Husband’s Announcement

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has been asking me for the past year to move to a new state. We have 2 elementary school aged children, we have an established life where we are socially, and we both have great jobs. I like where we are and the life we have here. He wants to move to a more conservative area where we don’t know anyone and neither of us have a job. I have zero interest in moving. He announced during dinner last night that he is planning on going by himself to get set up and the kids and I can follow him soon after. This is the first time it has hit me that this might just be the end of our marriage. I know I need to find a lawyer, but what sort of legal advice should I be considering to keep my house and full custody of my kids? Wouldn’t his leaving be abandonment? What sorts of things should I be documenting?

How do you figure this will be happening?

Thank you family law attorney. How do people figure this *won't* be happening? Kids may go see Dad for summers but if dude up and moves to Kansas or Ohio or wherever he thinks he can escape pronoun discussions (fewer places every day), the law doesn't say well gee kids, better pack.

Breadwinner or not, people don't get to uniformly upend their family's life because they go MAGA in middle age, ethically or legally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My father did this to my mother when I was 8 years old. Announced we were moving across country but at least he was taking a job with another branch of his then employer. In our case it meant leaving all the family we were close to and very close best friends that I and my brother had throughout our early childhood. We also left the best schools in the country and moved to some of the worst, in the bottom five. My brother and I who were both gifted students spent the remaining years of our public schooling being unchallenged and thus underperforming.

I know that sometimes people have to move, but I think it really sucks to move kids around in childhood without very compelling reasons. Childhood is a challenging journey as it is, to be uprooted at some point from all you know and love seems unnecessarily cruel unless the family cannot survive without the move - it shouldn’t be just on a parent’s whim.

Your mother should not have agreed. It was on both your parents.

Mothers didn’t have much choice at the time.

In what decade was this?

The 1980s and 1990s for my mom. My dad was the breadwinner. There was no choice. Not that long ago. This was common.

Only if she didn't want to support herself, which yours did not, I guess. Come on. Women have been supporting themselves for decades before that.

A woman without education or work experience would have a hard time supporting herself and small children regardless of the decade. A SAHM in the 80s probably didn’t have a college degree.

Actually there was a pretty good chance they did. Lots of women had degrees in the 80s. Even sahms.

Don't be obtuse. There is still no comparison between the life a SAHM mom in the 80s would have for herself and her kids, on her one income after SAHM, vs with a husband supporting them all. Then or now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has been asking me for the past year to move to a new state. We have 2 elementary school aged children, we have an established life where we are socially, and we both have great jobs. I like where we are and the life we have here. He wants to move to a more conservative area where we don’t know anyone and neither of us have a job. I have zero interest in moving. He announced during dinner last night that he is planning on going by himself to get set up and the kids and I can follow him soon after. This is the first time it has hit me that this might just be the end of our marriage. I know I need to find a lawyer, but what sort of legal advice should I be considering to keep my house and full custody of my kids? Wouldn’t his leaving be abandonment? What sorts of things should I be documenting?

Yes his leaving is abandonment if you don’t keep having sex with him. But don’t worry, soon he will be having sex with someone else. His leaving won’t affect much except custody. You’d still have to buy him out of half the house and split assets. The kids would live with you during the school year and see him for all or half of summer and school vacations. Prepare for them to ask you why you didn’t follow him when he moved. Then later for the boy to ask to live with dad and his new wife and kids, since you are working all the time to pay for your new solo life anyway.

Hi, MRA troll! Glad to see you’re still so terrible at writing baseless fanfiction!

I’m a woman actually.

Neat. Irrelevant, but neat. There are women in the MRA movement, pathetically enough.

Its' not MRA to point out the legal situation and what will actually occur.

[Anonymous]

Only if she didn't want to support herself, which yours did not, I guess. Come on. Women have been supporting themselves for decades before that.

A woman without education or work experience would have a hard time supporting herself and small children regardless of the decade. A SAHM in the 80s probably didn’t have a college degree.

Actually there was a pretty good chance they did. Lots of women had degrees in the 80s. Even sahms.

Only DCUM will reach all the way back to the 80's to blame the mom!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- he wants to move to a more conservative area because of the influence on our kids. We do not have jobs there- he wants to just move and then find jobs once we get there. Our professional experiences don’t easily translate to areas outside DC. I told him if he finds a job where he makes the combination of his and my current salary then I would go. But I’m not just leaving a life and job here without something specific to go to in hopes of finding something.

As our country becomes more divided regarding political & social beliefs, the desire to move to a location where folks are more aligned with certain beliefs probably will become more common.

