I think I’m going to have to contact my husband’s affair partner

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What would she get? He dropped her the minute I discovered it and has been completely no contact, doing everything he can to show remorse, work on marriage, etc. this is for me…

You would be giving her great satisfaction. It would show all is not well in your home or with you.

Please talk to a therapist instead.

There is no way you will not regret reaching out to her.

Stick to the high road.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What would she get? He dropped her the minute I discovered it and has been completely no contact, doing everything he can to show remorse, work on marriage, etc. this is for me…

You would be giving her great satisfaction. It would show all is not well in your home or with you.

Please talk to a therapist instead.

There is no way you will not regret reaching out to her.

Stick to the high road.

My therapist recommended it. (No OP)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you must contact her, share the name of a good therapist or self-esteem coach and tell her the person really helped heal a single friend whose life was a mess. That would be savage.

Yes, please say this as the wife that took back her chaeting husband... to the person he cheated on her with.

As a former AP, I would laugh my hot a$$ off if one of you crusty old wives said something like that to me. Savage, indeed.

Oh dear. Sorry about your terminally low self-esteem, but sadly, your act here isn’t fooling anyone with a brain.

It always surprises me how 0W always try to exude hubris, but they really don’t even see how damaged and pathetic they are.

I’ve had a couple friends who are OWs. They act like they’re all bad and strong and in control one or just a complete effing mess.

Daddy issues are a real thing.

And obsessing, obsessing over the wife and if he’ll leave and hanging on waiting for a random text to come through. A complete roller coaster that they have a histrionic need for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This will be bad karma for you.

Focus on what you want in your life. Let her live her life. You trying to mess with her in any way just means that you feel weak inside and hurt. You need to deal with those feelings in a healthy way. Confronting her doesn’t take away those feelings. It’s an illusion. It actually feeds your hurt and is a way of keeping you tied to this whole mess instead of becoming free of it.

I get that you’ve been traumatized and feel that something outside of your choice happened to you. I think that now you have choices, and if you choose to keep being controlled by this and letting it have power over you, you’re going to end up in a victim position and that will not lead you to a better life.

Karma doesn’t exist. It’s something people tell themselves to believe that people by whom they feel wronged will “get theirs.” Nope. Sorry.

not OP

This has not been my experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is one of those things that is a Rohschacht test for how we view our place in the world. I can't understand the advice about not giving her the attention or satisfaction because I don't view life, or other people's attention, like a contest to be won. We're all connected, and our actions impact others. Being given the opportunity to make amends to someone you've harmed is a gift, not some kind of middle school faux paus. If the OW can understand this, then she will respond to the humanity in OP's message. If she can't, then her lack of emotional maturity is its own punishment, and however she lashes out from that is a nothingburger to someone at peace with herself.

Of course, there's an inverse relationship between emotional maturity and getting involved in an affair, so the OP needs to keep expectations for an appropriate response very low. If she still wants to proceed because speaking her truth matters to her, that's totally fine. Not acting out of fear of earning the derision of someone who clearly lacks good judgment is silly.

I would not give her the gift of making amends.
And it's more likely that she has no sense of having done wrong and will double down on the affair being justified or whatever.

It is absolutely better to treat her as a nothing burger.

OP is much better off writing a letter and burning it.

- Not OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is the OP going to chase down all of her husband's affair partners? Because this particular mistress probably wasn't the first and definitely won't be the last. The marriage is clearly lacking if he's screwing around on her. The "remorse" that he's showing will wear off and he'll be back on the apps looking for strange once he thinks the coast is clear. *shrug*

It is the dh who is lacking character by cheating. Op has abided his cheating and he will never leave her. It's not an ideal relationship to many of us, but it is a strong one. I couldn't stay with a cheater, but I was raised by a cheating father and a mother who put up with it. Their marriage lasted through cheating. Eventually, my dad settled down and my mom enjoyed 30 more years without him cheating. They died 3 months apart, having been married 50 years.

So if you were raised by a cheating father, how did you avoid picking a cheater? Did you get married at all?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is one of those things that is a Rohschacht test for how we view our place in the world. I can't understand the advice about not giving her the attention or satisfaction because I don't view life, or other people's attention, like a contest to be won. We're all connected, and our actions impact others. Being given the opportunity to make amends to someone you've harmed is a gift, not some kind of middle school faux paus. If the OW can understand this, then she will respond to the humanity in OP's message. If she can't, then her lack of emotional maturity is its own punishment, and however she lashes out from that is a nothingburger to someone at peace with herself.

Of course, there's an inverse relationship between emotional maturity and getting involved in an affair, so the OP needs to keep expectations for an appropriate response very low. If she still wants to proceed because speaking her truth matters to her, that's totally fine. Not acting out of fear of earning the derision of someone who clearly lacks good judgment is silly.

