Anyone else here struggle with your feelings about ppl who don’t work?

[Anonymous]

Poor young healthy people who live on welfare checks!

[Anonymous]

I feel the same way, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are women so quick to judge women rather than a society that doesn't help working mothers thrive? The opt-out is real.

Not everybody in this thread is a woman.

Okay, revised for you. >> Why are women and MEN so quick to judge women rather than a society that doesn't help working mothers thrive? The opt-out is real.

Although TBH a thread about WOHM hating SAHM or *checks notes* believe they are parasites, really isn't inclusive of men.

Op - I never made the parasite comment. Nor did I say I hate sahms.
I said that specifically moms who don’t have any occupation once their kids are ft at school (absent other context) make me feel something that is part envy but also more. Idk what it is but I know it’s my own stuff. Just trying to figure out what

I wish that you would not generalize. Do you have some penetrating insights into every single SAHM’s life? There are so many variables at play when it comes to families. You need not be concerned with others’ choices, merely be happy with your own.

[Anonymous]

I don’t work currently. I quit my job a few months ago. I live off of interest from my investments. I don’t have children. I spend my time traveling. My boyfriend travels for work extensively and I go with him.

[Anonymous]

maybe trigger is the wrong word for her to use. But as a therapist myself, I might suggest that your reaction could be an indication that you have an unaddressed longing or that you feel dissatisfied with some aspect of your life, but only you can drill down and identify that feeling and the reasons behind the emotion. Some examples: you feel guilty or wonder if you should be spending more time with your kids, or should have spent more time with them. Or maybe you want to be home and with family more. Or don’t want to be home and feel bad about that. Perhaps you’re exhausted and want to dial back. Maybe you have conflicting values, as in you love financial independence and prioritize career success, but you also value leisure and travel and family time, or whatever. Maybe a family member imprinted on you that you should be a huge career success, or that people who stay home are lazy, and now you have some cognitive dissonance and are annoyed that your perception is changing. I personally work and would not do well staying home, but sometimes I wish I wasn’t ambitious because I’m so tired all the time. There are trade offs to everything. But I’m so grateful that others want to be home and be room parents and volunteer for nonprofits and be Girl Scout leaders or whatever, because that stuff is hard and important and benefits my kids and their education, and I don’t want to do that sort of thing. Also, I’d suck at it. Societies function best when everyone brings different skills and interests and temperaments to the table.

[Anonymous]

I've done both- worked when kids were little and then took a 4 year break now am FT again. Plus and minuses to both. Somehow the days got busy without a job and it was nice not to worry about snow days/sick days/ etc. and had fun with the kids- life was less stressful but it did not make life perfect. I like working but it's tiring and more stressful (though I am well paid and like the income). I don't judge anyone for working or not- I have plenty of smart friends that stay home and plenty that work FT- all of them are good parents.

[Anonymous]

I SAH and have a middle schooler. My general schedule M-F is wake up at 6:20, make coffee, feed pets, get kid up, drive kid to school, return home at 8:00/8:15. Then I make husband breakfast, he leaves around 8:45. I'll clean the kitchen/chores/laundry until about 10. Then I walk the dog, then come home and make myself lunch. It's about noon now. I'll work on some hobbies, call elderly relatives or read until about 2:30, then I have to get kid from school. We are home for an hour or two, then it's time to make dinner or go to some sports practice. There are usually at least 2-3 practices in the evening and one game. I'm in bed by 10 or 10:30.

There's nothing to be envious of. It's really not that exciting, lol. Save money and invest when you are young. Then you can live off the interest/divdends/one income later on.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read any of the replies. (so pls forgive my post if it's either out of context or been said 10 times).

But I'm frankly jealous (really jealous) of people who don't go crazy when not working.
I'm not saying I have 1)a career I love or 2)a great brain what must be stimulated (I have neither). Rather, I just get really dark and depressed when I'm not externally occupied.

I wish I could fill the time with things I enjoy and just live life at home.

[Anonymous]

I went down a rabbit hole of femininity podcasts and Laura Doyle books. I have had a very high profile career but always struggled with the fact that I was doing a grinding full time job on top of all the SAHM things. My husband does not step up and never will, and it’s very difficult to outsource everything. He earns enough to support us and doesn’t need me to work, and, no, I’m not going to upend our family by divorcing him. I know a lot of women in my situation, though few want to admit that their husbands are domestically useless.

