Two spouses: a play

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who organized all these events to begin with? Start there.

Why? You think children should nto have a life and get to be inovlved in these experiences? If you don't want to be a part of a child's life, don't have kids.

Lol none of our kids are suffering from lack of experiences If anything they are massively overstimulated, especially this time of year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Act 1
A happy family, one husband, one wife and three lovely children. Child A has a holiday performance on Thursday morning and needs to wear a “green Christmas sweater, blue jeans and white sneakers” per teacher instructions. Child 2 has Christmas caroling at the old people’s home on Friday and needs a red dress and plate of cookies. Child 3 is receiving an award for a speech on Friday also, and will be needing a birthday present for friend’s party that same afternoon. Wife takes care of all of these things noiselessly, on top of regular work. She also lets husband know where to be on performance and award day.
Act 2
Husband: shows up.
Act 3
Society: why do women complain about mental labor? It’s a fiction that only exists in their hysterical imaginations and they invent tasks to do because they are hysterical.

Curtain.

All of these things being … picking out some clothing, getting some cookies and a birthday present? That … sounds … exhausting? Is that what my takeaway is here?

At any point was there some discussion in the family? “Larla, find a green shirt. Marla, get your read dress. Darla, pick out a present on Amazon. Honey, can you pick up some snickerdoodles on the way home?”

Right. I definitely feel like a child writing and receiving an award for a speech is capable of getting a birthday present and saying dad my show is on x day and time be there.
Alot of this mental load stuff is being a parent and the struggle is created by the need for rigid control, and refusal to delegate

What kid is getting a birthday present? Do you allow your kids to surf your Amazon account and make their own purchases? Because most people don't want their kids to do that.

Yes, my children are capable of saying what they want to give their friends for birthday presents. WTF.

Candy and $67 of makeup! Buy it daddy!

Is your husband incapable of using his brain?

Or are you just the obnoxious controlling type who complains they have to do everything but anytime someone tries to take over, you complain that what they are doing isn't right.

Most dads would know not to buy $67 of makeup for a gift. It may not be exactly what you would have bought...but that's ok.

So ma’am what would you say to him once the above happened? Anything?

What would you say to him the 20th time it happened a year? Anything?

I've never had to say anything because DH is a capable adult. The problem here isn't the "mental load" or whatever. The problem here is your husband is an idiot if he thinks $70 of make up is an appropriate birthday gift.

To each their own. I'm a mom of two middle school daughters and they have absolutely given their friends $70 of makeup as a birthday present.

That PP is exactly the type of martyr mom everyone is talking about. She has made up an arbitrary rule about what an appropriate birthday gift is. I'm not sure what that amount is, but she has one and it will be her husband's job to guess what it is when he is tasked with buying the gift. He will almost certainly get it "wrong" and then there will be hell to pay so next time he just doesn't do it. It's her way or the highway. She made up the rules and it's his job to read her mind and get it right. Whether it's the "appropriate" birthday gift, or correct green shirt she envisioned, or the right flavor of cookie from the right store for caroling, or the correct red dress, not too short, not too tight. He's supposed to just do it her way, as if there is only one correct way (there isn't) or else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who organized all these events to begin with? Start there.

Why? You think children should nto have a life and get to be inovlved in these experiences? If you don't want to be a part of a child's life, don't have kids.

DP

I don’t think the child will miss the absence of OPs cookies at the old people home.

Why would you think that? The kid probably signed up to do it. It doesn’t sound like it was something the OP planned.
This is the kind of thing my daughter would have signed up for and said she could bring cookies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who organized all these events to begin with? Start there.

Why? You think children should nto have a life and get to be inovlved in these experiences? If you don't want to be a part of a child's life, don't have kids.

DP

I don’t think the child will miss the absence of OPs cookies at the old people home.

Why would you think that? The kid probably signed up to do it. It doesn’t sound like it was something the OP planned.
This is the kind of thing my daughter would have signed up for and said she could bring cookies.

Where would this random sign up be? If it was through school a permission slip would be needed. If it was through church, Girl Scouts or another club then who signed her up for those? Kids aren't randomly signing up for activities on their own. And it's ok to just tell the kid no, that they are too busy that night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the thing that’s difficult about these types of asks is 1) there is often not a lot of notice so there’s a bit of a scramble if you don’t have a green shirt (have to not only buy one but buy one that will arrive on time which limits the options) and 2) these things are on top of the million things you have to do already and they tend to cluster around busy times of the year. My husband works more than I do so I don’t mind doing *more* of this stuff but I don’t appreciate having to *always* be the one who finds time to do the extra things.

