Brat or typical tween behavior?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of the complaining is normal kid behavior, and some of it is also quarantine behavior - I know my own 11 year old is sometimes punchy out of nowhere these days in a way we didn't see when she was going to school out of the house and participating in favorite activities.

As for the walking piece, OP - I have one kid who loves to walk and can hike for miles, and then there's the 11 year old, who will hike only at Girl Scout camp. She can swim for hours, but walking is usually not her favorite.

You asked in one of your posts here how you can help your own kids develop better attitudes/sense about money and grateful behavior. Talk about how much things cost and give your kids a chance to have a budget.

When my daughter was younger and crazy about American Girl dolls she got gift cards to that store as a gift for many holidays - and boy if she didn't learn how to budget out that money down to the penny to be sure she was really getting exactly what she wanted. I also remember taking her to to the grocery store in that phase and the look on her face when she saw the total - and then she said to me, "that's as much as an American Girl doll!" Realizing a week's worth of groceries and a doll she wanted were the same price made more sense to her than me saying, "that's expensive and I don't think you need another one."

Op here. Thanks for the ideas. I’ll apply them to my own kids as they get older.

With the not walking thing-does your DD’s not wanting to walk extend to things as simple as, walking from the parking lot to an activity and back? Like, ok they aren’t hikers, I get it. I’ve got to meet them where they are on that. But even when we went to the hotel, which did involve a 10-15 minute walk from parking lot to the pool, they were whining and I felt a little confused/exasperated-like Ok does this mean you don’t want to go to the pool? Like can you see that there is no parking right next to the pool? What do you want me to do about this? Should we just go home? I was carrying a ton of stuff and trying to corral them and diagnose the problem and figure out what they wanted and felt very frustrated in the moment but we got through it.

I would make them carry stuff and start singing frozen Let it Go to them. Honestly the walk from parking lot is when they would complain IME.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I spoil my niece because I like to. And would give any family member my old iPhone in a second. It sounds like you need to let them know what the plan is for the days they are with you. If you’re opposed to buying Starbucks, go to the grocery and let them make it at home. Have things planned when they visit. They are not toddlers playing with toys. I don’t get what your problem is.

Op here. The iPhone is broken (like straight up shattered on the back), so no I’m not giving it to them.

If you look at my PPs you’ll see we did plan together. We had several FaceTime calls and emails to plan, not to mention each day we huddled up in the morning to plan the day.

I’m not super into buying them things, I’d rather spend my money on giving them experiences, which is what I do.

I don’t think kids this young need daily starbucks, whether from the grocery store or from the actual coffee shop so no. All they want are the giant milkshakes anyway-definitely not a daily type of food.

OP I think you did a good job. They are just in a bratty stage.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP, if you really want them to go to college you’ll have to offer specific dollar amounts you’re willing to pay. If her parents say “We’ll figure it out,” that’s code for parent plus loans and debt hell. Plenty of people feel the need to delay college because it’s not affordable at that time. 529s are also not common knowledge in most of the country.

Op here. Our university is tuition free or very nearly so for families making under a certain threshold. They also are from a state with a very small population and they are the first ones in their family to go to college. They are biracial and bilingual. If they want to do this, I believe it can work financially for them. We will help too, financially if we can and operationally as much as possible.

You probably already know this but most schools that have that kind of financial aid threshold don't actually accept very many kids who qualify for it. Those acceptances are hard to get and the kids often struggle because of gaps in what the aid covers. If you want this to be possible for then you would need to see them more and to also help them financially with the gaps that happen. So many kids on those scholarships are forced to drop out or take loans.

I was fortunate to have caring aunts but i also had the benefit of having highly educated parents even though they were divorced and we were low income. I think you need to be more involved if you want this for them.

Op here. Well at this point it’s just a matter of exposing them to the idea and seeing what they end up wanting to do. There’s no magic bullet but I do think they have some advantages going for them and I believe it can be done if it turns out to be what they want. Time will have to tell. I’m doing what I can.

OP I think you’re doing a great job. Keep trying to be a good influence (not saying their dad is a bad one!).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s bratty and almost strange that they felt comfortable/empowered enough to do that to an aunt. Must be you are close? I can see my tween acting that way for DH and I but never an aunt.

Op here. They come From a working class background and DH and I are more upper middle class, and sometimes I wonder if that’s a factor. They seem to be very much in gimme mode whenever I’m with them, like they are CONSTANTLY trying to get things from me-starbucks, McDonald’s, clothes, etc.

I try to be generous and fair but it’s non stop. I took them to Starbucks yesterday, let them each get whatever they wanted....then today we walked by Starbucks a few times and each time asking to go in. It’s like it’s never enough, they always want more.

I would be effing mortified if my DS4 did this stuff.....

