Tell me what divorce will be like

[Anonymous]

Lock down money for the kids for therapy and for the kids for college in signed agreements before former partners
move on to new partners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got divorced 20 years ago after 25 years married. I'll tell you what it's like, it's great. My husband wasn't all that bad but I knew it was time for a divorce. I did wait until my kids were both out of high school so I did not experience, or force them to experience, the trauma of divorce with young kids. Good luck OP.

The trauma is worse for teens and college students

I can understand teens, but college students? Come on. You're an adult, you have sexual and relationship experience, you should be able to "get" why these things happen. Also, you're out of the house, so it's not affecting your daily life like it does for kids still living at home (e.g., now going back and forth between two houses).

Are you kidding me? You actually expect a 20/ 21 year old college student to "get" why his/ her family crumbled after all these years? You equate his/ her little relationship experience with understanding the complicated emotional messes of people of his/ her parents' generation?

No way.

And yes, it may not affect you deeply every single day like it would have if you were still living at home, but believe me, the emotional impact of the devastation of the home you thought you had, behind you and supporting you, not being there, can be just as catastrophic. And I don't use that word lightly.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You will be the booty call of lots of a$$holes you will find online. You will certainly catch HPV.

You will not get married again, unless you find a man in the same situation as you. Your next spouse will probably be 15 years older than you or more.

You will be doing the childcaring on your own. Your kids will get messed up and need therapy. Your DH will move on and have a new family.

Your HHI will be impacted. It is rough out there.

PP here. I got HPV from my husband. 50% of women get it by age 50. Not a big deal.
Who cares about getting remarried? Never again.
50/50 custody—I will be doing less childcare, actually
Kids will not need therapy. They will be fine. Their life will not change that much.
(I am messed up from parents who stayed married in a terrible marriage.)
DH is done with kids. Unlikely to remarry ever: but if he does, I am ok with it. He will get a prenup to protect kids’ assets.
Who cares about HHI? Yes, it will be less. But I am 40% of the wealth. My quality of life will decrease. It is worth the emotional cost of staying in a marriage wasting more years that will ultimately end in divorce anyway.

You are making huge assumptions about divorce that are not universally true.

I am seriously worried for your children. Your cavalier "their life will not change that much, therefore they will be fine" attitude is horrifying.

My mother was severely mentally ill—that is absolutely no comparison and they will have a much easier time growing up regardless of a divorce or not compared to the hell that I went through. They are going to be just fine . Better off than I ever was in almost every way possible. People can be committed coparent without being married; other people do in other countries all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You will be the booty call of lots of a$$holes you will find online. You will certainly catch HPV.

You will not get married again, unless you find a man in the same situation as you. Your next spouse will probably be 15 years older than you or more.

You will be doing the childcaring on your own. Your kids will get messed up and need therapy. Your DH will move on and have a new family.

Your HHI will be impacted. It is rough out there.

PP here. I got HPV from my husband. 50% of women get it by age 50. Not a big deal.
Who cares about getting remarried? Never again.
50/50 custody—I will be doing less childcare, actually
Kids will not need therapy. They will be fine. Their life will not change that much.
(I am messed up from parents who stayed married in a terrible marriage.)
DH is done with kids. Unlikely to remarry ever: but if he does, I am ok with it. He will get a prenup to protect kids’ assets.
Who cares about HHI? Yes, it will be less. But I am 40% of the wealth. My quality of life will decrease. It is worth the emotional cost of staying in a marriage wasting more years that will ultimately end in divorce anyway.

You are making huge assumptions about divorce that are not universally true.

LOL, you think you can tell in advance that they won't need therapy? What a joke. Nobody can predict that. And double LOL to the idea your DH and his new wife will agree to a prenup. New wives look out for their own children first. It is you making huge assumptions!

Neither of us is interested in remarrying ever. He would also never marry anyone with children and he does not want more children. My kids will not need therapy. Their lives will hardly change at all. Only difference is that they will spend time with us separately. We will be nesting for a few years. They have never known us to share a bedroom. Not much will change.

Oh honey. You are in denial. Do not believe what your STBX says! He is telling you what you want to hear so that you won't try to lock down money for the kids. They will definitelt need therapy, because their mother is delusional.

I’m pretty sure I know my husband a lot better than you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You will be the booty call of lots of a$$holes you will find online. You will certainly catch HPV.

You will not get married again, unless you find a man in the same situation as you. Your next spouse will probably be 15 years older than you or more.

You will be doing the childcaring on your own. Your kids will get messed up and need therapy. Your DH will move on and have a new family.