I try and do what I can to keep the day to day stuff reasonable so I can add on these extra things without being flustered. But it means things like celebrating my kid’s December birthday in January and not doing some of the magic making for Christmas that some people are able to do (it’s also the busy season at my work). And even still it’s sometimes a lot and I wish I didn’t have to be up ordering a shirt once the kids are finally asleep. I can only imagine how nice it would be if when that random email came in I didn’t even think about it and knew my DH would take care of it. I can’t do that because he just won’t if he feels too busy. He is ok disappointing the kids in a way I am not. I have tried it enough times to know that.

And the Greek chorus of “it’s your fault because you knew what he was doing like when you married him” can just shut up because no I didn’t. We both worked all the time, and I had multiple periods of having a more challenging workload and we just powered through kind of surviving. Someone had to change when we had kids but I changed a whole heck of a lot more.

You have multiple children? Your spouse was co-equal with one child, but not more?

What was the family planning discussion like when you discussed having more than one child, where he was a co-equal parent?

The family planning discussion after our first was that I was unwilling to do it all and have a second so I was one and done unless he made some changes. He agreed (I think he intellectually agrees that our split should be more equal) and left his intensive job for one with better hours and did much better for about a year at which time I agreed to have a second child. We had about 6 good months with number 2 (he took his maximum allowed paternity leave and was completely off) and then he started to become dissatisfied with his work. A short time after that he decided he “had to leave” his family friendly job and “the only jobs available” were along the lines of the one I objected to in the first place with zero work life boundaries. I vehemently argued against ALL of this and basically begged him to stay at his current job but I had no more leverage because he only wanted two kids. It has been impossible to argue with because he just says he couldn’t stay and is completely unwilling to do shift his career at all so the options in that narrow definition of his career are relatively limited. So now I make it work. I love my second kid and can’t regret them but this is NOT what I agreed to. I will never know if this is what he planned all along. I don’t actually think so but who knows.

I know other women who have similar stories. It’s more common than you think.

Yes to this! I have a friend who had a similar conversation with her DH prior to having their second child that her DH adamantly wanted. Fast forward to present day, her DH is working a bigger job and she is left with all the household and childcare responsibilities, on top of working (a job she loves and doesn’t want to give up). Hopefully for those with DH’s like this, he (or both of you) are making enough money to outsource and enjoy this wild ride.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who organized all these events to begin with? Start there.

Why? You think children should nto have a life and get to be inovlved in these experiences? If you don't want to be a part of a child's life, don't have kids.

DP

I don’t think the child will miss the absence of OPs cookies at the old people home.

Why would you think that? The kid probably signed up to do it. It doesn’t sound like it was something the OP planned.
This is the kind of thing my daughter would have signed up for and said she could bring cookies.

I don't concede that OP didn't plan this.

Either way, if a child is unilaterally signing up for activities that carry requirements like cookies and a specific outfit, they are old enough to fulfill these requirements. You don't get to assign the requirement work to other family members, where it becomes and item on someones "NEED to do list".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the thing that’s difficult about these types of asks is 1) there is often not a lot of notice so there’s a bit of a scramble if you don’t have a green shirt (have to not only buy one but buy one that will arrive on time which limits the options) and 2) these things are on top of the million things you have to do already and they tend to cluster around busy times of the year. My husband works more than I do so I don’t mind doing *more* of this stuff but I don’t appreciate having to *always* be the one who finds time to do the extra things.

I try and do what I can to keep the day to day stuff reasonable so I can add on these extra things without being flustered. But it means things like celebrating my kid’s December birthday in January and not doing some of the magic making for Christmas that some people are able to do (it’s also the busy season at my work). And even still it’s sometimes a lot and I wish I didn’t have to be up ordering a shirt once the kids are finally asleep. I can only imagine how nice it would be if when that random email came in I didn’t even think about it and knew my DH would take care of it. I can’t do that because he just won’t if he feels too busy. He is ok disappointing the kids in a way I am not. I have tried it enough times to know that.

