Anyone else here struggle with your feelings about ppl who don’t work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have these sort of involuntary mental reactions to - for example - social media posts from friends whose kids are in school full time but they don’t have a job/ anything they do - and they’re just doing nothing. I work crazy bananas hard and always have - and make a pretty decent salary. At one point I stopped working when the kids were little - but got pretty depressed and went back. Am I just jealous of them? I don’t want to be judgmental so why does my brain do this? I’m sure it is hiding a deeper feeling and my therapist has said I need to figure out what is triggering me

You said you stopped working for a time but got depressed and wanted to go back. Ok. That's you. Many of us are exactly the opposite of you. I was severely depressed while working because I wasn't able to be home with my kids, where I wanted to be. I did eventually quit work to be home with them and my depression lifted almost immediately. Now my kids are older and I could choose to go back to work full-time if I wanted - as it is, I work on a very part-time basis and have lots of free time to myself. However, I'm happy, my husband is happy, and our kids are happy. I have no desire to return to a full-time job - at ALL.

So my advice to you is to live your own life and let others live theirs. And definitely seek therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My feelings are that I am better than them so I don’t struggle with those feelings

Bless your heart. So little introspection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find that people who are secure with their choices don't waste time or energy being concerned about other's choices when it has no effect on them. So no, I don't have any feelings whatsoever about whether other people choose to work when it has nothing to do with me or my family.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I went down a rabbit hole of femininity podcasts and Laura Doyle books. I have had a very high profile career but always struggled with the fact that I was doing a grinding full time job on top of all the SAHM things. My husband does not step up and never will, and it’s very difficult to outsource everything. He earns enough to support us and doesn’t need me to work, and, no, I’m not going to upend our family by divorcing him. I know a lot of women in my situation, though few want to admit that their husbands are domestically useless.

Anyway, Laura Doyle makes the interesting point that “women are not smaller less hairy men”. I really WANT to be there for my kids and do “dumb stuff” like plan their birthdays. My husband WANTS to support our family financially. I’m sorry, I know it’s unacceptable to say (except when anonymous), but there are just some big differences between men and women. I’ve cut back on work because I’m tired of fighting my/his innate instincts regarding what our roles are. Life is easier, the whole household works better. Our culture is denying women the ability to just follow our instincts without shame/guilt.

Yep. Though I find it outrageous that this is "unacceptable to say." Frankly, I have zero qualms about doing what I like to do, which happen to be pretty traditional female roles. My husband enjoys pretty typical male roles. It is what it is. As you said, our whole household works better when we're each doing what we do best - and what we ENJOY doing. I have no interest in trying to mold myself into a role I don't like and am not interested in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are women so quick to judge women rather than a society that doesn't help working mothers thrive? The opt-out is real.

Not everybody in this thread is a woman.

Okay, revised for you. >> Why are women and MEN so quick to judge women rather than a society that doesn't help working mothers thrive? The opt-out is real.

Although TBH a thread about WOHM hating SAHM or *checks notes* believe they are parasites, really isn't inclusive of men.

I'm the one using the term parasite. I'm a man. Keep trying.

WOW! Low earning men or men from LMC/MC dysfunctional families are the only ones who call SAHMs parasites. :puke:

In my experience, most of my high earning friends whose wives are still at home full time after the kids are at school full time, carry some level of resentment. It’s a dirty secret they don’t tell their wives bc no one wants to be the one who ‘forces the woman back to work’ - but it’s a burden that men have carried for - well - ever, and I think many have feelings about it their wives don’t fully realize.
It’s just logical though - if you sah and your dh works full time - beyond early childhood - of course he feels resentful! Why would he not.

Nope. Low class men. So called "high earning friends" are only high earning compared to you.

One of these is an equity partner at a big 4 (so that is big money), one is in m&a, one is fed. I am about between all in salary.
It happens. You just don’t want to think it happens

No, it doesn't. And if it does, it is with the bro kind of White dudes.

Nonsense. An actual high earning man is happy to have his children well cared for, his home in nice condition, and an attractive/fit wife. Whether she works or not in the time remaining isn’t of huge interest. Resentment happens if the house is a mess and the kids are a mess AND she SAHM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are all crazy. You are so quick to judge individuals based on like 4 facts about their lives. This reflects your own limitations and unhappiness, not theirs. Claiming to be worried that they will be in a bad position if they divorce? Girl, please.

