Reply to Do you tell the wife that her wonderful husband cheated on her for two years?

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Reply to "Do you tell the wife that her wonderful husband cheated on her for two years?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I AM aware.  I went through it!!   I hate to be snarky, but you are lecturing someone who has lived through a cheating spouse. I am simply giving you another perspective.  I have the benefit of understanding 100% how a woman would feel discovering that and, yes, that would impact my decision to tell someone about their spouse.  Hypotheitcal:  Would you tell someone if you had a strong feeling that they would harm themselves, the spouse or the AP?  Would you tell someone that you knew would fly off the deep end emotionally?  All I am saying is that this an emotional, highly charged issue that involves real people.  I just do not think the "right" to tell her is absolute and always the best thing to do.

That being said, I do not begrudge anyone who feels differently.  IMO, our differeing opinions illustrate just how complicated this issue can be. [/quote]

Yes.  I would prefer to tell them in a matter of fact, private and compassionate way.  [b]I would have no control over what they did with the i[/b]nformation but this idea that they will always find out only when and if they want to find out and on their own terms is  ludicrous.  This bomb has the potential to go off at any moment - any time, any place, anywhere.  Just because you keep it a deep dark secret doesn't make it any less true or any less volatile.

Better to hear it privately, calm and matter of fact.  That is just my opinion.[/quote]

And that to me signifies the issue.  How can be sure you are doing the right thing if you do not know how the info will be received? You are essentially saying that you would tell the person and you think that you have no moral accountability for telling her.  That is the specific type of person that I would NOT want telling me. Frankly, I do not think you have the right to impose information on people without consequence nor do you have the right to decide what is ludicrous in someone else's marriage.  In situations like this, what you want and what you think the DW should want are not the priority. I would hope that you would have enough "compassion" to make a determination as whether telling her is the right thing to do under the specific circumstances. [/quote]

NP, you NEVER know how someone will receive emotionally devastating info.  But that does NOT relieve me, as a close friend or family member, of the responsibility to tell them they're being deceived!  The cheating spouse is the one who planted the poisonous seeds and broke trust.  I would be livid if I found out a close friend/relative knew of my spouse or significant other cheating on me and didn't tell me.

Of course the impact is heavy and the fallout usually tremendous.  But that is all predictably a part of what happens when a spouse cheats.  The damage is done in the cheating, and the exposure is awful but the exposure is NOT the wrong.  The cheating is.[/quote]

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