Parents who are overwhelmed with one or two kids

[Anonymous]

Op I'm not sure you deserve the time it's going to take me to punch this out on my iPhone, but I'll do it anyway. I have two kids, early elementary age. My oldest is extremely easy to parent - happy go lucky, does very well at school, is pretty successful at her sport, has a lot of friends, good sleeper, eats whatever you put in front of her, loves to read. My youngest had a ton of developmental delays that emerged smack in the middle of Covid, required 5+ years (still going) of therapy we pay out of pocket for as well as special needs preschool, is medicated for ADHD and looking into it for anxiety, requires a ton of extra appointments for a medical condition we are trying to figure out, has an IEP.. I could go on but I won't.

In the scheme of things, his needs are mild and he is an absolutely fantastic kid who has worked so hard to end up where he is today. My kids have an extremely special sibling relationship and are sweet, empathetic kids. But I have parented on hard mode for many years, and the amount of emotional and mental energy navigate this has taken and continues to take can't be undersold. If my second and first were clones (as it appears all three of yours are from your statement that all infants and toddlers are the same), I'd have three kids and think it's easy too.

You wouldn't know everything we deal with unless you were DH or my mom because as he has gotten older I am extremely careful what I share out of respect for his privacy. I have also been burned by people who, frankly, sound a lot like you.

I doubt you will take the time to reflect or even read this because your post is dripping with a lack of self-awareness and with superiority. But I hope you do or at least that you can be kinder to people in real life and grateful for your easy kids, high tolerance for the chaos of parenting, and (I'm guessing) financial resources to support your big family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fewer kids

This.
Plus can’t imagine all the wear & tear on that body with 4+ kids

Nope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you a SAHM?

Op here - no I work full time. And yes I realize for the most part my kids are easy but kids, especially newborns through toddler years are all sort of the same. They demand a lot and are physically taxing.

Again I would never say this out loud (hence the anonymous board post) but I still think. I have done solo trips and outings with my kids since they were babies.

OK, now I'm laughing with tears streaming. Newborns are not all alike; toddlers are vastly differently from one another.

Did you ever wonder why some babies and toddlers are kicked out of daycare or preschool? Some kids are born hard to handle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand how it can be so difficult with just one or two kid. I have 3 and at one point had a newborn, 3 year old and 4 year old. I did 75% of things solo when DH was in the office.

Every time one of my kids is at a playdate or with friends and I only have 2 kids it feels like I have all this extra time and it’s so easy.

I feel bad and would never vocalize this since most of my friends have only 1 or 2 kids but whenever they complain at how hard it is I am always so confused. I don’t find 3 very difficult either and have always wanted more but that probably won’t happen.

I'm a parent of an only. She is 6 now. Life is very easy now, but I found the first 3 years really hard and 4 and 5 were not a cakewalk either. Part of it is that she has some special needs but they are pretty mild. However, I am easily overwhelmed by noise, not very organized, and not very high energy. I don't complain much, but I honestly don't think DH and I would do well with 2 kids, much less 3. Thankfully, my fertility issues made the choice for us because I initially did want another child. Sometimes I feel ashamed I am not a more capable person, but I am working on practicing radical acceptance and am grateful to have a happy child and happy family.

[Anonymous]

Raising some kids requires a Phd in Parenting; other kids can be managed with Intro to Parenting 101.

OP, in 7 out of 10 cases, the ones who find it hard and are struggling are earning the PhDs the hard way, while you have never really been tested in the subject matter yet.

There are of course some who were not really cut out for the field or were forced into it and hate it; and others who are struggling for reasons unrelated to the challenges of parenting. Give your fellow parents some grace, not judgment.

[Anonymous]

Has OP ever returned?

[Anonymous]

OP might be rage bait but I have wondered this.

I only have two kids but haven’t felt overwhelmed. I have two neighbors, one a SAHM, with only children and they constantly talk about how busy and stressed they are. I think you see life through your own lens and certain outlooks encourage those feelings of stress and overwhelm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has OP ever returned?

I hope she is reading and is embarrassed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having 3 & 4 kids the hardest for me.

Now, I’m four months postpartum with #8 (other kids are 14,13,11,9,6,5,2) and it’s much easier.

Yikes. WHY?

We’re religious.

You can still practice religion with fewer kids.

Yes, but we can afford having a lot of kids so why not.

