My daughter is the only white girl in her grade: ask me anything

[Anonymous]

OP here.

I hadn't checked back in on this after yesterday afternoon. I am glad to see that our experiences are not as unique as many people suggest.

If there are people who have questions still, I'm happy to answer, though I'm still not naming the school.

[Anonymous]

I thought this was really interesting OP! My oldest DD is about to start PK3 at a DCPS, where there is at least a chance she may be the only white kid. (We plan on moving out of the DC area sometime in the next couple of years; so the longterm value of the feeder schools isn't an issue for us, and the early childhood program seems amazing. But do you have any advice for connecting with other parents and students as the "only"?

[Anonymous]

I hated being the only Asian kid in my ES classes in NYC. The kids were a mix of low SES AA and Latino and lower middle class white. I was called chink a lot by the AA crew. Kids often pulled on the corners of their eyes to push my buttons. After my parents (whose English was weak) complained to the school through a social worker who speaks their language, my torturers upped their game.

My memories of major ES stress motivated me to buy in a district of a school that's majority white. Maybe AA kids in this city would have been tolerant of an Asian classmate, but I'm not willing to find out if this is true. Being the only white kid in the grade and being the only Asian kid in the grade don't compute.

We had a surprisingly good experience at DCPS summer school where child was one of the few kids who wasn't AA. But we have to work hard at fixing the problem of child having learned to pepper speech with obscenities there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I thought this was really interesting OP! My oldest DD is about to start PK3 at a DCPS, where there is at least a chance she may be the only white kid. (We plan on moving out of the DC area sometime in the next couple of years; so the longterm value of the feeder schools isn't an issue for us, and the early childhood program seems amazing. But do you have any advice for connecting with other parents and students as the "only"?

Yes. Talk to them! Your child's teacher is your ally in this. If your child talks about a specific friend often, ask your child's teacher for the contact information of that child's parents. Invite them to a playdate. We started at parks that were near the school, which felt like good neutral ground. As we have gotten to know each other better, we go to each other's houses. To the extent that your school has a parent organization, participate in it, but keep in mind that the PTA isn't the only way that parents contribute to or socialize in the school. I've probably had as many great interactions with parents waiting to pick up DD from school or dropping off in the morning as I have at any actual school-sponsored event.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hated being the only Asian kid in my ES classes in NYC. The kids were a mix of low SES AA and Latino and lower middle class white. I was called chink a lot by the AA crew. Kids often pulled on the corners of their eyes to push my buttons. After my parents (whose English was weak) complained to the school through a social worker who speaks their language, my torturers upped their game.

My memories of major ES stress motivated me to buy in a district of a school that's majority white. Maybe AA kids in this city would have been tolerant of an Asian classmate, but I'm not willing to find out if this is true. Being the only white kid in the grade and being the only Asian kid in the grade don't compute.

We had a surprisingly good experience at DCPS summer school where child was one of the few kids who wasn't AA. But we have to work hard at fixing the problem of child having learned to pepper speech with obscenities there.

OP here.

My DD has picked up some bad language on the playground as well. We continue to reinforce that if her friends use that language, that is for them and their parents to discuss. The rule in our family is that she's not allowed to use grown up bad words. I provided her some hilarious alternatives to swears, but she is already pretty familiar with the "our family, our rules, their family, their rules" concept.

[Anonymous]

Bad words and bad behavior is not exclusive to lower income AA kids as you all continue to allude to. The notion itself is racist and wrong. We are at a HRCS and the constant trouble makers (3rd grade) are 3 high SES white boys and 1 black boy (high SES as well). There is also one white girl (higher SES) who is a bully. One of the white boys says the F word regularly and is physically uncontrollable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Bad words and bad behavior is not exclusive to lower income AA kids as you all continue to allude to. The notion itself is racist and wrong. We are at a HRCS and the constant trouble makers (3rd grade) are 3 high SES white boys and 1 black boy (high SES as well). There is also one white girl (higher SES) who is a bully. One of the white boys says the F word regularly and is physically uncontrollable.

Spare us the holier than though rant. Yea, there are difficult, bullying, potty-mouthed kids of every race and creed in DC public schools; everybody knows this. Problem is, housing project AA kids live in such difficult circumstances in this city that behavioral issues are more common in this population than in others, and threatening environments don't make for great learning environments. DC Public Charter's usual answer to the problem, marching (and pushing) low SES kids around like they attend junior military academies, is just one of a confluence of forces promoting greater segregation by class. High SES families are seldom OK with that approach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Bad words and bad behavior is not exclusive to lower income AA kids as you all continue to allude to. The notion itself is racist and wrong. We are at a HRCS and the constant trouble makers (3rd grade) are 3 high SES white boys and 1 black boy (high SES as well). There is also one white girl (higher SES) who is a bully. One of the white boys says the F word regularly and is physically uncontrollable.

