Disagreement with DH about breast lift

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 44 years old and want to get a breast lift. I'm very unhappy with my appearance and feel unattractive, and am having trouble enjoying being intimate with DH because of it. DH is very opposed to the idea of my getting this surgery done. He agrees that there's an issue with sagging, but doesn't think its a big deal. He is also very concerned about something going wrong during the surgery - we have two kids and his view is that it would be selfish to undergo elective surgery for cosmetic reasons when there is a chance (albeit small) of something going wrong. He also thinks it would make more sense to use the money for something the family could all enjoy together, like an international vacation.

Am I being really selfish by wanting to do this? I can't imagine living the next 20 plus years feeling this unattractive, and I don't think I am going to be able to just move past this feeling on my own without having this done.

Man here. If my wife were feeling so insecure it was impacting our intimacy, there is no way I would stand in her way. Not sure how he views this as selfish. I think he might have some underlying insecurities himself and might like the low self esteem you. Makes him feel more secure the worse you feel about yourself

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find it interesting that you don't feel attractive to your DH who is saying you are still attractive to him. That does not compute to me.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's probably afraid he'll have to foot the bill on the boob surgery then you'll leave and some other guy will get to enjoy them.

I don't know that I've seen anything reliable, but I've heard stories of a correlation between breast augmentation and divorce.

This was true for my sister and her marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find it interesting that you don't feel attractive to your DH who is saying you are still attractive to him. That does not compute to me.

Not all women derive their self esteem from the acceptance or rejection of their body by their husband. My DH doesn't care if I wear makeup or dye my hair, but I do because it makes me happy. My DH also likes big boobs and would be thrilled if I got a boob job, but once again. I don't seek his approval.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I am 33 and getting Botox and fillers somewhat regularly. When time comes I will be happy to intervene with more invasive procedures. I am lucky to not need boob job, nose job or tummy tuck (maybe after baby number 3???) I feel better (I look really good from what friends and family say), my husband is really happy and proud and my kids are proud to have such a pretty mom. Win-win for everyone!

Also, I come from a family where looking good is important (men and women) so I value it a lot.

What would happen if someone had an accident and was horribly scared for life even with surgery? I think we all want to look good, but a family valuing looking good seems superficial, and a therapy waiting to happen.

You act like valuing beauty automatically rules out valuing ANYTHING else.

Oh, *I* am acting like valuing beauty rules out valuing anything else, and not that PP who posted how her family values looking good? Okaaaay.

Yes. That PP didn't say her family values nothing else, and you're acting as if she did.

But it's important enough for her to get plastic surgery. That is placing a pretty high value on looking good. Therefore, other values must be lower on the totem pole.

[Anonymous]

New poster. This whole 'I don't want DW to get a boobie lift because she might die and leave me alone with the kids' is utterly stupid. What if she needed to get her wisdom teeth pulled out instead? Nothing wrong with wanting to look better. When you look good, you feel good.

[Anonymous]

I find it interesting that you don't feel attractive to your DH who is saying you are still attractive to him. That does not compute to me.

Is it weird? I don't know, for me part of it is feeling that the other person is attracted to me, but part of it is feeling attracted to myself (I know that sounds odd). Which I don't feel when I feel like I am flopping around up there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I find it interesting that you don't feel attractive to your DH who is saying you are still attractive to him. That does not compute to me.

Is it weird? I don't know, for me part of it is feeling that the other person is attracted to me, but part of it is feeling attracted to myself (I know that sounds odd). Which I don't feel when I feel like I am flopping around up there.

Not odd, totally normal. What would be unhealthy isnif your self image depended on how your DH felt about you, dictstingyiur happiness or not.

I lost a bunch if weight and so many people said "why do you work so hard at that, your DH is still attracted to you. Or you don't need to attract anyone, why lose the weight?"