Most SAHPs work. They are scrubbing toilets and wiping butts and doing laundry and running errands and making dinner. Even the stuff people complain is "make work" -- some of the school organizing, the decorating and organizing, the trips to Target... every job has some BS make-work in it. You really want to sit there and line your day up with a SAHMs to see which of you is more productive? Y'ALL ARE COMPLAINING ON DCUM IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WORK DAY. Me too. None of us is busting our butts.

Sure, some of them might have wealth from their spouse or their family that enables them to outsource everything and lead lives of leisure. If you were independently wealthy without needing to work... would you go into an office every day and send your little emails and attend your little meetings and deal with the petty beaurocracy in your little organization? Where do you work? Law? Lobbying? Consultant? Insurance industry? I know you aren't nurses and school teachers because if you were, you'd be working not right, not fussing about "lazy parasites" on DCUM.

Your really going to tell me that you would work even if you absolutely didn't have to, and that whatever it is you do is more inherently valuable than taking care of children or a family home.

I'm a working mom and I think you all are self-important and ridiculous. My DH and I joke often about how long it would take us to quit our jobs if we were suddenly wealthy. As long as it takes to communicate my decision to leave to my employer, that's how long. I'm not a jerk, so I'll give you my standard two weeks to "ease the transition." Then I'm taking a year off to relax, then I'm finding some "life purpose" type job that probably doesn't even pay money where I can contribute without having to do all the dump little BS that I do in my money-making job because I need the money.

And you'd all do the same. Some of you wouldn't even go find your life's purpose, you'd just just keep going on vacation. You'd start decorating the house.

You are all full of it! You're just mad because you are working and work isn't that fun and you resent people who don't have to work. The end.

I love this comment so much and I love that the only rebuttal people are giving is "no, I'd stay at my non-rewarding job no matter what!"

This person hits the nail on the head. So good.

+1,000
"Self-important and ridiculous" pretty much sums it up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went down a rabbit hole of femininity podcasts and Laura Doyle books. I have had a very high profile career but always struggled with the fact that I was doing a grinding full time job on top of all the SAHM things. My husband does not step up and never will, and it’s very difficult to outsource everything. He earns enough to support us and doesn’t need me to work, and, no, I’m not going to upend our family by divorcing him. I know a lot of women in my situation, though few want to admit that their husbands are domestically useless.

Anyway, Laura Doyle makes the interesting point that “women are not smaller less hairy men”. I really WANT to be there for my kids and do “dumb stuff” like plan their birthdays. My husband WANTS to support our family financially. I’m sorry, I know it’s unacceptable to say (except when anonymous), but there are just some big differences between men and women. I’ve cut back on work because I’m tired of fighting my/his innate instincts regarding what our roles are. Life is easier, the whole household works better. Our culture is denying women the ability to just follow our instincts without shame/guilt.

Yep. Though I find it outrageous that this is "unacceptable to say." Frankly, I have zero qualms about doing what I like to do, which happen to be pretty traditional female roles. My husband enjoys pretty typical male roles. It is what it is. As you said, our whole household works better when we're each doing what we do best - and what we ENJOY doing. I have no interest in trying to mold myself into a role I don't like and am not interested in.

Somehow, the outlier feminists (women who want to make law firm partner, etc - and there is nothing wrong with that, good for them) have inadvertently made the other 80% of our lives a living hell. Now it’s not enough to care for the kids, be reasonably fit, keep a decent home, etc. Now you are a loser unless you are doing all that AND making partner. And we all wonder why women are miserable and bickering. We have been sold a scammy scam.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are women so quick to judge women rather than a society that doesn't help working mothers thrive? The opt-out is real.

Not everybody in this thread is a woman.

Okay, revised for you. >> Why are women and MEN so quick to judge women rather than a society that doesn't help working mothers thrive? The opt-out is real.

Although TBH a thread about WOHM hating SAHM or *checks notes* believe they are parasites, really isn't inclusive of men.

I'm the one using the term parasite. I'm a man. Keep trying.

