Helicopter parents and their presence out of control?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of the parent Facebook groups I’m on has a discussion about what private jet rental company to use to get students back and forth to college.

Not an Ivy and I refuse to say what college it is.

Wonder how many kids actual get there by helicopter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This has been happening for a decade. I used to work in a University. The big shift in parental involvement ramped up when tuition skyrocketed. To parents, this is one of the largest financial investments they will make. The more expensive college gets, the more parents expect.

Housing at some schools is a real issue so more parents with means are buying investment condos or houses. Honestly, if DS ends up going to the school in the city we are looking to retire in we will likely buy our retirement house before we need it and let him live there or buy one with an ADU / space for ADU and work remotely/ commute back. It would save around 40 K a year.

This is no doubt part of it. I have a college freshman and I’m on one of the FB groups and there’s a lot of useful info but also some parents over sharing w/o submitting an anonymous post. But, yes, the money is an issue. There was a recent thread that I commented on about the state of the bathroom in the dorms upon move-in. There was one post on it from an “anti-helicopter” parent chastising the thread and saying what’s college w/o dealing with a dirty bathroom or something like that. But, frankly, I’m paying a heck of a lot of money for the bathrooms to have been dirty before anyone was even in the building and do expect they’ll be cleaned regularly since that’s part of what I am paying for. Same can be said about decent food.

I also think sometimes you don’t know a person’s situation and need to give them grace. There’s one dad on the FB page that seems really over involved. I have to admit I googled him and quickly realized his wife died after an illness not long ago, so, he’s clearly a grieving widower trying to be both mom and dad.

You don’t know which kids have had an eating disorder or other mental or physical health issues, etc…

There are some extreme situations but most people are just doing the best they can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I went to college in the 90s and we used to give one of my roommates a hard time because her mom called her every single day. We thought that was so weird. The rest of us rarely saw or spoke to our parents. But we all still have good relationships with them now as adults.

We did not have smart phones in the 90's. We were waiting in line in the common area to use our calling cards for our Sun. night calls. Not the same when you can just call, FT, text, etc.

Additionally, very few ppl on here are advocating parents calling every day. So stop with that.

Lastly, I do not look to my Boomer parents' parenting as some ideal to live up to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This isn’t new. My suitemate’s parents at my Ivy League school did this back in the late 90s. They flew out monthly or more to take their kid shopping, take her out to nice meals, type her term papers, edit her term papers, write up her sources, and quiz her for exams. Sometimes they would take her friends drinking and even come to parties. She treated it like the most normal thing ever but my other suite mates and I were appalled. We had never seen anything like it and assumed she would flail after graduation. So naive of us!

She got into Yale Law School and has had a great life ever since. I had other kids on my floor who had parents stay nearby to handle laundry, food shopping, package pickup, etc. They were all super successful and confident, maybe because they knew they had a safety net and could focus on school and extracurriculars without worrying about time management or chores.

Agree with the PP who said this is a rich people problem- these were very rich people.

This. A friend's kid just transferred out of Boston College. She said her kid (among other reasons for leaving) was the "poor kid" but they are not poor. Parents were coming every weekend, taking kids out for expensive dinners and buying designer bags and clothes for their kids. Buying anything they needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This has been happening for a decade. I used to work in a University. The big shift in parental involvement ramped up when tuition skyrocketed. To parents, this is one of the largest financial investments they will make. The more expensive college gets, the more parents expect.

Housing at some schools is a real issue so more parents with means are buying investment condos or houses. Honestly, if DS ends up going to the school in the city we are looking to retire in we will likely buy our retirement house before we need it and let him live there or buy one with an ADU / space for ADU and work remotely/ commute back. It would save around 40 K a year.

This is no doubt part of it. I have a college freshman and I’m on one of the FB groups and there’s a lot of useful info but also some parents over sharing w/o submitting an anonymous post. But, yes, the money is an issue. There was a recent thread that I commented on about the state of the bathroom in the dorms upon move-in. There was one post on it from an “anti-helicopter” parent chastising the thread and saying what’s college w/o dealing with a dirty bathroom or something like that. But, frankly, I’m paying a heck of a lot of money for the bathrooms to have been dirty before anyone was even in the building and do expect they’ll be cleaned regularly since that’s part of what I am paying for. Same can be said about decent food.

I also think sometimes you don’t know a person’s situation and need to give them grace. There’s one dad on the FB page that seems really over involved. I have to admit I googled him and quickly realized his wife died after an illness not long ago, so, he’s clearly a grieving widower trying to be both mom and dad.

