Husbands with SAHMs that prefer they work

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've done both SAHM and WOHM. I can assure you, when I'm in a SAHM mode I am doing lots of fun things for myself- exercise classes, tennis, hiking, meeting friends for coffee, meeting friends for lunch, etc... I know that I'm taking care of the kids and household but I make a point of doing things that I like doing and not feeling guilty about it.

No reason to feel guilty about not working and enjoying life. The haters are so aggressive because they feel bad about their own life or have some sort of other issue. From the comments it seems like the pp has messed up views on relationships and men. Or doesn't get that a marriage is much more than a paycheck and who does what.

I'd love to see how much more a marriage would be about if the paychecks stopped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've done both SAHM and WOHM. I can assure you, when I'm in a SAHM mode I am doing lots of fun things for myself- exercise classes, tennis, hiking, meeting friends for coffee, meeting friends for lunch, etc... I know that I'm taking care of the kids and household but I make a point of doing things that I like doing and not feeling guilty about it.

I call bullshit. I've been a SAHM for 3 years and I haven't had time to exercise that whole time. I met friends for coffee when my first was <1, but that's about it. Sure, I see friends during activities and hang outs, but it's not exactly leisure time to watch a bunch of mobile kids destroy a house or try to kill themselves at the playground. You have never been any such thing.

So why do you do it if you have less free time than if you worked?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's a big difference between being a SAHM with small children who require constant supervision, and being the SAHM for adolescent children.

Yeah but who cares? If you're married and don't want to work what's the problem??

you're lazy, not living up to your intellectual potential and you're living off someone else. Or so the arguments go.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Plan ahead and do your homework, girls. Don't be like me and get stuck with a loser who can't afford to keep things a float and APPRECIATE a woman playing a traditional role, if that is what you want.

I regret marrying my husband every day. I thought I was marrying for love but I was just being an idiot.

I bet he regrets marrying a leech.

Or it could be a partnership where each spouse contributes different things? Or maybe the husband doesn't solely judge his wife on her job or lack thereof? Is being a sahm anymore of a leech than a child?

A teenager does not need constant, one on one hands on care (barring special needs). What exactly is the SAH spouse "contributing" at that point that equals an income that will benefit everyone?

Cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry, gift buying/wrapping, home maintenance, etc. At that point its more like a homemaker.

Also, some of us are married to husbands who make so much that the incremental income we'd bring is not needed and would barely be noticed. Its not like we are living on credit card debt or skipping college/retirement savings for me to stay home. Quite the opposite.

Your happy with your contributions to the world being cooking, cleaning, and gift buying? Even if you don't need the money...if you're no longer actively raising to the kids don't you feel any need to contribute beyond maintaining your things?

Yes, its a better "contribution" than working at Loft or as an instructional aide at the local elementary school, or as somebody's admin for $15/hour, which are basically the jobs I am qualified for at this point. Seems a little ridiculous to work for so little when my husband makes $400k/year.

Why did you let your employability deteriorate to the point you're financially dependent on your husband?

It sort of comes with the territory of SAH. Yes, if you have a solid profession and a specific field of work you can keep up with your field - to a degree. With me, I had a broader supervisory type roll. My work experience simply became less relevant the longer I stayed out of work. Especially with changing technology. It is head spinning how much has changed since I left my job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am amazed that some people in this thread are trying to shame women who want to stay at home. That's like trying to shame a man for wanting to avoid monogamy and sleep around - you really can't shame people for extremely strong instinctive imperatives because they are impervious to it.

The majority of women want to be married to someone who makes their lives as carefree as possible. Are they entitled to it? No. But if they can pull it off they are "winning."

If a woman is not naturally career driven (I think most people know this about themselves when they are kids) she should do everything she can to marry a man who can provide as much as possible, in terms of some agreeable combination of $$ and willingness to help with household duties.

I threw up in my mouth. Parents should cultivate career mindedness in their offspring, rather than training the girls to give good bjs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've done both SAHM and WOHM. I can assure you, when I'm in a SAHM mode I am doing lots of fun things for myself- exercise classes, tennis, hiking, meeting friends for coffee, meeting friends for lunch, etc... I know that I'm taking care of the kids and household but I make a point of doing things that I like doing and not feeling guilty about it.

Only if you were a stay at home with a nanny. Or your children are 12 and 14. Because NO WAY.

Being a SAH parent is SO much harder than going to work. Especially when the kids are very little, like before school aged.

Yes, we can do fun things (hit the museums! go meet friends!) but you are always always ON and watching that toddler/infant/child. It is never YOU time. Unless, of course, you are a SAH with a nanny (and maybe a housekeeper). Which is fine. But for your average SAH parent ... no.