Both of my parents are among the youngest kids in huge Catholic families (7+ kids). They both experienced a ton of parental neglect that came home to roost when they became parents. Older siblings are not good substitutes for actual parents, as they are children themselves. They often reinforce childish beliefs and fears, can be emotionally abusive because they aren't mature enough to be parenting, etc. My parents would have been much better off with real love and guidance from their actual parents, but they barely knew them. Yes they have some find memories of very full houses, big and boisterous family dinners, and have some great and close relationships with siblings. But the were not sufficiently *parented*. Kids from smaller families, IMO, tend to be more emotionally mature and developed, have a better sense of themselves and their role, have deeper and more reliable self confidence. Kids from very large families seem needy, because they are needy --they needed things growing up that they simply never got.

I also come from a big family (13 children) and didn’t experience any neglect. Our kids do get 1-1 time and our older kids don’t help parent at all.

What do you consider 1-1 time? Whose helping?

We take the kids out individually 1-1.

We have nannies, housekeeper, a chef, and my MIL also helps us a lot.

You said earlier that you and DH do all the childcare. Why do you have nannies?

Our nannies mainly help with logistics—especially driving. Six of our kids attend four different schools, so it’s a lot of driving. They also help with overlapping schedules, travel, babysitting and things that nannies help families with less kids. So we have time and can focus on the kids themselves.

Our chef comes a couple of times a week, our housekeeper is a lifesaver, and my MIL helps because she genuinely wants to, which we really appreciate.
We do everything else.

Honestly, this seems like a pretty relaxed & nice lifestyle

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand how it can be so difficult with just one or two kid. I have 3 and at one point had a newborn, 3 year old and 4 year old. I did 75% of things solo when DH was in the office.

Every time one of my kids is at a playdate or with friends and I only have 2 kids it feels like I have all this extra time and it’s so easy.

I feel bad and would never vocalize this since most of my friends have only 1 or 2 kids but whenever they complain at how hard it is I am always so confused. I don’t find 3 very difficult either and have always wanted more but that probably won’t happen.

I agree OP same with me.
DH traveled Monday -Friday the first 15 years of our marriage.

My sister both have one and it is always complain about how hard it is....

And I worked full time.

I think that, ceteris paribus, one child really is more difficult in many ways. You are always *on* as a parent with one child, and the all-your-eggs-in-one-basket anxiety is crippling. At least with two children, you can worry about them in turn.

I used to go in more than once a night to make sure that my oldest was still breathing. Pretty much the last time I did that was the night before the second kid was born.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm an anti-social introvert working part time with only one kid, but I find it hard sometimes. Child is very much an extrovert and talks constantly. I'm also an intensive parent (Suzuki instrument lessons once or twice per week, regional orchestra, sports, language) and no-screens at home. I honestly can't imagine having 3! I don't think I complain about it, but chat and empathize in social settings.

You could but they’d all have to be in the same activities or less or dump them for fake carpools on others.

I don’t see how this could happen unless I had kids the same gender within a year (or two at most). Larger age gap or different gender makes doing same activities at the same or similar times impossible.

Taekwondo. After white belt, everyone from age 5 to 88 is in the same class. I’m not defending mega families, but just saying it is possible to have them all in activities. You just have to decide that a certain activity is THE activity for the family.

[Anonymous]

Some people have big jobs, chronic illnesses, inept partners, no family help, financial or mental health issues-- any of these factors make parenting more difficult

Other people have kids with difficult temperaments, medical issues, obvious or hidden disabilities- any of these factors make parenting more difficult.

[Anonymous]

Big jobs

lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP might be rage bait but I have wondered this.

I only have two kids but haven’t felt overwhelmed. I have two neighbors, one a SAHM, with only children and they constantly talk about how busy and stressed they are. I think you see life through your own lens and certain outlooks encourage those feelings of stress and overwhelm.

Maybe its not the kid, and having an only but other stressors in their lives. Mine had special needs that required daily therapies plus I was the sole caretaker of a MIL with dementia. Plus, my own health issues. I didn't share it wtih most. Plus, somethine else on top of that.

[Anonymous]

For me the issue is the sleep. Our child, who has ASD but with low support needs never seemed like an especially bad sleeper. But even when she was 4 or 5 she would go through 1-2 week stretches every few months of waking us in the middle of the night and needing us to stay with her for 1-2 hours until she got back to sleep. The intermittent sleep deprivation impacted me more than I realized at the time. It's now been about a year and a half since that stopped and I feel like a completely new person, able to really focus at work and motivated to work out consistently. My sister has a 1 year old now and they are in the thick of long term sleep deprivation. I honestly don't know if our marriage would survive that again. It is sometimes hard to have an only and we love having friends over, but it can also be nice to be my kid's playmate. It sounds like OP, if a real person, seems to truly enjoy her kids, and I truly enjoy my one kid now. I don't think I could really enjoy two or three, I would just constantly be in survival mode.