No Kids at Wedding - Why So Much Anger?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't go to my brother's second wedding because my kids weren't invited. I live out of state and all family was going to the wedding. By not inviting my kids it meant I couldn't go. I didn't want to anyway, so it was an easy decision. I didn't want to go because my family is clueless and abusive, and this was just another example of their cluelessness.

But had you wanted to attend, you could have left them home with your husband and gone alone. Or travel to the wedding area, and hire a sitter for your kids. There are many viable solutions

+1
It's fine to not attend a wedding if your kids aren't invited. But don't pretend it's some impossible task to attend if they aren't invited. There are any options available. If you don't want to choose them, fine, but that's your choice. You are choosing not to attend. Own it.

You guys must not like your families. Personally, I cannot imagine not having my family at my wedding. What's the point?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't go to my brother's second wedding because my kids weren't invited. I live out of state and all family was going to the wedding. By not inviting my kids it meant I couldn't go. I didn't want to anyway, so it was an easy decision. I didn't want to go because my family is clueless and abusive, and this was just another example of their cluelessness.

But had you wanted to attend, you could have left them home with your husband and gone alone. Or travel to the wedding area, and hire a sitter for your kids. There are many viable solutions

+1
It's fine to not attend a wedding if your kids aren't invited. But don't pretend it's some impossible task to attend if they aren't invited. There are any options available. If you don't want to choose them, fine, but that's your choice. You are choosing not to attend. Own it.

You guys must not like your families. Personally, I cannot imagine not having my family at my wedding. What's the point?

The majority of people at my wedding were family. Just none that were underage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My cousin had an absolute hissy fit that I opted not to come to her adults-only destination wedding when my baby was 9 months old. "I can't believe you're doing this, I came to your wedding!" She's refused to speak to me ever since and spent in inordinate amount of time badmouthing me to the rest of the family. Whatever.

What an entitled jerk of a bride. This is consistent with my opinion of people who have childfree weddings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's fine for random friends' kids, but my 12 year old would be sad if she was not invited to her uncle's wedding.

And it's alright for her to be sad. Not everything is about her. 12 is a fine age to learn that.

A 12 year old should be invited. Or, she learns she isn't family. Hope this uncle doesn't expect the 12 year old to babysit his kids or have a relationship.

Is she not family if a dinner is hosted at a bar? Or if you attend an 18+ comedy show? There is no rule that "12 year olds should be invited".

Not inviting a 12 year old to an 18+ comedy show: normal.
Not inviting a 12 year old to an immediate (or near immediate) family members church wedding and dinner/ dancing reception: not normal.

“Near immediate”? I think the word you are looking for is “extended.”

To me, extended is the child of a second cousin. Not an uncle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's fine for random friends' kids, but my 12 year old would be sad if she was not invited to her uncle's wedding.

And it's alright for her to be sad. Not everything is about her. 12 is a fine age to learn that.

A 12 year old should be invited. Or, she learns she isn't family. Hope this uncle doesn't expect the 12 year old to babysit his kids or have a relationship.

Is she not family if a dinner is hosted at a bar? Or if you attend an 18+ comedy show? There is no rule that "12 year olds should be invited".

Not inviting a 12 year old to an 18+ comedy show: normal.
Not inviting a 12 year old to an immediate (or near immediate) family members church wedding and dinner/ dancing reception: not normal.

“Near immediate”? I think the word you are looking for is “extended.”

To me, extended is the child of a second cousin. Not an uncle.

Extended family means not your immediate family, so yes, an uncle is extended.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so glad you posted. I've never seen a discussion about this before and I think it needs to be finally brought up on DCUM!

Next, we should start threads about redshirting, switching seats on planes, off leash dogs, and whether or not schools should be closed for snow.

Ha ha. Too right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't go to my brother's second wedding because my kids weren't invited. I live out of state and all family was going to the wedding. By not inviting my kids it meant I couldn't go. I didn't want to anyway, so it was an easy decision. I didn't want to go because my family is clueless and abusive, and this was just another example of their cluelessness.

But had you wanted to attend, you could have left them home with your husband and gone alone. Or travel to the wedding area, and hire a sitter for your kids. There are many viable solutions

+1
It's fine to not attend a wedding if your kids aren't invited. But don't pretend it's some impossible task to attend if they aren't invited. There are any options available. If you don't want to choose them, fine, but that's your choice. You are choosing not to attend. Own it.

You guys must not like your families. Personally, I cannot imagine not having my family at my wedding. What's the point?

Sorry I’m not flying 10+ hours to attend a second wedding without my partner and kids. And certainly not going to pay to fly my kids that far for them to stay with strangers while we go to wedding events.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't go to my brother's second wedding because my kids weren't invited. I live out of state and all family was going to the wedding. By not inviting my kids it meant I couldn't go. I didn't want to anyway, so it was an easy decision. I didn't want to go because my family is clueless and abusive, and this was just another example of their cluelessness.

