Mil wants to be called Mama X

[Anonymous]

The issue is not the word Mama, people. If this was the sweetest lady on earth who did nothing but encourage her DIL and respect her DIL's roles, there would be no thread.

The problem is a MIL who has boundary issues. And who is passive aggressive.

OP, kindly tell her, "No, I'm Mama. Choose another name". If she doesn't back off, sit her down and tell her how you two need to have some ground rules, and list the things that have bothered you. At least she will know you are aware of all this. And ultimately, if she hears all these grievances, maybe she will adjust. If not, then you know you have a passive aggressive mean MIL and you can stop worrying about what she thinks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP:

Just to chime in, you will find life is long. I've finished raising my brood, and if I had to go back in time, I would be less reactive to things like this. As long as you don't feel your MIL is deliberately trying to undermine you, let her be called Mama X (I didn't read the whole thread, but was her grandma called Mama X too? That makes a difference).

The other thing is -- it is hard to think of this right now -- this baby really is not just yours. It is a person who will have his/her own relationships. And you will be thankful for all the people who love your child and are part of his/her loving community. So let your MIL love your child and be called what she wants to be called.

Just my two cents,

Older and wiser

Good advice.

Bad advice. Being a doormat is not good for anyone's relationship with anyone else. Pettiness is bad, but not wanting someone else to be "Mama" to your child is hardly petty.

There is a difference between being a doormat and being kind to the person who birthed your spouse and is a blood relation to your children. All the crazy DCUMers forget that in a few years they will be in the same position.

Once again: it's not kind to allow a person to do something that feels instinctively wrong and hurtful to you. OP is saying that having another woman called "mama" by her child feels wrong and bad. Although there are some cultural nuances, that's a feeling that a lot of other women share. There is NOTHING kind about letting another person do something that is hurtful to you, regardless of whether they intended it to be hurtful. Boundaries are healthy, not unkind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mil wants to be called Mama (insert first name). This pisses me off, and I'm afraid I'm being irrational. DH isn't bothered by it and says to let it go. My moms nickname is her similar to GG. First initial twice. My nephews started calling her that and it stuck and they call my brothers mil the first initial of her name. I thought we could do the same with my mil or wait and see what develops naturally. I get if she wants to pick her own name but I don't want her to be mama anything to my kids. Or my dog- she uses it for her too. Am I being difficult here? So many other names to choose from!

Your MIL is insane. Do not stand for this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP:

Just to chime in, you will find life is long. I've finished raising my brood, and if I had to go back in time, I would be less reactive to things like this. As long as you don't feel your MIL is deliberately trying to undermine you, let her be called Mama X (I didn't read the whole thread, but was her grandma called Mama X too? That makes a difference).

The other thing is -- it is hard to think of this right now -- this baby really is not just yours. It is a person who will have his/her own relationships. And you will be thankful for all the people who love your child and are part of his/her loving community. So let your MIL love your child and be called what she wants to be called.

Just my two cents,

Older and wiser

Good advice.

Bad advice. Being a doormat is not good for anyone's relationship with anyone else. Pettiness is bad, but not wanting someone else to be "Mama" to your child is hardly petty.

There is a difference between being a doormat and being kind to the person who birthed your spouse and is a blood relation to your children. All the crazy DCUMers forget that in a few years they will be in the same position.

Once again: it's not kind to allow a person to do something that feels instinctively wrong and hurtful to you. OP is saying that having another woman called "mama" by her child feels wrong and bad. Although there are some cultural nuances, that's a feeling that a lot of other women share. There is NOTHING kind about letting another person do something that is hurtful to you, regardless of whether they intended it to be hurtful. Boundaries are healthy, not unkind.

+5 million.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP:

Just to chime in, you will find life is long. I've finished raising my brood, and if I had to go back in time, I would be less reactive to things like this. As long as you don't feel your MIL is deliberately trying to undermine you, let her be called Mama X (I didn't read the whole thread, but was her grandma called Mama X too? That makes a difference).

The other thing is -- it is hard to think of this right now -- this baby really is not just yours. It is a person who will have his/her own relationships. And you will be thankful for all the people who love your child and are part of his/her loving community. So let your MIL love your child and be called what she wants to be called.

Just my two cents,

Older and wiser

Good advice.

Bad advice. Being a doormat is not good for anyone's relationship with anyone else. Pettiness is bad, but not wanting someone else to be "Mama" to your child is hardly petty.

There is a difference between being a doormat and being kind to the person who birthed your spouse and is a blood relation to your children. All the crazy DCUMers forget that in a few years they will be in the same position.

Once again: it's not kind to allow a person to do something that feels instinctively wrong and hurtful to you. OP is saying that having another woman called "mama" by her child feels wrong and bad. Although there are some cultural nuances, that's a feeling that a lot of other women share. There is NOTHING kind about letting another person do something that is hurtful to you, regardless of whether they intended it to be hurtful. Boundaries are healthy, not unkind.