You hit the nail on the head OP.

It's get as much from your "rich" aunt as you can time. Have to wonder if they have been coached somewhat, or if this is them trying to get as many special / expensive experiences as they can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you really want them to go to college you’ll have to offer specific dollar amounts you’re willing to pay. If her parents say “We’ll figure it out,” that’s code for parent plus loans and debt hell. Plenty of people feel the need to delay college because it’s not affordable at that time. 529s are also not common knowledge in most of the country.

Op here. Our university is tuition free or very nearly so for families making under a certain threshold. They also are from a state with a very small population and they are the first ones in their family to go to college. They are biracial and bilingual. If they want to do this, I believe it can work financially for them. We will help too, financially if we can and operationally as much as possible.

Oh, so you’re the white aunt swooping in and trying to play hero?

Also, I would be miserable if i had to “huddle” every morning while visiting my aunt on vacation. Yikes.

[Anonymous]

Sounds to me their parents told them you are loaded and to get as much out of you as theycan. As opposed to parents telling them to behave.
Unless they are richer than you? In which case they would think you cheap and weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you really want them to go to college you’ll have to offer specific dollar amounts you’re willing to pay. If her parents say “We’ll figure it out,” that’s code for parent plus loans and debt hell. Plenty of people feel the need to delay college because it’s not affordable at that time. 529s are also not common knowledge in most of the country.

Op here. Our university is tuition free or very nearly so for families making under a certain threshold. They also are from a state with a very small population and they are the first ones in their family to go to college. They are biracial and bilingual. If they want to do this, I believe it can work financially for them. We will help too, financially if we can and operationally as much as possible.

Oh, so you’re the white aunt swooping in and trying to play hero?

Also, I would be miserable if i had to “huddle” every morning while visiting my aunt on vacation. Yikes.

Op here. Calm down PP. My brother married a Caucasian woman. My nieces speak our native language, as do I.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you realize you have a come-back for every post that doesn't laud and applaud you? I see a correlation between your actions here and the outcome with your nieces.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I feel like you want to be handed a medal for having your nieces and showing them, gasp, a college. My 12yo would not more be interested in touring a college than she would be in shooting a hole in her head. I feel you are out of touch with this age demographic AND also mag have some issues/problems with this family you are not getting into here, like you expected them to treat you as a hero for taking them to a Tweetsie Railroad type of place and a college? Yeah, tweens are way more complicated and HONEST than toddlers and will call it as they see it.

I could totally see them getting flat out offended by the college tour.

Op here. Ok so more background-DH and I both work at the university and it’s one of the most beautiful campuses I’ve ever seen.

What we did was talk about what each of them wanted to be when they grow up. One said teacher, the other said flight attendant, the other said a nanny. We tried to brainstorm other ideas/thoughts and then walked to the respective colleges to do pics in front of them, thinking someday maybe they would go to this university and that’s where they would study. So we took pics in front of the college of education for the one that wanted to be a teacher, etc.

They did not know what a university is, or what college is, or even when you go there. And then they said they can’t go to college because they can’t afford it. We were telling them yes you can!! There are scholarships, financial aid, etc. and we told them we would help them apply and figure it all out.

I guess I didn’t expect this would be thrilling but I feel like it’s important. I can’t remember when I knew about college but it was definitely by age 12......

Yikes. OP, I know you think you were doing the right thing but in one fell swoop you let your (negative) judgement about them and their thoughts/dreams come shining through. No wonder they were tweening it up with you. No one likes to feel judged. You had the right intentions but you went about it completely the wrong way. I am the mom of middle school girls and I am a middle school teacher btw.

Agreed, OP this was over the top, especially since it was a forced outing

Completely disagree. IF they do not have any support around pursuing college you are letting them know that you are a person in their lives that is available and interested in that goal for them should they want it. I would continue to give them this message throughout their teens.

At 9/10/12? And walking through a college and buying shirts for a photo op? No, that’s over the top

I get the gesture but this isn’t the Big Brother/Big Sister Program. No one likes to feel like they need someone to swoop in and “rescue” them from their circumstances.

How is auntie being interested in their thoughts about the future and even little conversations about college "swooping in to rescue them from circumstances" those are entirely normal conversations to have with nieces and nephews in my extended family. They normally last all of 5 minutes like most other tween conversations.

This wasn’t 5 minutes of conversation. Sounds more like 90 minutes.

I think complaining about walking was their way of expressing that they didn’t want to do the activity.

OK but oh well. Learn how to be good guest and that includes going on a walk with auntie if auntie wants to go on a walk. IF auntie wants to show you where she works- you will go and you will cooperate and believe it or not - you can even find value in it if you put down your darn phone.