WOW! Low earning men or men from LMC/MC dysfunctional families are the only ones who call SAHMs parasites. :puke:

In my experience, most of my high earning friends whose wives are still at home full time after the kids are at school full time, carry some level of resentment. It’s a dirty secret they don’t tell their wives bc no one wants to be the one who ‘forces the woman back to work’ - but it’s a burden that men have carried for - well - ever, and I think many have feelings about it their wives don’t fully realize.
It’s just logical though - if you sah and your dh works full time - beyond early childhood - of course he feels resentful! Why would he not.

Nope. Low class men. So called "high earning friends" are only high earning compared to you.

One of these is an equity partner at a big 4 (so that is big money), one is in m&a, one is fed. I am about between all in salary.
It happens. You just don’t want to think it happens

No, it doesn't. And if it does, it is with the bro kind of White dudes.

It makes a lot more sense that many men might feel resentful that they have to work and that their partner stays home, than makes sense they wouldn’t feel this way. White, bro, Black, Hispanic - whatever. Natural human instinct that deserves to be acknowledged and empathized with

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are women so quick to judge women rather than a society that doesn't help working mothers thrive? The opt-out is real.

Not everybody in this thread is a woman.

Okay, revised for you. >> Why are women and MEN so quick to judge women rather than a society that doesn't help working mothers thrive? The opt-out is real.

Although TBH a thread about WOHM hating SAHM or *checks notes* believe they are parasites, really isn't inclusive of men.

I'm the one using the term parasite. I'm a man. Keep trying.

WOW! Low earning men or men from LMC/MC dysfunctional families are the only ones who call SAHMs parasites. :puke:

In my experience, most of my high earning friends whose wives are still at home full time after the kids are at school full time, carry some level of resentment. It’s a dirty secret they don’t tell their wives bc no one wants to be the one who ‘forces the woman back to work’ - but it’s a burden that men have carried for - well - ever, and I think many have feelings about it their wives don’t fully realize.
It’s just logical though - if you sah and your dh works full time - beyond early childhood - of course he feels resentful! Why would he not.

Nope. Low class men. So called "high earning friends" are only high earning compared to you.

One of these is an equity partner at a big 4 (so that is big money), one is in m&a, one is fed. I am about between all in salary.
It happens. You just don’t want to think it happens

No, it doesn't. And if it does, it is with the bro kind of White dudes.

Nonsense. An actual high earning man is happy to have his children well cared for, his home in nice condition, and an attractive/fit wife. Whether she works or not in the time remaining isn’t of huge interest. Resentment happens if the house is a mess and the kids are a mess AND she SAHM.

???
This is most sexist thing have heard in lifetime

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:maybe trigger is the wrong word for her to use. But as a therapist myself, I might suggest that your reaction could be an indication that you have an unaddressed longing or that you feel dissatisfied with some aspect of your life, but only you can drill down and identify that feeling and the reasons behind the emotion. Some examples: you feel guilty or wonder if you should be spending more time with your kids, or should have spent more time with them. Or maybe you want to be home and with family more. Or don’t want to be home and feel bad about that. Perhaps you’re exhausted and want to dial back. Maybe you have conflicting values, as in you love financial independence and prioritize career success, but you also value leisure and travel and family time, or whatever. Maybe a family member imprinted on you that you should be a huge career success, or that people who stay home are lazy, and now you have some cognitive dissonance and are annoyed that your perception is changing. I personally work and would not do well staying home, but sometimes I wish I wasn’t ambitious because I’m so tired all the time. There are trade offs to everything. But I’m so grateful that others want to be home and be room parents and volunteer for nonprofits and be Girl Scout leaders or whatever, because that stuff is hard and important and benefits my kids and their education, and I don’t want to do that sort of thing. Also, I’d suck at it. Societies function best when everyone brings different skills and interests and temperaments to the table.