Your HHI will be impacted. It is rough out there.

PP here. I got HPV from my husband. 50% of women get it by age 50. Not a big deal.
Who cares about getting remarried? Never again.
50/50 custody—I will be doing less childcare, actually
Kids will not need therapy. They will be fine. Their life will not change that much.
(I am messed up from parents who stayed married in a terrible marriage.)
DH is done with kids. Unlikely to remarry ever: but if he does, I am ok with it. He will get a prenup to protect kids’ assets.
Who cares about HHI? Yes, it will be less. But I am 40% of the wealth. My quality of life will decrease. It is worth the emotional cost of staying in a marriage wasting more years that will ultimately end in divorce anyway.

You are making huge assumptions about divorce that are not universally true.

I am seriously worried for your children. Your cavalier "their life will not change that much, therefore they will be fine" attitude is horrifying.

My mother was severely mentally ill—that is absolutely no comparison and they will have a much easier time growing up regardless of a divorce or not compared to the hell that I went through. They are going to be just fine . Better off than I ever was in almost every way possible. People can be committed coparent without being married; other people do in other countries all the time.

Well, PP, with all due respect, I have to say this explains a lot. I truly hope that you have been in serious therapy yourself -- growing up with a mentally ill mother is one of the most cruel fates I can imagine. And again, with complete respect and I mean this kindly, I'm afraid that some of your comments here show how it has impacted your own emotional state and relationship with your kids.

I wish you much peace and I hope that you all get the support you need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You will be the booty call of lots of a$$holes you will find online. You will certainly catch HPV.

You will not get married again, unless you find a man in the same situation as you. Your next spouse will probably be 15 years older than you or more.

You will be doing the childcaring on your own. Your kids will get messed up and need therapy. Your DH will move on and have a new family.

Your HHI will be impacted. It is rough out there.

PP here. I got HPV from my husband. 50% of women get it by age 50. Not a big deal.
Who cares about getting remarried? Never again.
50/50 custody—I will be doing less childcare, actually
Kids will not need therapy. They will be fine. Their life will not change that much.
(I am messed up from parents who stayed married in a terrible marriage.)
DH is done with kids. Unlikely to remarry ever: but if he does, I am ok with it. He will get a prenup to protect kids’ assets.
Who cares about HHI? Yes, it will be less. But I am 40% of the wealth. My quality of life will decrease. It is worth the emotional cost of staying in a marriage wasting more years that will ultimately end in divorce anyway.

You are making huge assumptions about divorce that are not universally true.

I am seriously worried for your children. Your cavalier "their life will not change that much, therefore they will be fine" attitude is horrifying.

My mother was severely mentally ill—that is absolutely no comparison and they will have a much easier time growing up regardless of a divorce or not compared to the hell that I went through. They are going to be just fine . Better off than I ever was in almost every way possible. People can be committed coparent without being married; other people do in other countries all the time.

Well, PP, with all due respect, I have to say this explains a lot. I truly hope that you have been in serious therapy yourself -- growing up with a mentally ill mother is one of the most cruel fates I can imagine. And again, with complete respect and I mean this kindly, I'm afraid that some of your comments here show how it has impacted your own emotional state and relationship with your kids.

I wish you much peace and I hope that you all get the support you need.

My relationship with my kids is just fine as is my husbands relationship with our kids. They really will be OK I’m really tired of people acting like divorce has to be this big disaster. As much as you divorce fear mongers don’t wanted minute there is such a thing as amicable divorce. People can be committed and good coparents. Just the institution of marriage does not mean that is the only way to do it when the relationship is not working at all and will never improve and when a divorce is inevitable. I’ve seen many people who has had divorced parents who turned out just fine and in fact many of them turned out better than people whose parents stayed married and miserable marriages. it’s the parents— not the divorce itselfZ

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorces affect kids, high school students, college students
and young adults of all ages.

Parents are in pretty major denial in thinking a divorce will
not affect kids to young adults (20 somethings).

So what are you supposed to do if behavior has emerged in your marriage that is intolerable?

Wait until the kids die, of course.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You will be the booty call of lots of a$$holes you will find online. You will certainly catch HPV.

You will not get married again, unless you find a man in the same situation as you. Your next spouse will probably be 15 years older than you or more.

You will be doing the childcaring on your own. Your kids will get messed up and need therapy. Your DH will move on and have a new family.

Your HHI will be impacted. It is rough out there.