I would not give her the gift of making amends.
And it's more likely that she has no sense of having done wrong and will double down on the affair being justified or whatever.

It is absolutely better to treat her as a nothing burger.

OP is much better off writing a letter and burning it.

- Not OP

+1 these women that engage in this behavior are not going to offer an apology or Rheinland they did anything wrong. They will be nasty. They are justified and blameless and live in a fantasy that this some Romeo & Juliet situation. I would not go in expecting “rational dialog”, they are almost all invariably suffering from some mental illness or for Dr trauma.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man these threads fire up the OW/APs out there.

Yes they do, the only thing better is reading their posts over Xmas when they are so sad and bitter their soul mate is with his wife and not answering her texts.

You spend your “happy family” Christmas day … reading DCUM posts of APs to take pleasure in their (imagined) sadness?

Wow, your cheating DH seriously screwed up your head. Good luck with that.

My husband doesn’t have an affair partner. And yes, sometimes I grab my phone and look at DCUM the two weeks I have off of Christmas. And the amount of.OW on this site during that time it’s freaking insane.

Don’t even get me started about New Year’s.

Super weird thing to be so intently focused on for someone whose husband doesn’t have an AP!

I’m sure plenty of happily married people with no experience involving affairs not only are *aware* of this rampant, holiday-season, pathetic-OW DCUM posting phenomenon, but annually return to this treasure trove of misery posts to read them with glee over their Christmas morning coffee. Then again on NYE.

AKA stop telling on yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you must contact her, share the name of a good therapist or self-esteem coach and tell her the person really helped heal a single friend whose life was a mess. That would be savage.

Yes, please say this as the wife that took back her chaeting husband... to the person he cheated on her with.

As a former AP, I would laugh my hot a$$ off if one of you crusty old wives said something like that to me. Savage, indeed.

Oh dear. Sorry about your terminally low self-esteem, but sadly, your act here isn’t fooling anyone with a brain.

It always surprises me how 0W always try to exude hubris, but they really don’t even see how damaged and pathetic they are.

I’ve had a couple friends who are OWs. They act like they’re all bad and strong and in control one or just a complete effing mess.

Daddy issues are a real thing.

And obsessing, obsessing over the wife and if he’ll leave and hanging on waiting for a random text to come through. A complete roller coaster that they have a histrionic need for.

It’s a cortisol addiction and they don’t know why they do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you must contact her, share the name of a good therapist or self-esteem coach and tell her the person really helped heal a single friend whose life was a mess. That would be savage.

Yes, please say this as the wife that took back her chaeting husband... to the person he cheated on her with.

As a former AP, I would laugh my hot a$$ off if one of you crusty old wives said something like that to me. Savage, indeed.

Oh dear. Sorry about your terminally low self-esteem, but sadly, your act here isn’t fooling anyone with a brain.

It always surprises me how 0W always try to exude hubris, but they really don’t even see how damaged and pathetic they are.

I’ve had a couple friends who are OWs. They act like they’re all bad and strong and in control one or just a complete effing mess.

Daddy issues are a real thing.

And obsessing, obsessing over the wife and if he’ll leave and hanging on waiting for a random text to come through. A complete roller coaster that they have a histrionic need for.

It’s a cortisol addiction and they don’t know why they do it.

Dopamine addiction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man these threads fire up the OW/APs out there.

Yes they do, the only thing better is reading their posts over Xmas when they are so sad and bitter their soul mate is with his wife and not answering her texts.

You spend your “happy family” Christmas day … reading DCUM posts of APs to take pleasure in their (imagined) sadness?

Wow, your cheating DH seriously screwed up your head. Good luck with that.

My husband doesn’t have an affair partner. And yes, sometimes I grab my phone and look at DCUM the two weeks I have off of Christmas. And the amount of.OW on this site during that time it’s freaking insane.

Don’t even get me started about New Year’s.

Super weird thing to be so intently focused on for someone whose husband doesn’t have an AP!

I’m sure plenty of happily married people with no experience involving affairs not only are *aware* of this rampant, holiday-season, pathetic-OW DCUM posting phenomenon, but annually return to this treasure trove of misery posts to read them with glee over their Christmas morning coffee. Then again on NYE.

AKA stop telling on yourself.

I do have 3 good friends who blew up
Their lives being an OW. It’s amazing to watch people spiral their lives out of control.

I don’t think it’s super weird to wonder why these women self destruct so badly.

I don’t “return annually” but I do notice the uptick of crazy.

OTOH, if you’ve never been an OW you seem very intent on framing my amazement in people throwing their lives away as some deviant voyeurism. Methinks YOU protest too much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you must contact her, share the name of a good therapist or self-esteem coach and tell her the person really helped heal a single friend whose life was a mess. That would be savage.