And the Greek chorus of “it’s your fault because you knew what he was doing like when you married him” can just shut up because no I didn’t. We both worked all the time, and I had multiple periods of having a more challenging workload and we just powered through kind of surviving. Someone had to change when we had kids but I changed a whole heck of a lot more.

You have multiple children? Your spouse was co-equal with one child, but not more?

What was the family planning discussion like when you discussed having more than one child, where he was a co-equal parent?

The family planning discussion after our first was that I was unwilling to do it all and have a second so I was one and done unless he made some changes. He agreed (I think he intellectually agrees that our split should be more equal) and left his intensive job for one with better hours and did much better for about a year at which time I agreed to have a second child. We had about 6 good months with number 2 (he took his maximum allowed paternity leave and was completely off) and then he started to become dissatisfied with his work. A short time after that he decided he “had to leave” his family friendly job and “the only jobs available” were along the lines of the one I objected to in the first place with zero work life boundaries. I vehemently argued against ALL of this and basically begged him to stay at his current job but I had no more leverage because he only wanted two kids. It has been impossible to argue with because he just says he couldn’t stay and is completely unwilling to do shift his career at all so the options in that narrow definition of his career are relatively limited. So now I make it work. I love my second kid and can’t regret them but this is NOT what I agreed to. I will never know if this is what he planned all along. I don’t actually think so but who knows.

I know other women who have similar stories. It’s more common than you think.

Yes to this! I have a friend who had a similar conversation with her DH prior to having their second child that her DH adamantly wanted. Fast forward to present day, her DH is working a bigger job and she is left with all the household and childcare responsibilities, on top of working (a job she loves and doesn’t want to give up). Hopefully for those with DH’s like this, he (or both of you) are making enough money to outsource and enjoy this wild ride.

+1 to outsourcing.

And if you can't afford to outsource the cookies, World Central Kitchen is there for those deprived of this essential human need.

[Anonymous]

Am I the only one to think this isn’t a big deal? I do many things for my kids because it’s easier. My DH does other stuff. Why is this a 13-page thread?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Act 1
A happy family, one husband, one wife and three lovely children. Child A has a holiday performance on Thursday morning and needs to wear a “green Christmas sweater, blue jeans and white sneakers” per teacher instructions. Child 2 has Christmas caroling at the old people’s home on Friday and needs a red dress and plate of cookies. Child 3 is receiving an award for a speech on Friday also, and will be needing a birthday present for friend’s party that same afternoon. Wife takes care of all of these things noiselessly, on top of regular work. She also lets husband know where to be on performance and award day.
Act 2
Husband: shows up.
Act 3
Society: why do women complain about mental labor? It’s a fiction that only exists in their hysterical imaginations and they invent tasks to do because they are hysterical.

Curtain.

All of these things being … picking out some clothing, getting some cookies and a birthday present? That … sounds … exhausting? Is that what my takeaway is here?

At any point was there some discussion in the family? “Larla, find a green shirt. Marla, get your read dress. Darla, pick out a present on Amazon. Honey, can you pick up some snickerdoodles on the way home?”

Right. I definitely feel like a child writing and receiving an award for a speech is capable of getting a birthday present and saying dad my show is on x day and time be there.
Alot of this mental load stuff is being a parent and the struggle is created by the need for rigid control, and refusal to delegate

What kid is getting a birthday present? Do you allow your kids to surf your Amazon account and make their own purchases? Because most people don't want their kids to do that.

Yes, my children are capable of saying what they want to give their friends for birthday presents. WTF.

Candy and $67 of makeup! Buy it daddy!

Is your husband incapable of using his brain?

Or are you just the obnoxious controlling type who complains they have to do everything but anytime someone tries to take over, you complain that what they are doing isn't right.

Most dads would know not to buy $67 of makeup for a gift. It may not be exactly what you would have bought...but that's ok.

So ma’am what would you say to him once the above happened? Anything?

What would you say to him the 20th time it happened a year? Anything?

I've never had to say anything because DH is a capable adult. The problem here isn't the "mental load" or whatever. The problem here is your husband is an idiot if he thinks $70 of make up is an appropriate birthday gift.

To each their own. I'm a mom of two middle school daughters and they have absolutely given their friends $70 of makeup as a birthday present.

