Am I out of line? Refusing to host ILs for Xmas?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not have them over. Maybe meet up for dinner at a nice restaurant.

They aren’t close enough to meet up for dinner, even halfway is too far.

That's just nasty OP. If you don't want to host, don't. Nothing more is needed. Don't be nasty.

I think there are people with poor reading skills on here. How is it negative to state logistics? Say in-laws live 6 hours away.
The halfway point is 3 hours to meet for dinner. I wouldn't drive 3 hours to and from a dinner.
That's all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe how petty 99 percent of these posters are. Here’s an idea. Call your MIL. Let her know her comments hurt. Find out what’s going on from her perspective See if you can work it out after hearing each other out. If not, then politely let her know you think it’s best you take a break from hosting this year. All of these shrill comments about immediately canceling because of one bad conversation sound so petty and ridiculous to me. Like do these posters have any close relationships with anyone?

Actually I assume that most of us do. We are all functioning adults, though, so we know that making a statement like “I have never felt welcome in your home” is the confrontational, nuclear option.

My parents and ILs can be annoying frequently, but none of them would ever say such a thing.

It sounds to be like some of you are from awful families and should probably pursue some therapy in the new year:

You consider that statement going nuclear? Seriously? So outrageous that’s it’s worth cutting family members off at a holiday meant to share love and forgiveness? Sounds like you need to chill out and grow a pair. Therapy would also do you some good.

Yes. Telling someone that you have never felt welcome in their home leaves that person with three options:
1. Ignore you
2. Increase attempts to placate you
3. Agree with you that you are not (or are no longer) welcome in their home

MIL put it out there. It’s her problem if she doesn’t like OP’s response. (I’m sure she was angling for response 2, but unfortunately for her DIL is not a doormat like so many posters in this thread seem to be)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Idiots will say idiotic things. I just don't react when that happens.

OP, you are right to feel offended. But, refusing to host for this reason is unnecessarily confrontational. I just do not give weight to any nonsense that others speak. Elderly tend to lose their filter and will say such things. This is age-related cognitive decline.

+1000000

My kids insulted my Thanksgiving dinner. Should I skip Christmas Eve dinner?

Really your in-laws are like young kids. Once you understand they are simply large children it gets easier.

Actually it sounds like you just have a problem that runs through all generations of your family. You think raising your kids to be ungrateful little shits is normal because you were raised by ungrateful big shits. Judging by your post this shitty behavior didn’t skip a generation.

NP. You sound intolerable. Do you have kids? Did your teenager ever say something ungrateful or stupid? When they did, curious what you did. Kick them out if the house? Call them little shits? How’s that working for you?

It’s working great. My kids would NEVER insult the food prepared for them by someone else.

Your kids sound intolerable, and that sounds like it’s your fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Idiots will say idiotic things. I just don't react when that happens.

OP, you are right to feel offended. But, refusing to host for this reason is unnecessarily confrontational. I just do not give weight to any nonsense that others speak. Elderly tend to lose their filter and will say such things. This is age-related cognitive decline.

+1000000

My kids insulted my Thanksgiving dinner. Should I skip Christmas Eve dinner?

Really your in-laws are like young kids. Once you understand they are simply large children it gets easier.

Actually it sounds like you just have a problem that runs through all generations of your family. You think raising your kids to be ungrateful little shits is normal because you were raised by ungrateful big shits. Judging by your post this shitty behavior didn’t skip a generation.

NP. You sound intolerable. Do you have kids? Did your teenager ever say something ungrateful or stupid? When they did, curious what you did. Kick them out if the house? Call them little shits? How’s that working for you?

It’s working great. My kids would NEVER insult the food prepared for them by someone else.

Your kids sound intolerable, and that sounds like it’s your fault.

There is no way you have kids of speaking age. There's a reason the saying "From the mouth of babes" exists. Kids have no filter they say honest shit all the time. You're a clown.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe how petty 99 percent of these posters are. Here’s an idea. Call your MIL. Let her know her comments hurt. Find out what’s going on from her perspective See if you can work it out after hearing each other out. If not, then politely let her know you think it’s best you take a break from hosting this year. All of these shrill comments about immediately canceling because of one bad conversation sound so petty and ridiculous to me. Like do these posters have any close relationships with anyone?

Actually I assume that most of us do. We are all functioning adults, though, so we know that making a statement like “I have never felt welcome in your home” is the confrontational, nuclear option.

