Brat or typical tween behavior?

[Anonymous]

I spoil my niece because I like to. And would give any family member my old iPhone in a second. It sounds like you need to let them know what the plan is for the days they are with you. If you’re opposed to buying Starbucks, go to the grocery and let them make it at home. Have things planned when they visit. They are not toddlers playing with toys. I don’t get what your problem is.

[Anonymous]

OP, I’m sure your toddlers are an absolute joy to watch! Waiting for the review from their sitter. I’m sure the sitter can’t eat YOUR food.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I spoil my niece because I like to. And would give any family member my old iPhone in a second. It sounds like you need to let them know what the plan is for the days they are with you. If you’re opposed to buying Starbucks, go to the grocery and let them make it at home. Have things planned when they visit. They are not toddlers playing with toys. I don’t get what your problem is.

Op here. The iPhone is broken (like straight up shattered on the back), so no I’m not giving it to them.

If you look at my PPs you’ll see we did plan together. We had several FaceTime calls and emails to plan, not to mention each day we huddled up in the morning to plan the day.

I’m not super into buying them things, I’d rather spend my money on giving them experiences, which is what I do.

I don’t think kids this young need daily starbucks, whether from the grocery store or from the actual coffee shop so no. All they want are the giant milkshakes anyway-definitely not a daily type of food.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m sure your toddlers are an absolute joy to watch! Waiting for the review from their sitter. I’m sure the sitter can’t eat YOUR food.

why defend bratty tweens unless you are raising bratty tweens?

[Anonymous]

.

FA=Loans unless you are at an Ivy basically. OP better step up and pay. The nieces’ pessimistic attitude toward college is reality unfortunately.

Op here. There’s no tuition for families making under $60k I think. They would without question qualify for that. They would also be the first in their family to go to college. They would be able to pull it off and of course we will help them as much as we can, financially and operationally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m sure your toddlers are an absolute joy to watch! Waiting for the review from their sitter. I’m sure the sitter can’t eat YOUR food.

Op here. We’ve had the same nanny since our kids were born 4 years ago so she’s pretty happy, thanks

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like you want to be handed a medal for having your nieces and showing them, gasp, a college. My 12yo would not more be interested in touring a college than she would be in shooting a hole in her head. I feel you are out of touch with this age demographic AND also mag have some issues/problems with this family you are not getting into here, like you expected them to treat you as a hero for taking them to a Tweetsie Railroad type of place and a college? Yeah, tweens are way more complicated and HONEST than toddlers and will call it as they see it.

I could totally see them getting flat out offended by the college tour.

Op here. Ok so more background-DH and I both work at the university and it’s one of the most beautiful campuses I’ve ever seen.

What we did was talk about what each of them wanted to be when they grow up. One said teacher, the other said flight attendant, the other said a nanny. We tried to brainstorm other ideas/thoughts and then walked to the respective colleges to do pics in front of them, thinking someday maybe they would go to this university and that’s where they would study. So we took pics in front of the college of education for the one that wanted to be a teacher, etc.

They did not know what a university is, or what college is, or even when you go there. And then they said they can’t go to college because they can’t afford it. We were telling them yes you can!! There are scholarships, financial aid, etc. and we told them we would help them apply and figure it all out.

I guess I didn’t expect this would be thrilling but I feel like it’s important. I can’t remember when I knew about college but it was definitely by age 12......

Yikes. OP, I know you think you were doing the right thing but in one fell swoop you let your (negative) judgement about them and their thoughts/dreams come shining through. No wonder they were tweening it up with you. No one likes to feel judged. You had the right intentions but you went about it completely the wrong way. I am the mom of middle school girls and I am a middle school teacher btw.

Agreed, OP this was over the top, especially since it was a forced outing

Completely disagree. IF they do not have any support around pursuing college you are letting them know that you are a person in their lives that is available and interested in that goal for them should they want it. I would continue to give them this message throughout their teens.

At 9/10/12? And walking through a college and buying shirts for a photo op? No, that’s over the top

I get the gesture but this isn’t the Big Brother/Big Sister Program. No one likes to feel like they need someone to swoop in and “rescue” them from their circumstances.

How is auntie being interested in their thoughts about the future and even little conversations about college "swooping in to rescue them from circumstances" those are entirely normal conversations to have with nieces and nephews in my extended family. They normally last all of 5 minutes like most other tween conversations.

This wasn’t 5 minutes of conversation. Sounds more like 90 minutes.

I think complaining about walking was their way of expressing that they didn’t want to do the activity.

OK but oh well. Learn how to be good guest and that includes going on a walk with auntie if auntie wants to go on a walk. IF auntie wants to show you where she works- you will go and you will cooperate and believe it or not - you can even find value in it if you put down your darn phone.