That PP is exactly the type of martyr mom everyone is talking about. She has made up an arbitrary rule about what an appropriate birthday gift is. I'm not sure what that amount is, but she has one and it will be her husband's job to guess what it is when he is tasked with buying the gift. He will almost certainly get it "wrong" and then there will be hell to pay so next time he just doesn't do it. It's her way or the highway. She made up the rules and it's his job to read her mind and get it right. Whether it's the "appropriate" birthday gift, or correct green shirt she envisioned, or the right flavor of cookie from the right store for caroling, or the correct red dress, not too short, not too tight. He's supposed to just do it her way, as if there is only one correct way (there isn't) or else.

If you are married to someone like this, you should appreciate them more. My husband and I both grew up in rural areas, and I can never figure this stuff out. You don’t know what it’s like to have the kid or to be the kid who is always in the “wrong” red dress. Like long sleeves when everyone else is in slinky clothes and you look like a Mennonite. Or slinky dress when everyone else is in a sweater dress, and you look like the prostitute at the choir concert.

I wish I had someone telling me exactly how to get it right all of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Act 1
A happy family, one husband, one wife and three lovely children. Child A has a holiday performance on Thursday morning and needs to wear a “green Christmas sweater, blue jeans and white sneakers” per teacher instructions. Child 2 has Christmas caroling at the old people’s home on Friday and needs a red dress and plate of cookies. Child 3 is receiving an award for a speech on Friday also, and will be needing a birthday present for friend’s party that same afternoon. Wife takes care of all of these things noiselessly, on top of regular work. She also lets husband know where to be on performance and award day.
Act 2
Husband: shows up.
Act 3
Society: why do women complain about mental labor? It’s a fiction that only exists in their hysterical imaginations and they invent tasks to do because they are hysterical.

Curtain.

All of these things being … picking out some clothing, getting some cookies and a birthday present? That … sounds … exhausting? Is that what my takeaway is here?

At any point was there some discussion in the family? “Larla, find a green shirt. Marla, get your read dress. Darla, pick out a present on Amazon. Honey, can you pick up some snickerdoodles on the way home?”

Right. I definitely feel like a child writing and receiving an award for a speech is capable of getting a birthday present and saying dad my show is on x day and time be there.
Alot of this mental load stuff is being a parent and the struggle is created by the need for rigid control, and refusal to delegate

What kid is getting a birthday present? Do you allow your kids to surf your Amazon account and make their own purchases? Because most people don't want their kids to do that.

Yes, my children are capable of saying what they want to give their friends for birthday presents. WTF.

Candy and $67 of makeup! Buy it daddy!

Is your husband incapable of using his brain?

Or are you just the obnoxious controlling type who complains they have to do everything but anytime someone tries to take over, you complain that what they are doing isn't right.

Most dads would know not to buy $67 of makeup for a gift. It may not be exactly what you would have bought...but that's ok.

So ma’am what would you say to him once the above happened? Anything?

What would you say to him the 20th time it happened a year? Anything?

I've never had to say anything because DH is a capable adult. The problem here isn't the "mental load" or whatever. The problem here is your husband is an idiot if he thinks $70 of make up is an appropriate birthday gift.

To each their own. I'm a mom of two middle school daughters and they have absolutely given their friends $70 of makeup as a birthday present.

That PP is exactly the type of martyr mom everyone is talking about. She has made up an arbitrary rule about what an appropriate birthday gift is. I'm not sure what that amount is, but she has one and it will be her husband's job to guess what it is when he is tasked with buying the gift. He will almost certainly get it "wrong" and then there will be hell to pay so next time he just doesn't do it. It's her way or the highway. She made up the rules and it's his job to read her mind and get it right. Whether it's the "appropriate" birthday gift, or correct green shirt she envisioned, or the right flavor of cookie from the right store for caroling, or the correct red dress, not too short, not too tight. He's supposed to just do it her way, as if there is only one correct way (there isn't) or else.

If you are married to someone like this, you should appreciate them more. My husband and I both grew up in rural areas, and I can never figure this stuff out. You don’t know what it’s like to have the kid or to be the kid who is always in the “wrong” red dress. Like long sleeves when everyone else is in slinky clothes and you look like a Mennonite. Or slinky dress when everyone else is in a sweater dress, and you look like the prostitute at the choir concert.

I wish I had someone telling me exactly how to get it right all of the time.

