What makes kids so expensive?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Daycare-preschool was a biggie for us. About $15K a year. When our daughter started elementary school, we started to see about $5K a year in savings. A month of after school care costs us a bit more than a week of daycare/preschool did. Summer camps run per week a bit more than what a week of daycare cost. Activities have ramped up - we spend about $1,200/year for dance class and gear (one class, year-round) and maybe another $800 for sports and sports gear. I figure that probably 1/3 of my food bill (we're a family of one parent/one child) goes toward my daughter. Formula and diapers cost us about $100/month; that was a nice expense to get rid of. Clothing costs can be expensive - you're literally replacing an entire wardrobe twice a year, plus things like coats, swimsuits, shoes, etc.

College funding is whatever you choose to spend - for me, that now replaces the money I used to put into my Roth IRA. Child care for dates/social engagements/workouts can run you $12-$15/hour. Travel - it affects your choice of where you stay, the room you get and how many tickets you have to buy. Health/dental insurance. Copays. Prescriptions. Life insurance that's higher because you have a dependent.

Intangible expenses are a biggie - I definitely have a much more expensive house now that I have a child than I would have before. Without her, I'd be in a two-bedroom in a bad school district. With her, I'm in a 3-bedroom house in a good school district. And you generally need a car with a kid - without her, I might not have one because I metro/bus everywhere otherwise.

I estimate that my daughter cost about $27K last year and including food, clothing, entertainment, etc. I make just over $100K.

Bad idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even at a public school, there are fundraisers -- stuff that your kids have to sell, times when you are expected to donate, teacher gifts. With multiple kids, this can easily be a couple of hundred dollars a year.

Even in a cheap activity like Girl Scouts, you have to sell cookies, pay for a camping trip, a uniform, a badge, your kid will want to go to camp.

When your kids get older, you may be comfortable being the only parent to tell the kid they can't go on the expensive field trip with school, the only one in Spanish class not going to the Mexican restaurant, the only one in the choir not going on the trip to Boston or Disneyworld or something, but many of us prefer not to stigmatize our children.

You may be comfortable never taking your child to a movie, a play, a restaurant, etc. but your child will feel funny in college if they have never done any of these things.

For the woman above, do you routinely RSVP no to birthday parties? Do you not hold birthday parties? On some level, I admire your stance -- but I haven't figured out how to check out of the cycle of consumption without also checking out of modern life and the social circle of neighbors and school friends, etc. How do you maintain friendships with people if you don't do the same activities?

For me it is not about stigma/keeping up appearances/keeping up with the Joneses. It is about enriching their lives.

I guess I'm just not in the same social circles as you.

Where did I say that my kids didn't go to birthday parties? Or that they never went to restaurants or plays or traveled? I said that we spend relatively little on our kids not that they are free. We have always given to charity so giving to their school is no different and doesn't increase our overall charitable gifts budget.

How much do you spend to attend a birthday party? Most of the parties my kids get invited to say "no gifts". Cost = zero. If we take a gift it's usually $10-15, which is the norm. And, yes, we've had birthday parties for the kids every year of their lives. We either hold them at home or at a park. I never tallied up how much I spent but it's not a big expense. I make a cake and pizza (both from scratch), we buy some decorations (not expensive) and the kids run around and have fun and play and do what kids do. most expensive thing has probably been beer and wine for the parents. But these aren't big dos -- just a handful of kids and their parents. They are absolutely 100 percent in keeping with what their friends (and our friends) do. And fun too.

As for enrichment -- we live in the DC area! I'll admit that my kids have never been to a movie, but that's not been for financial reasons. This past weekend they had a birthday party (no gift), we went to the Kingman Island Bluegrass Festival (free for kids), to the American History Museum on the Mall (free) and hiked in a nearby state park (free). They also played soccer with some friends at the local rec center (free). Far from them missing out, I think we do more with our kids than pretty much any family we know and that they've had more experiences and enrichment than they'd get from me paying hundreds of dollars for them to attend a soccer or karate class or learn violin.

Your kids can't appreciate what they don't have. My parents put me through 8 years of classical music education plus figure skating lessons with language tutors, and I am very grateful I had that experience instead of free soccer games at wherever happened to be free.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
This is exactly why you rich people complain that you can't make it on $300k a year.

We have a wonderful family life and feel very lucky with where we're at financially and what we can do, but I have absolutely ZERO inclination to spend money on things that the rich idiots on this thread claim are essential for their children.

