What didn't you understand until you were a parent and now you do

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That I had a LOT more free time than I thought I had pre-kids. How did I ever think life was busy back then?

Yes!

[Anonymous]

I knew I would love my child but I didn’t expect that it would feel more like being in love (but not in a romantic way).

[Anonymous]

That just thinking of my kids can make me smile.

Also that I will have zero free time. I wasted so much time pre-kids!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Second the point about gender inequality. Before you have kids you have oceans of time and autonomy. Once you have kids it becomes, inevitably, a competition between the spouses for time to work, play, sleep. And somehow it's mostly the women who get the short end of the stick.

It doesn't happen because anyone "wants" it to happen (usually). It's the cumulative impact of all the little decisions and non-decisions.

Example: Doc says breast is best. Gotcha. So, woman is the one who gets up four times in the middle of the night to feed the baby because, well, husband has no breastmilk (and pumping a lot of extra is also hard, esp. early). So baby gets used to mom and is easier for mom to settle down... so mom becomes the parent the baby gets handed to when things are tough... and it becomes self fulfilling.

Ditto: mom gets more parental leave than dad and spends more time with baby, so gets better at handling baby things efficiently and settling baby... self-fulfilling, see above.

And then: mom is sleep-deprived and has been off work for months. It starts seeming like maybe someone should stay home or cut back on work to care for the baby, and mom probably made a little less money than dad, and she's been home anyway, and she's better at baby stuff by now (see above), and maybe dad's a little older and his career is more advanced so it somehow seems higher stakes if he quits or cuts back... and anyway mom is now so sleep-deprived she can't imagine being fully functioning at work... so if anyone's career goes on the back burner, it's hers.

And then... husband thinks, well, I have the important job and make more money, and she is home all day/two days a week/more hours each day... so really there is not reason not to expect her to handle the play dates and doctors appointments and making dinner...

And then you're stuck.

I also wish I had read "The Bitch in the House" before having children. It might have led me to think through some things and talk them through with DH so we could avoid the problems that emerged. In hindsight I feel very naive. I fell into all the traps I described above.

This is all so so true.

OMG. This is me. Right now. I'm trying to figure out a way to get out of it once the kids get the school, but I gave up a GS-15 and there's just no way I'm ever getting back. Going to have to chart a new path.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I knew I would love my child but I didn’t expect that it would feel more like being in love (but not in a romantic way).

I knew I would love my kid. But I didn’t realize how deep and intense it would be. Or that every day, several times a day, I would fall in love again and again. Just when I think I can’t love him more, boom, I fall in love more. We are in the middle of 3yo temper tantrums, so it’s not all unicorns and rainbows. But when it’s good, it’s pretty damn amazing!

I also didn’t realize how I would love DH more when I watch him with DS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Second the point about gender inequality. Before you have kids you have oceans of time and autonomy. Once you have kids it becomes, inevitably, a competition between the spouses for time to work, play, sleep. And somehow it's mostly the women who get the short end of the stick.

It doesn't happen because anyone "wants" it to happen (usually). It's the cumulative impact of all the little decisions and non-decisions.

Example: Doc says breast is best. Gotcha. So, woman is the one who gets up four times in the middle of the night to feed the baby because, well, husband has no breastmilk (and pumping a lot of extra is also hard, esp. early). So baby gets used to mom and is easier for mom to settle down... so mom becomes the parent the baby gets handed to when things are tough... and it becomes self fulfilling.

Ditto: mom gets more parental leave than dad and spends more time with baby, so gets better at handling baby things efficiently and settling baby... self-fulfilling, see above.

And then: mom is sleep-deprived and has been off work for months. It starts seeming like maybe someone should stay home or cut back on work to care for the baby, and mom probably made a little less money than dad, and she's been home anyway, and she's better at baby stuff by now (see above), and maybe dad's a little older and his career is more advanced so it somehow seems higher stakes if he quits or cuts back... and anyway mom is now so sleep-deprived she can't imagine being fully functioning at work... so if anyone's career goes on the back burner, it's hers.

And then... husband thinks, well, I have the important job and make more money, and she is home all day/two days a week/more hours each day... so really there is not reason not to expect her to handle the play dates and doctors appointments and making dinner...

And then you're stuck.

I also wish I had read "The Bitch in the House" before having children. It might have led me to think through some things and talk them through with DH so we could avoid the problems that emerged. In hindsight I feel very naive. I fell into all the traps I described above.

Yes. Definitely think about it ahead of time. In our case, that meant that I pumped for the night feed and let others (including husband) help. We both took leave and had baby duties. My career took precedence due to promotion timelines so although I do many default parent things, dad also got used to communicating with caregivers, packing lunches, cooking/laundry, pick ups and drop offs. I hate the SS thing but I did consciously decide at one point, during the postpartum period with my first when I desperately wondered if I could do it, to lean in and fake it til I made it. I made it. I don’t know whether that makes the juggle of things any easier, but I do know that I’ll never blame my kids or family situation for losing my career. That is what my mother felt every day of our childhood and it made me determined not to repeat the pattern.

