What personal battle are you currently fighting?

[Anonymous]

Single parenting. I’m exhausted and have no social life. My kid needs drivers Ed and test prep, but I can’t really afford them. I’m trying to get a part time job on top of my full time and no one will hire me because I’m “too educated for this kind of part time job”. I need the money. I don’t know where she’ll go to college. Ugh. It’s just so stressful. On top of that I can’t lose any weight!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My entire family growing up—mom, dad, and brother have all died in the past 18 months. Dealing with the grief, as well as feeling alone, has been all consuming.

I’m so sorry!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am deeply, mutually in love and feel I have found my person. He feels the same. But he has a young child, and I’d never imagined that I would be with someone with a kid. Taking on the role of stepparent and having his ex be part of his/our life forever seems like too much for me to take on. Keeping his life with me and his life as a parent separate as we have been is starting to weigh heavily and it’s getting close to the time where I need to jump in or jump ship. Every day I agonize over whether I should walk away from the love of my life and break both our hearts (but set him free), or accept the life I must have to be with him. Some days I think it would be crazy to walk away and lose so much happiness, and some days I think it would be crazy to stay and risk so much unhappiness. It feels like the true pivotal moment of my life and I don’t know what to do.

How old is the child and have you met/spent any time with them? Do you want kids of your own or had you envisioned a life without kids?

Maybe you can reframe this as the opportunity to love a new person who is an extension of someone you already love. Yes kids add a lot of chaos to life and have to be a priority, but they grow and it’s not like they are a little kid that will live with you forever (barring special needs). And if the ex is involved then you guys should have 50% free time to do adult things, travel, etc.

I haven’t met the kid yet, only because I feel very strongly that I didn’t want to become part of their life unless I was in it for the long haul. They’re 4. It’s coming up on 10 months though, so it really is time.

I like kids and have spent a lot of time nannying and babysitting, and having spent far too much time on this website I think I have much more theoretical parenting knowledge than the average childless person. I’d be a decent parent. I never had any strong pull to be a mother but wasn’t against it. I figured it may happen if I met the right person, and it has. From early on I was able to imagine having a baby with him. I have no doubt whether we have kids of our own or not, his child will add a lot of fun and joy and love to my life (in addition to the challenges and frustrations of caring for a little kid).

It’s just..all the complications. Having to be civil/friendly with his ex who is genuinely a mean-spirited person and an irresponsible parent (I’ve seen and experienced it for myself, my boyfriend does not degrade his child’s mother). The fact that I will likely end up loving this child and have no right to make decisions about their life. Jealousy. That we will never be free to live wherever we want. Negotiating holidays for the rest of forever. And probably countless logistical challenges I can’t even conceive of yet. My boyfriend adores me and has truly prioritized my happiness and well-being above all else so far and I have no doubt he will do his best to protect me from any unpleasantness, but there’s only so much he can do and I will have to compromise on my wants and needs. What if I can’t handle it? What if I regret signing myself up for this? But what if I regret letting him be the one who got away because I was too scared?

I can’t see myself finding as good a match for me again. It’s not the end of the world if I don’t, but it makes it hard to walk away. I’m a serial monogamist, dated a ton, and i’ve never once imagined myself marrying any past partners but I figured that was normal for everyone, and you just kind of decide to get married anyway because it’s the right time, they’d make a good parent, it’s a good financial decision etc. A couple months into dating this guy I was like…oh. This is how it’s supposed to be. I’ve never felt so deeply cared for and cherished, or such deep mutual respect and admiration. I’ve never been with someone who made me feel confident that they will always be on my team 100% no matter what. I’ve never felt so at peace. It’s a love that is calm, quiet, and easy. If it felt any less right it would be easier to say for sure the life I’m in for with him isn’t for me and I need to move on.

Goodness, this got too long, but I appreciate being able to get my thoughts out after feeling so alone with this for so long. If anyone actually read this, thank you.