My parents and ILs can be annoying frequently, but none of them would ever say such a thing.

It sounds to be like some of you are from awful families and should probably pursue some therapy in the new year:

You consider that statement going nuclear? Seriously? So outrageous that’s it’s worth cutting family members off at a holiday meant to share love and forgiveness? Sounds like you need to chill out and grow a pair. Therapy would also do you some good.

Yes. Telling someone that you have never felt welcome in their home leaves that person with three options:
1. Ignore you
2. Increase attempts to placate you
3. Agree with you that you are not (or are no longer) welcome in their home

MIL put it out there. It’s her problem if she doesn’t like OP’s response. (I’m sure she was angling for response 2, but unfortunately for her DIL is not a doormat like so many posters in this thread seem to be)

I agree that the MIL was looking for a confrontation or just wanted to hurt the OP's husband.
Saying something like that - I have to wonder what was her goal? Because it seems petulant and childish.

OP has every right to have a quiet holiday and enjoy it with people who will reciprocate the good feelings. Hosting people who harbor resentment is not something that should become a family tradition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Idiots will say idiotic things. I just don't react when that happens.

OP, you are right to feel offended. But, refusing to host for this reason is unnecessarily confrontational. I just do not give weight to any nonsense that others speak. Elderly tend to lose their filter and will say such things. This is age-related cognitive decline.

+1000000

My kids insulted my Thanksgiving dinner. Should I skip Christmas Eve dinner?

Really your in-laws are like young kids. Once you understand they are simply large children it gets easier.

Actually it sounds like you just have a problem that runs through all generations of your family. You think raising your kids to be ungrateful little shits is normal because you were raised by ungrateful big shits. Judging by your post this shitty behavior didn’t skip a generation.

NP. You sound intolerable. Do you have kids? Did your teenager ever say something ungrateful or stupid? When they did, curious what you did. Kick them out if the house? Call them little shits? How’s that working for you?

It’s working great. My kids would NEVER insult the food prepared for them by someone else.

Your kids sound intolerable, and that sounds like it’s your fault.

There is no way you have kids of speaking age. There's a reason the saying "From the mouth of babes" exists. Kids have no filter they say honest shit all the time. You're a clown.

Some of us taught our children manners. Are you even a parent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Idiots will say idiotic things. I just don't react when that happens.

OP, you are right to feel offended. But, refusing to host for this reason is unnecessarily confrontational. I just do not give weight to any nonsense that others speak. Elderly tend to lose their filter and will say such things. This is age-related cognitive decline.

+1000000

My kids insulted my Thanksgiving dinner. Should I skip Christmas Eve dinner?

Really your in-laws are like young kids. Once you understand they are simply large children it gets easier.

Actually it sounds like you just have a problem that runs through all generations of your family. You think raising your kids to be ungrateful little shits is normal because you were raised by ungrateful big shits. Judging by your post this shitty behavior didn’t skip a generation.

NP. You sound intolerable. Do you have kids? Did your teenager ever say something ungrateful or stupid? When they did, curious what you did. Kick them out if the house? Call them little shits? How’s that working for you?

It’s working great. My kids would NEVER insult the food prepared for them by someone else.

Your kids sound intolerable, and that sounds like it’s your fault.

There is no way you have kids of speaking age. There's a reason the saying "From the mouth of babes" exists. Kids have no filter they say honest shit all the time. You're a clown.

Some of us taught our children manners. Are you even a parent?

You aren't a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Idiots will say idiotic things. I just don't react when that happens.

OP, you are right to feel offended. But, refusing to host for this reason is unnecessarily confrontational. I just do not give weight to any nonsense that others speak. Elderly tend to lose their filter and will say such things. This is age-related cognitive decline.

+1000000

My kids insulted my Thanksgiving dinner. Should I skip Christmas Eve dinner?

Really your in-laws are like young kids. Once you understand they are simply large children it gets easier.

Actually it sounds like you just have a problem that runs through all generations of your family. You think raising your kids to be ungrateful little shits is normal because you were raised by ungrateful big shits. Judging by your post this shitty behavior didn’t skip a generation.

NP. You sound intolerable. Do you have kids? Did your teenager ever say something ungrateful or stupid? When they did, curious what you did. Kick them out if the house? Call them little shits? How’s that working for you?