Our children are still young - 7 and 4 - but have cost us relatively little. We live in the same house we lived in pre kids and drive the same car, kids get a lot of their clothes from thrift stores, go to public charter schools, we've never paid a dime for child care (work out our schedules around the kids, trade babysitting with neighbors and friends). They eat what we eat and always have done - not much added to our grocery bill. When they were younger we used cloth diapers and breastfed, no interest in spending money for formula when it's free, warm and convenient straight from the breast. Also potty trained both and completely rid of diapers including overnight before age 2. We have an HMO which covers all our medical needs and costs less per month than our pre-kid insurance.

We go out much less now that we have kids. We drink less with kids than we used to. No more theater tickets or comedy tickets, or nights out to see live music. Or at least not very often. Ditto the movies. We socialize in different ways now but overall, likely save money.

My kids don't go to expensive camps, they are not signed up for expensive sports or activities. We do activities together as a family every weekend, go to the library often, have playdates. Take advantage of neighborhood activities (free) or those offered by parks and rec, including their summer camp.

Our biggest additional expense from kids is travel. While we now take them camping for a weekend a few times a summer when pre kids we might have stayed in a B and B, we also fly a couple of times a year which is now twice as expensive with four tickets. We also travel overseas every year or two years and have to rent a larger car than we'd done previously. And if not camping or staying with family we have to rent a larger apartment or vacation rental for the four of us.

So really, OP, don't let the freaking nutty people on this thread persuade you that it's normal to drop thousands on summer camp and sports and pool membership and on buying McMansions in the burbs in a good school district with all the other Stepford wives. This is a very skewed audience. Normal people work out how they can feed their kids and keep them in clothes and shoes, rather than justifying just how talented their kid is so that they feel better about dropping $300 a month on violin lessons.

Signed - parent of two kids, very comfortable with an HHI of about $95k

Actually, no. A real skewed audience are a group of people who were lucky enough to buy houses big enough for two kids in DC while it was still affordable, and now act like it was an act of superior intelligence on their part. Normal people, as it happens, are trying to work out how to house their growing families (without relying on equity in real estate bought in pre-bubble times) in locations without grueling commutes or stress of charter school applications - all without selling their kidneys to pay for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Person who doesn't have to pay for childcare, above, which is a huge reason kids are expensive: what is your spouses work situation. How do you cover all the hours? I'm trying to understand how you make this work. Seriously. Thanks.

Happy to answer you (though not the rest of the defensive angry crowd).

Kids are in school. School starts at 8:30am but they can be dropped off at 8am. It finishes at 4pm. Husband takes them to school, I pick them up. This is a pretty identical situation to many families.

My husband is self employed and can set his own hours -- though he does work full time. Kids both have late Sept birthday so started school before they turned 3. Before that we worked it out on a combination of husband taking care of them (most of the time) and working during naps or when I'm home, using my employer's back up child care (a fairly common benefit), occasional childcare/babysitting swaps with other dads who had kids at home during the day, my maternity leave (I took the max x2 which is 22 weeks in DC), and my PTO. I work for a non-profit (full time, regular full time hours) and while the salary is not great the benefits are. I get 6 weeks PTO per year and they also offer free back up childcare for 20 days per child per year.

During the summer, their school has offered a free camp for 6 weeks in previous years. And we use a combination of the above -- their dad, me, back up care -- plus family vacation, and 2 weeks DPR camp for $50 a week (yes, I missed this when I said we didn't pay a dime -- that's the one exception). We may pay more for inexpensive camps in the future (say $150 a week), but I am certainly never spending $5k or 10k per summer on camps.

I've met many parents in similar situations, so I know that we're not unique. Either one parent is self employed or freelance, or works a night shift or other non-traditional hours, or is an academic with a light teaching schedule who can fit work around school pick up and drop off -- many other combinations can make it work.

That, along with your low-pressure non-profit job, tells me why you only make 95K a year and have to choose free activities over paid ones. Your approach to child-raising is called "making virtue out of necessity" since it doesn't seem like activities that cost money are in the cards for you. There's nothing wrong with not making very much money, but you and your kids do what you have to do. Not whatever you want to do. Not everyone wants that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Question for the very frugal PP. I am intrigued by your lifestyle. But here's a question: You and your DH both work FT and yet your HHI is just $99K. Do you think you could make better salaries if you were to have just a bit of steady childcare? Seems like you could have a lot of earnings potential with your determination and good writing skills. Do you aspire to higher salaries? I just feel like there are a lot of opportunity costs here. Perhaps one of you could just try to work FT and make more, and then one of you could just stay home instead of doing this big juggle?

