When can you call yourself a single mother?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just like in the marriages described by the envious here, two divorced parents that are present in a child's life is not the same as both parents taking care of the emotional, schooling, financial, etc needs of the child EQUALLY. I know a mom whose ex has the kid according to a 50-50 custody schedule, but the ex doesn't contribute financially, hardly feeds the kid, doesn't wash the kid's clothes at his apartment, makes the kid sleep in the living room (since there is only one bedroom), etc. etc. She has to do all of the invisible labor of planning and so forth, signing the kid up for things at school, doctor's appointments, and so forth. Plus she has to constantly remind the ex of when he has to pick up the kid, because sometimes he just....forgets.

So I guess it's great that she's got a couple evenings off a week? Definitely a situation to envy.

I know several women with the type of scenario above who i definitely call "single moms". Their exes are dirtbags who can barely function, and while they have 50-50 on paper (to avoid child support), certainly aren't doing 50 percent of the parenting.

So yeah, OP's friend can talk about how hard it is, because there are strong odds that her ex is a POS.

They should have divorced them in NY state. 50/50 doesn't save you from child support if you are the higher earning spouse. I think the NY model should be rolled out nationwide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Slightly different take on answering the question, but it’s ridiculous when married parents use the term “single parenting” for when one of the spouses are out of town for work or a girls or guys trip. It’s almost disrespectful to real single parents.

I agree with this. I would never say I was a single mom when my husband is out of town.

But if you always go to sleep without your child's parent in the house with you, then you're a single parent, whether you have them all the time or not. You are literally parenting them alone when you have them. Anyone who gets annoyed by that needs to check themselves and figure out their own situation.

You are no more parenting them alone than the parent whose spouse is out of town. There is another adult in the world who is alive and has full moral and biological responsibility for the child should anything happen to you. Single moms don't have that, and you need to appreciate what a huge burden that is nad stop pretending you have it.

[Anonymous]

Here's the thing, I'm divorced, so I'm a single person. I'm a mom, so that makes me a single mom. My kids dad is also divorced and is not married, so he is single. He is a single dad. We are the kids parents, and we are both single. I mean this really isn't rocket science.

[Anonymous]

I hear you, but do it seek to control how others define themselves.

I have never been married and adopted a child. I was therefore our sole financial support and did every job that comes with raising a child and running a household.

I noticed that SAHMs often discount the financial support and running household support that a spouse provides (e.g., servicing the car, emptying the trash, managing repairs).

Everyone is very aware of their own contributions and tribulations. It is not a competition. Just support the people in this world that you care about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing, I'm divorced, so I'm a single person. I'm a mom, so that makes me a single mom. My kids dad is also divorced and is not married, so he is single. He is a single dad. We are the kids parents, and we are both single. I mean this really isn't rocket science.

This.

Can we please separate out trying to police how others use a very normal term from what apparently this is all about -- a competition about who has it better or worse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re not a single parent if there is another parent actively involved in raising the kids at the same time as you. Regardless of your romantic status.

Fixed it for you.

Why do you insist on begrudging a divorced mom the hardship of being the solo parent every time they have their kids?

How is this different from a SAHM whose spouse is at work long hours or on travel for weeks at a time? Neither situation is at all the same as a single mom who is entirely alone in the parental part of the equation.

Oh FFS. If you don't get the difference I can't help you. And if you're not the kind of single mother that everyone here agrees can use the term, then drop it. No one cares what you think.

[Anonymous]

See, some of the single mothers by choice that I know have massive trust funds and nannies and extended families that keep their kids a ton. If the only definition of being a "single mom" is poverty + having no help, then those women don't qualify.

[Anonymous]

My friend is divorced and has a 50/50 schedule. She doesn’t call herself a “single” mom, she says she is divorced. Even with a helpful, involved ex-husband who co-parents amicably, there is a privilege that comes from having a 2 adult household. Married or partners cohabitating, sharing expenses is a huge help. Having 2 adults to coordinate dinner and car pool is a huge help.

We have talked about the pros and cons of a 50/50 schedule. When you are married to a decent partner, you are a partial parent all the time. You know you can tap out and ask for help if you need to. When you have 50/50, you are 0% parenting or 100% parenting. When you are on, you are fully ON. Then when you are off, you have all the home chores to do alone - dishes, laundry, home repairs, landscaping, holiday decor, etc. On the days she doesn’t have kids, she is technically off kid duty, but she has to squeeze in errands and other things because she can’t pop out to pick to groceries and leave kids home with the other parent. She can’t work late once in a while - on kid days she has to stop and pick up kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friend is divorced and has a 50/50 schedule. She doesn’t call herself a “single” mom, she says she is divorced. Even with a helpful, involved ex-husband who co-parents amicably, there is a privilege that comes from having a 2 adult household. Married or partners cohabitating, sharing expenses is a huge help. Having 2 adults to coordinate dinner and car pool is a huge help.

We have talked about the pros and cons of a 50/50 schedule. When you are married to a decent partner, you are a partial parent all the time. You know you can tap out and ask for help if you need to. When you have 50/50, you are 0% parenting or 100% parenting. When you are on, you are fully ON. Then when you are off, you have all the home chores to do alone - dishes, laundry, home repairs, landscaping, holiday decor, etc. On the days she doesn’t have kids, she is technically off kid duty, but she has to squeeze in errands and other things because she can’t pop out to pick to groceries and leave kids home with the other parent. She can’t work late once in a while - on kid days she has to stop and pick up kids.