I am polite and respectful toward others so most tend to think that I agree with their political & social views. Sometimes I am shocked by the comments that neighbors tell me in confidence about others who do not agree with their views. The intensity & content of the comments are disturbing--regardless of whether they are liberal or conservative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- I don’t think he’s having an affair but I do agree with the midlife crisis idea. Yes, he wants to just up and move without a job there and without knowing anyone. This is all about him wanting to be in a red state rather than navigating his political views where we currently live. Yes, I can afford to maintain our lifestyle without his help, but it sure would be nice to have a partner in the future. I will research the divorce laws. What kind of man would just up and move and expect his wife and kids to follow? And logistically, he would expect me to do all the packing, sell the house, etc.

The fact that he is a republican would be enough for me to run!!!

[Anonymous]

It's not in the children's best interest to leave their mother, school, friends, and neighborhood to go live with their unemployed father in the middle of nowhere. OP's husband needs a psych eval.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:


Former family law attorney here: Under uniform child custody laws which govern in nearly all US jurisdictions, the relocating parent rarely gets custody over objection of the parent staying in the child’s home jurisdiction. The child’s home jurisdiction is presumed to be the place the child has resided for the previous six months or longer. The family court always looks to the context in which the child is currently being raised for the purposes of evaluating best interests and where the most extensive supports exist for the child to rely on during the difficult adjustment process post-divorce, which is a trauma for children. Finally, many times one parent is able to keep the family home by combining their income with their child support in order to maintain payments so it isn’t out of the realm of possibility but it certainly matters how much they are overextended in the area of housing costs as percentage of household budget.

OP, please do consult with a family lawyer ASAP to get concrete answers to your many questions from someone practicing in your jurisdiction who can help you understand your options and likely outcomes of a custody battle with your spouse.


I’ve been through this and I see no way that he relocates unilaterally without the children and wins a custody battle. It only works for him if he gets her to relocate and the files, or if he doesn’t want custody which it sounds like he won’t. He is playing hardball and her only decision is whether she wants life with him in the new place, life with him in the new place divorced, or life where she is divorced. This is not an easy place to raise kids on one income.

Question for family law poster above---do you think that the increasing political divisions will result in family court judges in red states ruling differently, and in favor of the relocating parent, by claiming that the parent choosing to remain in the blue/purple area IS harming their children? The far right has gone authoritarian by claiming that they, and only they, know what is best for women and families---so it would not surprise me to see a conservative judge in those areas rule in favor of whichever parent most closely aligns with the judge's own political beliefs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:


Former family law attorney here: Under uniform child custody laws which govern in nearly all US jurisdictions, the relocating parent rarely gets custody over objection of the parent staying in the child’s home jurisdiction. The child’s home jurisdiction is presumed to be the place the child has resided for the previous six months or longer. The family court always looks to the context in which the child is currently being raised for the purposes of evaluating best interests and where the most extensive supports exist for the child to rely on during the difficult adjustment process post-divorce, which is a trauma for children. Finally, many times one parent is able to keep the family home by combining their income with their child support in order to maintain payments so it isn’t out of the realm of possibility but it certainly matters how much they are overextended in the area of housing costs as percentage of household budget.

OP, please do consult with a family lawyer ASAP to get concrete answers to your many questions from someone practicing in your jurisdiction who can help you understand your options and likely outcomes of a custody battle with your spouse.


I’ve been through this and I see no way that he relocates unilaterally without the children and wins a custody battle. It only works for him if he gets her to relocate and the files, or if he doesn’t want custody which it sounds like he won’t. He is playing hardball and her only decision is whether she wants life with him in the new place, life with him in the new place divorced, or life where she is divorced. This is not an easy place to raise kids on one income.

Question for family law poster above---do you think that the increasing political divisions will result in family court judges in red states ruling differently, and in favor of the relocating parent, by claiming that the parent choosing to remain in the blue/purple area IS harming their children? The far right has gone authoritarian by claiming that they, and only they, know what is best for women and families---so it would not surprise me to see a conservative judge in those areas rule in favor of whichever parent most closely aligns with the judge's own political beliefs.

Nothing would surprise me, I have seen absurdity handed down from the family law bench on more than one occasion. A lot of judges are men and while we would like to thing the court is an unbiased forum for all to be heard fairly anyone whose ever actually litigated in family and criminal and civil courts in this country knows that there are real failings and some of them are because too many judges are guided by personal bias.

Didn’t some judge in rural Virginia or someplace near to there just actively assist a military officer in stealing a baby from an Afghan refugee family, after all? I see stuff like that and while it enrages me it doesn’t surprise me given how much ignorance I’ve seen from the bench. Other people are horrified and think it must be an anomaly. America’s courts -!especially in rural America - are not all that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- he wants to move to a more conservative area because of the influence on our kids. We do not have jobs there- he wants to just move and then find jobs once we get there. Our professional experiences don’t easily translate to areas outside DC. I told him if he finds a job where he makes the combination of his and my current salary then I would go. But I’m not just leaving a life and job here without something specific to go to in hopes of finding something.