To be honest, I don't think it's much of a juggle. About 10 years ago (pre kids) I turned down several job offers with six figure salaries in favor of my current job which offers more flexibility and more regular hours (e.g. I work 40 hours rather than 50-60), plus less travel, than the higher paid jobs would have done. It was the right choice then, and even more so now -- I have no interest in seeking out those opportunities again. Plus the extra money wouldn't significantly offset the additional costs or stresses on the family.

My husband likely will become an employee somewhere at some point in the next few years which will increase his earning power. However, he works in a very low paying field and there's little scope for him to earn a lot more without a major career change. Plus he finds his work fulfilling on the whole, which is important. If he does take a job where he is a full time employee for an organization we may have to look at other childcare options, though I still think it likely that he could take the kids to school before work and I could pick them up afterwards. That's a common arrangement for many families and he prefers to start work later and I prefer to start earlier.

I am glad that it has worked out for this PP to live so frugally with kids. It sounds like they are a success story. I have a friend who worked as an attorney at a company, and her husband was a firefighter. They tried to get by without child care because he worked at night, and she worked during the day. But they eventually realized that they needed childcare services because neither of them was getting any sleep, which made for cranky parents.

Sorry, but no one who makes 95K between two parents is a success story. I find it the opposite of inspirational. If I wanted to make 50K for the rest of my life, I didn't have to move to the U.S.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I guess I'm just not in the same social circles as you.

Where did I say that my kids didn't go to birthday parties? Or that they never went to restaurants or plays or traveled? I said that we spend relatively little on our kids not that they are free. We have always given to charity so giving to their school is no different and doesn't increase our overall charitable gifts budget.

How much do you spend to attend a birthday party? Most of the parties my kids get invited to say "no gifts". Cost = zero. If we take a gift it's usually $10-15, which is the norm. And, yes, we've had birthday parties for the kids every year of their lives. We either hold them at home or at a park. I never tallied up how much I spent but it's not a big expense. I make a cake and pizza (both from scratch), we buy some decorations (not expensive) and the kids run around and have fun and play and do what kids do. most expensive thing has probably been beer and wine for the parents. But these aren't big dos -- just a handful of kids and their parents. They are absolutely 100 percent in keeping with what their friends (and our friends) do. And fun too.

As for enrichment -- we live in the DC area! I'll admit that my kids have never been to a movie, but that's not been for financial reasons. This past weekend they had a birthday party (no gift), we went to the Kingman Island Bluegrass Festival (free for kids), to the American History Museum on the Mall (free) and hiked in a nearby state park (free). They also played soccer with some friends at the local rec center (free). Far from them missing out, I think we do more with our kids than pretty much any family we know and that they've had more experiences and enrichment than they'd get from me paying hundreds of dollars for them to attend a soccer or karate class or learn violin.

Your kids can't appreciate what they don't have. My parents put me through 8 years of classical music education plus figure skating lessons with language tutors, and I am very grateful I had that experience instead of free soccer games at wherever happened to be free.

No kidding! I'm surprised PP can stand up with that chip on her shoulder. Who scoffs at other parents for being able to afford to give their kids music lessons?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Person who doesn't have to pay for childcare, above, which is a huge reason kids are expensive: what is your spouses work situation. How do you cover all the hours? I'm trying to understand how you make this work. Seriously. Thanks.

Happy to answer you (though not the rest of the defensive angry crowd).

Er...you, in your very first post, called people who aren't like you "freaking nutty", Stepford wife suburban McMansion-dwellers and THEY are the ones who are angry and defensive?

Really?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even at a public school, there are fundraisers -- stuff that your kids have to sell, times when you are expected to donate, teacher gifts. With multiple kids, this can easily be a couple of hundred dollars a year.

Even in a cheap activity like Girl Scouts, you have to sell cookies, pay for a camping trip, a uniform, a badge, your kid will want to go to camp.

When your kids get older, you may be comfortable being the only parent to tell the kid they can't go on the expensive field trip with school, the only one in Spanish class not going to the Mexican restaurant, the only one in the choir not going on the trip to Boston or Disneyworld or something, but many of us prefer not to stigmatize our children.

You may be comfortable never taking your child to a movie, a play, a restaurant, etc. but your child will feel funny in college if they have never done any of these things.