NP. Exactly this--speaking up for yourself and setting reasonable boundaries is healthy and actually kind, because it gives the other person a chance to know where you are coming from, and to find new approaches and solutions with you, rather than just becoming an object of resentment.

Plus, to all the bolded above, give me a break. Anyone who calls family "my brood" and styles herself as "older and wiser" is ridiculous and wins zero points in any discussion with me. Blech.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are being difficult OP. Your kids won’t be co fused as to who is their mother, and calling her Mama X gives her no more or less status than Grandma, Granny, GG or whatever.

Some therapy to figure out why this bugs you might be a good idea.

No.

OP is correct.

Mama is one of the very first sounds a baby makes, and it is one of the sounds they make when they want comfort. It is the word for Mom. OP gets that name. Not MIL.

MIL is not mom and does not get that specific term of endearment.

So all the damn people in the world who call their grandmother "Big Momma" is bound for therapy and dissed their mother. Some of you all are crazy AFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are being difficult OP. Your kids won’t be co fused as to who is their mother, and calling her Mama X gives her no more or less status than Grandma, Granny, GG or whatever.

Some therapy to figure out why this bugs you might be a good idea.

No.

OP is correct.

Mama is one of the very first sounds a baby makes, and it is one of the sounds they make when they want comfort. It is the word for Mom. OP gets that name. Not MIL.

MIL is not mom and does not get that specific term of endearment.

So all the damn people in the world who call their grandmother "Big Momma" is bound for therapy and dissed their mother. Some of you all are crazy AFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!

+1 These DCUM mothers are cray. They want so badly to control every aspect of their children because they've clearly lost control of all other parts of their life. Sad.

[Anonymous]

I think the MIL said she wanted to be called Mama X so that when the first thing the baby says is “Mama” she will tell everyone DIL included, that the baby is talking about her, not the baby referring to it’s mother. I think it’s totally reasonable for the Mother to be mama until the baby settles on calling her mommy, mom, etc. Don’t let MIL take that away from her (and the child.) go by initials, Mima, Grandma, etc. for now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP:

Just to chime in, you will find life is long. I've finished raising my brood, and if I had to go back in time, I would be less reactive to things like this. As long as you don't feel your MIL is deliberately trying to undermine you, let her be called Mama X (I didn't read the whole thread, but was her grandma called Mama X too? That makes a difference).

The other thing is -- it is hard to think of this right now -- this baby really is not just yours. It is a person who will have his/her own relationships. And you will be thankful for all the people who love your child and are part of his/her loving community. So let your MIL love your child and be called what she wants to be called.

Just my two cents,

Older and wiser

Good advice.

Bad advice. Being a doormat is not good for anyone's relationship with anyone else. Pettiness is bad, but not wanting someone else to be "Mama" to your child is hardly petty.

There is a difference between being a doormat and being kind to the person who birthed your spouse and is a blood relation to your children. All the crazy DCUMers forget that in a few years they will be in the same position.

Once again: it's not kind to allow a person to do something that feels instinctively wrong and hurtful to you. OP is saying that having another woman called "mama" by her child feels wrong and bad. Although there are some cultural nuances, that's a feeling that a lot of other women share. There is NOTHING kind about letting another person do something that is hurtful to you, regardless of whether they intended it to be hurtful. Boundaries are healthy, not unkind.

+5 million.

And there is nothing wrong with letting someone know that the non-issue they are fussing about is a bunch of nonsensical bull. If this is an issue, goodness knows how she will deal with the real stuff. By the way, I know plenty of grandma's who go by "Momma Whatever".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the MIL said she wanted to be called Mama X so that when the first thing the baby says is “Mama” she will tell everyone DIL included, that the baby is talking about her, not the baby referring to it’s mother. I think it’s totally reasonable for the Mother to be mama until the baby settles on calling her mommy, mom, etc. Don’t let MIL take that away from her (and the child.) go by initials, Mima, Grandma, etc. for now.

You are joking right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP:

Just to chime in, you will find life is long. I've finished raising my brood, and if I had to go back in time, I would be less reactive to things like this. As long as you don't feel your MIL is deliberately trying to undermine you, let her be called Mama X (I didn't read the whole thread, but was her grandma called Mama X too? That makes a difference).

The other thing is -- it is hard to think of this right now -- this baby really is not just yours. It is a person who will have his/her own relationships. And you will be thankful for all the people who love your child and are part of his/her loving community. So let your MIL love your child and be called what she wants to be called.

Just my two cents,

Older and wiser

Good advice.

Bad advice. Being a doormat is not good for anyone's relationship with anyone else. Pettiness is bad, but not wanting someone else to be "Mama" to your child is hardly petty.

There is a difference between being a doormat and being kind to the person who birthed your spouse and is a blood relation to your children. All the crazy DCUMers forget that in a few years they will be in the same position.

Once again: it's not kind to allow a person to do something that feels instinctively wrong and hurtful to you. OP is saying that having another woman called "mama" by her child feels wrong and bad. Although there are some cultural nuances, that's a feeling that a lot of other women share. There is NOTHING kind about letting another person do something that is hurtful to you, regardless of whether they intended it to be hurtful. Boundaries are healthy, not unkind.