Imagine working a stressful job and then being "ON" the rest of your life. Easy, no?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's a big difference between being a SAHM with small children who require constant supervision, and being the SAHM for adolescent children.

Yeah but who cares? If you're married and don't want to work what's the problem??

Sure, but if a spouse comes home to a clean house, dinner on the table, and all domestic tasks attended to (including chauffering adolescent children around), why would s/he complain? If I made enough $$, I'd love to have a SAHH to take care of those things!

I married my spouse for intellectual companionship and because we had a good balance of power. I don't think a SAHS has any power; those tasks can all be outsourced. Believe it or not, I'd much rather my spouse work than cater to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've done both SAHM and WOHM. I can assure you, when I'm in a SAHM mode I am doing lots of fun things for myself- exercise classes, tennis, hiking, meeting friends for coffee, meeting friends for lunch, etc... I know that I'm taking care of the kids and household but I make a point of doing things that I like doing and not feeling guilty about it.

Only if you were a stay at home with a nanny. Or your children are 12 and 14. Because NO WAY.

Being a SAH parent is SO much harder than going to work. Especially when the kids are very little, like before school aged.

Yes, we can do fun things (hit the museums! go meet friends!) but you are always always ON and watching that toddler/infant/child. It is never YOU time. Unless, of course, you are a SAH with a nanny (and maybe a housekeeper). Which is fine. But for your average SAH parent ... no.

If it's so much harder and you hate it so much and get a job. This is what kills me. It is a freaking choice and a luxury.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's a big difference between being a SAHM with small children who require constant supervision, and being the SAHM for adolescent children.

Yeah but who cares? If you're married and don't want to work what's the problem??

Sure, but if a spouse comes home to a clean house, dinner on the table, and all domestic tasks attended to (including chauffeuring adolescent children around), why would s/he complain? If I made enough $$, I'd love to have a SAHH to take care of those things!

Some people may not consider needing to help run a vacuum a few times a week, make dinner, and join the kids for activities a "burden" as much as needing to be the sole financial provider for a family is.

And some people would happily be the sole financial provider for the family, as long as the spouse is available at home for the kids. Wow! What a concept!!!

My sole provider DH wants me at home with the kids, ever since he started to make big bucks. Before that, we both were working and our child was in daycare. We felt very guilty about it, and really stretched for time with work, kids and home. If we were not financially able to have the lifestyle we want to have with one salary, I would have been working.

And because we can afford it, I have ample help at home. My entire family has leisure time to pursue our interests now, including my husband. The quality of life for us and our children really sucked when both of us were working. Now my husband is happy that I am available for whatever help the kids need during the day. My kids know that mom is always available if they need me, and I am not guilt-ridden that I am missing out on my kids childhood.

Just because you and your husband couldn't or didn't want to make it work as two working parents doesn't mean your experience is universal. I am certainly not missing out on my kids' childhoods [sic] because I have a career.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH did not strike me as a traditional man, but he never touched my earnings. My money was my money, and his money was our money. As a result, I saved every penny I earned, retired at 40, stayed at home with my kids, and had household help.

We are not living the high life but we are certainly living a very good life. We are on track for retirement and college. My husband treats me like a queen, and helps out with household chores when he can. I am surprised to hear husbands resenting their wives, because my husband is actually grateful that I left my job and stayed home with the kids.

My husband is happy for any family related reason - sports, doctor's appointments, helping the kids buy new sneakers - to take leave and spend time with his children. He would resent me if I forced him into a job with more hours and stress, and much less family time. [b]Why should one spouse have all the family related work, and one spouse have all the paid work? [b]Not good for the parents' relationships with their kids, or for financial stability, or stress.[[/b]

I totally agree, and not a good dynamic to set up for kids either (Dad brings in the money and Mom's life revolves completely around them, even into their teens).

Having worked until my kids were well in school, I can tell you that our relationship with the kids improved, financial stability really improved, and stress all decreased when I started staying at home. It doesn't work the same way for every couple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's a big difference between being a SAHM with small children who require constant supervision, and being the SAHM for adolescent children.

Yeah but who cares? If you're married and don't want to work what's the problem??

Sure, but if a spouse comes home to a clean house, dinner on the table, and all domestic tasks attended to (including chauffeuring adolescent children around), why would s/he complain? If I made enough $$, I'd love to have a SAHH to take care of those things!

Some people may not consider needing to help run a vacuum a few times a week, make dinner, and join the kids for activities a "burden" as much as needing to be the sole financial provider for a family is.