PP here. I got HPV from my husband. 50% of women get it by age 50. Not a big deal.
Who cares about getting remarried? Never again.
50/50 custody—I will be doing less childcare, actually
Kids will not need therapy. They will be fine. Their life will not change that much.
(I am messed up from parents who stayed married in a terrible marriage.)
DH is done with kids. Unlikely to remarry ever: but if he does, I am ok with it. He will get a prenup to protect kids’ assets.
Who cares about HHI? Yes, it will be less. But I am 40% of the wealth. My quality of life will decrease. It is worth the emotional cost of staying in a marriage wasting more years that will ultimately end in divorce anyway.

You are making huge assumptions about divorce that are not universally true.

LOL, you think you can tell in advance that they won't need therapy? What a joke. Nobody can predict that. And double LOL to the idea your DH and his new wife will agree to a prenup. New wives look out for their own children first. It is you making huge assumptions!

Neither of us is interested in remarrying ever. He would also never marry anyone with children and he does not want more children. My kids will not need therapy. Their lives will hardly change at all. Only difference is that they will spend time with us separately. We will be nesting for a few years. They have never known us to share a bedroom. Not much will change.

Oh honey. You are in denial. Do not believe what your STBX says! He is telling you what you want to hear so that you won't try to lock down money for the kids. They will definitelt need therapy, because their mother is delusional.

I’m pretty sure I know my husband a lot better than you

Bet you thought you knew him when you married him too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You will be the booty call of lots of a$$holes you will find online. You will certainly catch HPV.

You will not get married again, unless you find a man in the same situation as you. Your next spouse will probably be 15 years older than you or more.

You will be doing the childcaring on your own. Your kids will get messed up and need therapy. Your DH will move on and have a new family.

Your HHI will be impacted. It is rough out there.

PP here. I got HPV from my husband. 50% of women get it by age 50. Not a big deal.
Who cares about getting remarried? Never again.
50/50 custody—I will be doing less childcare, actually
Kids will not need therapy. They will be fine. Their life will not change that much.
(I am messed up from parents who stayed married in a terrible marriage.)
DH is done with kids. Unlikely to remarry ever: but if he does, I am ok with it. He will get a prenup to protect kids’ assets.
Who cares about HHI? Yes, it will be less. But I am 40% of the wealth. My quality of life will decrease. It is worth the emotional cost of staying in a marriage wasting more years that will ultimately end in divorce anyway.

You are making huge assumptions about divorce that are not universally true.

I am seriously worried for your children. Your cavalier "their life will not change that much, therefore they will be fine" attitude is horrifying.

My mother was severely mentally ill—that is absolutely no comparison and they will have a much easier time growing up regardless of a divorce or not compared to the hell that I went through. They are going to be just fine . Better off than I ever was in almost every way possible. People can be committed coparent without being married; other people do in other countries all the time.

Well, PP, with all due respect, I have to say this explains a lot. I truly hope that you have been in serious therapy yourself -- growing up with a mentally ill mother is one of the most cruel fates I can imagine. And again, with complete respect and I mean this kindly, I'm afraid that some of your comments here show how it has impacted your own emotional state and relationship with your kids.

I wish you much peace and I hope that you all get the support you need.

My relationship with my kids is just fine as is my husbands relationship with our kids. They really will be OK I’m really tired of people acting like divorce has to be this big disaster. As much as you divorce fear mongers don’t wanted minute there is such a thing as amicable divorce. People can be committed and good coparents. Just the institution of marriage does not mean that is the only way to do it when the relationship is not working at all and will never improve and when a divorce is inevitable. I’ve seen many people who has had divorced parents who turned out just fine and in fact many of them turned out better than people whose parents stayed married and miserable marriages. it’s the parents— not the divorce itselfZ

That can happen when the parents are realistic and acknow?edge the harm and loss the children are experiencing and parent appropriately. That isn't the kind of divorce you are having, because you are in denial. Good luck to your children, they will have an uphill climb if you are unwilling to acknowledge and support them if they need therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got divorced 20 years ago after 25 years married. I'll tell you what it's like, it's great. My husband wasn't all that bad but I knew it was time for a divorce. I did wait until my kids were both out of high school so I did not experience, or force them to experience, the trauma of divorce with young kids. Good luck OP.

The trauma is worse for teens and college students

I can understand teens, but college students? Come on. You're an adult, you have sexual and relationship experience, you should be able to "get" why these things happen. Also, you're out of the house, so it's not affecting your daily life like it does for kids still living at home (e.g., now going back and forth between two houses).

Are you kidding me? You actually expect a 20/ 21 year old college student to "get" why his/ her family crumbled after all these years? You equate his/ her little relationship experience with understanding the complicated emotional messes of people of his/ her parents' generation?

