Anonymous wrote:IF someone asked me for an open marriage, this is how I would respond: I would say that I would be willing to talk more about the possibility in therapy. I would say that it is not just a “yes” or “no” question because there are lots of aspects to think about - who would the partner be, how often, where, do we still have sex together, would we have to disclose about the other partners, etc.
I would use therapy to draw my partner out - what’s going on that he feels a need for this and how does he imagine it would work. Because men are men, I assume most of the conversation would be focused on him and his needs, but after getting that out, I would make sure he understood that opening the marriage meant that I would no longer have a vow of monogamy either and I would describe what kind of sexual permission I would have. Certainly, open for thee means open for me.
In planning for how much time and money per week could be spent on affair partners, certainly we would have to re-negotiate the division of parenting, household and relationship labor and time & $$ spent on self-care. I mean, if we’re each allowed 8-10 hours a week to spend on affair partners, those 16-20 hours have to be cut from other obligations and outsourced or taken up by the other partner.
After discussing how it could work, I would discuss the addressing the dangers - how often we would STD test and share results, what happens if there is an unintended pregnancy for either of us, how much of the marital funds would be set aside to spend on the sex partners, what to tell the kids or do if they found out, etc.
All this would mean that we would have to write and sign a post-nup agreement formalizing the terms of the open marriage because, while society has clear terms for a monogamous marriage, there aren’t clear terms for an open marriage - that needs a clear enforceable contract. OFC, that would have to include agreed upon terms of divorce should either of us decide that open marriage is no longer working. And, you can be damn sure that in parallel to doing “therapy” to discuss terms of open marriage, I would be consulting a lawyer about post-nuptials and divorce and gathering documents.
Personally, I’m not into open marriage - and the end of this process of considering open marriage would, for me, be divorce, but at a time and place of my choosing and with known fair settlement terms.
YMMV.
I like the idea of using the ask for a post-nup to get a better settlement than you would get if you went straight to a divorce. I mean, a divorce is obviously on the horizon, but if this could get you better terms and you have the mental strength to try it, worth a shot. I'd ask for 70% of the assets and alimony, or something ridiculous like that, and see how he reacts. In the mean time, you should be seeing multiple attorneys right now and getting the work done. Divorce is tedious.
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