Am I out of line? Refusing to host ILs for Xmas?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I re-read the original post. The MIL made the snarky comment to her son, not the OP. This leads me to question, what kind of host is he? Is he involved in the weekend planning from food to social events? Sorry, it doesn’t sound like it because the OP has said she DOES IT ALL. For all we know, the DH hides out in his office saying he has work to do. Hoping the OP returns to clarify.

Read it again. It's not acutally clear what the MIL meant and it frankly doesn;t seem to have anything at all to do with cooking or cleaning or the material parts of hosting. She had a fight with her son, and she lashed out at him. It wasn't actually about OP at all.

+1. OP does not like hosting them so she was looking for an excuse. Her lazy DH gave her one by gossiping about his mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Idiots will say idiotic things. I just don't react when that happens.

OP, you are right to feel offended. But, refusing to host for this reason is unnecessarily confrontational. I just do not give weight to any nonsense that others speak. Elderly tend to lose their filter and will say such things. This is age-related cognitive decline.

+1000000

My kids insulted my Thanksgiving dinner. Should I skip Christmas Eve dinner?

Really your in-laws are like young kids. Once you understand they are simply large children it gets easier.

Actually it sounds like you just have a problem that runs through all generations of your family. You think raising your kids to be ungrateful little shits is normal because you were raised by ungrateful big shits. Judging by your post this shitty behavior didn’t skip a generation.

NP. You sound intolerable. Do you have kids? Did your teenager ever say something ungrateful or stupid? When they did, curious what you did. Kick them out if the house? Call them little shits? How’s that working for you?

It’s working great. My kids would NEVER insult the food prepared for them by someone else.

Your kids sound intolerable, and that sounds like it’s your fault.

There is no way you have kids of speaking age. There's a reason the saying "From the mouth of babes" exists. Kids have no filter they say honest shit all the time. You're a clown.

MIL is presumably not 7 years old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Idiots will say idiotic things. I just don't react when that happens.

OP, you are right to feel offended. But, refusing to host for this reason is unnecessarily confrontational. I just do not give weight to any nonsense that others speak. Elderly tend to lose their filter and will say such things. This is age-related cognitive decline.

+1000000

My kids insulted my Thanksgiving dinner. Should I skip Christmas Eve dinner?

Really your in-laws are like young kids. Once you understand they are simply large children it gets easier.

Actually it sounds like you just have a problem that runs through all generations of your family. You think raising your kids to be ungrateful little shits is normal because you were raised by ungrateful big shits. Judging by your post this shitty behavior didn’t skip a generation.

NP. You sound intolerable. Do you have kids? Did your teenager ever say something ungrateful or stupid? When they did, curious what you did. Kick them out if the house? Call them little shits? How’s that working for you?

It’s working great. My kids would NEVER insult the food prepared for them by someone else.

Your kids sound intolerable, and that sounds like it’s your fault.

There is no way you have kids of speaking age. There's a reason the saying "From the mouth of babes" exists. Kids have no filter they say honest shit all the time. You're a clown.

MIL is presumably not 7 years old.

Funny that as you age you again lose your filter. It's part of the aging process. Buckle up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I totally understand why you're upset and you have every right to be.

But I think refusing to host the ILs over one comment, with less than a month until Christmas (ie, late to arrange other plans) is an overreaction and would be a bit out of line, particularly without a conversation. I mean, these are your husband's parents.

So, yes, talk to your husband. But I would recommend some other options rather than going nuclear and refusing to host.

Can you guys (or just him) talk to the ILs about how that comment made you feel? While I understand how it stung when you do so much work to host them, that may not have been what they meant and they might be sad to hear you felt that way. They may have meant that this difference in opinion on whatever makes them feel emotionally separated from your nuclear family - not that they felt they were treated poorly. I agree that a forced apology (ie, one they give just so they can go to Christmas) is not helpful, but a true apology, along the lines of "oh, no, Larla, not at all! I'm so sorry, that is not what I meant! Your home is always so well prepared for us, and you do so much work to host and we really appreciate that. We just wish you aligned with us politically, and that wedge always seems to come between us, that's what we meant by that! Your home is always lovely" Wouldn't something like that, spoken honestly and given freely, make you feel much better? At least give them the chance.