Op - you are clearly an amazing therapist bc YES I feel all of those things!
I wanted to want to stay home with the kids on some level - but then that made me really bored and unhappy and huge existential crisis. Also we had to make sacrifices financially (private school/ international travel and we live in nyc so col expensive) I wasn’t willing to make. So I went back to work and have had a couple jobs I looooved and felt like was making difference - but then felt like bad mother and like failed as mother for not enjoying staying home w them. Now have vv high paying job and better w/l balance (in the sense that wfh whenever I want so see kids all the time) but long long stressful days where I still have 8+h zoom and then more work on top of that, doing something I’m not passionate about
Idk what would make me happy - but I do feel like I ‘owe’ it to my kids to work hard and thus feel bad to give up stressful job that is $$$ for other job that would be more fun.
I guess I am envious of the mentality of being willing to leave dollars on the table for the sake of your own happiness. Like - my brain defaults to if your kids are in school why aren’t you using that time to make even more money? (Almost regardless of how much you already have) or at least do something impactful. Bc you should always be ‘striving’ in some way. Like I was brought up not to value ‘leisure’ as a way of life for even a few hours a day. And I actually can parent pretty effectively even w ft job - it just means zero of my own time. So cognitive dissonance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t judge people who don’t work. However I do judge some moms who claim they don’t work for ridiculous reasons like preschool pickups or difficult children. I can’t tell if they deep down really just don’t want to work or if they think preschool pickup is really a good reason. I dislike how their lifestyle enables their husband to not be an equal parent or partner.

I do wish there were more SAHPs of both genders. I don't care about the choice, but do think the bolded tends to be an important consequence.

Right. That works SO well. Enter the haggard overworked mother who comes home to a SAHD who has slimed the kitchen in crumbs & stickiness, watched porn during nap time, and wadded up the laundry. Please. Stop abusing women with this BS.

Gmab, what a ridiculous stereotype. My DH has always been a great partner in every respect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are all crazy. You are so quick to judge individuals based on like 4 facts about their lives. This reflects your own limitations and unhappiness, not theirs. Claiming to be worried that they will be in a bad position if they divorce? Girl, please.

Most SAHPs work. They are scrubbing toilets and wiping butts and doing laundry and running errands and making dinner. Even the stuff people complain is "make work" -- some of the school organizing, the decorating and organizing, the trips to Target... every job has some BS make-work in it. You really want to sit there and line your day up with a SAHMs to see which of you is more productive? Y'ALL ARE COMPLAINING ON DCUM IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WORK DAY. Me too. None of us is busting our butts.

Sure, some of them might have wealth from their spouse or their family that enables them to outsource everything and lead lives of leisure. If you were independently wealthy without needing to work... would you go into an office every day and send your little emails and attend your little meetings and deal with the petty beaurocracy in your little organization? Where do you work? Law? Lobbying? Consultant? Insurance industry? I know you aren't nurses and school teachers because if you were, you'd be working not right, not fussing about "lazy parasites" on DCUM.

Your really going to tell me that you would work even if you absolutely didn't have to, and that whatever it is you do is more inherently valuable than taking care of children or a family home.

I'm a working mom and I think you all are self-important and ridiculous. My DH and I joke often about how long it would take us to quit our jobs if we were suddenly wealthy. As long as it takes to communicate my decision to leave to my employer, that's how long. I'm not a jerk, so I'll give you my standard two weeks to "ease the transition." Then I'm taking a year off to relax, then I'm finding some "life purpose" type job that probably doesn't even pay money where I can contribute without having to do all the dump little BS that I do in my money-making job because I need the money.

And you'd all do the same. Some of you wouldn't even go find your life's purpose, you'd just just keep going on vacation. You'd start decorating the house.

You are all full of it! You're just mad because you are working and work isn't that fun and you resent people who don't have to work. The end.

I love this comment so much and I love that the only rebuttal people are giving is "no, I'd stay at my non-rewarding job no matter what!"

This person hits the nail on the head. So good.

+1,000
"Self-important and ridiculous" pretty much sums it up.

Right, because interesting and fulfilling jobs don’t exist. Says quite a bit about you that you think that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are all crazy. You are so quick to judge individuals based on like 4 facts about their lives. This reflects your own limitations and unhappiness, not theirs. Claiming to be worried that they will be in a bad position if they divorce? Girl, please.

Most SAHPs work. They are scrubbing toilets and wiping butts and doing laundry and running errands and making dinner. Even the stuff people complain is "make work" -- some of the school organizing, the decorating and organizing, the trips to Target... every job has some BS make-work in it. You really want to sit there and line your day up with a SAHMs to see which of you is more productive? Y'ALL ARE COMPLAINING ON DCUM IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WORK DAY. Me too. None of us is busting our butts.