Take the leap. Every relationship has something. You may never find this connection again.

I cannot imagine walking away from what you describe, which sounds once-in-a-lifetime. I will admit that I can’t fully wrap my head around your reticence - it feels like a no-brainer. What you will gain will be so much greater than any potential challenges, which no life is without. I can only guess you are afraid of this commitment, for deeper reasons. Which is okay. But the drawbacks are dwarfed, in my opinion by all of the good - so much good!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am deeply, mutually in love and feel I have found my person. He feels the same. But he has a young child, and I’d never imagined that I would be with someone with a kid. Taking on the role of stepparent and having his ex be part of his/our life forever seems like too much for me to take on. Keeping his life with me and his life as a parent separate as we have been is starting to weigh heavily and it’s getting close to the time where I need to jump in or jump ship. Every day I agonize over whether I should walk away from the love of my life and break both our hearts (but set him free), or accept the life I must have to be with him. Some days I think it would be crazy to walk away and lose so much happiness, and some days I think it would be crazy to stay and risk so much unhappiness. It feels like the true pivotal moment of my life and I don’t know what to do.

How old is the child and have you met/spent any time with them? Do you want kids of your own or had you envisioned a life without kids?

Maybe you can reframe this as the opportunity to love a new person who is an extension of someone you already love. Yes kids add a lot of chaos to life and have to be a priority, but they grow and it’s not like they are a little kid that will live with you forever (barring special needs). And if the ex is involved then you guys should have 50% free time to do adult things, travel, etc.

I haven’t met the kid yet, only because I feel very strongly that I didn’t want to become part of their life unless I was in it for the long haul. They’re 4. It’s coming up on 10 months though, so it really is time.

I like kids and have spent a lot of time nannying and babysitting, and having spent far too much time on this website I think I have much more theoretical parenting knowledge than the average childless person. I’d be a decent parent. I never had any strong pull to be a mother but wasn’t against it. I figured it may happen if I met the right person, and it has. From early on I was able to imagine having a baby with him. I have no doubt whether we have kids of our own or not, his child will add a lot of fun and joy and love to my life (in addition to the challenges and frustrations of caring for a little kid).

It’s just..all the complications. Having to be civil/friendly with his ex who is genuinely a mean-spirited person and an irresponsible parent (I’ve seen and experienced it for myself, my boyfriend does not degrade his child’s mother). The fact that I will likely end up loving this child and have no right to make decisions about their life. Jealousy. That we will never be free to live wherever we want. Negotiating holidays for the rest of forever. And probably countless logistical challenges I can’t even conceive of yet. My boyfriend adores me and has truly prioritized my happiness and well-being above all else so far and I have no doubt he will do his best to protect me from any unpleasantness, but there’s only so much he can do and I will have to compromise on my wants and needs. What if I can’t handle it? What if I regret signing myself up for this? But what if I regret letting him be the one who got away because I was too scared?

I can’t see myself finding as good a match for me again. It’s not the end of the world if I don’t, but it makes it hard to walk away. I’m a serial monogamist, dated a ton, and i’ve never once imagined myself marrying any past partners but I figured that was normal for everyone, and you just kind of decide to get married anyway because it’s the right time, they’d make a good parent, it’s a good financial decision etc. A couple months into dating this guy I was like…oh. This is how it’s supposed to be. I’ve never felt so deeply cared for and cherished, or such deep mutual respect and admiration. I’ve never been with someone who made me feel confident that they will always be on my team 100% no matter what. I’ve never felt so at peace. It’s a love that is calm, quiet, and easy. If it felt any less right it would be easier to say for sure the life I’m in for with him isn’t for me and I need to move on.

Goodness, this got too long, but I appreciate being able to get my thoughts out after feeling so alone with this for so long. If anyone actually read this, thank you.

Take the leap. Every relationship has something. You may never find this connection again.