No way.

And yes, it may not affect you deeply every single day like it would have if you were still living at home, but believe me, the emotional impact of the devastation of the home you thought you had, behind you and supporting you, not being there, can be just as catastrophic. And I don't use that word lightly.

+1000

I am the PP of this comment above. My divorce did not traumatize my 18 yr old or my 23 yr old who was married himself by then. Probably because my ex and I didn't behave traumatically. 20 years later and we have been friends all this time. So maybe teens and college kids are traumatized worse than young kids but I doubt it. Mine certainly weren't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got divorced 20 years ago after 25 years married. I'll tell you what it's like, it's great. My husband wasn't all that bad but I knew it was time for a divorce. I did wait until my kids were both out of high school so I did not experience, or force them to experience, the trauma of divorce with young kids. Good luck OP.

The trauma is worse for teens and college students

I can understand teens, but college students? Come on. You're an adult, you have sexual and relationship experience, you should be able to "get" why these things happen. Also, you're out of the house, so it's not affecting your daily life like it does for kids still living at home (e.g., now going back and forth between two houses).

Are you kidding me? You actually expect a 20/ 21 year old college student to "get" why his/ her family crumbled after all these years? You equate his/ her little relationship experience with understanding the complicated emotional messes of people of his/ her parents' generation?

No way.

And yes, it may not affect you deeply every single day like it would have if you were still living at home, but believe me, the emotional impact of the devastation of the home you thought you had, behind you and supporting you, not being there, can be just as catastrophic. And I don't use that word lightly.

+1000

I am the PP of this comment above. My divorce did not traumatize my 18 yr old or my 23 yr old who was married himself by then. Probably because my ex and I didn't behave traumatically. 20 years later and we have been friends all this time. So maybe teens and college kids are traumatized worse than young kids but I doubt it. Mine certainly weren't.

What do you believe the chances are that your son will stay married?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You will be the booty call of lots of a$$holes you will find online. You will certainly catch HPV.

You will not get married again, unless you find a man in the same situation as you. Your next spouse will probably be 15 years older than you or more.

You will be doing the childcaring on your own. Your kids will get messed up and need therapy. Your DH will move on and have a new family.

Your HHI will be impacted. It is rough out there.

PP here. I got HPV from my husband. 50% of women get it by age 50. Not a big deal.
Who cares about getting remarried? Never again.
50/50 custody—I will be doing less childcare, actually
Kids will not need therapy. They will be fine. Their life will not change that much.
(I am messed up from parents who stayed married in a terrible marriage.)
DH is done with kids. Unlikely to remarry ever: but if he does, I am ok with it. He will get a prenup to protect kids’ assets.
Who cares about HHI? Yes, it will be less. But I am 40% of the wealth. My quality of life will decrease. It is worth the emotional cost of staying in a marriage wasting more years that will ultimately end in divorce anyway.

You are making huge assumptions about divorce that are not universally true.

LOL, you think you can tell in advance that they won't need therapy? What a joke. Nobody can predict that. And double LOL to the idea your DH and his new wife will agree to a prenup. New wives look out for their own children first. It is you making huge assumptions!

Neither of us is interested in remarrying ever. He would also never marry anyone with children and he does not want more children. My kids will not need therapy. Their lives will hardly change at all. Only difference is that they will spend time with us separately. We will be nesting for a few years. They have never known us to share a bedroom. Not much will change.

Oh honey. You are in denial. Do not believe what your STBX says! He is telling you what you want to hear so that you won't try to lock down money for the kids. They will definitelt need therapy, because their mother is delusional.

I’m pretty sure I know my husband a lot better than you

Bet you thought you knew him when you married him too.

I knew him...I almost cancelled the wedding. He was supposed to prove me wrong. He didn’t. Everything I said would happen, happened. We are logical people...not emotional people. We know we can divorce well even though the marriage never should have happened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You will be the booty call of lots of a$$holes you will find online. You will certainly catch HPV.

You will not get married again, unless you find a man in the same situation as you. Your next spouse will probably be 15 years older than you or more.

You will be doing the childcaring on your own. Your kids will get messed up and need therapy. Your DH will move on and have a new family.

Your HHI will be impacted. It is rough out there.