And some people would happily be the sole financial provider for the family, as long as the spouse is available at home for the kids. Wow! What a concept!!!

My sole provider DH wants me at home with the kids, ever since he started to make big bucks. Before that, we both were working and our child was in daycare. We felt very guilty about it, and really stretched for time with work, kids and home. If we were not financially able to have the lifestyle we want to have with one salary, I would have been working.

And because we can afford it, I have ample help at home. My entire family has leisure time to pursue our interests now, including my husband. The quality of life for us and our children really sucked when both of us were working. Now my husband is happy that I am available for whatever help the kids need during the day. My kids know that mom is always available if they need me, and I am not guilt-ridden that I am missing out on my kids childhood.

Just because you and your husband couldn't or didn't want to make it work as two working parents doesn't mean your experience is universal. I am certainly not missing out on my kids' childhoods [sic] because I have a career.

I totally agree with this and I'm a SAHM. I think that good parents are good parents whether they SAH or both spouses work. You do what is best for your own family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a SAHM to teens and tweens. I have a few advanced degrees and never thought i'd be in this situation. I always thought "what the hell do these women DO all day long?". I've intended to go back for years. But the truth of the matter is that I don't know where to begin. I've been out of the workforce for 15+ years. It's a completely different world out there. I didn't keep in touch with old colleagues. Also, my children are very active in sports - they all play at least one, up to three travel/select sports, plus high school sports each season. I start driving children around at 4:15pm and conclude around 10pm, every single day. I'm sometimes in my car up to 6 hours a night. I can't imagine doing that after a full day of work. Not to mention all of the things that people who work during the week do on the weekends, I can't do. Dry cleaning, grocery store, hardware store, Target, whatever.... I'm usually at a gym/field/court/etc. And that is sometimes 6am-8pm. Could my kids cut back on activities, sure. But if I'm home, they don't need to.

I think may be some resentment , financially, but I also thing that my husband knows the reality is that our household would be a disaster if I worked. AND he'd have to do a LOT more. I get up at 6am every day to make lunches, walk the dogs, etc. If I was working the same hours he was, we'd be sharing that responsibility. I take the kids to school every day - again, he'd have to pitch in on that. Grocery shopping - yep. Carpool - again, yes. I think he does understand that and appreciates it.

I think it sucks on many levels but it is where we are at right now, and I don't really know how to change it.

So, what is your DH doing while you're driving kids around all evening? Staying at home with the other kids? Coming with (so basically he's driving the kids around too?) What is he subject to after his Full day of work? A house that's vacuumed, but a wife who won't be home until 10pm? Doesn't sound like a happy situation to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Apparently reading comprehension is not one of the skills required by SAHM - the thread TITLE is "Husbands which SAHM that prefers they work", not "why SAHMs should not have to work".

There are many valid reasons why husbands would prefer a spouse that works, even part time. Not everyone is flush with money and unlimited resources, or wants a spouse at home. Kudos to those who do, but it's rarely the norm.

That's the crux. Usually both spouse work because both income is required. However, the SAHM bashing is always started by those WOHMs who are married to low earning DHs. When women are married to high earners and when they do not have to work to pay the bills, usually, they are not resentful of other people's choices. Such women want to work because their work is challenging and fulfilling to them. When you are working just for the paycheck, then the resentment starts for other women who are on the "gravy train".

Not true. My husband makes plenty of money but I do sometimes make fun of SAHMs because I think it's silly to give up your own career and identity to take care of others, but yes, that's my issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This question is for husbands only with SAHMs who really preferred their wives were working. I'm assuming you were okay with the arrangement before but what changed your mind?

I never changed my mind. My wife just decided to stop working. Then she got pregnant, had a kid, sayed home till school age by plan. Now, she continues to SAH, even though the child is 16.

And does she clean the house, grocery shop, cook dinner, etc. so that you don't have to? Good assistants, chefs, chauffers, maids, and nannies are expensive, you know!

PS Some wives clean, grocery shop, cook dinner, etc. PLUS hold down full time jobs. Shocking, I know. I even have kids still at home who sometimes need to be driven to activities, etc.

You win ok? You do more than us!! Fine with me! I am happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think DHs who resent their SAH wives are ones who are low earners and need the additional income.

Agreed. I bring a trust fund to the table and my husband is a high earner. Our three kids are in early elementary school. I'm happy keeping our home running smoothly and cooking healthy meals, allowing the kids to be active in sports, and to enjoy our low key relaxed summers. Anyone who would judge us for being happy with how our family runs has their own issues.

What mutual interests do you and your husband share, other than your children?