I cannot imagine walking away from what you describe, which sounds once-in-a-lifetime. I will admit that I can’t fully wrap my head around your reticence - it feels like a no-brainer. What you will gain will be so much greater than any potential challenges, which no life is without. I can only guess you are afraid of this commitment, for deeper reasons. Which is okay. But the drawbacks are dwarfed, in my opinion by all of the good - so much good!

^can’t imagine walking away from what *PP* (in the relationship with the man with the kid) describes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I visited Florida for the first time last week and felt deeply unhappy and lonely there. I'm an immigrant from Europe and always felt fine in DC and other states I've visited, but FL was inexplicably depressive.

I wonder why. FL actually has a pretty large immigrant population, including of European heritages. So it can't be that.

Maybe because I expected the vibe to be somewhat similar to Charleston, which I really like. But there was nothing similar. I traveled solo because I took a few days before my business trip, and it was the first time I felt uncomfortable traveling alone.

[Anonymous]

We’ve been dealing with a cancer scare with our 6 month old son over the past month. Things are pointing much more positive than they were initially, but it has still been the hardest and most anxiety-filled month of my life.

We’re in survival mode and I feel like I’m not doing anything up to my normal abilities (i.e. work, or even something as simple as getting laundry folded). I’m trying to give myself grace, but this is all really freaking hard.

[Anonymous]

I'm trying really hard to stop drinking. I'm a grey area drinker. No rock bottoms. High functioning in all areas. So tired of being sick and tired.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm trying really hard to stop drinking. I'm a grey area drinker. No rock bottoms. High functioning in all areas. So tired of being sick and tired.

One day at a time my friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm trying really hard to stop drinking. I'm a grey area drinker. No rock bottoms. High functioning in all areas. So tired of being sick and tired.

One day at a time my friend.

Single parent poster above. I’m easing up on drinking. Small wine tasting today for thanksgiving stuff, nothing crazy. Haven’t had a drink since last weekend (only drink on weekends), will drink on thanksgiving and take a break until Xmas. I find these small groupings are easier tools for cutting back. Maybe eventually I’ll quit altogether, but I also just love a good food & wine pairing. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm trying really hard to stop drinking. I'm a grey area drinker. No rock bottoms. High functioning in all areas. So tired of being sick and tired.

You can do it! I believe in you. One day at a time, one foot in front of the other. Keep going. Don't quit.

[Anonymous]

Deep loneliness.

Extremely unfulfilling job.

Nearly empty nest.

No competent medical care to address ongoing medical issue.

[Anonymous]

Learning to acclimate to this new DCUM website layout. I tried for two weeks when it first rolled out and couldn't navigate it easily. Now trying again. Still haven't gotten used to it. Still hate it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can't seem to clear out our bedroom closet and use it just for clothes.

I get it. There are clothes and shoes all over the floor of my closet to the point where I don't like looking in my closet now. It's stressful. A daily reminder of how I don't have it together, and that affects my self esteem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I visited Florida for the first time last week and felt deeply unhappy and lonely there. I'm an immigrant from Europe and always felt fine in DC and other states I've visited, but FL was inexplicably depressive.

I wonder why. FL actually has a pretty large immigrant population, including of European heritages. So it can't be that.

Maybe because I expected the vibe to be somewhat similar to Charleston, which I really like. But there was nothing similar. I traveled solo because I took a few days before my business trip, and it was the first time I felt uncomfortable traveling alone.

NP. I think I get it; I have traveled to FL multiple times and never felt comfortable there. And a couple of times I've hated it. FL is a very different place, culturally speaking, from everywhere else in the US.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:25 year marriage is millimeters from falling over the rail.
Expenses are skyrocketing and income has never been lower.
Assets are not selling.
There’s a pressure in my chest that will occasionally radiate into my left arm.
I have a molar that needs to come out and I can’t afford to do so.

Please get an EKG and a cardiac stress test.