Pending the results of that conversation (if it goes great, maybe you welcome them with open arms, if it goes really poorly, maybe you do rescind the invitation, but there's a good chance it goes more... medium) then maybe you take the hosting down a few notches? Hand more stuff over to your husband, that's for sure (especially if in the end he wants them to come and you really don't). And just lower your standards. I know some on DCUM will be horrified to hear this, but we don't do any extra cleaning for guests. We have a bi-weekly house cleaner. If it's been 1 week and 5 days since she's been here, then our guests get a 12-days-since-a-cleaning house. So what? Your husband can make dinner reservations. You can make something basic for dinner like you would any other night, just a double recipe. You can tell them when they get to you to "make themselves at home and help yourselves to anything in the fridge" and stop refilling glasses. You don't even have to make up the guest bed, just put clean sheets on a pile on top. They'll live.

Absolutely not. Actions have consequences. It doesn't matter if it's the day before or the year before. They behaved inappropriately and now have to lay in the bed they've made.

I love how so, so many of the responses here on this forum are like, “these are your husbands parents” or “these are your kids grandparents”. Or, “it’s Christmas. You need to be gracious.” Like, what am I? Am I not my husbands wife ? My kids mother? Does Christmas mean I need to let my own needs and wants fall by the wayside for other adults , year after year, without any thanks? Why does this standard apply ONLY to me? Why aren’t people saying, gosh, that’s your son’s wife, you need to be a gracious guest in their home. Or, gosh, that’s the mother of your grandchildren, you need to treat her with respect and kindness. Is it just a bunch of grandmothers on the family forum sometimes?

I'm the one who said I thought immediately disinviting them for Christmas was an overreaction. I am a 41 year old mother of three, not a grandmother, though admittedly all my kids' grandparents are somewhere on the spectrum from loving and helpful to loving and needy/annoying, nothing really to complain about.

Did you read the rest of my post? I'm not suggesting that her needs and wants go to the wayside. I'm suggesting that she (and/or her husband) have a conversation with the ILs rather than immediately disinviting them to Christmas. There was no indication of a pattern of behavior from her ILs, but rather one comment that even the OP admits she probably didn't take the way they intended. So TALK to them. If they double down, yeah, disinvite them. But give them a chance to apologize.

And I emphasized that she should do less overall.

One day, we're going to be ILs, too. One not-horrific comment I think deserves a follow up, not immediately canceling Christmas!

No one is "cancelling christmas" FFS. If you say sh*tty things and act like a sh*tty person, you are welcome to stay home for christmas this year.

... right. Why would anyone take this lovely sentiment as canceling Christmas!

Because the OP and her husband and her children are going to celebrate Christmas and have a lovely time together. There will be presents, there will be special meals and traditions. Nothing is canceled. The in-laws are free to celebrate at home or with people who they like better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I totally understand why you're upset and you have every right to be.

But I think refusing to host the ILs over one comment, with less than a month until Christmas (ie, late to arrange other plans) is an overreaction and would be a bit out of line, particularly without a conversation. I mean, these are your husband's parents.

So, yes, talk to your husband. But I would recommend some other options rather than going nuclear and refusing to host.

Can you guys (or just him) talk to the ILs about how that comment made you feel? While I understand how it stung when you do so much work to host them, that may not have been what they meant and they might be sad to hear you felt that way. They may have meant that this difference in opinion on whatever makes them feel emotionally separated from your nuclear family - not that they felt they were treated poorly. I agree that a forced apology (ie, one they give just so they can go to Christmas) is not helpful, but a true apology, along the lines of "oh, no, Larla, not at all! I'm so sorry, that is not what I meant! Your home is always so well prepared for us, and you do so much work to host and we really appreciate that. We just wish you aligned with us politically, and that wedge always seems to come between us, that's what we meant by that! Your home is always lovely" Wouldn't something like that, spoken honestly and given freely, make you feel much better? At least give them the chance.

