When can you call yourself a single mother?

[Anonymous]

If you have shared custody then you are a single parent 50% of the time and childless 50% of the time. Really you are coparenting, not a single parent.

A single parent to me is someone who has no other parent who contributes to the responsiblities of having a child - as in you are the single (only) person or parent responsible for this child. If mom or dad is out of the picture and not involved in any way - then you are a single parent.

A single parent doesn't mean there is no other parent in the house. You don't become a single parent when your spouse travels for work. You don't become a single parent when your spouse (or ex spouse)s is just in a different location but still actively involved as a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When the father has minimal custody (like over the summer or a few times per year or less) and doesn't really help financially. Otherwise you are a coparent. Hell, "single parenting" 50% of the time sounds like a freakin' vacation compared to my life. I fantasize about it often.

You have a full other human in your house and you think she has it easier?

Let me guess “mental load”?

Too controlling?
Go to the gym girl and work that out the kids will be fine alone with dad.

Queue the bemoaning … but they won’t get veggies with dinner trooe.

Yeah actually having 3-4 days completely off from parenting would be much easier than being the primary parent all the time.

Some people like their kids.

Nobody said they didn't like their kids. It would simply be EASIER. I love my kids. a LOT! But if you think lugging a diaper bag and two children under 5 to the grocery store is easier than going by myself you are wrong.

I think it would be harder to be separated from my kids. But I guess some errands would be easier, yay?

Mom with 80/20 custody here. Being away from your kids regularly, especially for holidays, birthdays, etc. is by far worse than having to drag both kids to the grocery store FFS. PP sounds like an ungrateful a$$hole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When the father has minimal custody (like over the summer or a few times per year or less) and doesn't really help financially. Otherwise you are a coparent. Hell, "single parenting" 50% of the time sounds like a freakin' vacation compared to my life. I fantasize about it often.

You have a full other human in your house and you think she has it easier?

Let me guess “mental load”?

Too controlling?
Go to the gym girl and work that out the kids will be fine alone with dad.

Queue the bemoaning … but they won’t get veggies with dinner trooe.

LOL, yes. I do. I am the primary caregiver. I have almost zero time to myself. Having 3 days/week where I only have to feed myself and am not dealing with my SN kid sounds glorious with where I am in my life right now. I would love to be able to piss without my kids starting to scream at each other. I would love to wake up and get ready for work in the morning without feeding 2 kids and making 2 lunches while constantly doing conflict resolution and managing my SN kid's emotions 100% of the time. I would love to be able to go out with a friend at night every once in a while instead of being home because DH has a demanding job. Glorious, I tell you.

Exactly NONE of this is your friend's problem or responsibility to solve. Quit projecting your unhappiness onto her life!

You sound toxic af.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get over it.

Analyze why this matters to you.

I was pretty clear, she gets more free time in a week then I get in two months yet she’s adopted the persona of a beleaguered single mom doing it all on her own. I’ve noticed others do it as well.
I was raised by a single mom, my father removed himself to the other side of the country, I watched her work two jobs and completely forgo a social life to keep a roof over our heads, my mother was a single mother. My friend is a part-timer at best but likes to play the part. that’s what bothers me.

Mind your own business, crazy Karen!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When the father has minimal custody (like over the summer or a few times per year or less) and doesn't really help financially. Otherwise you are a coparent. Hell, "single parenting" 50% of the time sounds like a freakin' vacation compared to my life. I fantasize about it often.

You have a full other human in your house and you think she has it easier?

Let me guess “mental load”?

Too controlling?
Go to the gym girl and work that out the kids will be fine alone with dad.

Queue the bemoaning … but they won’t get veggies with dinner trooe.

LOL, yes. I do. I am the primary caregiver. I have almost zero time to myself. Having 3 days/week where I only have to feed myself and am not dealing with my SN kid sounds glorious with where I am in my life right now. I would love to be able to piss without my kids starting to scream at each other. I would love to wake up and get ready for work in the morning without feeding 2 kids and making 2 lunches while constantly doing conflict resolution and managing my SN kid's emotions 100% of the time. I would love to be able to go out with a friend at night every once in a while instead of being home because DH has a demanding job. Glorious, I tell you.

Stop being so controlling go out 3 nights a week and go to a gym it's fine.

and... why do you think the single mom in OP's scenario doesn't do all the mental load.

[Anonymous]

I get you. I’m a single mom bc my ex literally has no custody or visitation and I do everything for the kids. He is not even in the picture. I do it all myself. No help from family, either.
I’m not sure what I’d call myself if I had shared custody - probably a coparenting mom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have full custody and single mother is not something my friends are jealous of me about. It often becomes a derogatory term. I try to pretend I'm not in as many situations as I can get away with. I don't really know why someone would think it would add to their social life to use the term.

Right? This isn't a brag, and being weird about someone saying they're a single mom, calling them basically not single enough, is pretty deranged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When the father has minimal custody (like over the summer or a few times per year or less) and doesn't really help financially. Otherwise you are a coparent. Hell, "single parenting" 50% of the time sounds like a freakin' vacation compared to my life. I fantasize about it often.

You have a full other human in your house and you think she has it easier?

Let me guess “mental load”?

Too controlling?
Go to the gym girl and work that out the kids will be fine alone with dad.

Queue the bemoaning … but they won’t get veggies with dinner trooe.

Yeah actually having 3-4 days completely off from parenting would be much easier than being the primary parent all the time.