Anyway, Laura Doyle makes the interesting point that “women are not smaller less hairy men”. I really WANT to be there for my kids and do “dumb stuff” like plan their birthdays. My husband WANTS to support our family financially. I’m sorry, I know it’s unacceptable to say (except when anonymous), but there are just some big differences between men and women. I’ve cut back on work because I’m tired of fighting my/his innate instincts regarding what our roles are. Life is easier, the whole household works better. Our culture is denying women the ability to just follow our instincts without shame/guilt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, I’m a SAHM of a middle school kid and am embarrassed to admit it when meeting someone because I assume most people feel like OP.

I don’t think you’re envious, even a little. I assume you just can’t imagine circumstances where you’d make different choices.

But it’s worth examining how you’re triggered – outsized reactions to innocuous information comes from somewhere.

I am the same and I simply don't care what people like OP think and feel no reason to justify it. They aren't paying our bills, we have college and retirement savings, live under our means very modestly so they'd have no idea we are doing just fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t judge people who don’t work. However I do judge some moms who claim they don’t work for ridiculous reasons like preschool pickups or difficult children. I can’t tell if they deep down really just don’t want to work or if they think preschool pickup is really a good reason. I dislike how their lifestyle enables their husband to not be an equal parent or partner.

I do wish there were more SAHPs of both genders. I don't care about the choice, but do think the bolded tends to be an important consequence.

Right. That works SO well. Enter the haggard overworked mother who comes home to a SAHD who has slimed the kitchen in crumbs & stickiness, watched porn during nap time, and wadded up the laundry. Please. Stop abusing women with this BS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I went down a rabbit hole of femininity podcasts and Laura Doyle books. I have had a very high profile career but always struggled with the fact that I was doing a grinding full time job on top of all the SAHM things. My husband does not step up and never will, and it’s very difficult to outsource everything. He earns enough to support us and doesn’t need me to work, and, no, I’m not going to upend our family by divorcing him. I know a lot of women in my situation, though few want to admit that their husbands are domestically useless.

Anyway, Laura Doyle makes the interesting point that “women are not smaller less hairy men”. I really WANT to be there for my kids and do “dumb stuff” like plan their birthdays. My husband WANTS to support our family financially. I’m sorry, I know it’s unacceptable to say (except when anonymous), but there are just some big differences between men and women. I’ve cut back on work because I’m tired of fighting my/his innate instincts regarding what our roles are. Life is easier, the whole household works better. Our culture is denying women the ability to just follow our instincts without shame/guilt.

I read this book: https://www.amazon.com/Maternal-Desire-Children-Love-Inner/dp/0316059951 when my first was a baby and it really resonated with me. "De Marneffe brings her experiences and perspectives as a psychologist, feminist, and mother to this absorbing look at the enormous personal pleasure that women derive from mothering. Citing the political, cultural, and social factors that have devalued motherhood, de Marneffe notes the reluctance to explore maternal desire--as common wisdom would have it, motherhood and desire don't belong in the same phrase."

I feel like other arguments about for being home with children are always phrased as what's best for the child. But I stayed home because it was best for me. I LOVED being home in the early years and was happy to go back to work FT when my youngest started school. My friends' kids who were in full time care did just as well IMO as those with a SAHP and my kids don't remember those early years. But I remember them and loved that time. But I can certainly understand if someone didn't want to be at home or sympathize with a mom who wanted to but it wasn't possible financially.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are all crazy. You are so quick to judge individuals based on like 4 facts about their lives. This reflects your own limitations and unhappiness, not theirs. Claiming to be worried that they will be in a bad position if they divorce? Girl, please.

Most SAHPs work. They are scrubbing toilets and wiping butts and doing laundry and running errands and making dinner. Even the stuff people complain is "make work" -- some of the school organizing, the decorating and organizing, the trips to Target... every job has some BS make-work in it. You really want to sit there and line your day up with a SAHMs to see which of you is more productive? Y'ALL ARE COMPLAINING ON DCUM IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WORK DAY. Me too. None of us is busting our butts.

Sure, some of them might have wealth from their spouse or their family that enables them to outsource everything and lead lives of leisure. If you were independently wealthy without needing to work... would you go into an office every day and send your little emails and attend your little meetings and deal with the petty beaurocracy in your little organization? Where do you work? Law? Lobbying? Consultant? Insurance industry? I know you aren't nurses and school teachers because if you were, you'd be working not right, not fussing about "lazy parasites" on DCUM.