DP. I dunno but I don't think a forced march was the best way to sway their opinion. I am a 50+ woman and I would rebel, too, if I was being lectured and harangued, judged and made to take a boring hike across an empty campus when I would rather do something else. OP would be better off investigating if the kids' schools offer AVID and encouraging the girls to join up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you really want them to go to college you’ll have to offer specific dollar amounts you’re willing to pay. If her parents say “We’ll figure it out,” that’s code for parent plus loans and debt hell. Plenty of people feel the need to delay college because it’s not affordable at that time. 529s are also not common knowledge in most of the country.

LOL I think the girls were jiving Auntie for being so pushy about college. Were NEEEEEVER going to college !

[Anonymous]

My rich aunt never even sent me a bday gift. I think I’d squeeze every last dime out of her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s bratty and almost strange that they felt comfortable/empowered enough to do that to an aunt. Must be you are close? I can see my tween acting that way for DH and I but never an aunt.

Op here. They come From a working class background and DH and I are more upper middle class, and sometimes I wonder if that’s a factor. They seem to be very much in gimme mode whenever I’m with them, like they are CONSTANTLY trying to get things from me-starbucks, McDonald’s, clothes, etc.

I try to be generous and fair but it’s non stop. I took them to Starbucks yesterday, let them each get whatever they wanted....then today we walked by Starbucks a few times and each time asking to go in. It’s like it’s never enough, they always want more.

I would be effing mortified if my DS4 did this stuff.....

That is definitely the main factor. Next time, set limits as a pp mentioned, but it's easy to see how tweens would act in this situation.

Op here. So they just assume since we have more money than them that I should buy them whatever, whenever?

Most importantly, how do I prevent my own kids from turning out this way??????

If you set limits with your kids at home, they don't go to other people's houses and assume that everything is fair game for them. It's just a way of thinking.

[Anonymous]

OP, I remember from childhood when I didn't want to do something my feet would be killing me which didn't help my mood. If it was something I was interested in, I was foot loose and fancy free. It just may be that age.

Also, did they eat differently when they were visiting you compared to their diet at home? You mentioned early on that they would eat simple carbs all the time if they had their choice - if the food was different, it may have messed with their blood sugar, making them hangry and cranky. Of course healthier food is better, but dietary changes may have had an impact on their behavior in the short term.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Well the old west town has been a hit with other visitors. There’s a stunt show/gun fighting, a magic show, little shops, a place to mine for gold, a haunted train ride through a grave yard, and even horses you can ride and feed. We also had lunch there in an old timey outdoor picnic/covered wagon kind of camp. Plus we got homemade ice cream.

The shirt thing was at a local university I’m encouraging them to consider. I don’t think anyone has ever talked to them about college,?s so I took them to the college to buy t shirts and walk around for literally 15 minutes and yeah I wanted the cute photo op of them in their college shirts. That was also a complaint-fest.

My 12 year old tween DD would hate that. And no she's not bratty. Did you entertain other tween girls and boys this summer and take them to this exhibit and it was a hit with them? OP, I am sure you mean well, but making stereotypes based on their income levels and genders really rubs the wrong way. You think your two DS's won't be bratty or annoying when they're tweens? Even with family members? Hilarious, that's a great joke. Keep on believing that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Well the old west town has been a hit with other visitors. There’s a stunt show/gun fighting, a magic show, little shops, a place to mine for gold, a haunted train ride through a grave yard, and even horses you can ride and feed. We also had lunch there in an old timey outdoor picnic/covered wagon kind of camp. Plus we got homemade ice cream.

The shirt thing was at a local university I’m encouraging them to consider. I don’t think anyone has ever talked to them about college,?s so I took them to the college to buy t shirts and walk around for literally 15 minutes and yeah I wanted the cute photo op of them in their college shirts. That was also a complaint-fest.

My 12 year old tween DD would hate that. And no she's not bratty. Did you entertain other tween girls and boys this summer and take them to this exhibit and it was a hit with them? OP, I am sure you mean well, but making stereotypes based on their income levels and genders really rubs the wrong way. You think your two DS's won't be bratty or annoying when they're tweens? Even with family members? Hilarious, that's a great joke. Keep on believing that.

Op here. Um I guess thanks for the Monday morning quarterbacking?

If you look up thread, I describe the plan we made jointly for the weekend.

In addition to them being the age that they are, there’s three of them with three sets of preferences.

And the pandemic makes options pretty limited for what activities we can do.

So what I’m supposed to just leave it up to them the whole trip? If I did that it would be driving from one Starbucks to another with stops at McDonald’s in between along with a dozen hours of iPad time per day.

I sent them links for each activity I wanted to do in advance, and they were on board. One of the kids liked the pioneer village. Another kid didn’t but she got to go on a horseback ride through a dude ranch/mountain trail and she enjoyed that part.