S/O being excluded from birthday parties

[Anonymous]

That's what she did. She attended the other girl's party, so she should have invited the other girl to hers. Or not attended the other girl's party. Whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why people are so up in arms that someone allowed their child to invite just 5 people to her birthday party. Just because this other girl had a party that same weekend doesn't mean the OP had to change their plans. She had a 5 person party. What's the big deal? Are people not allowed to have small parties anymore? And if you opt for a small party, but someone else didn't, that means you can't go to that party? That doesn't make sense to me.

Please read the thread. This is NOT about small parties (I think small parties are great, personally). This is about defending your 7 year old DD's decision to exclude a girl from her birthday party, even as the DD attended other girl's birthday party that very same weekend.

I did read the thread. And it does seem like people are more concerned that the invitation wasn't reciprocated. That because she got to go to the other girl's party, that other girl should have been able to go to hers. I don't think that's necessarily true. People decide what size parties they want to have. She had her 5 person party. The other girl had a larger party. What in god's name is the problem? This is like saying, "You invited me to your wedding. I chose to attend that wedding. Now, even though I'm having a family-only wedding, I have to invite you to my wedding because I went to yours." No sense.

I think you're missing the point that the girl specifically wanted to exclude the other girl - and had no qualms about telling her that - while at the same time going to the other girl's party. I think it would have been a whole other issue if it really was limited to just 5 girls and the mother said, sorry, you only get 5 and the other girl didn't make the cut - which is similar to your wedding example. However, the mom (OP) specifically said that after they got the other girl's invite, she told her daughter they'd make room for the other girl. the dd said no because of XYZ. Then turns around and goes to her party. Does that now make sense?

Hold on there, buster. You just said dd "had no qualms about telling her that."

In fact, dd didn't say anything about it until she was *put on the spot* by the other child who demanded to know why she hadn't been invited. By all of YOUR reasoning, she's a rude little witch because she put dd on the spot.

And for that matter, the third party girl who marched up to the excuded girl and told her ALL about the second party is a bitch too. By your reasoning, that is.

My dd didn't say a THING until confronted. She should have said, "I'm so sorry, my guest list was small and set before I received your invitation" but she is 7 years old so she said what she really thought.

Think what you want, but please stop asigning malice here. You're awful. Beyond awful.

No, your daughter is awful. It appears she takes after you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Those aren't standards. It's called being immature - which she should be at 7yo. It's up to parents to teach kids what's right and wrong so as they mature they can tell the difference. OP taught her daughter that it's ok to arbitrarily leave a classmate out for a silly reason. Not good parenting.

Arbitrary? Really? She didn't not include her because she dresses funny or has bad breath. She doesn't like the girl because she has bad taste and makes immature jokes. I for one would not one a child like at my son's birthday. Why teach your child tit for tat on invites? This reminds me of all the BS about bridesmaids. She asked me to be in her wedding, so I have to ask her to be in mine. NO! That doesn't have to happen! Break the cycle people and grow a backbone!

If she didn't like the little girl so much, why did she attend her birthday party after not inviting her to her own? Why didn't her mother explain that it's not right to go to the excluded girl's party because her daughter doesn't like her?

Exactly. If she didn't like the girl, why did she go to her party? Doesn't make sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I apologize for aiming my comment at you. I thought you were the mom in question.

One last comment for 18:30 - "tit for tat" for invites is otherwise known as etiquette. If someone invites you somewhere, good etiquette says you reciprocate. Weddings are another story all together. We're talking about birthday invitations.

No, it's not etiquette. Just because you invited me doesn't mean I have to invite you. If I ATTENDED your party, then yes, I should invite you to mine. Seriously people, don't you have other things to do besides attending all these damn parties?!