Pending the results of that conversation (if it goes great, maybe you welcome them with open arms, if it goes really poorly, maybe you do rescind the invitation, but there's a good chance it goes more... medium) then maybe you take the hosting down a few notches? Hand more stuff over to your husband, that's for sure (especially if in the end he wants them to come and you really don't). And just lower your standards. I know some on DCUM will be horrified to hear this, but we don't do any extra cleaning for guests. We have a bi-weekly house cleaner. If it's been 1 week and 5 days since she's been here, then our guests get a 12-days-since-a-cleaning house. So what? Your husband can make dinner reservations. You can make something basic for dinner like you would any other night, just a double recipe. You can tell them when they get to you to "make themselves at home and help yourselves to anything in the fridge" and stop refilling glasses. You don't even have to make up the guest bed, just put clean sheets on a pile on top. They'll live.

Absolutely not. Actions have consequences. It doesn't matter if it's the day before or the year before. They behaved inappropriately and now have to lay in the bed they've made.

NP. Lighten up. People make mistakes. Do you cut everyone off after one bad incident? Do you actually have any friends? You sound both intolerant and intolerable.

Abusive AHs usually think anyone with boundaries is "cutting them off" and "intolerant" to intolerant AHs. So yes, this totally tracks that you'd think this.

In the real world, the people with the happiest relationships with ILs have great boundaries and everyone respects them. You know how that starts? Laying out some boundaries! Skipping one xmas hosting ILs is hardly cutting anyone off.

MIL stating her feelings makes her an “abusive AH”? You have led a charmed life PP if that’s your standard. You know what other behavior can be abusive? Shutting down family members who express their feelings and deeming their emotions invalid as a matter of course. That’s not a “boundary” that’s a recipe for highly dysfunctional relationships.

Go away angry MIL. You aren't welcome at xmas this year, get over it.

Actually I’m a NP and agree
💯 with the poster. You on the other hand sound petty and nutty.

Then it’s a win for everyone!

MIL doesn’t have to spend Christmas with petty and nutty people. The OP and her husband get to enjoy the holiday with their children.

[Anonymous]

Hosting rude, entitled guests every year really is awful. In our extended family, the holidays were always hosted by DH’s grandmother or one of her adult grandchildren. The boomer brigade never hosted anything but made it a nightmare for every host other than their mother. They burned through 3 hosts including us.

We’ve also given up on hosting MIL. She behaves with the expectation that she is staying in a hotel and we are her staff at her beck and call to chauffeur her to whatever errands across town she has booked, cook when and what she wants, clean up after her, wait quietly for hours while she talks loudly on speaker phone to a zillion people then drop everything the minute she is off to fix her computer problems that are self inflicted, clean up her latest accounting and banking mess, advise her on her latest crazy legal problems which involves us insisting she needs a lawyer yet she doesn’t listen and doesn’t want to pay for one and pissing her off for refusing to get entangled with the latest financial stupid scheme she and her nasty siblings have concocted.

[Anonymous]

Do you ever cut anyone slack? You sound like a martyr for doing holiday prep. Life is short, let it go.
In-laws are old and you resented having them and doing the work before they set foot in the door. They feel tension. Be kind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As you said, this was directed at your husband and not you. The woman made a mistake. Haven’t you ever? You’re being a baby.

Agreed - she felt hurt and offended that her son "shut her down," and was rude to him, but so was "shutting her down" in the first place. This has nothing to do with OP's cooking, but the treatment that MIL feels she receives.

Why do we care about the treatment MIL feels she receives more than the treatment OP receives?

Multiple people have pointed out that MILs comment had nothing to do with OP. I could care less about how MIL is or isn’t treated, but if op wants to escalate the situation based on taking this particular comment personally, then she should own the fact that she is the one going nuclear.

It’s not just the comment, IMO its also the fighting with her son while she’s a guest. This isn’t how functional people act when they’re guests in someones home and its absolutely rude to the hostess.

If she is a “guest” and not his mother, then he was rude first to his “guest” and is a terrible host.

Then she should be thrilled to find out she’s no longer welcome in the home of such a poor host and hostess.

