Parents- nix these behaviors in your kids before they go to college

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dear Prof,

I have been working on these and other skills for years with my ADHD/ASD kid.

He will mess up, despite being explicitly taught these things. He's in contact with the disability office and has already asked you for his extended time.

He had high stats and is an academic, intellectual person, which is why your place of employment accepted him. Sorry, but he's always going to be an absent-minded professor type, and his brain is somewhere in the vicinity of Pluto most of the time.

And you know who it hurts most? Not you. HIM. He is destined to go through life with ADHD and ASD and all his social quirks. You've only got to suffer him for your class. He has to suffer himself for life.

Best regards,

Mom.

Oh FFS stop using their disabilities like a crutch. The professor is right and if your poor addled ADHD kids you have probably hovered over and made excuses for and bulldozed a path for over the years can’t meet basic expectations, you failed them.

dp.. obviously, people with ADHD have a harder time, but seriously, you cannot keep using this crutch into the workplace. Your boss won't care that you miss deadlines, and your coworkers won't care if you have adhd when you smell so badly no one wants to be in the conference room with you.

I often wonder what the plan is for all these SNs college grads. Do you steer them into becoming a CPA or actuary or computer programmer, etc. where they perhaps don't have to interact much with clients/customers? I mean the descriptions seem to indicate they have real problems functioning in the world.

A lot of them become academics actually. Please stop wondering about our children since it has no impact on you.

Huh...the SNs kids that have trouble functioning in college become academics. Strange why the various parents seem to claim OP is targeting them.

You know, because they are actually smart and a lot of the shit that OP mentioned really doesn't matter.

You are impressively wrong.

Shh. Let them believe it doesn't matter. Less competition for the well-adjusted young adults!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The post answers speak for themselves: for the parents who can sympathize with the professor--good for you. He's not complaining about your kids. For the parents who are all defensive and think that the professor is off base--take a minute. It's your kids he's talking about. Just saying.

Thank you. End of thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Professors are exhausting.

Sorry you have to teach in addition to your research nobody will ever read.

If they need to learn something, guess what.., you’re a teacher, teach them.

I think professors should have to work in the real world instead of being in their lame academia bubble.

If your kid needs to learn something that’s a life skill and not part of the content of the professor’s class, guess what? You’re a parent. Parent them. Preferably LONG before they go to college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Exactly how does a parent “help”
a stinky college kid take a shower?

Use your brain a little. Try it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Exactly how does a parent “help”
a stinky college kid take a shower?

It’s too late now. But it would have been nice to teach a little hygiene when you were teaching other basic human skills like don’t steal & say “thank you.”

+1,000,000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The replies to this thread pretty much prove OP's point. Parents making excuses for their kids, getting defensive, trying to flip it back on the prof for being entitled or jaded. There will always be college students who don't take things seriously, are lazy, or who have unique challenges that make it difficult for them in certain respects, but those students should be the outliers rather than the norm.

Exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Professors are exhausting.

Sorry you have to teach in addition to your research nobody will ever read.

If they need to learn something, guess what.., you’re a teacher, teach them.

I think professors should have to work in the real world instead of being in their lame academia bubble.

If professors took the time to talk to every student about every breach of common courtesy/common sense, they would have no time left for doing what they're being paid to do.

Maybe there ought to be a remedial one-credit 'how to be a college student' class that college instructors can mandate for students who consistently show that they don't have the skills they need.

Sorry the job is hard, they can always dig ditches, that's so much easier. FFS. Are you kidding me. It's an f'ing email. Did you understand the context, move on. Again professors are so exhausting. We really need to hire teachers for college I am so sick of these full of themselves blow hard "researchers" who never learned how to teach or to live in the real world. We pay them all this money, they do a 1/2 arsed job at teaching and conduct "research" nobody cares about.

Tell me again how the students are the problem.

You sound like a foot stomping adolescent.

[Anonymous]

Instead of parents, I think a lot of this is lax discipline in K-12. Seems like you can retake tests for any made up reason and there are no consequences for anything.

[Anonymous]

+1. Another professor (and by no means a boomer) can confirm that all of OP’s concerns are behaviors I’ve seen at top 25 publics and less commonly at a top SLAC on the east coast. Some professors genuinely aren’t interested in teaching, and that is a problem. But I think the general frustration is that, like high school teachers, we are increasingly expected to be experts in our fields, therapists, social workers, life coaches, and friends to adults who should show a higher lev of maturity or accountability. I’m not talking about students who have special needs accommodations or the ones with multiple jobs or family commitments. Those are usually the ones who are most proactive about getting work done.

