Vent: My son unintentionally shamed my brother, who then "told on me" to our parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly do your parents want your son to apologize for? He’s 7 years old. They are inquisitive and insistent and all little budding attorneys. Your brother should have had some way to explain himself and the way he is living his life. Maybe as a PP said, you can tell your brother you’re sorry he was uncomfortable. Your son doesn’t need to say anything.

But OP, what do your parents expect to happen when they die? Do they expect you to take over in looking after your brother? Are they going to set up a trust for him, assuming they’ll have assets they can leave for him so he doesn’t blow through everything. If you haven’t had that discussion with them, you should. And if he hasn’t gotten any mental health assessments, he should.

The idea that your brother brought over his dirty laundry for you to do is just mind-blowing.

+1000

Yup exactly. My sister had 5 kids and we all had to glorify her for not having a full time job. That was somewhat okay when the kids were little, but one day the kids were no longer kids, yet she continued to stay home and we all were supposed to praise her for this. Meanwhile her husband got very ill and they had to move into a shack and now she's miserable....but it never occured to her to get a job. And we still have to justify her refusal to get a job.

I don't consider a woman with 5 kids, even if they are in high school, working part-time or even only being SAHM anything like OP's brother's situation. Look into what it costs to have someone prepare meals, help with homework, monitor phone usage, provide emotional support, clean, organize, etc and then get to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this isn’t fake, the idea of a 7-year-old grilling his uncle about what he does all day seems really inorganic. Kids don’t sit around thinking about this shit.

Said by a childless person. One of my kids is like Young Sheldon and he asks questions like this all the time. He’s trying to figure out the world around him. It’s not that uncommon.

I’m childless and my nephews ask the wildest questions sometimes. They don’t come out and ask the deeper questions but it usually starts like

“aunt Mary, why don’t you have kids” and goes from there.

same! "aunt suzie, do you hope for children?"

"But why Aunt Suzie, why don't you have kids? All married people have kids I don't understand!? This is confusing. Isn't that what married grownups do?" As if Susie needs to discuss her infertility, which may be painful, or choice not to have kids which may result in a lot of needling from other family members, any more than the uncle needs to talk about how his exhaustion is code for depression to a 7 yr old nosy brat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hey bro, I'm sorry my kid has no filter. He shouldn't have said what he said and we're working on manners. See you at 4 for Easter!

I would only do this if the brother asked for an apology directly, and with wording that acknowledges a kid shouldn’t be shamed for asking basic questions. Asking is one thing, prodding or not dropping a sensitive subject is another.

I don't think the child has been shamed for asking the questions, therefore only a fragile and defensive mom would feel the need to add that in.

What is wrong with simply saying the child made a mistake? I would only defend my kid in this situation IF the offended party pushed or argued with me or actually shamed my child. Reminds me of an interaction I watched once, when child A said to child B "what's wrong with your nose? It's just weird," and Child A's mom immediately jumped in and said "She's just curious that's all, it's not mean to notice things that are different, she's not hurting your feelings, it's ok for her to notice things she's a curious child..." Ok not exactly the same, but similar. Child is rude, parent corrects child, apologies are made. Done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly do your parents want your son to apologize for? He’s 7 years old. They are inquisitive and insistent and all little budding attorneys. Your brother should have had some way to explain himself and the way he is living his life. Maybe as a PP said, you can tell your brother you’re sorry he was uncomfortable. Your son doesn’t need to say anything.

But OP, what do your parents expect to happen when they die? Do they expect you to take over in looking after your brother? Are they going to set up a trust for him, assuming they’ll have assets they can leave for him so he doesn’t blow through everything. If you haven’t had that discussion with them, you should. And if he hasn’t gotten any mental health assessments, he should.

The idea that your brother brought over his dirty laundry for you to do is just mind-blowing.

+1000

Yup exactly. My sister had 5 kids and we all had to glorify her for not having a full time job. That was somewhat okay when the kids were little, but one day the kids were no longer kids, yet she continued to stay home and we all were supposed to praise her for this. Meanwhile her husband got very ill and they had to move into a shack and now she's miserable....but it never occured to her to get a job. And we still have to justify her refusal to get a job.

With five kids and a sick husband, working seems like an impossible task. Clearly they are making it work. As a decent sister, why don't you step up and help are for them with the daily needs so she can work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Your son did nothing wrong.
2. You were right to put a stop to the interrogation. You did nothing wrong.
3. You were right to say what you did to your parents. You did nothing wrong.

Most people like your brother have undiagnosed, untreated, mental health disorders. They are too old to change much, unfortunately. The most common disorder is autism, which comes with all sorts of executive function issues, mental rigidity, social anxiety and OCD. Usually it's one of the latter symptoms that people see. ADHD and anxiety can be medicated, but autism needs to be addressed behaviorally from a young age, because there's no medication and you can only build social skills and life habits, not change the underlying neurodivergence. If your brother is also tired, maybe he has a physical condition, such as sleep apnea. He should consult his doctor, if he can be persuaded to do so.