[Anonymous]

OP’s DH should say the following:

“Mom, your comments at Thanksgiving really made me think how much Lisa hosting is being taken for granted. So this year, I am going to take her to a resort where she can be waited on hand and foot not have to plan, not have to cook, and not have to clean.“

And then he should do it! It doesn’t have to be at the holiday and you certainly shouldn’t host them, but your husband should be leading the change on how much you’re appreciated

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Idiots will say idiotic things. I just don't react when that happens.

OP, you are right to feel offended. But, refusing to host for this reason is unnecessarily confrontational. I just do not give weight to any nonsense that others speak. Elderly tend to lose their filter and will say such things. This is age-related cognitive decline.

+1000000

My kids insulted my Thanksgiving dinner. Should I skip Christmas Eve dinner?

Really your in-laws are like young kids. Once you understand they are simply large children it gets easier.

Actually it sounds like you just have a problem that runs through all generations of your family. You think raising your kids to be ungrateful little shits is normal because you were raised by ungrateful big shits. Judging by your post this shitty behavior didn’t skip a generation.

NP. You sound intolerable. Do you have kids? Did your teenager ever say something ungrateful or stupid? When they did, curious what you did. Kick them out if the house? Call them little shits? How’s that working for you?

It’s working great. My kids would NEVER insult the food prepared for them by someone else.

Your kids sound intolerable, and that sounds like it’s your fault.

There is no way you have kids of speaking age. There's a reason the saying "From the mouth of babes" exists. Kids have no filter they say honest shit all the time. You're a clown.

Two teenagers and an elementary schooler, actually. Just because you were raised to be a jerk and you’re raising your kids to be jerks doesn’t mean that’s how everyone does it. I don’t know what else to tell you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Idiots will say idiotic things. I just don't react when that happens.

OP, you are right to feel offended. But, refusing to host for this reason is unnecessarily confrontational. I just do not give weight to any nonsense that others speak. Elderly tend to lose their filter and will say such things. This is age-related cognitive decline.

+1000000

My kids insulted my Thanksgiving dinner. Should I skip Christmas Eve dinner?

Really your in-laws are like young kids. Once you understand they are simply large children it gets easier.

Actually it sounds like you just have a problem that runs through all generations of your family. You think raising your kids to be ungrateful little shits is normal because you were raised by ungrateful big shits. Judging by your post this shitty behavior didn’t skip a generation.

NP. You sound intolerable. Do you have kids? Did your teenager ever say something ungrateful or stupid? When they did, curious what you did. Kick them out if the house? Call them little shits? How’s that working for you?

It’s working great. My kids would NEVER insult the food prepared for them by someone else.

Your kids sound intolerable, and that sounds like it’s your fault.

There is no way you have kids of speaking age. There's a reason the saying "From the mouth of babes" exists. Kids have no filter they say honest shit all the time. You're a clown.

Two teenagers and an elementary schooler, actually. Just because you were raised to be a jerk and you’re raising your kids to be jerks doesn’t mean that’s how everyone does it. I don’t know what else to tell you.

Nobody believes you have perfect perfect children who are always seen but never heard. You’re a lying smug ass. Nobody is perfect and certainly not you or your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Idiots will say idiotic things. I just don't react when that happens.

OP, you are right to feel offended. But, refusing to host for this reason is unnecessarily confrontational. I just do not give weight to any nonsense that others speak. Elderly tend to lose their filter and will say such things. This is age-related cognitive decline.

+1000000

My kids insulted my Thanksgiving dinner. Should I skip Christmas Eve dinner?

Really your in-laws are like young kids. Once you understand they are simply large children it gets easier.

Actually it sounds like you just have a problem that runs through all generations of your family. You think raising your kids to be ungrateful little shits is normal because you were raised by ungrateful big shits. Judging by your post this shitty behavior didn’t skip a generation.

NP. You sound intolerable. Do you have kids? Did your teenager ever say something ungrateful or stupid? When they did, curious what you did. Kick them out if the house? Call them little shits? How’s that working for you?

It’s working great. My kids would NEVER insult the food prepared for them by someone else.

Your kids sound intolerable, and that sounds like it’s your fault.

There is no way you have kids of speaking age. There's a reason the saying "From the mouth of babes" exists. Kids have no filter they say honest shit all the time. You're a clown.

Some of us taught our children manners. Are you even a parent?

You aren't a parent.

