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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Second the point about gender inequality. Before you have kids you have oceans of time and autonomy. Once you have kids it becomes, inevitably, a competition between the spouses for time to work, play, sleep. And somehow it's mostly the women who get the short end of the stick.

It doesn't happen because anyone "wants" it to happen (usually). It's the cumulative impact of all the little decisions and non-decisions.

Example: Doc says breast is best. Gotcha. So, woman is the one who gets up four times in the middle of the night to feed the baby because, well, husband has no breastmilk (and pumping a lot of extra is also hard, esp. early). So baby gets used to mom and is easier for mom to settle down... so mom becomes the parent the baby gets handed to when things are tough... and it becomes self fulfilling.

Ditto: mom gets more parental leave than dad and spends more time with baby, so gets better at handling baby things efficiently and settling baby... self-fulfilling, see above.

And then: mom is sleep-deprived and has been off work for months. It starts seeming like maybe someone should stay home or cut back on work to care for the baby, and mom probably made a little less money than dad, and she's been home anyway, and she's better at baby stuff by now (see above), and maybe dad's a little older and his career is more advanced so it somehow seems higher stakes if he quits or cuts back... and anyway mom is now so sleep-deprived she can't imagine being fully functioning at work... so if anyone's career goes on the back burner, it's hers.

And then... husband thinks, well, I have the important job and make more money, and she is home all day/two days a week/more hours each day... so really there is not reason not to expect her to handle the play dates and doctors appointments and making dinner...

And then you're stuck.

I also wish I had read "The Bitch in the House" before having children. It might have led me to think through some things and talk them through with DH so we could avoid the problems that emerged. In hindsight I feel very naive. I fell into all the traps I described above.[/quote]

This is all so so true.[/quote]

I suppose it all depends on your situation.   In our situation, I

My wife was on critical medication (immuno-suppression for a transplant) that had to be suspended and adjusted when we were expecting our twins.  As soon as the children were born, they readjusted back to the original levels.  Because of her medication, we could never BF and our kids were on formula from birth.  And due to her recovery, etc, I ended up being the one to make formula, bottles and all.  So, I took the lead on food prep, keeping track of bottles, formula (the twins were on different formulations).

We both took all of our accumulated leave.  Yes, my civil service wife had more leave to take.  After the leave, we both went back to work part-time.  I worked M/W/F and she worked T/Th.  So, yes, she spent more time with the kids, but both of us had plenty of bonding time and both had enough time parenting alone that nothing defaulted to either of us.  Additionally, I am the primary driver and have to do most of the drop-off, pick-up and commuting responsibilities.  In many things, most things

And in our case, it was never an option for her to quit.  As the civil servant in the family, she has the better retirement and better healthcare (thanks to her, I have healthcare coverage for my lifetime, even if she retires or pre-deceases me).  We have made many plans around her benefits plan.  Even though I do make more than her, if we had had to choose one SAH parent, there is no question, it would have been me.[/quote]

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