Op here. The activity in its entirety was maybe 90 minutes, but that included:
-seeing DH and my offices (we are both professors there)
-going to the bookstore (not just for the shirts-they also wanted to look at souvenirs)
-getting dinner from grub hub delivered to us on campus and eating it there
-taking pics

I don’t understand how encouraging them to think about their future and telling them this university is an option is judgemental?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like you want to be handed a medal for having your nieces and showing them, gasp, a college. My 12yo would not more be interested in touring a college than she would be in shooting a hole in her head. I feel you are out of touch with this age demographic AND also mag have some issues/problems with this family you are not getting into here, like you expected them to treat you as a hero for taking them to a Tweetsie Railroad type of place and a college? Yeah, tweens are way more complicated and HONEST than toddlers and will call it as they see it.

I could totally see them getting flat out offended by the college tour.

Op here. Ok so more background-DH and I both work at the university and it’s one of the most beautiful campuses I’ve ever seen.

What we did was talk about what each of them wanted to be when they grow up. One said teacher, the other said flight attendant, the other said a nanny. We tried to brainstorm other ideas/thoughts and then walked to the respective colleges to do pics in front of them, thinking someday maybe they would go to this university and that’s where they would study. So we took pics in front of the college of education for the one that wanted to be a teacher, etc.

They did not know what a university is, or what college is, or even when you go there. And then they said they can’t go to college because they can’t afford it. We were telling them yes you can!! There are scholarships, financial aid, etc. and we told them we would help them apply and figure it all out.

I guess I didn’t expect this would be thrilling but I feel like it’s important. I can’t remember when I knew about college but it was definitely by age 12......

Yikes. OP, I know you think you were doing the right thing but in one fell swoop you let your (negative) judgement about them and their thoughts/dreams come shining through. No wonder they were tweening it up with you. No one likes to feel judged. You had the right intentions but you went about it completely the wrong way. I am the mom of middle school girls and I am a middle school teacher btw.

Agreed, OP this was over the top, especially since it was a forced outing

Completely disagree. IF they do not have any support around pursuing college you are letting them know that you are a person in their lives that is available and interested in that goal for them should they want it. I would continue to give them this message throughout their teens.

At 9/10/12? And walking through a college and buying shirts for a photo op? No, that’s over the top

I get the gesture but this isn’t the Big Brother/Big Sister Program. No one likes to feel like they need someone to swoop in and “rescue” them from their circumstances.

How is auntie being interested in their thoughts about the future and even little conversations about college "swooping in to rescue them from circumstances" those are entirely normal conversations to have with nieces and nephews in my extended family. They normally last all of 5 minutes like most other tween conversations.

This wasn’t 5 minutes of conversation. Sounds more like 90 minutes.

I think complaining about walking was their way of expressing that they didn’t want to do the activity.

OK but oh well. Learn how to be good guest and that includes going on a walk with auntie if auntie wants to go on a walk. IF auntie wants to show you where she works- you will go and you will cooperate and believe it or not - you can even find value in it if you put down your darn phone.

Op here. The activity in its entirety was maybe 90 minutes, but that included:
-seeing DH and my offices (we are both professors there)
-going to the bookstore (not just for the shirts-they also wanted to look at souvenirs)
-getting dinner from grub hub delivered to us on campus and eating it there
-taking pics

I don’t understand how encouraging them to think about their future and telling them this university is an option is judgemental?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The more I read, the more I am coming down on the side of “typical tween behavior” meets “wrong-sized and inexperienced expectations.”

Op here. It is disappointing. I want to like them more and it makes me sad that they are so hard to enjoy. But I recognize this is my problem, not theirs.

When I was 9-12, my family was very active, we went to museums, we went for bike rides, we went swimming, etc....so now kids just kinda like, sit at home on iPads while eating?

My nieces came from another state entirely and there are things to do in my state that are way different from their home state. I thought it would be cool to expose them to different things, which I guess I did.

Well, you're obese by your own admission so how did that work out for you?

I think you're pushing your own classist garbage on these kids and they may be feeding off of that.

Also, don't worry, your sons will be complete terrors by the time they are tweens. It's guaranteed.

Op here. I know this is going to blow your mind but there are obese people who enjoy doing physical activities. My interest in getting the girls out to do activities has nothing to do with their bodies or changing them-I just want to do things because they are fun and interesting things to do and these activities don’t exist in their home state.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you put thought and effort into the visit and they are not well trained in how to cooperate and express appreciation but that is OK. It sounds like a great visit with effort made to show your nieces about things you think are important and to offer them fun experiences you thought they would enjoy.


Just because they would have chosen to drink starbucks and watch TV all weekend doesn't mean that is what you should have done. What a waste that would have been. don't worry about if they enjoyed it or why you are struggling to enjoy them.