Is this non-answer an answer? Either you aren't even a parent, or you chose not to parent your children properly and teach manners. I'm going with random reddit loser bro who's bored.

I'll go with dementia addled Boomer for you who claims her kids never ever acted up ever. Save it for your daughter in law, nobody cares about your rose tinted glasses view you have now of your "perfect" children you raised 40 years ago.

That was not the claim that was made, you illiterate drama queen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Idiots will say idiotic things. I just don't react when that happens.

OP, you are right to feel offended. But, refusing to host for this reason is unnecessarily confrontational. I just do not give weight to any nonsense that others speak. Elderly tend to lose their filter and will say such things. This is age-related cognitive decline.

+1000000

My kids insulted my Thanksgiving dinner. Should I skip Christmas Eve dinner?

Really your in-laws are like young kids. Once you understand they are simply large children it gets easier.

Actually it sounds like you just have a problem that runs through all generations of your family. You think raising your kids to be ungrateful little shits is normal because you were raised by ungrateful big shits. Judging by your post this shitty behavior didn’t skip a generation.

NP. You sound intolerable. Do you have kids? Did your teenager ever say something ungrateful or stupid? When they did, curious what you did. Kick them out if the house? Call them little shits? How’s that working for you?

It’s working great. My kids would NEVER insult the food prepared for them by someone else.

Your kids sound intolerable, and that sounds like it’s your fault.

There is no way you have kids of speaking age. There's a reason the saying "From the mouth of babes" exists. Kids have no filter they say honest shit all the time. You're a clown.

Some of us taught our children manners. Are you even a parent?

You aren't a parent.

Is this non-answer an answer? Either you aren't even a parent, or you chose not to parent your children properly and teach manners. I'm going with random reddit loser bro who's bored.

I'll go with dementia addled Boomer for you who claims her kids never ever acted up ever. Save it for your daughter in law, nobody cares about your rose tinted glasses view you have now of your "perfect" children you raised 40 years ago.

That was not the claim that was made, you illiterate drama queen.

STFU. She most certainly did say her kids were taught manners and therefore would never miss a beat.

[Anonymous]

OP,

Ignore the weird haters. Refuse to host the in-laws and tell them why. It's time someone stood up to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Idiots will say idiotic things. I just don't react when that happens.

OP, you are right to feel offended. But, refusing to host for this reason is unnecessarily confrontational. I just do not give weight to any nonsense that others speak. Elderly tend to lose their filter and will say such things. This is age-related cognitive decline.

+1000000

My kids insulted my Thanksgiving dinner. Should I skip Christmas Eve dinner?

Really your in-laws are like young kids. Once you understand they are simply large children it gets easier.

Actually it sounds like you just have a problem that runs through all generations of your family. You think raising your kids to be ungrateful little shits is normal because you were raised by ungrateful big shits. Judging by your post this shitty behavior didn’t skip a generation.

NP. You sound intolerable. Do you have kids? Did your teenager ever say something ungrateful or stupid? When they did, curious what you did. Kick them out if the house? Call them little shits? How’s that working for you?

It’s working great. My kids would NEVER insult the food prepared for them by someone else.

Your kids sound intolerable, and that sounds like it’s your fault.

There is no way you have kids of speaking age. There's a reason the saying "From the mouth of babes" exists. Kids have no filter they say honest shit all the time. You're a clown.

Two teenagers and an elementary schooler, actually. Just because you were raised to be a jerk and you’re raising your kids to be jerks doesn’t mean that’s how everyone does it. I don’t know what else to tell you.

Nobody believes you have perfect perfect children who are always seen but never heard. You’re a lying smug ass. Nobody is perfect and certainly not you or your kids.

I never claimed that I am perfect, or that my kids are perfect, or that they have never acted up.

They’ve acted up plenty and still do on occasion. What I DID say, and what is 100% true, is that they would NEVER insult the food prepared for them by someone else. That doesn’t mean they always like the food that is put in front of them. It doesn’t mean they will always eat the food that is put in front of them. But they will NOT insult it. Because despite being imperfect human beings, they have basic manners and sense of empathy and gratitude.

You are lashing out because you forgot ti actually RAISE your kids, it would seem.