[Anonymous]

I never knew what it means to be a working parent. My mother SAH so I had no model or sense of how it works. I’m not very far in, a little over five years, but I must say the unpredictability of young children and their ever-changing needs is really hard to juggle with other responsibilities. I am doing it but many days I feel overwhelmed by the moving pieces.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That for many friends, parenthood is really their first rodeo when it comes to having external demands on you, and it's the first time they've really dealt with major stressors in their lives. And for others, who've had it rough throughout life, we see parenthood as a positive stressor as opposed to a negative one.

I actually find parenthood pretty stressful even though I dealt with major stressors prior to parenthood, including fulfilling a caregiving role.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That for many friends, parenthood is really their first rodeo when it comes to having external demands on you, and it's the first time they've really dealt with major stressors in their lives. And for others, who've had it rough throughout life, we see parenthood as a positive stressor as opposed to a negative one.

I actually find parenthood pretty stressful even though I dealt with major stressors prior to parenthood, including fulfilling a caregiving role.

I am going to guess that the first poster has children young enough that they still love you all the time no matter what you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I knew I would love my child but I didn’t expect that it would feel more like being in love (but not in a romantic way).

I knew I would love my kid. But I didn’t realize how deep and intense it would be. Or that every day, several times a day, I would fall in love again and again. Just when I think I can’t love him more, boom, I fall in love more. We are in the middle of 3yo temper tantrums, so it’s not all unicorns and rainbows. But when it’s good, it’s pretty damn amazing!

I also didn’t realize how I would love DH more when I watch him with DS.

I’m sorry, but...barf.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I knew I would love my child but I didn’t expect that it would feel more like being in love (but not in a romantic way).

I knew I would love my kid. But I didn’t realize how deep and intense it would be. Or that every day, several times a day, I would fall in love again and again. Just when I think I can’t love him more, boom, I fall in love more. We are in the middle of 3yo temper tantrums, so it’s not all unicorns and rainbows. But when it’s good, it’s pretty damn amazing!

I also didn’t realize how I would love DH more when I watch him with DS.

Are you high? Fall in love over and over again several times a day? Lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I knew I would love my child but I didn’t expect that it would feel more like being in love (but not in a romantic way).

I knew I would love my kid. But I didn’t realize how deep and intense it would be. Or that every day, several times a day, I would fall in love again and again. Just when I think I can’t love him more, boom, I fall in love more. We are in the middle of 3yo temper tantrums, so it’s not all unicorns and rainbows. But when it’s good, it’s pretty damn amazing!

I also didn’t realize how I would love DH more when I watch him with DS.

This is the part I could never have guessed at. How seeing DH with our kids, and knowing that the kids are as much DH as they are me, would strengthen our relationship...good thing, since we're both stressed and exhausted 90% of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I knew I would love my child but I didn’t expect that it would feel more like being in love (but not in a romantic way).

I knew I would love my kid. But I didn’t realize how deep and intense it would be. Or that every day, several times a day, I would fall in love again and again. Just when I think I can’t love him more, boom, I fall in love more. We are in the middle of 3yo temper tantrums, so it’s not all unicorns and rainbows. But when it’s good, it’s pretty damn amazing!

I also didn’t realize how I would love DH more when I watch him with DS.

This is the part I could never have guessed at. How seeing DH with our kids, and knowing that the kids are as much DH as they are me, would strengthen our relationship...good thing, since we're both stressed and exhausted 90% of the time.

Bahahaha. Our marriage hit the skids when kids came into the picture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I knew I would love my child but I didn’t expect that it would feel more like being in love (but not in a romantic way).

I knew I would love my kid. But I didn’t realize how deep and intense it would be. Or that every day, several times a day, I would fall in love again and again. Just when I think I can’t love him more, boom, I fall in love more. We are in the middle of 3yo temper tantrums, so it’s not all unicorns and rainbows. But when it’s good, it’s pretty damn amazing!

I also didn’t realize how I would love DH more when I watch him with DS.

This is the part I could never have guessed at. How seeing DH with our kids, and knowing that the kids are as much DH as they are me, would strengthen our relationship...good thing, since we're both stressed and exhausted 90% of the time.

Bahahaha. Our marriage hit the skids when kids came into the picture.

Not saying we haven’t had some bumps. There have been more fights, more annoyances and times I’m so frustrated I could spit. But through it all, our love has gotten deeper.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve become more acutely aware of how selfish and neglectful one of my parents was.

This. I realized more and more how miraculous it is that I turned out as well adjusted as I have based on the lack of involvement, care, and overall love my mother provided. It has made me strive to be a good parent to my kids.