YOur 7 year old did nothing wrong. Your brother needs to stop being butt hurt about what a 7 year old says, and maybe actually listen to the 7 yr old. Kids will call it as they see it. Hmmmm, my parents are adults and they work, why doesnt my uncle? It's not that hard.

If the brother has mental health issues, your parents aren't doing any favors to him by not stepping in and doing something about it. All they are doing is perpetuating the fragility and when your parents are gone, guess who will be expected to fix it? You. And noone is going to have the capacity to hear "i told you so" from you, even though you are right

OP, and you, have no idea what their dynamic is or what they are doing to help their son. Yes, some parents are enabling and allow adult children to mooch off them. Others are working privately to encourage therapy or medication (potentially meeting resistance, so a work in progress) or gaining government assistance etc etc. The issue here is that OP is completely disconnected from her brother by her own admission so she doesn’t really know. All she knows is that he gets financial assistance from her parents and doesn’t work.

He came over her house in multiple
Occasions with dirty laundry assuming she would do it for him! What are the parents doing exactly? He’s 42, he can do his own laundry and having that example to kids is awful!

He’s 42, he can do his own laundry, AND the fact that he tried to bring it over to his sister’s doesn’t mean that his parents are “not stepping in and doing something about it.” On the one hand, you are saying he is responsible and then on the other, you are blaming his parents and insisting they aren’t doing anything. You, OP and I have no idea what they are trying to do to get their son launched/medicated/motivated.

[Anonymous]

Why is a 42 year old man’s mother making his hard emotional phone calls for him?

Team kid

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly do your parents want your son to apologize for? He’s 7 years old. They are inquisitive and insistent and all little budding attorneys. Your brother should have had some way to explain himself and the way he is living his life. Maybe as a PP said, you can tell your brother you’re sorry he was uncomfortable. Your son doesn’t need to say anything.

But OP, what do your parents expect to happen when they die? Do they expect you to take over in looking after your brother? Are they going to set up a trust for him, assuming they’ll have assets they can leave for him so he doesn’t blow through everything. If you haven’t had that discussion with them, you should. And if he hasn’t gotten any mental health assessments, he should.

The idea that your brother brought over his dirty laundry for you to do is just mind-blowing.

+1000

Yup exactly. My sister had 5 kids and we all had to glorify her for not having a full time job. That was somewhat okay when the kids were little, but one day the kids were no longer kids, yet she continued to stay home and we all were supposed to praise her for this. Meanwhile her husband got very ill and they had to move into a shack and now she's miserable....but it never occured to her to get a job. And we still have to justify her refusal to get a job.

I don't consider a woman with 5 kids, even if they are in high school, working part-time or even only being SAHM anything like OP's brother's situation. Look into what it costs to have someone prepare meals, help with homework, monitor phone usage, provide emotional support, clean, organize, etc and then get to me.

Ha! You have no idea how much everyone, including me, has poured into helping them. She can work part time. She absolutely can. The kids are no longer kids. Plan your life better. They may choose to make their life a living hell but I am not going to allow them to make mine a living hell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly do your parents want your son to apologize for? He’s 7 years old. They are inquisitive and insistent and all little budding attorneys. Your brother should have had some way to explain himself and the way he is living his life. Maybe as a PP said, you can tell your brother you’re sorry he was uncomfortable. Your son doesn’t need to say anything.

But OP, what do your parents expect to happen when they die? Do they expect you to take over in looking after your brother? Are they going to set up a trust for him, assuming they’ll have assets they can leave for him so he doesn’t blow through everything. If you haven’t had that discussion with them, you should. And if he hasn’t gotten any mental health assessments, he should.

The idea that your brother brought over his dirty laundry for you to do is just mind-blowing.

+1000

Yup exactly. My sister had 5 kids and we all had to glorify her for not having a full time job. That was somewhat okay when the kids were little, but one day the kids were no longer kids, yet she continued to stay home and we all were supposed to praise her for this. Meanwhile her husband got very ill and they had to move into a shack and now she's miserable....but it never occured to her to get a job. And we still have to justify her refusal to get a job.

I don't consider a woman with 5 kids, even if they are in high school, working part-time or even only being SAHM anything like OP's brother's situation. Look into what it costs to have someone prepare meals, help with homework, monitor phone usage, provide emotional support, clean, organize, etc and then get to me.

Ha! You have no idea how much everyone, including me, has poured into helping them. She can work part time. She absolutely can. The kids are no longer kids. Plan your life better. They may choose to make their life a living hell but I am not going to allow them to make mine a living hell.