Yes, please say this as the wife that took back her chaeting husband... to the person he cheated on her with.

As a former AP, I would laugh my hot a$$ off if one of you crusty old wives said something like that to me. Savage, indeed.

Oh dear. Sorry about your terminally low self-esteem, but sadly, your act here isn’t fooling anyone with a brain.

It always surprises me how 0W always try to exude hubris, but they really don’t even see how damaged and pathetic they are.

I’ve had a couple friends who are OWs. They act like they’re all bad and strong and in control one or just a complete effing mess.

Daddy issues are a real thing.

And obsessing, obsessing over the wife and if he’ll leave and hanging on waiting for a random text to come through. A complete roller coaster that they have a histrionic need for.

It’s a cortisol addiction and they don’t know why they do it.

Dopamine addiction.

Could be… but abused children get dumps of cortisol when they are being abused. Cortisol is a calming hormone.

People become addicted to Cortisol and when they are calm and happy, they don’t get cortisol and that makes them feel anxious. So they pick a fight or do something to cause cortisol to dump.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you must contact her, share the name of a good therapist or self-esteem coach and tell her the person really helped heal a single friend whose life was a mess. That would be savage.

Yes, please say this as the wife that took back her chaeting husband... to the person he cheated on her with.

As a former AP, I would laugh my hot a$$ off if one of you crusty old wives said something like that to me. Savage, indeed.

Oh dear. Sorry about your terminally low self-esteem, but sadly, your act here isn’t fooling anyone with a brain.

It always surprises me how 0W always try to exude hubris, but they really don’t even see how damaged and pathetic they are.

I’ve had a couple friends who are OWs. They act like they’re all bad and strong and in control one or just a complete effing mess.

Daddy issues are a real thing.

And obsessing, obsessing over the wife and if he’ll leave and hanging on waiting for a random text to come through. A complete roller coaster that they have a histrionic need for.

It’s a cortisol addiction and they don’t know why they do it.

Dopamine addiction.

Could be… but abused children get dumps of cortisol when they are being abused. Cortisol is a calming hormone.

People become addicted to Cortisol and when they are calm and happy, they don’t get cortisol and that makes them feel anxious. So they pick a fight or do something to cause cortisol to dump.

It’s a trauma response leftover from childhood. This was my spouse. He grew up in a volatile household with a cheating alcoholic father and some violent episodes (police called) when he was younger. Mom was fairly selfish and self-absorbed.

What I learned is that holidays are triggers because for families like that they usually were a source of fighting/drinking, etc. That kids raised this way feel out of place when everything is calm and going well—they equate love to strife and drama. They need instability. This is why they will go out and do stupid things looking for that drama.

They will often choose stable healthy life partners and the family they wished they had, but without therapy they will mess up as they have kids of their own- particularly when kids reach the age they were at height of trauma/divorce, etc.

[Anonymous]

^ meant to say I agree with the pp I quoted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you must contact her, share the name of a good therapist or self-esteem coach and tell her the person really helped heal a single friend whose life was a mess. That would be savage.

Yes, please say this as the wife that took back her chaeting husband... to the person he cheated on her with.

As a former AP, I would laugh my hot a$$ off if one of you crusty old wives said something like that to me. Savage, indeed.

Oh dear. Sorry about your terminally low self-esteem, but sadly, your act here isn’t fooling anyone with a brain.

It always surprises me how 0W always try to exude hubris, but they really don’t even see how damaged and pathetic they are.

I’ve had a couple friends who are OWs. They act like they’re all bad and strong and in control one or just a complete effing mess.

Daddy issues are a real thing.

And obsessing, obsessing over the wife and if he’ll leave and hanging on waiting for a random text to come through. A complete roller coaster that they have a histrionic need for.

It’s a cortisol addiction and they don’t know why they do it.

Dopamine addiction.

Could be… but abused children get dumps of cortisol when they are being abused. Cortisol is a calming hormone.

People become addicted to Cortisol and when they are calm and happy, they don’t get cortisol and that makes them feel anxious. So they pick a fight or do something to cause cortisol to dump.

It’s a trauma response leftover from childhood. This was my spouse. He grew up in a volatile household with a cheating alcoholic father and some violent episodes (police called) when he was younger. Mom was fairly selfish and self-absorbed.

What I learned is that holidays are triggers because for families like that they usually were a source of fighting/drinking, etc. That kids raised this way feel out of place when everything is calm and going well—they equate love to strife and drama. They need instability. This is why they will go out and do stupid things looking for that drama.

They will often choose stable healthy life partners and the family they wished they had, but without therapy they will mess up as they have kids of their own- particularly when kids reach the age they were at height of trauma/divorce, etc.

This is a much better explanation than mine. Thanks for sharing maybe an AP will read it and realize they need help.