As our country becomes more divided regarding political & social beliefs, the desire to move to a location where folks are more aligned with certain beliefs probably will become more common.

I am polite and respectful toward others so most tend to think that I agree with their political & social views. Sometimes I am shocked by the comments that neighbors tell me in confidence about others who do not agree with their views. The intensity & content of the comments are disturbing--regardless of whether they are liberal or conservative.

I'm with you. I had a PTA lady tell me they weren't allowing a mom to volunteer because she had right-wing stuff on her facebook page. They "lost her info" oopsie! She was telling me this as if I were supposed to smile and agree "Good for you for sticking it to those Trumpers!" but I just felt sick. I can't imagine that happening when I was a kid and my Republican mom volunteered at the school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- I don’t think he’s having an affair but I do agree with the midlife crisis idea. Yes, he wants to just up and move without a job there and without knowing anyone. This is all about him wanting to be in a red state rather than navigating his political views where we currently live. Yes, I can afford to maintain our lifestyle without his help, but it sure would be nice to have a partner in the future. I will research the divorce laws. What kind of man would just up and move and expect his wife and kids to follow? And logistically, he would expect me to do all the packing, sell the house, etc.

I'm calling troll.

He is conservative. Of course he expects a subservient and cooperative wife. He is most likely having a midlife crisis but may also be getting some of his ideas from conservative media and men’s rights type crap.

I'm a conservative. I don't have, or expect, a subservient wife. I have many conservative guy friends, and none of them has, or expects, a subservient wife.

Of course, you don't know any actual conservatives, you're simply lashing out against the stupid caricature of conservatives that you have been indoctrinated to believe in uncritically.

I agree. I am a staunch democrat (more of a classic liberal than a progressive), and most of my best friends of 30+ years are varying shades of conservative. A grand total of none of them have "subservient" wives, and thinking about those women as subservient to anyone or anything is hilarious.

Of course, they are successful professionals, who are secure in themselves. The notion that all conservatives are so-called alpha males who require women to kowtow to them is just a trope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should move. It’s your marriage vow.

You vowed to support all of your husbands stupid ideas and just do as you are told? Wow. Never heard that one before.

Where you go I will go.

And he’s obviously been considering it for a year.

Words spoken by a DIL to a MIL.

If people choose to take it out of context and use it for their marriage vows, that's on them.

What about
"5And God said, ‘So a man will leave his father and mother and be united with his wife, and the two will become one body.’ 6So there are not two, but one. God has joined the two together, so no one should separate them.”

What he is going is wrong Biblically. Come at me, Bible poster. I read it too.

Ily. You’re my favorite poster this year.

+1. Shades of President Bartlett taking down crazy Christian radio host.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok I’m not getting how you DON’T follow your husband. How do you get a divorce over your location? And if it’s really this sudden, which I really don’t think it is and the OP is leaving something major out of her side of the story, then how do you not try to really see what’s going on with him emotionally? OP is hiding something bigger I think that she has not told us.

You get a divorce because you don't want to leave where you live and you aren't going to live with being ordered around.

And so typical, blaming the woman.

That seems like such a trivial reason to divorce.

Being *told* to move and uproot your life, and your children's lives, with no say in the matter, is trivial?

JFC, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok I’m not getting how you DON’T follow your husband. How do you get a divorce over your location? And if it’s really this sudden, which I really don’t think it is and the OP is leaving something major out of her side of the story, then how do you not try to really see what’s going on with him emotionally? OP is hiding something bigger I think that she has not told us.

You get a divorce because you don't want to leave where you live and you aren't going to live with being ordered around.

And so typical, blaming the woman.

That seems like such a trivial reason to divorce.

Being *told* to move and uproot your life, and your children's lives, with no say in the matter, is trivial?

JFC, PP.

Happened to me twice. Happens to military and trailing spouses all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok I’m not getting how you DON’T follow your husband. How do you get a divorce over your location? And if it’s really this sudden, which I really don’t think it is and the OP is leaving something major out of her side of the story, then how do you not try to really see what’s going on with him emotionally? OP is hiding something bigger I think that she has not told us.

You get a divorce because you don't want to leave where you live and you aren't going to live with being ordered around.

And so typical, blaming the woman.

That seems like such a trivial reason to divorce.

Being *told* to move and uproot your life, and your children's lives, with no say in the matter, is trivial?

JFC, PP.

Happened to me twice. Happens to military and trailing spouses all the time.

It does happen when someone loses a job or you sign up for a company that relocates you or relocates themselves, but usually it's done with mutual agreement and on top of it, in this case the guy is moving without a job and has a good job here. It's just a personal reason. In the other cases it's to provide for the family. That is not the case here.