But had you wanted to attend, you could have left them home with your husband and gone alone. Or travel to the wedding area, and hire a sitter for your kids. There are many viable solutions

+1
It's fine to not attend a wedding if your kids aren't invited. But don't pretend it's some impossible task to attend if they aren't invited. There are any options available. If you don't want to choose them, fine, but that's your choice. You are choosing not to attend. Own it.

You guys must not like your families. Personally, I cannot imagine not having my family at my wedding. What's the point?

Sorry I’m not flying 10+ hours to attend a second wedding without my partner and kids. And certainly not going to pay to fly my kids that far for them to stay with strangers while we go to wedding events.

Continued… I didn’t push the issue, by the way. I just declined the rsvp.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are South Asian and of course had kids at our wedding. But my cousin's kid wailed throughout my ceremony and my cousin didn't have the sense to take the kid outside of the hall. Years later, that same cousin's other kid almost ruined a couple's first dance bc the parents couldn't be bothered to keep their kid away from the dance floor for a few minutes.

This is to say, I understand why people exclude kids from weddings. It's not about the kids, it's about the entitled/clueless parents of said kids that don't remove their kid or correct their behavior.

See, a lot of people would find it really cute that a kid occupies the dance floor during the first dance. If I were the bride, I would love it and cherish those pics. Sadly, no kid came up to us during the dance, but I do have hilarious pics of kid shenanigans during other parts of my wedding - they're the best! I'm French, had my wedding in a castle in France, and all the kids were running around, petting the horses of the horse-drawn carriage (under supervision), running into the garden or the fields... it was carefree and exactly what I thought should happen.

The root of the problem is a fundamental difference in how certain adults view the presence of children, who naturally understand the world differently from adults. Childhood is so short and precious. Most of the world understands that this is a time to be understanding of their needs, not try to straight-jacket them into unnecessary decorum. The decorum gets learned every day. My kids are now young adults and teens. They and their cousins have absorbed all the required mannerisms to be courteous adults. They are none of the worse for being invited to weddings and being allowed to express themselves.

This isn’t cute. At all. Why would you think its cure for kids to upstage the couple for the first dance? The kids can slide on their knees the next 30 songs.

and herein lies the delusion. You’re not famous - nobody wants to see your first dance as if you were on Broadway. There is no “upstaging” unless you are impossibly self-centered.

No, it is THEIR wedding. The day is literally all about them. They are entitled to want the first dance, the dance with Bride/Dad, Bride/Mom, Groom/Mom, cutting the cake and anything else to happen without a rude, obnoxious, unparented kid ruining it. That is why they didn't invite the kids---it's the simplest, easiest way to ensure that does not occur. they also likely know you are a relative and do not believe in helping your kids behave (or even expecting them to behave) so it's easiest to just not have the kids there

I know how it could be ALL about the bride and groom: invite nobody! Or invite only paid actors who look and perform exactly how Bridezilla wants. The notion that guests are there as the audience for the bride’s Big Day is just very sad and narcissistic. Weddings have always been about more than the couple.

No, it is all about the bride and groom. They get to decide who they want, how they want the wedding done/reception/etc. It's their wedding so their choice. If you don't like it, feel free not to attend. It's not bridezilla to not want toddlers at your wedding. And if you as a parent cannot find a way to leave them with a sitter for 6-8 hours, then stay home with your kids and skip the wedding. Your choice.
Most adults get a sitter and enjoy an evening out without their kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are South Asian and of course had kids at our wedding. But my cousin's kid wailed throughout my ceremony and my cousin didn't have the sense to take the kid outside of the hall. Years later, that same cousin's other kid almost ruined a couple's first dance bc the parents couldn't be bothered to keep their kid away from the dance floor for a few minutes.

This is to say, I understand why people exclude kids from weddings. It's not about the kids, it's about the entitled/clueless parents of said kids that don't remove their kid or correct their behavior.

I appreciate your comments. People always like to say it's a white thing to disinvite kids but all the non-white Asian/Indian weddings I've been to have the worst behaved kids running around the venue, the dance floor, speaking/screaming through the vows and speeches......all in the name of faammmmmmleeeee. Nauseating.

Exactly (and I have been to a ton---married to an Indian). The lack of parenting from some of them and then they just think it's so cute is annoying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are South Asian and of course had kids at our wedding. But my cousin's kid wailed throughout my ceremony and my cousin didn't have the sense to take the kid outside of the hall. Years later, that same cousin's other kid almost ruined a couple's first dance bc the parents couldn't be bothered to keep their kid away from the dance floor for a few minutes.

This is to say, I understand why people exclude kids from weddings. It's not about the kids, it's about the entitled/clueless parents of said kids that don't remove their kid or correct their behavior.