No I grew up with someone like that and it's awful. We aren't talking about buying something inappropriate because then that's understandable why PP would be upset at her husband. Yeah if he came home with a slinky dress for a concert, that's weaponized incompetence and a good reason to be annoyed. But a martyr mom will get mad at a perfectly fine dress, it's just not the dress she would have picked out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the thing that’s difficult about these types of asks is 1) there is often not a lot of notice so there’s a bit of a scramble if you don’t have a green shirt (have to not only buy one but buy one that will arrive on time which limits the options) and 2) these things are on top of the million things you have to do already and they tend to cluster around busy times of the year. My husband works more than I do so I don’t mind doing *more* of this stuff but I don’t appreciate having to *always* be the one who finds time to do the extra things.

I try and do what I can to keep the day to day stuff reasonable so I can add on these extra things without being flustered. But it means things like celebrating my kid’s December birthday in January and not doing some of the magic making for Christmas that some people are able to do (it’s also the busy season at my work). And even still it’s sometimes a lot and I wish I didn’t have to be up ordering a shirt once the kids are finally asleep. I can only imagine how nice it would be if when that random email came in I didn’t even think about it and knew my DH would take care of it. I can’t do that because he just won’t if he feels too busy. He is ok disappointing the kids in a way I am not. I have tried it enough times to know that.

And the Greek chorus of “it’s your fault because you knew what he was doing like when you married him” can just shut up because no I didn’t. We both worked all the time, and I had multiple periods of having a more challenging workload and we just powered through kind of surviving. Someone had to change when we had kids but I changed a whole heck of a lot more.

You have multiple children? Your spouse was co-equal with one child, but not more?

What was the family planning discussion like when you discussed having more than one child, where he was a co-equal parent?

The family planning discussion after our first was that I was unwilling to do it all and have a second so I was one and done unless he made some changes. He agreed (I think he intellectually agrees that our split should be more equal) and left his intensive job for one with better hours and did much better for about a year at which time I agreed to have a second child. We had about 6 good months with number 2 (he took his maximum allowed paternity leave and was completely off) and then he started to become dissatisfied with his work. A short time after that he decided he “had to leave” his family friendly job and “the only jobs available” were along the lines of the one I objected to in the first place with zero work life boundaries. I vehemently argued against ALL of this and basically begged him to stay at his current job but I had no more leverage because he only wanted two kids. It has been impossible to argue with because he just says he couldn’t stay and is completely unwilling to do shift his career at all so the options in that narrow definition of his career are relatively limited. So now I make it work. I love my second kid and can’t regret them but this is NOT what I agreed to. I will never know if this is what he planned all along. I don’t actually think so but who knows.

I know other women who have similar stories. It’s more common than you think.

Yes to this! I have a friend who had a similar conversation with her DH prior to having their second child that her DH adamantly wanted. Fast forward to present day, her DH is working a bigger job and she is left with all the household and childcare responsibilities, on top of working (a job she loves and doesn’t want to give up). Hopefully for those with DH’s like this, he (or both of you) are making enough money to outsource and enjoy this wild ride.

This is one of those "ignoring the red flags/yellow flags" scenarios. It doesn't surprise me at all that PPs husband went back to his old ways. He showed who he was after 1 kid. Then in order to have another kid, she made him agree to change his career and how he helped around the house. Is anyone actually surprised that this didn't work out long term?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Yes to this! I have a friend who had a similar conversation with her DH prior to having their second child that her DH adamantly wanted. Fast forward to present day, her DH is working a bigger job and she is left with all the household and childcare responsibilities, on top of working (a job she loves and doesn’t want to give up). Hopefully for those with DH’s like this, he (or both of you) are making enough money to outsource and enjoy this wild ride.

This is one of those "ignoring the red flags/yellow flags" scenarios. It doesn't surprise me at all that PPs husband went back to his old ways. He showed who he was after 1 kid. Then in order to have another kid, she made him agree to change his career and how he helped around the house. Is anyone actually surprised that this didn't work out long term?