Your really going to tell me that you would work even if you absolutely didn't have to, and that whatever it is you do is more inherently valuable than taking care of children or a family home.

I'm a working mom and I think you all are self-important and ridiculous. My DH and I joke often about how long it would take us to quit our jobs if we were suddenly wealthy. As long as it takes to communicate my decision to leave to my employer, that's how long. I'm not a jerk, so I'll give you my standard two weeks to "ease the transition." Then I'm taking a year off to relax, then I'm finding some "life purpose" type job that probably doesn't even pay money where I can contribute without having to do all the dump little BS that I do in my money-making job because I need the money.

And you'd all do the same. Some of you wouldn't even go find your life's purpose, you'd just just keep going on vacation. You'd start decorating the house.

You are all full of it! You're just mad because you are working and work isn't that fun and you resent people who don't have to work. The end.

I love this comment so much and I love that the only rebuttal people are giving is "no, I'd stay at my non-rewarding job no matter what!"

This person hits the nail on the head. So good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went down a rabbit hole of femininity podcasts and Laura Doyle books. I have had a very high profile career but always struggled with the fact that I was doing a grinding full time job on top of all the SAHM things. My husband does not step up and never will, and it’s very difficult to outsource everything. He earns enough to support us and doesn’t need me to work, and, no, I’m not going to upend our family by divorcing him. I know a lot of women in my situation, though few want to admit that their husbands are domestically useless.

Anyway, Laura Doyle makes the interesting point that “women are not smaller less hairy men”. I really WANT to be there for my kids and do “dumb stuff” like plan their birthdays. My husband WANTS to support our family financially. I’m sorry, I know it’s unacceptable to say (except when anonymous), but there are just some big differences between men and women. I’ve cut back on work because I’m tired of fighting my/his innate instincts regarding what our roles are. Life is easier, the whole household works better. Our culture is denying women the ability to just follow our instincts without shame/guilt.

I read this book: https://www.amazon.com/Maternal-Desire-Children-Love-Inner/dp/0316059951 when my first was a baby and it really resonated with me. "De Marneffe brings her experiences and perspectives as a psychologist, feminist, and mother to this absorbing look at the enormous personal pleasure that women derive from mothering. Citing the political, cultural, and social factors that have devalued motherhood, de Marneffe notes the reluctance to explore maternal desire--as common wisdom would have it, motherhood and desire don't belong in the same phrase."

I feel like other arguments about for being home with children are always phrased as what's best for the child. But I stayed home because it was best for me. I LOVED being home in the early years and was happy to go back to work FT when my youngest started school. My friends' kids who were in full time care did just as well IMO as those with a SAHP and my kids don't remember those early years. But I remember them and loved that time. But I can certainly understand if someone didn't want to be at home or sympathize with a mom who wanted to but it wasn't possible financially.

Exactly. Women experience a profound desire to take care of their home and children. Our society tells us this is bad hence all the drama and handwringing. Does EVERY woman experience this? No. But many do and it’s certainly as valid as paper pushing in an office (people on here are acting as though their jobs are saving the universe - not!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are women so quick to judge women rather than a society that doesn't help working mothers thrive? The opt-out is real.

Not everybody in this thread is a woman.

Okay, revised for you. >> Why are women and MEN so quick to judge women rather than a society that doesn't help working mothers thrive? The opt-out is real.

Although TBH a thread about WOHM hating SAHM or *checks notes* believe they are parasites, really isn't inclusive of men.

I'm the one using the term parasite. I'm a man. Keep trying.

WOW! Low earning men or men from LMC/MC dysfunctional families are the only ones who call SAHMs parasites. :puke:

In my experience, most of my high earning friends whose wives are still at home full time after the kids are at school full time, carry some level of resentment. It’s a dirty secret they don’t tell their wives bc no one wants to be the one who ‘forces the woman back to work’ - but it’s a burden that men have carried for - well - ever, and I think many have feelings about it their wives don’t fully realize.
It’s just logical though - if you sah and your dh works full time - beyond early childhood - of course he feels resentful! Why would he not.

Nope. Low class men. So called "high earning friends" are only high earning compared to you.

One of these is an equity partner at a big 4 (so that is big money), one is in m&a, one is fed. I am about between all in salary.
It happens. You just don’t want to think it happens

No, it doesn't. And if it does, it is with the bro kind of White dudes.