And furthermore, if you teach children this is the proper way to do things it only sets up the BS wedding drama. It's not correct. It's not etiquette. Ask Emily Post. [/quote]

I think Emily Post would say that this family was rude in attending a party for a child her daughter dislikes so much. She should have declined that invitation. If Little Miss Poopy is not good enough to hang out with on Saturday, she isn't good enough to hang out with on Sunday either. Anything else is just plain fickle and smacks of being fair weather friend.

[Anonymous]

It was interesting reading the dad's description of his DD as so high-minded that she has a kid with Asperger's as one of her friends. Frankly, I find this very hard to believe considering she would exclude someone who just invited her because she has a distate for excessive poop jokes (AS kids are infamous for their single-minded obsession with topics that annoy other people).
One of my kids has AS and has more often than not been excluded from parties by kids whom she thought were her friends and had attended hers. It hasn't been uncommon for her to be the only kid who wasn't invited in her class. It's very sad to watch your child's face when she inevitably finds out on the playground that she was left out (kids always, always spill the beans).
Given that this family doesn't have the common courtesy to reciprocate an invitation to a kid whose party their DD just attended, I'd be willing to bet that if AS kid in the class had been a girl, she would have been excluded too. But it still makes you sound cool to say you have an AS kid as a friend. Does she have Black or Muslim friends too? Anyone in a wheelchair? If so, truly, wow...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Those aren't standards. It's called being immature - which she should be at 7yo. It's up to parents to teach kids what's right and wrong so as they mature they can tell the difference. OP taught her daughter that it's ok to arbitrarily leave a classmate out for a silly reason. Not good parenting.

This sums up everything.

[Anonymous]

It seems pretty clear notwithstanding the crocodile tears ("who me? heavens no, I tried to talk her out of it, but she made such a goooood point...") that Poster #3 was glad (proud?) for his prissy daughter to punish the poop talker. Would I earn equal venom if I were to point out that he strikes me more like #2 than #3?

[Anonymous]

Didn't realize "Mean Girls" started so young... If it wasn't the poop/fart talk, she would have found something else wanting in her classmate as an excuse to exclude her. Sad. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. You should be proud, OP, Sounds like your daughter will be just like you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with:
-You are in the right to invite a small group of children to your daughter' party and allow her to pick which ones. (you mentioned that fewer rather than more of the class got invited).
-It was right of you to encourage your daughter to invite the other girl (girl B) when she received Girls B's invite. Your daughter didn't want Girl B there, so fine.

I disagree with:
-You should have told your daughter not to tell the Girl B why she wasn't invited, a simple "we could only have so many people" would have been sufficient. (I would have a different view if the other girl was physically or verbally aggressive, not just told jokes in bad taste)
-You should not have allowed your daughter to attend Girl B's party. If Girl B wasn't good enough for your daughter to invite to her party than your daughter should not have taken advantage of Girl B's hospitality.

Feel the same as this poster.

FWIW, I know one girl this age who is always talking poop/fart/vomit with sound effects. She interrupts not just peers but adults with it over and over and it is so unpleasant. So maybe it's more than the typical toilet humor common at this age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Inviting whole class= fine

inviting just boys or just girls= fine

inviting a few kids, but less than half, without explaining it to the ones not invited= fine

inviting the whole class except one or two kids= rude and mean

ITA

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:When you don't invite everybody from one group to a party do you explain to the "not invited" ones why they're left out?

I was reading the other thread and lots of people are saying it was rude to exclude the girl and not say why so I'm wondering here if it's normal or expected to address the crowd left out.

Thanks for any insight.

well, my dd recently made a guest list for her birthday party that excluded a girl who subsequently invited dd to her own birthday party the same weekend. we urged dd to reconsider, but she was adamant saying the other girl had a potty mouth and talked about poop and farts and she didn't want that kind of talk at her party. Keep in mind these kids are 7.

So, awkward, yes, especially since several girls attended both parties. Sure enough, come Monday, the other girl discovers her invitation wasn't reciprocated and marches up to dd to demand why. DD repeated, frankly, what she told us: That the girl had a potty mouth and thus wasn't welcome at her party.