Yes, and *actual* single parents are ON *100%* of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend is divorced and has a 50/50 schedule. She doesn’t call herself a “single” mom, she says she is divorced. Even with a helpful, involved ex-husband who co-parents amicably, there is a privilege that comes from having a 2 adult household. Married or partners cohabitating, sharing expenses is a huge help. Having 2 adults to coordinate dinner and car pool is a huge help.

We have talked about the pros and cons of a 50/50 schedule. When you are married to a decent partner, you are a partial parent all the time. You know you can tap out and ask for help if you need to. When you have 50/50, you are 0% parenting or 100% parenting. When you are on, you are fully ON. Then when you are off, you have all the home chores to do alone - dishes, laundry, home repairs, landscaping, holiday decor, etc. On the days she doesn’t have kids, she is technically off kid duty, but she has to squeeze in errands and other things because she can’t pop out to pick to groceries and leave kids home with the other parent. She can’t work late once in a while - on kid days she has to stop and pick up kids.

Yes, and *actual* single parents are ON *100%* of the time.

But they aren't, though. They can have nannies or sitters or use relatives or friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend is divorced and has a 50/50 schedule. She doesn’t call herself a “single” mom, she says she is divorced. Even with a helpful, involved ex-husband who co-parents amicably, there is a privilege that comes from having a 2 adult household. Married or partners cohabitating, sharing expenses is a huge help. Having 2 adults to coordinate dinner and car pool is a huge help.

We have talked about the pros and cons of a 50/50 schedule. When you are married to a decent partner, you are a partial parent all the time. You know you can tap out and ask for help if you need to. When you have 50/50, you are 0% parenting or 100% parenting. When you are on, you are fully ON. Then when you are off, you have all the home chores to do alone - dishes, laundry, home repairs, landscaping, holiday decor, etc. On the days she doesn’t have kids, she is technically off kid duty, but she has to squeeze in errands and other things because she can’t pop out to pick to groceries and leave kids home with the other parent. She can’t work late once in a while - on kid days she has to stop and pick up kids.

Yes, and *actual* single parents are ON *100%* of the time.

They aren't on 100% of the time unless they are poor. Get real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re not a single parent if there is another parent actively involved in raising the kids at the same time as you. Regardless of your romantic status.

Fixed it for you.

Why do you insist on begrudging a divorced mom the hardship of being the solo parent every time they have their kids?

Because she’s a liar. She isn’t a single mom, she’s a divorced mother co-parenting with her ex and trying to pretend he’s not parenting their children as well, presumably for sympathy.

Military spouses aren’t single parents every time their spouses deploy, even though they may be “solo parenting” for awhile and it’s really difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend is divorced and has a 50/50 schedule. She doesn’t call herself a “single” mom, she says she is divorced. Even with a helpful, involved ex-husband who co-parents amicably, there is a privilege that comes from having a 2 adult household. Married or partners cohabitating, sharing expenses is a huge help. Having 2 adults to coordinate dinner and car pool is a huge help.

We have talked about the pros and cons of a 50/50 schedule. When you are married to a decent partner, you are a partial parent all the time. You know you can tap out and ask for help if you need to. When you have 50/50, you are 0% parenting or 100% parenting. When you are on, you are fully ON. Then when you are off, you have all the home chores to do alone - dishes, laundry, home repairs, landscaping, holiday decor, etc. On the days she doesn’t have kids, she is technically off kid duty, but she has to squeeze in errands and other things because she can’t pop out to pick to groceries and leave kids home with the other parent. She can’t work late once in a while - on kid days she has to stop and pick up kids.

Yes, and *actual* single parents are ON *100%* of the time.

But they aren't, though. They can have nannies or sitters or use relatives or friends.

By this inane logic, no one is a single parent, because anyone could use nannies or sitters or relatives or friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend is divorced and has a 50/50 schedule. She doesn’t call herself a “single” mom, she says she is divorced. Even with a helpful, involved ex-husband who co-parents amicably, there is a privilege that comes from having a 2 adult household. Married or partners cohabitating, sharing expenses is a huge help. Having 2 adults to coordinate dinner and car pool is a huge help.

We have talked about the pros and cons of a 50/50 schedule. When you are married to a decent partner, you are a partial parent all the time. You know you can tap out and ask for help if you need to. When you have 50/50, you are 0% parenting or 100% parenting. When you are on, you are fully ON. Then when you are off, you have all the home chores to do alone - dishes, laundry, home repairs, landscaping, holiday decor, etc. On the days she doesn’t have kids, she is technically off kid duty, but she has to squeeze in errands and other things because she can’t pop out to pick to groceries and leave kids home with the other parent. She can’t work late once in a while - on kid days she has to stop and pick up kids.

Yes, and *actual* single parents are ON *100%* of the time.

But they aren't, though. They can have nannies or sitters or use relatives or friends.

By this inane logic, no one is a single parent, because anyone could use nannies or sitters or relatives or friends.

But that's the PP's logic. Only women with no help at all are single mothers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re not a single parent if there is another parent actively involved in raising the kids at the same time as you. Regardless of your romantic status.

Fixed it for you.

Why do you insist on begrudging a divorced mom the hardship of being the solo parent every time they have their kids?

Because she’s a liar. She isn’t a single mom, she’s a divorced mother co-parenting with her ex and trying to pretend he’s not parenting their children as well, presumably for sympathy.

Military spouses aren’t single parents every time their spouses deploy, even though they may be “solo parenting” for awhile and it’s really difficult.

You have a crazy chip on your shoulder about your spouse being a bad co-parent.