For the woman above, do you routinely RSVP no to birthday parties? Do you not hold birthday parties? On some level, I admire your stance -- but I haven't figured out how to check out of the cycle of consumption without also checking out of modern life and the social circle of neighbors and school friends, etc. How do you maintain friendships with people if you don't do the same activities?

For me it is not about stigma/keeping up appearances/keeping up with the Joneses. It is about enriching their lives.

I guess I'm just not in the same social circles as you.

Where did I say that my kids didn't go to birthday parties? Or that they never went to restaurants or plays or traveled? I said that we spend relatively little on our kids not that they are free. We have always given to charity so giving to their school is no different and doesn't increase our overall charitable gifts budget.

How much do you spend to attend a birthday party? Most of the parties my kids get invited to say "no gifts". Cost = zero. If we take a gift it's usually $10-15, which is the norm. And, yes, we've had birthday parties for the kids every year of their lives. We either hold them at home or at a park. I never tallied up how much I spent but it's not a big expense. I make a cake and pizza (both from scratch), we buy some decorations (not expensive) and the kids run around and have fun and play and do what kids do. most expensive thing has probably been beer and wine for the parents. But these aren't big dos -- just a handful of kids and their parents. They are absolutely 100 percent in keeping with what their friends (and our friends) do. And fun too.

As for enrichment -- we live in the DC area! I'll admit that my kids have never been to a movie, but that's not been for financial reasons. This past weekend they had a birthday party (no gift), we went to the Kingman Island Bluegrass Festival (free for kids), to the American History Museum on the Mall (free) and hiked in a nearby state park (free). They also played soccer with some friends at the local rec center (free). Far from them missing out, I think we do more with our kids than pretty much any family we know and that they've had more experiences and enrichment than they'd get from me paying hundreds of dollars for them to attend a soccer or karate class or learn violin.

Your kids can't appreciate what they don't have. My parents put me through 8 years of classical music education plus figure skating lessons with language tutors, and I am very grateful I had that experience instead of free soccer games at wherever happened to be free.

Really? My parents spent time with me instead of money. Lots family activities and events all through my childhood. I am very grateful I had that experience instead of them throwing money at some activity I only moderately liked, or worse still, being pushy about my cultural pursuits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Person who doesn't have to pay for childcare, above, which is a huge reason kids are expensive: what is your spouses work situation. How do you cover all the hours? I'm trying to understand how you make this work. Seriously. Thanks.

Happy to answer you (though not the rest of the defensive angry crowd).

Kids are in school. School starts at 8:30am but they can be dropped off at 8am. It finishes at 4pm. Husband takes them to school, I pick them up. This is a pretty identical situation to many families.

My husband is self employed and can set his own hours -- though he does work full time. Kids both have late Sept birthday so started school before they turned 3. Before that we worked it out on a combination of husband taking care of them (most of the time) and working during naps or when I'm home, using my employer's back up child care (a fairly common benefit), occasional childcare/babysitting swaps with other dads who had kids at home during the day, my maternity leave (I took the max x2 which is 22 weeks in DC), and my PTO. I work for a non-profit (full time, regular full time hours) and while the salary is not great the benefits are. I get 6 weeks PTO per year and they also offer free back up childcare for 20 days per child per year.

During the summer, their school has offered a free camp for 6 weeks in previous years. And we use a combination of the above -- their dad, me, back up care -- plus family vacation, and 2 weeks DPR camp for $50 a week (yes, I missed this when I said we didn't pay a dime -- that's the one exception). We may pay more for inexpensive camps in the future (say $150 a week), but I am certainly never spending $5k or 10k per summer on camps.

I've met many parents in similar situations, so I know that we're not unique. Either one parent is self employed or freelance, or works a night shift or other non-traditional hours, or is an academic with a light teaching schedule who can fit work around school pick up and drop off -- many other combinations can make it work.

That, along with your low-pressure non-profit job, tells me why you only make 95K a year and have to choose free activities over paid ones. Your approach to child-raising is called "making virtue out of necessity" since it doesn't seem like activities that cost money are in the cards for you. There's nothing wrong with not making very much money, but you and your kids do what you have to do. Not whatever you want to do. Not everyone wants that.