Kids are so refreshingly honest, aren't they? On the one hand we were horrified. I'm sure the girl's parents despise us now. On the other hand, it was probably useful for the kid to hear that there are consequences for having a potty mouth.

Did your DD attend her party?

She did. Would you have had her compound the situation by declining the invitation?

She elected a party theme that was expensive. $50 per kid. As a result, we limited her to five kids. So, it wasn't a case of excluding a single girl from a classroom. Given the subsequent invitation we told her we'd allow her to invite one more child (the other birthday girl) but she had her own reasons for not wanting to do that. Good ones, too, if you ask me.

It was just an unfortunate sequence of events. We allowed her to make her own decisions in this case. She ignored our council. Now she's having to navigate the social consequences. And the other girl is learning that others don't take kindly to talk about poop and farts, I guess.

My daughter doesn't have a potty mouth. But you know, I'd rather she did, than that she acted like a mean little bitch.

Agh! I really think that you could have taken this opportunity to teach your daughter that mean behavior is unacceptable. My DD and several of her girlfriends will try to exclude one or two other kids that attend free play at her gym sometimes and I have made it absolutely clear to my DD that if she engages in exclusionary behavior we are all leaving. The same applies to birthday parties--I want to teach my DD to be a compassionate individual and if that means inviting a few extra girls who she might not be super close with but who would appreciate the invitation then that is what we will do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you don't invite everybody from one group to a party do you explain to the "not invited" ones why they're left out?

I was reading the other thread and lots of people are saying it was rude to exclude the girl and not say why so I'm wondering here if it's normal or expected to address the crowd left out.

Thanks for any insight.

well, my dd recently made a guest list for her birthday party that excluded a girl who subsequently invited dd to her own birthday party the same weekend. we urged dd to reconsider, but she was adamant saying the other girl had a potty mouth and talked about poop and farts and she didn't want that kind of talk at her party. Keep in mind these kids are 7.

So, awkward, yes, especially since several girls attended both parties. Sure enough, come Monday, the other girl discovers her invitation wasn't reciprocated and marches up to dd to demand why. DD repeated, frankly, what she told us: That the girl had a potty mouth and thus wasn't welcome at her party.

Kids are so refreshingly honest, aren't they? On the one hand we were horrified. I'm sure the girl's parents despise us now. On the other hand, it was probably useful for the kid to hear that there are consequences for having a potty mouth.

Did your DD attend her party?

She did. Would you have had her compound the situation by declining the invitation?

She elected a party theme that was expensive. $50 per kid. As a result, we limited her to five kids. So, it wasn't a case of excluding a single girl from a classroom. Given the subsequent invitation we told her we'd allow her to invite one more child (the other birthday girl) but she had her own reasons for not wanting to do that. Good ones, too, if you ask me.

It was just an unfortunate sequence of events. We allowed her to make her own decisions in this case. She ignored our council. Now she's having to navigate the social consequences. And the other girl is learning that others don't take kindly to talk about poop and farts, I guess.

My daughter doesn't have a potty mouth. But you know, I'd rather she did, than that she acted like a mean little bitch.

Agh! I really think that you could have taken this opportunity to teach your daughter that mean behavior is unacceptable. My DD and several of her girlfriends will try to exclude one or two other kids that attend free play at her gym sometimes and I have made it absolutely clear to my DD that if she engages in exclusionary behavior we are all leaving. The same applies to birthday parties--I want to teach my DD to be a compassionate individual and if that means inviting a few extra girls who she might not be super close with but who would appreciate the invitation then that is what we will do.

You are a nice mom. I wish there were more like you out there. It would make life so much easier for kids like mine who get excluded a lot.

[Anonymous]

To the # 3 Dad:

Like the others, I disagree with how YOU (as a parent) handled the situation. I am a dad also and, honestly, I lack the social graces to adequately advise my daughters as to the proper invite protocol. Luckily, my DW is capable and willing to step in. It has saved us from a lot of situations like yours.