PP here. I got HPV from my husband. 50% of women get it by age 50. Not a big deal.
Who cares about getting remarried? Never again.
50/50 custody—I will be doing less childcare, actually
Kids will not need therapy. They will be fine. Their life will not change that much.
(I am messed up from parents who stayed married in a terrible marriage.)
DH is done with kids. Unlikely to remarry ever: but if he does, I am ok with it. He will get a prenup to protect kids’ assets.
Who cares about HHI? Yes, it will be less. But I am 40% of the wealth. My quality of life will decrease. It is worth the emotional cost of staying in a marriage wasting more years that will ultimately end in divorce anyway.

You are making huge assumptions about divorce that are not universally true.

I am seriously worried for your children. Your cavalier "their life will not change that much, therefore they will be fine" attitude is horrifying.

My mother was severely mentally ill—that is absolutely no comparison and they will have a much easier time growing up regardless of a divorce or not compared to the hell that I went through. They are going to be just fine . Better off than I ever was in almost every way possible. People can be committed coparent without being married; other people do in other countries all the time.

Well, PP, with all due respect, I have to say this explains a lot. I truly hope that you have been in serious therapy yourself -- growing up with a mentally ill mother is one of the most cruel fates I can imagine. And again, with complete respect and I mean this kindly, I'm afraid that some of your comments here show how it has impacted your own emotional state and relationship with your kids.

I wish you much peace and I hope that you all get the support you need.

My relationship with my kids is just fine as is my husbands relationship with our kids. They really will be OK I’m really tired of people acting like divorce has to be this big disaster. As much as you divorce fear mongers don’t wanted minute there is such a thing as amicable divorce. People can be committed and good coparents. Just the institution of marriage does not mean that is the only way to do it when the relationship is not working at all and will never improve and when a divorce is inevitable. I’ve seen many people who has had divorced parents who turned out just fine and in fact many of them turned out better than people whose parents stayed married and miserable marriages. it’s the parents— not the divorce itselfZ

That can happen when the parents are realistic and acknow?edge the harm and loss the children are experiencing and parent appropriately. That isn't the kind of divorce you are having, because you are in denial. Good luck to your children, they will have an uphill climb if you are unwilling to acknowledge and support them if they need therapy.

Not in denial. What part of an amicable divorce with very little transition do you not understand? There is no uphill battle. First world problems. Divorce is not the end of the world. Stop acting like it is a horrific catastrophe. If they struggle, of course I would get someone to talk to them—I just do not see that being the case. This is not a bad divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorces affect kids, high school students, college students
and young adults of all ages.

Parents are in pretty major denial in thinking a divorce will
not affect kids to young adults (20 somethings).

So what are you supposed to do if behavior has emerged in your marriage that is intolerable?

Wait until the kids die, of course.

LOL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You will be the booty call of lots of a$$holes you will find online. You will certainly catch HPV.

You will not get married again, unless you find a man in the same situation as you. Your next spouse will probably be 15 years older than you or more.

You will be doing the childcaring on your own. Your kids will get messed up and need therapy. Your DH will move on and have a new family.

Your HHI will be impacted. It is rough out there.

PP here. I got HPV from my husband. 50% of women get it by age 50. Not a big deal.
Who cares about getting remarried? Never again.
50/50 custody—I will be doing less childcare, actually
Kids will not need therapy. They will be fine. Their life will not change that much.
(I am messed up from parents who stayed married in a terrible marriage.)
DH is done with kids. Unlikely to remarry ever: but if he does, I am ok with it. He will get a prenup to protect kids’ assets.
Who cares about HHI? Yes, it will be less. But I am 40% of the wealth. My quality of life will decrease. It is worth the emotional cost of staying in a marriage wasting more years that will ultimately end in divorce anyway.

You are making huge assumptions about divorce that are not universally true.

LOL, you think you can tell in advance that they won't need therapy? What a joke. Nobody can predict that. And double LOL to the idea your DH and his new wife will agree to a prenup. New wives look out for their own children first. It is you making huge assumptions!

Neither of us is interested in remarrying ever. He would also never marry anyone with children and he does not want more children. My kids will not need therapy. Their lives will hardly change at all. Only difference is that they will spend time with us separately. We will be nesting for a few years. They have never known us to share a bedroom. Not much will change.

Oh honey. You are in denial. Do not believe what your STBX says! He is telling you what you want to hear so that you won't try to lock down money for the kids. They will definitelt need therapy, because their mother is delusional.

I’m pretty sure I know my husband a lot better than you

Bet you thought you knew him when you married him too.

I knew him...I almost cancelled the wedding. He was supposed to prove me wrong. He didn’t. Everything I said would happen, happened. We are logical people...not emotional people. We know we can divorce well even though the marriage never should have happened.

And yet- you went ahead with the wedding proving that you are not logical at all