What didn't you understand until you were a parent and now you do

[Anonymous]

This should have been obvious, but its how different kids can be. Discipline works on one and not the other. Also, how hard it is to keep from loosing one's temper when your precious finds that one last remaining nerve and grinds it to a pulp with ferocity that is unparalleled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Second the point about gender inequality. Before you have kids you have oceans of time and autonomy. Once you have kids it becomes, inevitably, a competition between the spouses for time to work, play, sleep. And somehow it's mostly the women who get the short end of the stick.

It doesn't happen because anyone "wants" it to happen (usually). It's the cumulative impact of all the little decisions and non-decisions.

Example: Doc says breast is best. Gotcha. So, woman is the one who gets up four times in the middle of the night to feed the baby because, well, husband has no breastmilk (and pumping a lot of extra is also hard, esp. early). So baby gets used to mom and is easier for mom to settle down... so mom becomes the parent the baby gets handed to when things are tough... and it becomes self fulfilling.

Ditto: mom gets more parental leave than dad and spends more time with baby, so gets better at handling baby things efficiently and settling baby... self-fulfilling, see above.

And then: mom is sleep-deprived and has been off work for months. It starts seeming like maybe someone should stay home or cut back on work to care for the baby, and mom probably made a little less money than dad, and she's been home anyway, and she's better at baby stuff by now (see above), and maybe dad's a little older and his career is more advanced so it somehow seems higher stakes if he quits or cuts back... and anyway mom is now so sleep-deprived she can't imagine being fully functioning at work... so if anyone's career goes on the back burner, it's hers.

And then... husband thinks, well, I have the important job and make more money, and she is home all day/two days a week/more hours each day... so really there is not reason not to expect her to handle the play dates and doctors appointments and making dinner...

And then you're stuck.

I also wish I had read "The Bitch in the House" before having children. It might have led me to think through some things and talk them through with DH so we could avoid the problems that emerged. In hindsight I feel very naive. I fell into all the traps I described above.

The worst part of this is that you never realize it until things are far gone and more headache to change. One thing I'd like to add is I married a completely functioning adult. Suddenly when we had kids, he can no longer make decisions on his own and can't seem to remember much of anything. I find myself asking myself, "why do I have an adult child older than me?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Second the point about gender inequality. Before you have kids you have oceans of time and autonomy. Once you have kids it becomes, inevitably, a competition between the spouses for time to work, play, sleep. And somehow it's mostly the women who get the short end of the stick.

It doesn't happen because anyone "wants" it to happen (usually). It's the cumulative impact of all the little decisions and non-decisions.

Example: Doc says breast is best. Gotcha. So, woman is the one who gets up four times in the middle of the night to feed the baby because, well, husband has no breastmilk (and pumping a lot of extra is also hard, esp. early). So baby gets used to mom and is easier for mom to settle down... so mom becomes the parent the baby gets handed to when things are tough... and it becomes self fulfilling.

Ditto: mom gets more parental leave than dad and spends more time with baby, so gets better at handling baby things efficiently and settling baby... self-fulfilling, see above.

And then: mom is sleep-deprived and has been off work for months. It starts seeming like maybe someone should stay home or cut back on work to care for the baby, and mom probably made a little less money than dad, and she's been home anyway, and she's better at baby stuff by now (see above), and maybe dad's a little older and his career is more advanced so it somehow seems higher stakes if he quits or cuts back... and anyway mom is now so sleep-deprived she can't imagine being fully functioning at work... so if anyone's career goes on the back burner, it's hers.

And then... husband thinks, well, I have the important job and make more money, and she is home all day/two days a week/more hours each day... so really there is not reason not to expect her to handle the play dates and doctors appointments and making dinner...

And then you're stuck.

I also wish I had read "The Bitch in the House" before having children. It might have led me to think through some things and talk them through with DH so we could avoid the problems that emerged. In hindsight I feel very naive. I fell into all the traps I described above.

This is so spot on. The difference for me is that I am ALSO the breadwinner. But, because our first was so very difficult, colicky, etc., and I had to deal with all of it during maternity leave, he all of a sudden didn't have the skills to cope. I ended up handling more and more at home while still having to put in many more hours than DH at work. We were completely equitable before kids, and that was a #1 priority for me, but time slipped by and we got in a very bad spot by the time our second came along. The mental load was and is tremendous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Second the point about gender inequality. Before you have kids you have oceans of time and autonomy. Once you have kids it becomes, inevitably, a competition between the spouses for time to work, play, sleep. And somehow it's mostly the women who get the short end of the stick.

It doesn't happen because anyone "wants" it to happen (usually). It's the cumulative impact of all the little decisions and non-decisions.

Example: Doc says breast is best. Gotcha. So, woman is the one who gets up four times in the middle of the night to feed the baby because, well, husband has no breastmilk (and pumping a lot of extra is also hard, esp. early). So baby gets used to mom and is easier for mom to settle down... so mom becomes the parent the baby gets handed to when things are tough... and it becomes self fulfilling.

Ditto: mom gets more parental leave than dad and spends more time with baby, so gets better at handling baby things efficiently and settling baby... self-fulfilling, see above.

And then: mom is sleep-deprived and has been off work for months. It starts seeming like maybe someone should stay home or cut back on work to care for the baby, and mom probably made a little less money than dad, and she's been home anyway, and she's better at baby stuff by now (see above), and maybe dad's a little older and his career is more advanced so it somehow seems higher stakes if he quits or cuts back... and anyway mom is now so sleep-deprived she can't imagine being fully functioning at work... so if anyone's career goes on the back burner, it's hers.

And then... husband thinks, well, I have the important job and make more money, and she is home all day/two days a week/more hours each day... so really there is not reason not to expect her to handle the play dates and doctors appointments and making dinner...

And then you're stuck.

I also wish I had read "The Bitch in the House" before having children. It might have led me to think through some things and talk them through with DH so we could avoid the problems that emerged. In hindsight I feel very naive. I fell into all the traps I described above.

This is all so so true.

I chose not to breastfeed for this reason.

[Anonymous]

How infuriating toddlers and preschoolers can be. I thought I LOVED kids, but it turns out that I love kids over age 5.

[Anonymous]

I never understood why men refuse to multitask or can only remember their work things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I never understood why men refuse to multitask or can only remember their work things.

Lol...I have no idea. If DH showed up at work the way he shows up at home, he would be fired. Can you imagine walking in every day and asking your co-workers “what do you want me to do?”
Ughh...I don’t know, man. You and I have the same job, and we have been working here together for eight years! Figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never understood why men refuse to multitask or can only remember their work things.

Lol...I have no idea. If DH showed up at work the way he shows up at home, he would be fired. Can you imagine walking in every day and asking your co-workers “what do you want me to do?”
Ughh...I don’t know, man. You and I have the same job, and we have been working here together for eight years! Figure it out.

You just described all of my coworkers perfectly. Maybe I do work with your husband.

[Anonymous]

As a teenager I didn't understand why my mom was so concerned about who I hung out with and who my friends were.

Now as the parent of two teenagers I totally get it now!