It's like people can't compute a woman has her own feelings and can possibly be self motivate to look nice. That we are somehow a simple extension of our husbands desires.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I am 33 and getting Botox and fillers somewhat regularly. When time comes I will be happy to intervene with more invasive procedures. I am lucky to not need boob job, nose job or tummy tuck (maybe after baby number 3???) I feel better (I look really good from what friends and family say), my husband is really happy and proud and my kids are proud to have such a pretty mom. Win-win for everyone!

Also, I come from a family where looking good is important (men and women) so I value it a lot.

What would happen if someone had an accident and was horribly scared for life even with surgery? I think we all want to look good, but a family valuing looking good seems superficial, and a therapy waiting to happen.

You act like valuing beauty automatically rules out valuing ANYTHING else.

Oh, *I* am acting like valuing beauty rules out valuing anything else, and not that PP who posted how her family values looking good? Okaaaay.

Yes. That PP didn't say her family values nothing else, and you're acting as if she did.

But it's important enough for her to get plastic surgery. That is placing a pretty high value on looking good. Therefore, other values must be lower on the totem pole.

I have not gotten any plastic surgery YET. My God! I have so many important things in my life that I value. Caring about how I look is only one of them and far from the most important one. I am NOT some bimbo with no education married to a rich old man and spending all my money on plastic surgery. I have 2 kids, a husband, a career, a family back home and so much more! I also value intelligence something you are clearly missing. Think and rad carefully before you write

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it interesting that you don't feel attractive to your DH who is saying you are still attractive to him. That does not compute to me.

Not all women derive their self esteem from the acceptance or rejection of their body by their husband. My DH doesn't care if I wear makeup or dye my hair, but I do because it makes me happy. My DH also likes big boobs and would be thrilled if I got a boob job, but once again. I don't seek his approval.

Reading comprehension not your strong suit amirite?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am 33 and getting Botox and fillers somewhat regularly. When time comes I will be happy to intervene with more invasive procedures. I am lucky to not need boob job, nose job or tummy tuck (maybe after baby number 3???) I feel better (I look really good from what friends and family say), my husband is really happy and proud and my kids are proud to have such a pretty mom. Win-win for everyone!

Also, I come from a family where looking good is important (men and women) so I value it a lot.

What would happen if someone had an accident and was horribly scared for life even with surgery? I think we all want to look good, but a family valuing looking good seems superficial, and a therapy waiting to happen.

You act like valuing beauty automatically rules out valuing ANYTHING else.

Oh, *I* am acting like valuing beauty rules out valuing anything else, and not that PP who posted how her family values looking good? Okaaaay.

Yes. That PP didn't say her family values nothing else, and you're acting as if she did.

But it's important enough for her to get plastic surgery. That is placing a pretty high value on looking good. Therefore, other values must be lower on the totem pole.

You're critical thinking is as shallow as a puddle in the desert.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I find it interesting that you don't feel attractive to your DH who is saying you are still attractive to him. That does not compute to me.

Is it weird? I don't know, for me part of it is feeling that the other person is attracted to me, but part of it is feeling attracted to myself (I know that sounds odd). Which I don't feel when I feel like I am flopping around up there.

This makes sense, yes. Hopefully you two will find a solution.

[Anonymous]

It's like people can't compute a woman has her own feelings and can possibly be self motivated to look nice.

With surgery. Not makeup, not exercise, but actual surgery.

[Anonymous]

This isn't really commenting on OP's specific situation, but as a general rule, I find the "looking good for myself" rationale to be generally disingenuous. You don't dress to the nines when you're hanging out at home by yourself. There is still an element of the "looking good for yourself" that depends on being seen by other people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it interesting that you don't feel attractive to your DH who is saying you are still attractive to him. That does not compute to me.

Not all women derive their self esteem from the acceptance or rejection of their body by their husband. My DH doesn't care if I wear makeup or dye my hair, but I do because it makes me happy. My DH also likes big boobs and would be thrilled if I got a boob job, but once again. I don't seek his approval.

Reading comprehension not your strong suit amirite?

She spelled it out for you. Her self image about her breasts is internal to her. This is not a discussion about her wanting to feel attractive to her husband. Read again, slowly this time.