See, a lot of people would find it really cute that a kid occupies the dance floor during the first dance. If I were the bride, I would love it and cherish those pics. Sadly, no kid came up to us during the dance, but I do have hilarious pics of kid shenanigans during other parts of my wedding - they're the best! I'm French, had my wedding in a castle in France, and all the kids were running around, petting the horses of the horse-drawn carriage (under supervision), running into the garden or the fields... it was carefree and exactly what I thought should happen.

The root of the problem is a fundamental difference in how certain adults view the presence of children, who naturally understand the world differently from adults. Childhood is so short and precious. Most of the world understands that this is a time to be understanding of their needs, not try to straight-jacket them into unnecessary decorum. The decorum gets learned every day. My kids are now young adults and teens. They and their cousins have absorbed all the required mannerisms to be courteous adults. They are none of the worse for being invited to weddings and being allowed to express themselves.

This isn’t cute. At all. Why would you think its cure for kids to upstage the couple for the first dance? The kids can slide on their knees the next 30 songs.

and herein lies the delusion. You’re not famous - nobody wants to see your first dance as if you were on Broadway. There is no “upstaging” unless you are impossibly self-centered.

But they don't want to see your kids either. The bride and groom paid for the party. It's their party. Your kids are tolerated at best. If you want your kid on the stage performing, send them to dance class where there is a recital.

why would you invite people you’re so hostile towards? Seriously. why make such a big deal if it’s just “a party”?

I think there are some reasonable points here made about worsening discipline, the expense of hosting your mom’s coworker’s kids, etc. But some people don’t quite seem to get that the reason people make an effort and sometimes go to great cost to attend weddings is because they are more than just “a party.”

Why would you go to a wedding if you begrudge the couple their first dance? How self centered are you?

i don’t begrudge them the first dance but I do think this idea that they are broadway stars everyone is rapt to see is a bit cringe. No matter how well they dance it’s always a bit cringe and everyone is relieved when it ends.

But if your 4 year old was out there with them it would be 10000% better?

It's their wedding, whatever they want to do for the first dance is their choice. Your job is not to critique it all. You can choose when you get married.

This is why people don't want kids at the wedding. That PP thinks the sun shines out of her kid's butt. She doesn't care at all about the bride and groom, it's just a reason to get her kid dressed up and have their moment in the spotlight being 'adorable' during a couple's first dance. PPs kid isn't the reason people are there, as much as she seems to think. The bad parenting is pretty cringe.

No, that’s not what I said although I think a cute toddler dancing is much less cringe than an overrehearsed cringe dance routine or everyone staring at the couple slow dancing.

So you should really just not attend weddings if that bothers you so much

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's fine for random friends' kids, but my 12 year old would be sad if she was not invited to her uncle's wedding.

And it's alright for her to be sad. Not everything is about her. 12 is a fine age to learn that.

A fine age to learn that she is a second class family member in her uncles eyes.

Or simply that there are some events that are adult only, and others that are for kids. And that not everything is about what you want

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Np. We invited kids and I think kids make a wedding. It’s also a chance to teach kids how to behave at such events.

I think the no kids trend started as a way to cut numbers / costs.

Everyone I know who didn't invite kids largely did so because they couldn't trust the kids to behave (or the parents to parent and manage their kids)
It's cute until a bratty kid topples the wedding cake or ruins the first dance. And if you think as a parent "but Johnny didn't mean to, he's only 3 and he's so cute" rather than, "I should have managed my kid or not brought him to this event" you are the one with an issue.

I love kids, but I hate poorly behaved kids who are not parented. And I'm smart enough to know that 4pm onwards is the witching hour and the cranky hour for any kid under 5. So yeah, I'm happy when I could leave my 4 yo with a babysitter and go to a 3pm wedding and reception and not have to stress about the kid being miserable, tired, and bored.

This. Who wants to drag young children across multiple states to then have them sit through a ceremony and finally a late dinner where speeches last far too long. The entire event is disregulating for little kids - travel, long day, late dinner, lots of people, potentially non kid friendly food and then finally cake and dancing just as the kids are crashing. I also do not understand why an aunt would feel the need to speak with a nice or nephew about inviting their first cousins once removed (her grandchildren) to a wedding.

[Anonymous]

I’ll attend local (within an hour) childfree weddings. I won’t use leave or fly for them.

If you’re looking for my participation in a weekend extravaganza with rehearsal and brunch then my family is in the package.

But I have no problem sending regrets if that’s not your vision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ll attend local (within an hour) childfree weddings. I won’t use leave or fly for them.

If you’re looking for my participation in a weekend extravaganza with rehearsal and brunch then my family is in the package.

But I have no problem sending regrets if that’s not your vision.

+1

Yep. Pretty much the same.