If these DCUM threads are highly accurate pictures of reality, the fact that he's a man is the red flag. It's all the red flag you need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Act 1
A happy family, one husband, one wife and three lovely children. Child A has a holiday performance on Thursday morning and needs to wear a “green Christmas sweater, blue jeans and white sneakers” per teacher instructions. Child 2 has Christmas caroling at the old people’s home on Friday and needs a red dress and plate of cookies. Child 3 is receiving an award for a speech on Friday also, and will be needing a birthday present for friend’s party that same afternoon. Wife takes care of all of these things noiselessly, on top of regular work. She also lets husband know where to be on performance and award day.
Act 2
Husband: shows up.
Act 3
Society: why do women complain about mental labor? It’s a fiction that only exists in their hysterical imaginations and they invent tasks to do because they are hysterical.

Curtain.

All of these things being … picking out some clothing, getting some cookies and a birthday present? That … sounds … exhausting? Is that what my takeaway is here?

At any point was there some discussion in the family? “Larla, find a green shirt. Marla, get your read dress. Darla, pick out a present on Amazon. Honey, can you pick up some snickerdoodles on the way home?”

Right. I definitely feel like a child writing and receiving an award for a speech is capable of getting a birthday present and saying dad my show is on x day and time be there.
Alot of this mental load stuff is being a parent and the struggle is created by the need for rigid control, and refusal to delegate

What kid is getting a birthday present? Do you allow your kids to surf your Amazon account and make their own purchases? Because most people don't want their kids to do that.

Yes, my children are capable of saying what they want to give their friends for birthday presents. WTF.

Candy and $67 of makeup! Buy it daddy!

Is your husband incapable of using his brain?

Or are you just the obnoxious controlling type who complains they have to do everything but anytime someone tries to take over, you complain that what they are doing isn't right.

Most dads would know not to buy $67 of makeup for a gift. It may not be exactly what you would have bought...but that's ok.

So ma’am what would you say to him once the above happened? Anything?

What would you say to him the 20th time it happened a year? Anything?

I've never had to say anything because DH is a capable adult. The problem here isn't the "mental load" or whatever. The problem here is your husband is an idiot if he thinks $70 of make up is an appropriate birthday gift.

To each their own. I'm a mom of two middle school daughters and they have absolutely given their friends $70 of makeup as a birthday present.

That PP is exactly the type of martyr mom everyone is talking about. She has made up an arbitrary rule about what an appropriate birthday gift is. I'm not sure what that amount is, but she has one and it will be her husband's job to guess what it is when he is tasked with buying the gift. He will almost certainly get it "wrong" and then there will be hell to pay so next time he just doesn't do it. It's her way or the highway. She made up the rules and it's his job to read her mind and get it right. Whether it's the "appropriate" birthday gift, or correct green shirt she envisioned, or the right flavor of cookie from the right store for caroling, or the correct red dress, not too short, not too tight. He's supposed to just do it her way, as if there is only one correct way (there isn't) or else.

If you are married to someone like this, you should appreciate them more. My husband and I both grew up in rural areas, and I can never figure this stuff out. You don’t know what it’s like to have the kid or to be the kid who is always in the “wrong” red dress. Like long sleeves when everyone else is in slinky clothes and you look like a Mennonite. Or slinky dress when everyone else is in a sweater dress, and you look like the prostitute at the choir concert.

I wish I had someone telling me exactly how to get it right all of the time.

No I grew up with someone like that and it's awful. We aren't talking about buying something inappropriate because then that's understandable why PP would be upset at her husband. Yeah if he came home with a slinky dress for a concert, that's weaponized incompetence and a good reason to be annoyed. But a martyr mom will get mad at a perfectly fine dress, it's just not the dress she would have picked out.

Exactly. This is why she won’t delegate because nobody will do it “right” and because she can’t cede the tiniest control she feels put upon and gets resentful. If you outsource to share the load, you have to let things go like buying oatmeal cookies instead of chocolate chip or spending more than you would have on the birthday gift. The to do list got done, and that’s all that should matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who organized all these events to begin with? Start there.

Why? You think children should nto have a life and get to be inovlved in these experiences? If you don't want to be a part of a child's life, don't have kids.

DP

I don’t think the child will miss the absence of OPs cookies at the old people home.

Why would you think that? The kid probably signed up to do it. It doesn’t sound like it was something the OP planned.
This is the kind of thing my daughter would have signed up for and said she could bring cookies.

Where would this random sign up be? If it was through school a permission slip would be needed. If it was through church, Girl Scouts or another club then who signed her up for those? Kids aren't randomly signing up for activities on their own. And it's ok to just tell the kid no, that they are too busy that night.