+5 million.

And there is nothing wrong with letting someone know that the non-issue they are fussing about is a bunch of nonsensical bull. If this is an issue, goodness knows how she will deal with the real stuff. By the way, I know plenty of grandma's who go by "Momma Whatever".

But it's not a "non-issue." It's a really important issue to OP -- and reasonably so. Just because "Big Momma" is common in your culture does not mean that it's not highly offensive in another culture to suggest that you be called "mama" to someone else's baby. Also as OP has detailed, this is just one example of her MIL's behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP:

Just to chime in, you will find life is long. I've finished raising my brood, and if I had to go back in time, I would be less reactive to things like this. As long as you don't feel your MIL is deliberately trying to undermine you, let her be called Mama X (I didn't read the whole thread, but was her grandma called Mama X too? That makes a difference).

The other thing is -- it is hard to think of this right now -- this baby really is not just yours. It is a person who will have his/her own relationships. And you will be thankful for all the people who love your child and are part of his/her loving community. So let your MIL love your child and be called what she wants to be called.

Just my two cents,

Older and wiser

Good advice.

Bad advice. Being a doormat is not good for anyone's relationship with anyone else. Pettiness is bad, but not wanting someone else to be "Mama" to your child is hardly petty.

There is a difference between being a doormat and being kind to the person who birthed your spouse and is a blood relation to your children. All the crazy DCUMers forget that in a few years they will be in the same position.

Once again: it's not kind to allow a person to do something that feels instinctively wrong and hurtful to you. OP is saying that having another woman called "mama" by her child feels wrong and bad. Although there are some cultural nuances, that's a feeling that a lot of other women share. There is NOTHING kind about letting another person do something that is hurtful to you, regardless of whether they intended it to be hurtful. Boundaries are healthy, not unkind.

+5 million.

And there is nothing wrong with letting someone know that the non-issue they are fussing about is a bunch of nonsensical bull. If this is an issue, goodness knows how she will deal with the real stuff. By the way, I know plenty of grandma's who go by "Momma Whatever".

But it's not a "non-issue." It's a really important issue to OP -- and reasonably so. Just because "Big Momma" is common in your culture does not mean that it's not highly offensive in another culture to suggest that you be called "mama" to someone else's baby. Also as OP has detailed, this is just one example of her MIL's behavior.

What culture are you assuming I belong to? I know people of various "cultures", races and ethnicities who use variations of Mama in the grandma name. Good gravy some people just want to be offended. Hell, I have people in my life who constantly push boundaries, but I have enough sense between the real boundary issues and the petty bullshit. I know how to pick my battles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP:

Just to chime in, you will find life is long. I've finished raising my brood, and if I had to go back in time, I would be less reactive to things like this. As long as you don't feel your MIL is deliberately trying to undermine you, let her be called Mama X (I didn't read the whole thread, but was her grandma called Mama X too? That makes a difference).

The other thing is -- it is hard to think of this right now -- this baby really is not just yours. It is a person who will have his/her own relationships. And you will be thankful for all the people who love your child and are part of his/her loving community. So let your MIL love your child and be called what she wants to be called.

Just my two cents,

Older and wiser

Good advice.

Bad advice. Being a doormat is not good for anyone's relationship with anyone else. Pettiness is bad, but not wanting someone else to be "Mama" to your child is hardly petty.

There is a difference between being a doormat and being kind to the person who birthed your spouse and is a blood relation to your children. All the crazy DCUMers forget that in a few years they will be in the same position.

Once again: it's not kind to allow a person to do something that feels instinctively wrong and hurtful to you. OP is saying that having another woman called "mama" by her child feels wrong and bad. Although there are some cultural nuances, that's a feeling that a lot of other women share. There is NOTHING kind about letting another person do something that is hurtful to you, regardless of whether they intended it to be hurtful. Boundaries are healthy, not unkind.

+5 million.

And there is nothing wrong with letting someone know that the non-issue they are fussing about is a bunch of nonsensical bull. If this is an issue, goodness knows how she will deal with the real stuff. By the way, I know plenty of grandma's who go by "Momma Whatever".

But it's not a "non-issue." It's a really important issue to OP -- and reasonably so. Just because "Big Momma" is common in your culture does not mean that it's not highly offensive in another culture to suggest that you be called "mama" to someone else's baby. Also as OP has detailed, this is just one example of her MIL's behavior.

What culture are you assuming I belong to? I know people of various "cultures", races and ethnicities who use variations of Mama in the grandma name. Good gravy some people just want to be offended. Hell, I have people in my life who constantly push boundaries, but I have enough sense between the real boundary issues and the petty bullshit. I know how to pick my battles.

"good gravy" you are sure insistent about determining what other people's boundaries should be ... hmmm ...

[Anonymous]

Why not just call her Big Mama instead

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why not just call her Big Mama instead

Or Old Mama. Or Big Old Mama.