What didn't you understand until you were a parent and now you do

[Anonymous]

It never ends, the worry, the caring. My kids are 20 and 18 and I am as worried today as I was everyday. And I am not referring to some mental illness style worry. Just, are they sick, are they bullied, are they doing ok in college, are they not telling me if they have no money, how is DS coping with his anxiety, DD with her trouble in math. How will they get a nice paying job? Will they be happy? Even simple things, are they eating well? And I know it is the same for DH, we talk about it. Maybe it gets better as they get even older?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Second the point about gender inequality. Before you have kids you have oceans of time and autonomy. Once you have kids it becomes, inevitably, a competition between the spouses for time to work, play, sleep. And somehow it's mostly the women who get the short end of the stick.

It doesn't happen because anyone "wants" it to happen (usually). It's the cumulative impact of all the little decisions and non-decisions.

Example: Doc says breast is best. Gotcha. So, woman is the one who gets up four times in the middle of the night to feed the baby because, well, husband has no breastmilk (and pumping a lot of extra is also hard, esp. early). So baby gets used to mom and is easier for mom to settle down... so mom becomes the parent the baby gets handed to when things are tough... and it becomes self fulfilling.

Ditto: mom gets more parental leave than dad and spends more time with baby, so gets better at handling baby things efficiently and settling baby... self-fulfilling, see above.

And then: mom is sleep-deprived and has been off work for months. It starts seeming like maybe someone should stay home or cut back on work to care for the baby, and mom probably made a little less money than dad, and she's been home anyway, and she's better at baby stuff by now (see above), and maybe dad's a little older and his career is more advanced so it somehow seems higher stakes if he quits or cuts back... and anyway mom is now so sleep-deprived she can't imagine being fully functioning at work... so if anyone's career goes on the back burner, it's hers.

And then... husband thinks, well, I have the important job and make more money, and she is home all day/two days a week/more hours each day... so really there is not reason not to expect her to handle the play dates and doctors appointments and making dinner...

And then you're stuck.

I also wish I had read "The Bitch in the House" before having children. It might have led me to think through some things and talk them through with DH so we could avoid the problems that emerged. In hindsight I feel very naive. I fell into all the traps I described above.

This is all so so true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm further down the chain (HS kids) and it's cliche to say kids grow up so fast, but they really do once they hit a certain age. Time goes on warp speed once the kid hits sixth grade. Buckle up. Before you know it, they are in 10th grade signing up for driver's ed and college looms on the horizon. 6th-10th grade goes by in the blink of an eye!

My oldest just started 6th grade and I was just thinking this. It makes me sad, but also excited because she’s an awesome kid and I’m excited to see what kind of a teen and adult she turns into.

+1 Mine are in college. They are who they are and after the first year you don’t see them much.

[Anonymous]

That for many friends, parenthood is really their first rodeo when it comes to having external demands on you, and it's the first time they've really dealt with major stressors in their lives. And for others, who've had it rough throughout life, we see parenthood as a positive stressor as opposed to a negative one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That I’d come to pity those with no children. They really are missing out on a fundamental and powerful human experience.

Is this really necessary? In many ways, I’m sure they pity you too.

Sorry but OP asked . I’m sure people pity me but yes I also find myself sometimes pitying non parents . I don’t think it’s the only way to be fulfilled but it’s great

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Second the point about gender inequality. Before you have kids you have oceans of time and autonomy. Once you have kids it becomes, inevitably, a competition between the spouses for time to work, play, sleep. And somehow it's mostly the women who get the short end of the stick.

It doesn't happen because anyone "wants" it to happen (usually). It's the cumulative impact of all the little decisions and non-decisions.

Example: Doc says breast is best. Gotcha. So, woman is the one who gets up four times in the middle of the night to feed the baby because, well, husband has no breastmilk (and pumping a lot of extra is also hard, esp. early). So baby gets used to mom and is easier for mom to settle down... so mom becomes the parent the baby gets handed to when things are tough... and it becomes self fulfilling.