Hmm. Well, our net worth is about $1.5 million, so I'm pretty sure we could afford it, if that's what we thought was important. I still fail to understand why you think that it's appropriate to say "only $95k". As far as I'm concerned $95k is a very good salary. Somehow your world view is skewed and you are of the opinion that $95k is "poor". It's not. We're certainly not "making do", we're just not spending money unnecessarily. What kids really need is love and attention and interest from their parents, particularly when they are young. Sending them to violin or piano lessons when they are 5, or ice skating or whatever else you spend your money on, is no more likely to get them into Harvard than our approach -- reading to them, listening to them, playing with them, taking them to museums, on hikes, to the beach, to music concerts, camping, playing outdoors with friends, climbing trees and BEING KIDS.

[Anonymous]

Activities! I have 3 kids. The boys do karate which is 160 a month for two, soccer which is 65 a month for two, and tennis which is 90 a week (private lessons). DD does dance which is 20 a week and horseback riding which is 60 a week.

I spent 1500 on summer camp for the oldest two for 5 weeks.

Food, clothing, and flights add up as well.

College is also a biggie. 1200 a month for each kid.

[Anonymous]

Just to give you an idea on vacations - our trips for a family of five are almost always At least 10k including flights.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Person who doesn't have to pay for childcare, above, which is a huge reason kids are expensive: what is your spouses work situation. How do you cover all the hours? I'm trying to understand how you make this work. Seriously. Thanks.

Happy to answer you (though not the rest of the defensive angry crowd).

Kids are in school. School starts at 8:30am but they can be dropped off at 8am. It finishes at 4pm. Husband takes them to school, I pick them up. This is a pretty identical situation to many families.

My husband is self employed and can set his own hours -- though he does work full time. Kids both have late Sept birthday so started school before they turned 3. Before that we worked it out on a combination of husband taking care of them (most of the time) and working during naps or when I'm home, using my employer's back up child care (a fairly common benefit), occasional childcare/babysitting swaps with other dads who had kids at home during the day, my maternity leave (I took the max x2 which is 22 weeks in DC), and my PTO. I work for a non-profit (full time, regular full time hours) and while the salary is not great the benefits are. I get 6 weeks PTO per year and they also offer free back up childcare for 20 days per child per year.

During the summer, their school has offered a free camp for 6 weeks in previous years. And we use a combination of the above -- their dad, me, back up care -- plus family vacation, and 2 weeks DPR camp for $50 a week (yes, I missed this when I said we didn't pay a dime -- that's the one exception). We may pay more for inexpensive camps in the future (say $150 a week), but I am certainly never spending $5k or 10k per summer on camps.

I've met many parents in similar situations, so I know that we're not unique. Either one parent is self employed or freelance, or works a night shift or other non-traditional hours, or is an academic with a light teaching schedule who can fit work around school pick up and drop off -- many other combinations can make it work.

That, along with your low-pressure non-profit job, tells me why you only make 95K a year and have to choose free activities over paid ones. Your approach to child-raising is called "making virtue out of necessity" since it doesn't seem like activities that cost money are in the cards for you. There's nothing wrong with not making very much money, but you and your kids do what you have to do. Not whatever you want to do. Not everyone wants that.

Hmm. Well, our net worth is about $1.5 million, so I'm pretty sure we could afford it, if that's what we thought was important. I still fail to understand why you think that it's appropriate to say "only $95k". As far as I'm concerned $95k is a very good salary. Somehow your world view is skewed and you are of the opinion that $95k is "poor". It's not. We're certainly not "making do", we're just not spending money unnecessarily. What kids really need is love and attention and interest from their parents, particularly when they are young. Sending them to violin or piano lessons when they are 5, or ice skating or whatever else you spend your money on, is no more likely to get them into Harvard than our approach -- reading to them, listening to them, playing with them, taking them to museums, on hikes, to the beach, to music concerts, camping, playing outdoors with friends, climbing trees and BEING KIDS.

I should also clarify -- we're not interested in getting them into an Ivy (unless that's what is right for them), more interested in raising happy well rounded, inquisitive, polite adults who make a positive contribution to the world and their lives. I realize my post above may have implied that was important to us, it's definitely not -- but I have heard other parents say that they are thinking about college when signing their kids up for expensive activities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Hmm. Well, our net worth is about $1.5 million, so I'm pretty sure we could afford it, if that's what we thought was important. I still fail to understand why you think that it's appropriate to say "only $95k". As far as I'm concerned $95k is a very good salary. Somehow your world view is skewed and you are of the opinion that $95k is "poor". It's not. We're certainly not "making do", we're just not spending money unnecessarily. What kids really need is love and attention and interest from their parents, particularly when they are young. Sending them to violin or piano lessons when they are 5, or ice skating or whatever else you spend your money on, is no more likely to get them into Harvard than our approach -- reading to them, listening to them, playing with them, taking them to museums, on hikes, to the beach, to music concerts, camping, playing outdoors with friends, climbing trees and BEING KIDS.