I mean, that’s fine that the OP signed her kid up for Girl Scouts or Sunday school or signs school permission slips.
I thought that the implication was that the child didn’t want to do this.

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Anonymous wrote:Act 1
A happy family, one husband, one wife and three lovely children. Child A has a holiday performance on Thursday morning and needs to wear a “green Christmas sweater, blue jeans and white sneakers” per teacher instructions. Child 2 has Christmas caroling at the old people’s home on Friday and needs a red dress and plate of cookies. Child 3 is receiving an award for a speech on Friday also, and will be needing a birthday present for friend’s party that same afternoon. Wife takes care of all of these things noiselessly, on top of regular work. She also lets husband know where to be on performance and award day.
Act 2
Husband: shows up.
Act 3
Society: why do women complain about mental labor? It’s a fiction that only exists in their hysterical imaginations and they invent tasks to do because they are hysterical.

Curtain.

All of these things being … picking out some clothing, getting some cookies and a birthday present? That … sounds … exhausting? Is that what my takeaway is here?

At any point was there some discussion in the family? “Larla, find a green shirt. Marla, get your read dress. Darla, pick out a present on Amazon. Honey, can you pick up some snickerdoodles on the way home?”

Right. I definitely feel like a child writing and receiving an award for a speech is capable of getting a birthday present and saying dad my show is on x day and time be there.
Alot of this mental load stuff is being a parent and the struggle is created by the need for rigid control, and refusal to delegate

What kid is getting a birthday present? Do you allow your kids to surf your Amazon account and make their own purchases? Because most people don't want their kids to do that.

Yes, my children are capable of saying what they want to give their friends for birthday presents. WTF.

Candy and $67 of makeup! Buy it daddy!

Is your husband incapable of using his brain?

Or are you just the obnoxious controlling type who complains they have to do everything but anytime someone tries to take over, you complain that what they are doing isn't right.

Most dads would know not to buy $67 of makeup for a gift. It may not be exactly what you would have bought...but that's ok.

So ma’am what would you say to him once the above happened? Anything?

What would you say to him the 20th time it happened a year? Anything?

I've never had to say anything because DH is a capable adult. The problem here isn't the "mental load" or whatever. The problem here is your husband is an idiot if he thinks $70 of make up is an appropriate birthday gift.

To each their own. I'm a mom of two middle school daughters and they have absolutely given their friends $70 of makeup as a birthday present.

That PP is exactly the type of martyr mom everyone is talking about. She has made up an arbitrary rule about what an appropriate birthday gift is. I'm not sure what that amount is, but she has one and it will be her husband's job to guess what it is when he is tasked with buying the gift. He will almost certainly get it "wrong" and then there will be hell to pay so next time he just doesn't do it. It's her way or the highway. She made up the rules and it's his job to read her mind and get it right. Whether it's the "appropriate" birthday gift, or correct green shirt she envisioned, or the right flavor of cookie from the right store for caroling, or the correct red dress, not too short, not too tight. He's supposed to just do it her way, as if there is only one correct way (there isn't) or else.

If you are married to someone like this, you should appreciate them more. My husband and I both grew up in rural areas, and I can never figure this stuff out. You don’t know what it’s like to have the kid or to be the kid who is always in the “wrong” red dress. Like long sleeves when everyone else is in slinky clothes and you look like a Mennonite. Or slinky dress when everyone else is in a sweater dress, and you look like the prostitute at the choir concert.

I wish I had someone telling me exactly how to get it right all of the time.

No I grew up with someone like that and it's awful. We aren't talking about buying something inappropriate because then that's understandable why PP would be upset at her husband. Yeah if he came home with a slinky dress for a concert, that's weaponized incompetence and a good reason to be annoyed. But a martyr mom will get mad at a perfectly fine dress, it's just not the dress she would have picked out.

Exactly. This is why she won’t delegate because nobody will do it “right” and because she can’t cede the tiniest control she feels put upon and gets resentful. If you outsource to share the load, you have to let things go like buying oatmeal cookies instead of chocolate chip or spending more than you would have on the birthday gift. The to do list got done, and that’s all that should matter.

+1 When you delegate responsibility, the responsible person gets to decide how to complete the task.

Some people want to micromanage the delegates. Some people won't delegate at all. In either case, they want to do everything.