It’s working great. My kids would NEVER insult the food prepared for them by someone else.

Your kids sound intolerable, and that sounds like it’s your fault.

There is no way you have kids of speaking age. There's a reason the saying "From the mouth of babes" exists. Kids have no filter they say honest shit all the time. You're a clown.

Some of us taught our children manners. Are you even a parent?

You aren't a parent.

Is this non-answer an answer? Either you aren't even a parent, or you chose not to parent your children properly and teach manners. I'm going with random reddit loser bro who's bored.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not have them over. Maybe meet up for dinner at a nice restaurant.

They aren’t close enough to meet up for dinner, even halfway is too far.

Then take the space.

Look at it this way, you can be uncomfortable for the duration of a conversation or you can be uncomfortable for the duration of their visit.

[Anonymous]

I re-read the original post. The MIL made the snarky comment to her son, not the OP. This leads me to question, what kind of host is he? Is he involved in the weekend planning from food to social events? Sorry, it doesn’t sound like it because the OP has said she DOES IT ALL. For all we know, the DH hides out in his office saying he has work to do. Hoping the OP returns to clarify.

[Anonymous]

I don't see the problem. Old people say stupid things sometimes. Our job is to roll our eyes and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Idiots will say idiotic things. I just don't react when that happens.

OP, you are right to feel offended. But, refusing to host for this reason is unnecessarily confrontational. I just do not give weight to any nonsense that others speak. Elderly tend to lose their filter and will say such things. This is age-related cognitive decline.

+1000000

My kids insulted my Thanksgiving dinner. Should I skip Christmas Eve dinner?

Really your in-laws are like young kids. Once you understand they are simply large children it gets easier.

Actually it sounds like you just have a problem that runs through all generations of your family. You think raising your kids to be ungrateful little shits is normal because you were raised by ungrateful big shits. Judging by your post this shitty behavior didn’t skip a generation.

NP. You sound intolerable. Do you have kids? Did your teenager ever say something ungrateful or stupid? When they did, curious what you did. Kick them out if the house? Call them little shits? How’s that working for you?

It’s working great. My kids would NEVER insult the food prepared for them by someone else.

Your kids sound intolerable, and that sounds like it’s your fault.

There is no way you have kids of speaking age. There's a reason the saying "From the mouth of babes" exists. Kids have no filter they say honest shit all the time. You're a clown.

Some of us taught our children manners. Are you even a parent?

You aren't a parent.

Is this non-answer an answer? Either you aren't even a parent, or you chose not to parent your children properly and teach manners. I'm going with random reddit loser bro who's bored.

I'll go with dementia addled Boomer for you who claims her kids never ever acted up ever. Save it for your daughter in law, nobody cares about your rose tinted glasses view you have now of your "perfect" children you raised 40 years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I re-read the original post. The MIL made the snarky comment to her son, not the OP. This leads me to question, what kind of host is he? Is he involved in the weekend planning from food to social events? Sorry, it doesn’t sound like it because the OP has said she DOES IT ALL. For all we know, the DH hides out in his office saying he has work to do. Hoping the OP returns to clarify.

Read it again. It's not acutally clear what the MIL meant and it frankly doesn;t seem to have anything at all to do with cooking or cleaning or the material parts of hosting. She had a fight with her son, and she lashed out at him. It wasn't actually about OP at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I support you a 100%! MIL needs to learn to filter her thoughts.

This is what I had to do with my own mother. She learned. A reconciliation is probably in your future, OP, and all will end well, but only if you stand your ground for this Christmas. Your MIL needs to feel consequences otherwise she cannot learn.

I entirely disagree with letting it go and re-evaluating later - that doesn't make any sense. Consequences need to happen right after the act, otherwise people have a hard time understanding why they happen. The more you wait, the less leverage you will have in the future.

Then she should have spoken up the minute she was offended and felt “gobsmacked” and called off Christmas right then and there. Now it just feels petty.

Nope.

Most couples who have good relationships do not make unilateral decisions about things like this.

It’s perfectly normal to want to talk to your spouse BEFORE you uninvite their parents from a major holiday. Thanksgiving weekend just ended. Now is the ideal time to discuss with the spouse and let the in-laws know that a Christmas visit won’t work.

This is as immediate as it gets without being disrespectful to your own marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just the DH work schedule and all that you have to do is enough for me. They had their one holiday for the year.

This. Why would you host them for two holidays?