OP here. I agree with this completely. I was responding specifically to the PP who mentioned this as a concern based on interactions with DCPS kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think that it is awesome that you are so invested in your child's school experience. The reason that I think this is that I was a white student in a majority African American school when I was younger and my parents were nowhere near as interested in my school experience than you are. While the experience was very eye opening and has helped me become who I am today, it would have been easier if my parents understood that there are struggles when one is a minority anywhere, especially when you are one of few white kids in your class.

Being a minority in a high ses white school is much different. Those children are taught to be inclusive and cordial to all regardless of color. When you are the minority in a lower ses minority majority those kids tend to exclude others and are not behaved. Furthermore society especially their society promotes the idea that reverse racism doesn't exist and is acceptable

You cannot be serious, being a minority in a majority white school can be very isolating.

+1 I am reading this thread, like this was my life in reverse. And now the beginning life of my son who is only 3, but the only AA in his daycare. Tend to exclude others and are not behaved...as if this does not happen in a majority white school?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought this was really interesting OP! My oldest DD is about to start PK3 at a DCPS, where there is at least a chance she may be the only white kid. (We plan on moving out of the DC area sometime in the next couple of years; so the longterm value of the feeder schools isn't an issue for us, and the early childhood program seems amazing. But do you have any advice for connecting with other parents and students as the "only"?

Yes. Talk to them! Your child's teacher is your ally in this. If your child talks about a specific friend often, ask your child's teacher for the contact information of that child's parents. Invite them to a playdate. We started at parks that were near the school, which felt like good neutral ground. As we have gotten to know each other better, we go to each other's houses. To the extent that your school has a parent organization, participate in it, but keep in mind that the PTA isn't the only way that parents contribute to or socialize in the school. I've probably had as many great interactions with parents waiting to pick up DD from school or dropping off in the morning as I have at any actual school-sponsored event.

To add to this, say good morning, say hi at pickup. Ask people which child is theirs when you're both looking at the artwork hanging in the halls, etc. it took me some time to break through. Go to the BBQ or other events if there are any, volunteer in the classroom and get to know your child's classmates. I was able to volunteer twice a month last year just for 3 months and I started getting hugs from all my child's classmates almost every day at drop off and pick up. When that happens, the parents are nice to you as well.

It took time for me to breakthrough, but it can be done and don't give up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Usually, people here say they're seeking diversity. Is that not something you value?

Not the OP, but . . . my kid was also the only white kid in his class (as far as I could tell, in the whole school) for a while. I do value diversity, but I felt like since his social interactions with family and parents' friends are mostly with white people, being in a majority black school would actually increase his exposure to racial diversity, not diminish it. Having so many classmates who are black helped to diversify our social lives, but not to the point where I felt like our son lacked for white role models, peers, etc. Yes, it would be more ideal if both our social circles and our school were integrated before, but that isn't how things were.

My son was never excluded and had many friends at that school. So much so that sometimes I wondered if people were being extra nice to him because he was the only white kid.

[Anonymous]

Something I observed in my daughter's classroom was a staff dedicated to helping kids from all sorts of backgrounds and parents also dedicated to helping their child... but the two different forces not agreeing on what the help should mean, and both sides at times taking offense or going on the defensive with the other about the help.

Bridging these kinds of communication gaps isn't easy, and there's a lot of things that are entrenched in our culture that can't all be blamed on black poor people, as so many here seem to do as often as possible
.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op have you read the book fortress of solitude? Part of the book involves the protagonists experience as one of the few white people at a majority black school. His experience sounded very isolating. Are you worried your daughter might exoerience that? Do you think you'd know if she were having trouble, esp as she gets older? I was an only child in a neighborhood with only 1 other child and I was very lonely. When we moved to a neighborhood with tons of kids I was so much happier. I liked school a lot in both places even though the former was very diverse and the latter not - both school experiences were great but the social experience was so much better when we moved. It wasn't about race just about one neighborhood having lots more families of young kids. But places with better performing schools tend to be where you find lots of kids.

Your loneliness being an only kid in a neighborhood is NOTHING like what OP describes.

This was my experience for a few years in DC PP. I was so lonely, and sometimes scared. There was a lot of talk of jumping, which I now realize was mostly talk, but it scared me. I will look for this book. I haven't read through this whole thread but the fact that OP socializes with the families at the school is very important. The school I went to I don't think many families socialized period, so social life came down to the school day and I didn't really have one except as the teachers pet.

[Anonymous]

Good for you! My older daughter is one of the only, well hakf- white, half-asian, but there Is only one other white kid in her grade level. Dcps. I actually never counted, realky. For my younger one in prek, there's a lot more diversity. We have been very happy with the school and the kids. Parents are always the biggest disappointnent, and i mean both high and low income parents. Either too involved and pushy or pushy in another sense and not involved.

[Anonymous]

I did not read through the entire thread so I am wondering whether OP lives in Takoma Park. I ask because it's known as being ultra-liberal hippie town and a sanctuary city at the same thing. Lots of Hispanics in the elementary schools there.