Ditto: mom gets more parental leave than dad and spends more time with baby, so gets better at handling baby things efficiently and settling baby... self-fulfilling, see above.

And then: mom is sleep-deprived and has been off work for months. It starts seeming like maybe someone should stay home or cut back on work to care for the baby, and mom probably made a little less money than dad, and she's been home anyway, and she's better at baby stuff by now (see above), and maybe dad's a little older and his career is more advanced so it somehow seems higher stakes if he quits or cuts back... and anyway mom is now so sleep-deprived she can't imagine being fully functioning at work... so if anyone's career goes on the back burner, it's hers.

And then... husband thinks, well, I have the important job and make more money, and she is home all day/two days a week/more hours each day... so really there is not reason not to expect her to handle the play dates and doctors appointments and making dinner...

And then you're stuck.

I also wish I had read "The Bitch in the House" before having children. It might have led me to think through some things and talk them through with DH so we could avoid the problems that emerged. In hindsight I feel very naive. I fell into all the traps I described above.

This is all so so true.

I suppose it all depends on your situation. In our situation, I

My wife was on critical medication (immuno-suppression for a transplant) that had to be suspended and adjusted when we were expecting our twins. As soon as the children were born, they readjusted back to the original levels. Because of her medication, we could never BF and our kids were on formula from birth. And due to her recovery, etc, I ended up being the one to make formula, bottles and all. So, I took the lead on food prep, keeping track of bottles, formula (the twins were on different formulations).

We both took all of our accumulated leave. Yes, my civil service wife had more leave to take. After the leave, we both went back to work part-time. I worked M/W/F and she worked T/Th. So, yes, she spent more time with the kids, but both of us had plenty of bonding time and both had enough time parenting alone that nothing defaulted to either of us. Additionally, I am the primary driver and have to do most of the drop-off, pick-up and commuting responsibilities. In many things, most things

And in our case, it was never an option for her to quit. As the civil servant in the family, she has the better retirement and better healthcare (thanks to her, I have healthcare coverage for my lifetime, even if she retires or pre-deceases me). We have made many plans around her benefits plan. Even though I do make more than her, if we had had to choose one SAH parent, there is no question, it would have been me.

[Anonymous]

Oops...hit submit too soon.

Finished the underlined.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Second the point about gender inequality. Before you have kids you have oceans of time and autonomy. Once you have kids it becomes, inevitably, a competition between the spouses for time to work, play, sleep. And somehow it's mostly the women who get the short end of the stick.

It doesn't happen because anyone "wants" it to happen (usually). It's the cumulative impact of all the little decisions and non-decisions.

Example: Doc says breast is best. Gotcha. So, woman is the one who gets up four times in the middle of the night to feed the baby because, well, husband has no breastmilk (and pumping a lot of extra is also hard, esp. early). So baby gets used to mom and is easier for mom to settle down... so mom becomes the parent the baby gets handed to when things are tough... and it becomes self fulfilling.

Ditto: mom gets more parental leave than dad and spends more time with baby, so gets better at handling baby things efficiently and settling baby... self-fulfilling, see above.

And then: mom is sleep-deprived and has been off work for months. It starts seeming like maybe someone should stay home or cut back on work to care for the baby, and mom probably made a little less money than dad, and she's been home anyway, and she's better at baby stuff by now (see above), and maybe dad's a little older and his career is more advanced so it somehow seems higher stakes if he quits or cuts back... and anyway mom is now so sleep-deprived she can't imagine being fully functioning at work... so if anyone's career goes on the back burner, it's hers.

And then... husband thinks, well, I have the important job and make more money, and she is home all day/two days a week/more hours each day... so really there is not reason not to expect her to handle the play dates and doctors appointments and making dinner...

And then you're stuck.

