like that ^ is going on.

Hah -- I'm absolutely not giving the impression I dislike oral. I very much enjoy giving it and have never been shy about saying so. Getting her off is one of my favorite things about sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To those who don't think there is a correlation between division of labor and sexual desire, many of the low drive women would likely bang another guy, they just don't want their husbands. Ask yourself why that is. Attention? Feeling like more than a house keeper? Shut up and grow a pair and own that you may be the issue, not her.

So true. Women grow resentful after years of cleaning up after their husband and doing the majority of the child care, resentment kills libido. Men pay the price for laziness in the long run.

Truth

Men don't get lazy, they see their overweight nagging wives have done nothing but become complaining harpies and feel duped.

I'm a women and stayed in shape, and I'm nice and try to tell him how good he looks and how much I love him every day. Guess what? When I have something boring that' needs to be done he doesn't complain or even sigh - he just does it.

Be nice to be around and give him some love every once in a while and I'm sure he'll be more willing to pick up the slack.

This was written by a lonely divorced dude. No woman would say that!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - So, what's the verdict on maintenance sex?

My preference is to take the time to get her off. But, she'll sometimes offer a quickie. On the one hand, I'm not all that excited about sex she's not excited about. I don't want to reinforce any negativity she might have about sex.

On the other hand, creating a lot of expectation and pressure around her having an orgasm can be counterproductive. And, turning down quickies adds to the pattern of us getting out of the habit of having sex.

Anyway, she suggested one last night. I went with it. I thought it was pleasant, but it wasn't earth shaking for either of us. When I was done, I offered to keep going to get her there, but she said she didn't think it was in the cards.

So, are these more likely to reinforce negative feelings about sex for her or are these potentially building blocks to get our frequency up and hopefully lead to better quality as we get back in the habit of having sex?

hmm. My opinion of maintenance sex is that it's just sex when one person is not necessarily in the mood but the other person is. But I think both people should be having orgasms. It doesn't mean that it has to be a quickie.

Look this is probably TMI but a lot of times, oral is the only thing that gets me off and I think that is true of a lot of women. I have no idea about how he really feels about it but my husband acts as if he really enjoys giving me oral and thinks it's sexy. That helps me relax enough to be able to have an O. If your wife can't relax and let go, it's not going to happen. Are you giving her the impression that oral is a chore for you or that it's somewhat distasteful/something you'd rather not do? Be really honest with yourself (you don't have to tell us obviously). You're not going to fix your sex problems if anything like that ^ is going on.

I hate the word 'maintenance'. I have a long list of maintenance items that I have to take care of (many that DH could take but doesn't), I don't need any more maintenance items my list!