They are kids and you are an adult and you made quality adult decisions about the weekend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you really want them to go to college you’ll have to offer specific dollar amounts you’re willing to pay. If her parents say “We’ll figure it out,” that’s code for parent plus loans and debt hell. Plenty of people feel the need to delay college because it’s not affordable at that time. 529s are also not common knowledge in most of the country.

Op here. Our university is tuition free or very nearly so for families making under a certain threshold. They also are from a state with a very small population and they are the first ones in their family to go to college. They are biracial and bilingual. If they want to do this, I believe it can work financially for them. We will help too, financially if we can and operationally as much as possible.

[Anonymous]

All of those things, especially being from an under represented state, are great for applying to college but what is the deal with your brother? It sounds like you should invite them to come and stay for longer next summer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of the complaining is normal kid behavior, and some of it is also quarantine behavior - I know my own 11 year old is sometimes punchy out of nowhere these days in a way we didn't see when she was going to school out of the house and participating in favorite activities.

As for the walking piece, OP - I have one kid who loves to walk and can hike for miles, and then there's the 11 year old, who will hike only at Girl Scout camp. She can swim for hours, but walking is usually not her favorite.

You asked in one of your posts here how you can help your own kids develop better attitudes/sense about money and grateful behavior. Talk about how much things cost and give your kids a chance to have a budget.

When my daughter was younger and crazy about American Girl dolls she got gift cards to that store as a gift for many holidays - and boy if she didn't learn how to budget out that money down to the penny to be sure she was really getting exactly what she wanted. I also remember taking her to to the grocery store in that phase and the look on her face when she saw the total - and then she said to me, "that's as much as an American Girl doll!" Realizing a week's worth of groceries and a doll she wanted were the same price made more sense to her than me saying, "that's expensive and I don't think you need another one."

Op here. Thanks for the ideas. I’ll apply them to my own kids as they get older.

With the not walking thing-does your DD’s not wanting to walk extend to things as simple as, walking from the parking lot to an activity and back? Like, ok they aren’t hikers, I get it. I’ve got to meet them where they are on that. But even when we went to the hotel, which did involve a 10-15 minute walk from parking lot to the pool, they were whining and I felt a little confused/exasperated-like Ok does this mean you don’t want to go to the pool? Like can you see that there is no parking right next to the pool? What do you want me to do about this? Should we just go home? I was carrying a ton of stuff and trying to corral them and diagnose the problem and figure out what they wanted and felt very frustrated in the moment but we got through it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you really want them to go to college you’ll have to offer specific dollar amounts you’re willing to pay. If her parents say “We’ll figure it out,” that’s code for parent plus loans and debt hell. Plenty of people feel the need to delay college because it’s not affordable at that time. 529s are also not common knowledge in most of the country.

Op here. Our university is tuition free or very nearly so for families making under a certain threshold. They also are from a state with a very small population and they are the first ones in their family to go to college. They are biracial and bilingual. If they want to do this, I believe it can work financially for them. We will help too, financially if we can and operationally as much as possible.

You probably already know this but most schools that have that kind of financial aid threshold don't actually accept very many kids who qualify for it. Those acceptances are hard to get and the kids often struggle because of gaps in what the aid covers. If you want this to be possible for then you would need to see them more and to also help them financially with the gaps that happen. So many kids on those scholarships are forced to drop out or take loans.

I was fortunate to have caring aunts but i also had the benefit of having highly educated parents even though they were divorced and we were low income. I think you need to be more involved if you want this for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you really want them to go to college you’ll have to offer specific dollar amounts you’re willing to pay. If her parents say “We’ll figure it out,” that’s code for parent plus loans and debt hell. Plenty of people feel the need to delay college because it’s not affordable at that time. 529s are also not common knowledge in most of the country.

Op here. Our university is tuition free or very nearly so for families making under a certain threshold. They also are from a state with a very small population and they are the first ones in their family to go to college. They are biracial and bilingual. If they want to do this, I believe it can work financially for them. We will help too, financially if we can and operationally as much as possible.

You probably already know this but most schools that have that kind of financial aid threshold don't actually accept very many kids who qualify for it. Those acceptances are hard to get and the kids often struggle because of gaps in what the aid covers. If you want this to be possible for then you would need to see them more and to also help them financially with the gaps that happen. So many kids on those scholarships are forced to drop out or take loans.

I was fortunate to have caring aunts but i also had the benefit of having highly educated parents even though they were divorced and we were low income. I think you need to be more involved if you want this for them.

Op here. Well at this point it’s just a matter of exposing them to the idea and seeing what they end up wanting to do. There’s no magic bullet but I do think they have some advantages going for them and I believe it can be done if it turns out to be what they want. Time will have to tell. I’m doing what I can.