[Anonymous]

I’m not talking about students who have special needs accommodations or the ones with multiple jobs or family commitments. Those are usually the ones who are most proactive about getting work done.

Agree. I’ve been teaching at colleges for 30 years, & often the special needs students are the smartest, most respectful, & most responsible students in the class. Nobody is saying they are the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I’m not talking about students who have special needs accommodations or the ones with multiple jobs or family commitments. Those are usually the ones who are most proactive about getting work done.

Agree. I’ve been teaching at colleges for 30 years, & often the special needs students are the smartest, most respectful, & most responsible students in the class. Nobody is saying they are the problem.

Can't agree more. As for the other (non SN) students, we get that they are still maturing and figuring it out. But we are not their parents, friends, life coaches, or therapists - there has to be a limit. The point OP is trying to make is that a student's honest effort at respect, professionalism, and acknowledging their own responsibility, even if imperfectly conveyed, is an appropriate expectation in college-level classes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. Everyone is talking past each other. OP’s points are valid and valuable, and an important reminder — perhaps *especially* to those of us (waves hand) with neurodivergent kids.

It’s too bad that OP layered on top of these meaningful insights subjective judgments and broad generalizations, like all-caps “LAZINESS” and statements like “these kids are clearly being raised without consequences.” It’s these things, not the underlying points, that invited people to say “actually, it can be more complicated than mere parental neglect and child laziness.”

The skills are essential. And also, it can be more complicated. Both things are true. What would be most useful would be tips for helping kids get there — especially from parents whose kids took longer than peers to gain the skills.

That's well said. I also think this thread (and many others) highlights the contradictory messaging and expectations for parents that are undermining healthy parenting and our kids' development. On the one hand, parents are blamed for helicoptering. We should step back and let our kids fail. On the other hand, when they fail, we are continually reminded that their failure is a reflection of our poor parenting. Don't derive your self-worth from your kids' successes, but also, you failed if your kid isn't perfect. Which is it? If we are to blame for them not showering once they are off to college, why wouldn't a professor be surprised when a parent contacts them?

I say this as a parent of a kid who is as much of a rule-follower as you can get, who easily fell into that state with little oversight from me. I have another kid who is the opposite and will likely wind up in therapy because my ceaseless efforts to force him to do what came easily to his sibling are interpreted as a lack of faith and belief in him.

Yes. God. So well said.

What do you expect though? Contradictory messaging comes from there being many people with many different viewpoints--there's no universal truths for complex things like parenting or college education. As an adult, you listen to the range, decide what to follow/what makes sense with your particular situation, accept the consequences if you choose not to heed or had circumstances beyond your control. Also important to note where you feel defensive--usually it's an indicator of something you need to look at further--either because you are personalizing the critique too much, wanting to control something you can't, or needing to work more at something.

[Anonymous]

Some of the defensive parents are downright embarrassing themselves with the stupid shit they’re posting. SMH and your poor kids.

[Anonymous]

"For god's sakes teach them how to do laundry and have basic pride in their personal cleanliness. I can't tell you how many times some kid walks into my office stinking to high heaven and wearing clothes that look like they haven't been washed for weeks. Now I would normally think perhaps they struggle financially but when they whip out their iphone 14 or 15 and talk to with me airpods in, it makes me think they probably can afford to do laundry. They just don't and/or they don't know how."

As a parent of a child who has struggled mightily with depression since they started college, please know that lack of personal hygiene is often sign of a mental health issue. As a parent, I implore you to ask these students if they are okay and, if necessary, help them reach out to mental health services (simply telling them such services are available is of no use to a young person struggling with severe depression).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I’m not talking about students who have special needs accommodations or the ones with multiple jobs or family commitments. Those are usually the ones who are most proactive about getting work done.

Agree. I’ve been teaching at colleges for 30 years, & often the special needs students are the smartest, most respectful, & most responsible students in the class. Nobody is saying they are the problem.

Can't agree more. As for the other (non SN) students, we get that they are still maturing and figuring it out. But we are not their parents, friends, life coaches, or therapists - there has to be a limit. The point OP is trying to make is that a student's honest effort at respect, professionalism, and acknowledging their own responsibility, even if imperfectly conveyed, is an appropriate expectation in college-level classes.

The question I haven't seen asked yet is what all these parents would think/say/do about someone entering THEIR workplace and stinking to high heaven or talking to colleagues while continuing to listen to a song or taking a phone call in the middle of a meeting or asking them 'Yo, bro, will I be expected to know all that stuff from our last meeting when I meet with clients?' These basic, common-sense things should be learned well before they enter college.