Sure, some of them might have wealth from their spouse or their family that enables them to outsource everything and lead lives of leisure. If you were independently wealthy without needing to work... would you go into an office every day and send your little emails and attend your little meetings and deal with the petty beaurocracy in your little organization? Where do you work? Law? Lobbying? Consultant? Insurance industry? I know you aren't nurses and school teachers because if you were, you'd be working not right, not fussing about "lazy parasites" on DCUM.

Your really going to tell me that you would work even if you absolutely didn't have to, and that whatever it is you do is more inherently valuable than taking care of children or a family home.

I'm a working mom and I think you all are self-important and ridiculous. My DH and I joke often about how long it would take us to quit our jobs if we were suddenly wealthy. As long as it takes to communicate my decision to leave to my employer, that's how long. I'm not a jerk, so I'll give you my standard two weeks to "ease the transition." Then I'm taking a year off to relax, then I'm finding some "life purpose" type job that probably doesn't even pay money where I can contribute without having to do all the dump little BS that I do in my money-making job because I need the money.

And you'd all do the same. Some of you wouldn't even go find your life's purpose, you'd just just keep going on vacation. You'd start decorating the house.

You are all full of it! You're just mad because you are working and work isn't that fun and you resent people who don't have to work. The end.

I love this comment so much and I love that the only rebuttal people are giving is "no, I'd stay at my non-rewarding job no matter what!"

This person hits the nail on the head. So good.

+1,000
"Self-important and ridiculous" pretty much sums it up.

Totally! Especially for the majority of the office jobs out there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are all crazy. You are so quick to judge individuals based on like 4 facts about their lives. This reflects your own limitations and unhappiness, not theirs. Claiming to be worried that they will be in a bad position if they divorce? Girl, please.

Most SAHPs work. They are scrubbing toilets and wiping butts and doing laundry and running errands and making dinner. Even the stuff people complain is "make work" -- some of the school organizing, the decorating and organizing, the trips to Target... every job has some BS make-work in it. You really want to sit there and line your day up with a SAHMs to see which of you is more productive? Y'ALL ARE COMPLAINING ON DCUM IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WORK DAY. Me too. None of us is busting our butts.

Sure, some of them might have wealth from their spouse or their family that enables them to outsource everything and lead lives of leisure. If you were independently wealthy without needing to work... would you go into an office every day and send your little emails and attend your little meetings and deal with the petty beaurocracy in your little organization? Where do you work? Law? Lobbying? Consultant? Insurance industry? I know you aren't nurses and school teachers because if you were, you'd be working not right, not fussing about "lazy parasites" on DCUM.

Your really going to tell me that you would work even if you absolutely didn't have to, and that whatever it is you do is more inherently valuable than taking care of children or a family home.

I'm a working mom and I think you all are self-important and ridiculous. My DH and I joke often about how long it would take us to quit our jobs if we were suddenly wealthy. As long as it takes to communicate my decision to leave to my employer, that's how long. I'm not a jerk, so I'll give you my standard two weeks to "ease the transition." Then I'm taking a year off to relax, then I'm finding some "life purpose" type job that probably doesn't even pay money where I can contribute without having to do all the dump little BS that I do in my money-making job because I need the money.

And you'd all do the same. Some of you wouldn't even go find your life's purpose, you'd just just keep going on vacation. You'd start decorating the house.

You are all full of it! You're just mad because you are working and work isn't that fun and you resent people who don't have to work. The end.

I love this comment so much and I love that the only rebuttal people are giving is "no, I'd stay at my non-rewarding job no matter what!"

This person hits the nail on the head. So good.

+1,000
"Self-important and ridiculous" pretty much sums it up.

Right, because interesting and fulfilling jobs don’t exist. Says quite a bit about you that you think that.

That poster specifically said she would leave her current job which she likes a lot for a job that was actually fulfilling but made little to no money. Everybody knows there are fulfilling jobs!

[Anonymous]

Interesting thread. I am a working mom that struggled with student loans early on and am behind my peers financially because of them. Paid off now but I recently heard about at malecoworker that has just fallen upward that is about 15 years younger and just bought a house in Arlington and a BMW. I had a flash of jealousy and it’s been on my mind. Yes I amjealous of him and his wife with no kids that could just buy a house and new car. I wonder about her and what it’s like not to worry about money or be limited by debt.