I also wish I had read "The Bitch in the House" before having children. It might have led me to think through some things and talk them through with DH so we could avoid the problems that emerged. In hindsight I feel very naive. I fell into all the traps I described above.

This is all so so true.

I suppose it all depends on your situation. In our situation, I ended up doing a lot of the "default" type parenting responsibilities..

My wife was on critical medication (immuno-suppression for a transplant) that had to be suspended and adjusted when we were expecting our twins. As soon as the children were born, they readjusted back to the original levels. Because of her medication, we could never BF and our kids were on formula from birth. And due to her recovery, etc, I ended up being the one to make formula, bottles and all. So, I took the lead on food prep, keeping track of bottles, formula (the twins were on different formulations).

We both took all of our accumulated leave. Yes, my civil service wife had more leave to take. After the leave, we both went back to work part-time. I worked M/W/F and she worked T/Th. So, yes, she spent more time with the kids, but both of us had plenty of bonding time and both had enough time parenting alone that nothing defaulted to either of us. Additionally, I am the primary driver and have to do most of the drop-off, pick-up and commuting responsibilities. In many areas, I have had default parent responsibilities.

And in our case, it was never an option for her to quit. As the civil servant in the family, she has the better retirement and better healthcare (thanks to her, I have healthcare coverage for my lifetime, even if she retires or pre-deceases me). We have made many plans around her benefits plan. Even though I do make more than her, if we had had to choose one SAH parent, there is no question, it would have been me.

[Anonymous]

I think the dads who say they do a lot or more or just as much are great but are missing the point....

The point is not that no men step up fully when it comes to parenting. The point is that for most couples, a combination of unarticulated individual and social expectations, workplace structure, school atructure, you name it ends up producing very traditionally gendered divisions of labor... and many people do t realize how powerful all that can be until it is too late.

So good for you, men who do your share. But women who don’t yet have kids: beware. Think about this stuff ahead of time.

[Anonymous]

I'm a single parent (adoptive dad). I am proud of the hard work that I do to be an effective parent to my kid. Most of the time, I do a good job. I've gained a bit of weight (that friends rib me about). I might have a little too much wine in the evening. Sometimes when I'm at my wit's end, I wonder what 2 parent families complain about - they can pass on the job to the other parent momentarily.

Then I remember that it's not all about me. And I'm good.

[Anonymous]

That if you don't constantly complain about parenthood that others will begrudge you

[Anonymous]

How hard I have to work to be a better parent than my parents were...I thought I was nothing like them til I had kids of my own and, to my dismay, my natural tendency as a parent is to be annoyed, impatient, and temperamental just like my dad was/essentially all the qualities I disliked about my dad and never saw in myself have come out now that I have my own kids and I work everyday to suppress those parts of myself. But I couldn’t have imagined how difficult this could be til my kids were born.

[Anonymous]

How much I love them. I mean, they are my world. I adore them. And they are teenagers!!!

I mean: I have a successful career, great friends, etc etc. But my kids just matter to me so much more.

[Anonymous]

That having a good support network matters SO much. As a working mother, I could not have survived parenthood without my mom living nearby and the parents of my kids’ friends, including/especially the stay at home moms, who were so often willing to drive my kids home, pick them up, lend us some crucial item, etc. It really does take a village.

I know people complain about DC and how crazy and competitive it is but we have seen none of that in our school community. People have been nothing but kind and mutually supportive, very willing to go out of their way to help one another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How much I love them. I mean, they are my world. I adore them. And they are teenagers!!!

I mean: I have a successful career, great friends, etc etc. But my kids just matter to me so much more.

Yes. As I told my parents, I didn't really understand what they felt when they said, "I love you" until I had kids of my own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How different each child is, even with the same parenting and that some children are just born difficult. I used to judge people with poorly behaved children. Now, with one polite well-behaved child and another who has challenged us every single day of his life, I understand that some are more difficult than others, no matter how much effort you put into it.

Sorry to anyone I judged!!

My answer exactly!