You don’t know which kids have had an eating disorder or other mental or physical health issues, etc…

There are some extreme situations but most people are just doing the best they can.

The more you all stomp your heels and demand to get what you paid for, the higher the prices will go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went to college in the 90s and we used to give one of my roommates a hard time because her mom called her every single day. We thought that was so weird. The rest of us rarely saw or spoke to our parents. But we all still have good relationships with them now as adults.

We did not have smart phones in the 90's. We were waiting in line in the common area to use our calling cards for our Sun. night calls. Not the same when you can just call, FT, text, etc.

Additionally, very few ppl on here are advocating parents calling every day. So stop with that.

Lastly, I do not look to my Boomer parents' parenting as some ideal to live up to.

There is no ideal, so don’t be surprised if your own kids eventually realize that your omnipresence in their young adult lives wasn’t necessarily best for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I used to have a handful of college rental houses right off campus. Zero frills just solid and safe older houses. The students used to group up, find them, sign their own leases, fix things they broke. They were happy, funny, adventurous and cool to know. I felt like I was providing half their education with a place they could learn how to manage and grow. They became totally independent.

That all changed in the early 2000’s. I sold the last house last year. I hate the parents and the kids have very few redeeming qualities.

It’s the ridiculous and illogical expense. The money for college could be scrounged up… the drinking age was 18… the kids were physically resilient and healthy.. they built party stages in the rental house yards..went on road trips with almost no money..

Now it’s like a concierge service and they live on their phones oblivious to reality.

A college degree today is a badge that identifies a difficult and stress inducing employee. The candidate must prove they aren’t a soul sucking consumer of precious resources and producer of fecal matter.

[Anonymous]

I started college in 1990. My dorm roommate called one of her father’s secretaries and dictated her papers to her instead of typing them out. Her father yenes a very successful company. She also was in charge of buying and shipping her things so my dorm mate wouldn’t have to go to the store and buy things like shampoo, etc. Her mom regularly sent her new clothes and when they came to visit every other weekend they took her laundry home so their maid could wash and iron her clothes and her dry cleaning could be done.

When I was in grad school a classmates parents bought him a condo next to the school so he wouldn’t have to deal with having to rent. He was able to sublet rooms to his classmates. It seemed like financially it was a really good investment because his patents also bought a condo they could stay in when they visited in the same complex. I thought this was awful because it meant a student wasn’t able to live there or anyone from the community. I imagine this is one of the reasons why rental properties in that town were so expensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah... you know what?
I'm a little tired of people criticizing helicopter parents.

We all do what we think is best for our families. I don't think being close-knit and seeking family togetherness is inherently bad, quite the contrary. I speak as a member of an international family whose relatives are scattered all over the world.

If I thought doing something "non-traditional" for my family was helpful, or if it made me very happy and I could afford it... heck yes, I'd do it!

+1

Refreshing to see a non-judgmental take on here. We're all just people trying to do the best we can. Also, if one family is overly close in your opinion, it shouldn't be seen as a threat to you because your family is different or makes other choices. And they should not feel threatened by your family just because they are less close but more independent. Let's just all mind our own business and stop comparing ourselves to other families. What they're doing is harmless; what you're doing is not hurting anyone either. Live and let others live the way they want to. Comparison is the thief of joy.

It's not really harmless. It causes serious arrested development in their children, which affects their ability to function later. That's a burden for themselves and society writ large. The lack of teaching children independence and resilience and letting them fail on their own actually has massive societal impacts.

+1 The middle school bus stop in my neighborhood is now full of several moms who drive their kids to the stop (it’s at most a five minute walk in a very residential neighborhood) and then chit chat with each other while waiting for the bus with their kids. It didn’t use to be like this (my kids are in HS and college) just a few years ago. These kids are learning that they are not capable of doing this on their own, which will continue as they get older.

[Anonymous]

So many angry helicopter parents on this thread. Who knew DCUM had so many?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Young people’s brains do not fully develop until age 26. After age 26, they are finally capable of making sound, adult, decisions.

Before that age, our children need our guidance; it’s as simple as that.

I’m not going to apologize for being a good parent.

Lol, at 26 I had already finished grad school, had a job and one kid. You can function independently with a prefrontal cortex still developing

Are you 80? I know no one who had a baby at that age unless it was an accident from generations subsequent to my grandparents.

DP: I had finished grad school at 24, married at 22. Chose to wait until 29 for a kid. But There are plenty of people who choose to have kids in their mid to late20s who are only in their 40/50s.