You're not responding to me, but I think $95K is a good salary. I also work in a nonprofit and make less than that. My husband works in a nonprofit and makes a bit more than that. But even having 8 / hour a day jobs we need to put our kids in aftercare (because it takes at least 1/2 hour to get to/ from work and school is only 6 1/2 hours). Also, how did you achieve such a high net worth with those kinds of salaries and taking tons of unpaid leave at in the early years, as you've described doing, and your husband making very little (so your salary is $95 and is is next to nothing? I'm a little confused.

I totally agree with all you're saying in "what kids need..." - just wondering how you are managing it! I've read all the past posts, FYI.

[Anonymous]

What is expensive for me is daycare, clothing (I buy cheap but they outgrow it quickly) and food. Otherwise we spend less than we did before kids (less eating out, less vacationing, less shopping). I imagine when our kids are older, we will save in daycare costs but spend more on activities, before/after care if necessary & summer camps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Person who doesn't have to pay for childcare, above, which is a huge reason kids are expensive: what is your spouses work situation. How do you cover all the hours? I'm trying to understand how you make this work. Seriously. Thanks.

Happy to answer you (though not the rest of the defensive angry crowd).

Kids are in school. School starts at 8:30am but they can be dropped off at 8am. It finishes at 4pm. Husband takes them to school, I pick them up. This is a pretty identical situation to many families.

My husband is self employed and can set his own hours -- though he does work full time. Kids both have late Sept birthday so started school before they turned 3. Before that we worked it out on a combination of husband taking care of them (most of the time) and working during naps or when I'm home, using my employer's back up child care (a fairly common benefit), occasional childcare/babysitting swaps with other dads who had kids at home during the day, my maternity leave (I took the max x2 which is 22 weeks in DC), and my PTO. I work for a non-profit (full time, regular full time hours) and while the salary is not great the benefits are. I get 6 weeks PTO per year and they also offer free back up childcare for 20 days per child per year.

During the summer, their school has offered a free camp for 6 weeks in previous years. And we use a combination of the above -- their dad, me, back up care -- plus family vacation, and 2 weeks DPR camp for $50 a week (yes, I missed this when I said we didn't pay a dime -- that's the one exception). We may pay more for inexpensive camps in the future (say $150 a week), but I am certainly never spending $5k or 10k per summer on camps.

I've met many parents in similar situations, so I know that we're not unique. Either one parent is self employed or freelance, or works a night shift or other non-traditional hours, or is an academic with a light teaching schedule who can fit work around school pick up and drop off -- many other combinations can make it work.

That, along with your low-pressure non-profit job, tells me why you only make 95K a year and have to choose free activities over paid ones. Your approach to child-raising is called "making virtue out of necessity" since it doesn't seem like activities that cost money are in the cards for you. There's nothing wrong with not making very much money, but you and your kids do what you have to do. Not whatever you want to do. Not everyone wants that.

Hmm. Well, our net worth is about $1.5 million, so I'm pretty sure we could afford it, if that's what we thought was important. I still fail to understand why you think that it's appropriate to say "only $95k". As far as I'm concerned $95k is a very good salary. Somehow your world view is skewed and you are of the opinion that $95k is "poor". It's not. We're certainly not "making do", we're just not spending money unnecessarily. What kids really need is love and attention and interest from their parents, particularly when they are young. Sending them to violin or piano lessons when they are 5, or ice skating or whatever else you spend your money on, is no more likely to get them into Harvard than our approach -- reading to them, listening to them, playing with them, taking them to museums, on hikes, to the beach, to music concerts, camping, playing outdoors with friends, climbing trees and BEING KIDS.

Do you believe the approach is an either/or: either activities or reading, hikes, playing outdoors with friends, camping, to the beach, to museums, etc? If so, you have no idea what you're talking about. Get off your high horse. My kids are in a boatload of activities. They also play with neighborhood kids in the cul de sac 5-7 days/week, read a tremendous amount, camp, hike, travel, go to the beach (we own a beach home), etc. This isn't about Harvard. It is about finding a passion and following it.