Oh, you sweet summer child. "days off" when trying to co-parent with a narcissistic ex?

No parent trying to parent with an ex has days off. If your ex could functionally co-parent, he wouldn't be your ex! The amount of logistics and "mental load" increases when families split. This isn't a perk, and healthy people wouldn't be jealous of this scenario.

Get your burnout and butthurt to a therapist and leave your poor friend out of it!

Also? DROP THE ROCK!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If we all say she can't call herself a single mom are you going to share the DCUM ruling with her? Will she get fined? What's the second step here?

She will have to takedown all the posts about hard it has been and give back all the likes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get over it.

Analyze why this matters to you.

I was pretty clear, she gets more free time in a week then I get in two months yet she’s adopted the persona of a beleaguered single mom doing it all on her own. I’ve noticed others do it as well.
I was raised by a single mom, my father removed himself to the other side of the country, I watched her work two jobs and completely forgo a social life to keep a roof over our heads, my mother was a single mother. My friend is a part-timer at best but likes to play the part. that’s what bothers me.

Stop projecting your dissatisfaction with your own life onto your "friend". It isn't your place to say whether or not your single mom friend "qualifies" for support or understanding.

It is absolutely your responsibility to check into why you feel content to criticize her content, take her inventory, and dictate how she can/can't identify, based on your own metrics and level of burnout.

This is 100% a you problem, OP. Mind your own business and work on your own life quality.

Ehhhh I dunno, you are allowed to have opinions about the content people post online and how people identify. Nothing inherently wrong with that. As a matter of fact America in general is obsessed with people’s identities so why isn’t she allowed to have opinions?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When the father has minimal custody (like over the summer or a few times per year or less) and doesn't really help financially. Otherwise you are a coparent. Hell, "single parenting" 50% of the time sounds like a freakin' vacation compared to my life. I fantasize about it often.

You have a full other human in your house and you think she has it easier?

Let me guess “mental load”?

Too controlling?
Go to the gym girl and work that out the kids will be fine alone with dad.

Queue the bemoaning … but they won’t get veggies with dinner trooe.

Yeah actually having 3-4 days completely off from parenting would be much easier than being the primary parent all the time.

Some people like their kids.

Nobody said they didn't like their kids. It would simply be EASIER. I love my kids. a LOT! But if you think lugging a diaper bag and two children under 5 to the grocery store is easier than going by myself you are wrong.

And you think going alone while worrying about whether or not your kids are being properly cared for or are going to come home okay and on time is going to be magically easier? You think having to deal with your ex for dropoff, pickup, and coordinating visits makes things less complicated? You think your ex's new partner is going to be the babysitter you could've hired for your stupid self if/when you needed a break?

You're not thinking this through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When the father has minimal custody (like over the summer or a few times per year or less) and doesn't really help financially. Otherwise you are a coparent. Hell, "single parenting" 50% of the time sounds like a freakin' vacation compared to my life. I fantasize about it often.

You have a full other human in your house and you think she has it easier?

Let me guess “mental load”?

Too controlling?
Go to the gym girl and work that out the kids will be fine alone with dad.

Queue the bemoaning … but they won’t get veggies with dinner trooe.

Yeah actually having 3-4 days completely off from parenting would be much easier than being the primary parent all the time.

Oh, you sweet summer child. "days off" when trying to co-parent with a narcissistic ex?

No parent trying to parent with an ex has days off. If your ex could functionally co-parent, he wouldn't be your ex! The amount of logistics and "mental load" increases when families split. This isn't a perk, and healthy people wouldn't be jealous of this scenario.

Get your burnout and butthurt to a therapist and leave your poor friend out of it!

Also? DROP THE ROCK!!!

Actually I am a widow…have my kids all the time. Not really burned out or butthurt and I dunno why you’d assume those very negative things about me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When the father has minimal custody (like over the summer or a few times per year or less) and doesn't really help financially. Otherwise you are a coparent. Hell, "single parenting" 50% of the time sounds like a freakin' vacation compared to my life. I fantasize about it often.

You have a full other human in your house and you think she has it easier?

Let me guess “mental load”?

Too controlling?
Go to the gym girl and work that out the kids will be fine alone with dad.

Queue the bemoaning … but they won’t get veggies with dinner trooe.

Yeah actually having 3-4 days completely off from parenting would be much easier than being the primary parent all the time.

Some people like their kids.

Nobody said they didn't like their kids. It would simply be EASIER. I love my kids. a LOT! But if you think lugging a diaper bag and two children under 5 to the grocery store is easier than going by myself you are wrong.

I think it would be harder to be separated from my kids. But I guess some errands would be easier, yay?

Mom with 80/20 custody here. Being away from your kids regularly, especially for holidays, birthdays, etc. is by far worse than having to drag both kids to the grocery store FFS. PP sounds like an ungrateful a$$hole.

💯

[Anonymous]

I think people use it more about relationship status than whether they are the only parent in their kids’ life. When people get remarried/get married they don’t call themselves a single mom anymore. Also, as a married mom, things are more stressful when husband is out of town, there’s no backup if I get stuck on a work call or if one kid’s activity runs long and I need to pick up another kid across town, etc…so I think people need to STFU about what moms call themselves and focus on their own lives.

[Anonymous]

Slightly different take on answering the question, but it’s ridiculous when married parents use the term “single parenting” for when one of the spouses are out of town for work or a girls or guys trip. It’s almost disrespectful to real single parents.