Wise ones do not choose to have children at that age, much less get married. That is too young.

Happily married 34+ years, I agree it's not for everyone. But we were both very mature, responsible adults and obviously knew what we wanted. Grew up poor, now UHNW by time we were 50, all self made. I'd say we made the correct choices in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of the parent Facebook groups I’m on has a discussion about what private jet rental company to use to get students back and forth to college.

Not an Ivy and I refuse to say what college it is.

As a pilot, I will say that this can be more cost-effective than commercial.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah... you know what?
I'm a little tired of people criticizing helicopter parents.

We all do what we think is best for our families. I don't think being close-knit and seeking family togetherness is inherently bad, quite the contrary. I speak as a member of an international family whose relatives are scattered all over the world.

If I thought doing something "non-traditional" for my family was helpful, or if it made me very happy and I could afford it... heck yes, I'd do it!

+1

Refreshing to see a non-judgmental take on here. We're all just people trying to do the best we can. Also, if one family is overly close in your opinion, it shouldn't be seen as a threat to you because your family is different or makes other choices. And they should not feel threatened by your family just because they are less close but more independent. Let's just all mind our own business and stop comparing ourselves to other families. What they're doing is harmless; what you're doing is not hurting anyone either. Live and let others live the way they want to. Comparison is the thief of joy.

It's not really harmless. It causes serious arrested development in their children, which affects their ability to function later. That's a burden for themselves and society writ large. The lack of teaching children independence and resilience and letting them fail on their own actually has massive societal impacts.

+1 The middle school bus stop in my neighborhood is now full of several moms who drive their kids to the stop (it’s at most a five minute walk in a very residential neighborhood) and then chit chat with each other while waiting for the bus with their kids. It didn’t use to be like this (my kids are in HS and college) just a few years ago. These kids are learning that they are not capable of doing this on their own, which will continue as they get older.

80's parents did this, too. Two words: Adam Walsh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah... you know what?
I'm a little tired of people criticizing helicopter parents.

We all do what we think is best for our families. I don't think being close-knit and seeking family togetherness is inherently bad, quite the contrary. I speak as a member of an international family whose relatives are scattered all over the world.

If I thought doing something "non-traditional" for my family was helpful, or if it made me very happy and I could afford it... heck yes, I'd do it!

+1

Refreshing to see a non-judgmental take on here. We're all just people trying to do the best we can. Also, if one family is overly close in your opinion, it shouldn't be seen as a threat to you because your family is different or makes other choices. And they should not feel threatened by your family just because they are less close but more independent. Let's just all mind our own business and stop comparing ourselves to other families. What they're doing is harmless; what you're doing is not hurting anyone either. Live and let others live the way they want to. Comparison is the thief of joy.

It's not really harmless. It causes serious arrested development in their children, which affects their ability to function later. That's a burden for themselves and society writ large. The lack of teaching children independence and resilience and letting them fail on their own actually has massive societal impacts.

+1 The middle school bus stop in my neighborhood is now full of several moms who drive their kids to the stop (it’s at most a five minute walk in a very residential neighborhood) and then chit chat with each other while waiting for the bus with their kids. It didn’t use to be like this (my kids are in HS and college) just a few years ago. These kids are learning that they are not capable of doing this on their own, which will continue as they get older.

80's parents did this, too. Two words: Adam Walsh.

PP you quoted. I’m sure that was true to an extent, although my own very paranoid mom didn’t and neither did other parents of my classmates in the 80s. But I’ve lived in this neighborhood almost a decade and it wasn’t like this until the last year or two that the middle school bus stop started looking like an elementary school bus stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Three cousins all went to bigger Southern schools. They were raised by Gen X parents. One set of parents quite literally bought an apartment where the daughter goes to school so they could attend all of the football home games. They say they give their daughter space and don't sit next to her at the games, but they quite literally fly in every single weekend there is home game at the school where the D goes. Same for the other 2 cousins. Parents bought a house in the city where the S goes to attend all of the games. They also go down to the city where their other D goes all the time, like probably 15+ weekends during a school year.

Is it just a common these days for parents to be so clingy? These kinds of helicopter parents were unheard of when I was in school. Who wants to go to college and have their parents even remotely close to them for the whole weekends for 85% of the academic year?

My baby boomer parents in the early 90s bought season tickets and came to every football game at my Big Ten college (Michigan). They weren't clingy, they never even cared about football before I went to college, they just loved the atmosphere and seeing me. I don't think they ever spent the night in Ann Arbor though.