Your DD and you think that it is inappropriate to talk about poops and farts. Fine. No problem with that. Having “values” is fine, but allowing your kid to selectively enforce these values to her benefit and convenience is what I have the problem with. I could see both my DW and me saying “Amanda, you cannot have it both ways. If you are so put off by the poop and fart talk, it is probably not a good idea for you to go to her party either. We will just go to the movies or something.” And it is not about “invites” at that point. If you have “values” and you feel strongly about it, then govern yourself accordingly.

But you know what? The past is the past. Nothing you can do about THAT situation now. But let me speak to the future. My kids are all teens now.
If you continue to condone this sort of thing, please have plenty of Kleenex and hugs ready for when your daughter gets older. Because in about 2-3 years, a couple of things will happen. One, the “all-class” parties get fewer and fewer. So, most of the kids will exercise this “right” that you daughter exercised at 7 YO. Two, the other kids and their parents will see right through these “values”, and she will likely be the one excluded. Kids have a very good filter for BS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with:
-You are in the right to invite a small group of children to your daughter' party and allow her to pick which ones. (you mentioned that fewer rather than more of the class got invited).
-It was right of you to encourage your daughter to invite the other girl (girl B) when she received Girls B's invite. Your daughter didn't want Girl B there, so fine.

I disagree with:
-You should have told your daughter not to tell the Girl B why she wasn't invited, a simple "we could only have so many people" would have been sufficient. (I would have a different view if the other girl was physically or verbally aggressive, not just told jokes in bad taste)
-You should not have allowed your daughter to attend Girl B's party. If Girl B wasn't good enough for your daughter to invite to her party than your daughter should not have taken advantage of Girl B's hospitality.

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why people are so up in arms that someone allowed their child to invite just 5 people to her birthday party. Just because this other girl had a party that same weekend doesn't mean the OP had to change their plans. She had a 5 person party. What's the big deal? Are people not allowed to have small parties anymore? And if you opt for a small party, but someone else didn't, that means you can't go to that party? That doesn't make sense to me.

I am generally siding with OP here. I agree with both of the posters I quoted above. IMO to not invite the other girl and then to not go to her party would seem like a double snub. She was already "snubbed" once (not really because only 5 kids were invited) by not being invited to OP's daughters party, but then to be snubbed a second time by the daughter not going to her party would seem like a second kick to the shins. I don't blame OP's daughter for not inviting her. If she had invited her after receiving the other girl's invite, then the girl would surely have known it was a pity invite and then OTHER girls in the class would have felt bad because they invited her to THEIR party and didn't get invited etc. So it really would have opened up a whole new can of worms to issue a pity invite or "reciprocal" invite as all you raving lunatic pp's call it. She invited 5 and that's that. Maybe the daughter had bad manners in telling the girl her jokes are uncouth and she doesn't like to be around them, but someone was going to tell her sometime, so why not OP's daughter. Why not now? I think she did that girl a favor and if there's fall out from it then they both learned an important lesson. OP's daughter will learn to be nicer and fart joke girl will learn to talk about other things. No harm done. I am a firm believer in guiding kids but not stifling them and allowing them to learn some natural consequences to their behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with:
-You are in the right to invite a small group of children to your daughter' party and allow her to pick which ones. (you mentioned that fewer rather than more of the class got invited).
-It was right of you to encourage your daughter to invite the other girl (girl B) when she received Girls B's invite. Your daughter didn't want Girl B there, so fine.

I disagree with:
-You should have told your daughter not to tell the Girl B why she wasn't invited, a simple "we could only have so many people" would have been sufficient. (I would have a different view if the other girl was physically or verbally aggressive, not just told jokes in bad taste)
-You should not have allowed your daughter to attend Girl B's party. If Girl B wasn't good enough for your daughter to invite to her party than your daughter should not have taken advantage of Girl B's hospitality.

I agree with this....the mistake is really allowing your daughter to attend poop/fart joke girl's party.