And they are not making it work if tehy have to constantly ask every family member for money yet refuse to seek help from formal social services.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly do your parents want your son to apologize for? He’s 7 years old. They are inquisitive and insistent and all little budding attorneys. Your brother should have had some way to explain himself and the way he is living his life. Maybe as a PP said, you can tell your brother you’re sorry he was uncomfortable. Your son doesn’t need to say anything.

But OP, what do your parents expect to happen when they die? Do they expect you to take over in looking after your brother? Are they going to set up a trust for him, assuming they’ll have assets they can leave for him so he doesn’t blow through everything. If you haven’t had that discussion with them, you should. And if he hasn’t gotten any mental health assessments, he should.

The idea that your brother brought over his dirty laundry for you to do is just mind-blowing.

+1000

Yup exactly. My sister had 5 kids and we all had to glorify her for not having a full time job. That was somewhat okay when the kids were little, but one day the kids were no longer kids, yet she continued to stay home and we all were supposed to praise her for this. Meanwhile her husband got very ill and they had to move into a shack and now she's miserable....but it never occured to her to get a job. And we still have to justify her refusal to get a job.

What do you mean the kids are no longer kids? Is she an empty nester?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly do your parents want your son to apologize for? He’s 7 years old. They are inquisitive and insistent and all little budding attorneys. Your brother should have had some way to explain himself and the way he is living his life. Maybe as a PP said, you can tell your brother you’re sorry he was uncomfortable. Your son doesn’t need to say anything.

But OP, what do your parents expect to happen when they die? Do they expect you to take over in looking after your brother? Are they going to set up a trust for him, assuming they’ll have assets they can leave for him so he doesn’t blow through everything. If you haven’t had that discussion with them, you should. And if he hasn’t gotten any mental health assessments, he should.

The idea that your brother brought over his dirty laundry for you to do is just mind-blowing.

+1000

Yup exactly. My sister had 5 kids and we all had to glorify her for not having a full time job. That was somewhat okay when the kids were little, but one day the kids were no longer kids, yet she continued to stay home and we all were supposed to praise her for this. Meanwhile her husband got very ill and they had to move into a shack and now she's miserable....but it never occured to her to get a job. And we still have to justify her refusal to get a job.

What do you mean the kids are no longer kids? Is she an empty nester?

3 are out of the house. Two in HS. You all coddle mothers way too much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly do your parents want your son to apologize for? He’s 7 years old. They are inquisitive and insistent and all little budding attorneys. Your brother should have had some way to explain himself and the way he is living his life. Maybe as a PP said, you can tell your brother you’re sorry he was uncomfortable. Your son doesn’t need to say anything.

But OP, what do your parents expect to happen when they die? Do they expect you to take over in looking after your brother? Are they going to set up a trust for him, assuming they’ll have assets they can leave for him so he doesn’t blow through everything. If you haven’t had that discussion with them, you should. And if he hasn’t gotten any mental health assessments, he should.

The idea that your brother brought over his dirty laundry for you to do is just mind-blowing.

+1000

Yup exactly. My sister had 5 kids and we all had to glorify her for not having a full time job. That was somewhat okay when the kids were little, but one day the kids were no longer kids, yet she continued to stay home and we all were supposed to praise her for this. Meanwhile her husband got very ill and they had to move into a shack and now she's miserable....but it never occured to her to get a job. And we still have to justify her refusal to get a job.

I don't consider a woman with 5 kids, even if they are in high school, working part-time or even only being SAHM anything like OP's brother's situation. Look into what it costs to have someone prepare meals, help with homework, monitor phone usage, provide emotional support, clean, organize, etc and then get to me.

+1. Five kids is a ton of work at any age. There was a period of time (late elementary, maybe?) where kids were less work. But the amount of time spent coaching/guiding them through school and homework/social situations/college apps/ extra curriculars, etc. was ENORMOUS. Five kids would be a full time job regardless of their ages.

[Anonymous]

I have a 7 year old DD who is very curious and outspoken. Can't imagine her ever asking this question or badgering an adult over employment. Your son's behavior is a reflection of commentary and attitudes in your household regarding your brother. Very poor form on your end, apologize and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that children have the right to ask questions and OP seems to have cut the child off.

I would caution you OP that you may not have the full story about your brother and it IS possible he is battling something like chronic fatigue or mental illness that you aren’t privy to. And sometimes treatment for that is impacted if you work, in terms of govt benefits. Yes it’s possible he was raised poorly, is lazy etc but you yourself said you pulled away from the relationship back in his college days. That was a long time ago and long enough for medical information to have popped up to explain some things (and for you not to have been kept in the loop).

It's none of OP's business or her kid's business why her adult brother and adult parents have the arrangement they have. OP should focus on teaching her kid manners and social norms - this type of behavior will not endear him to peers or other adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree that children have the right to ask questions and OP seems to have cut the child off.

I would caution you OP that you may not have the full story about your brother and it IS possible he is battling something like chronic fatigue or mental illness that you aren’t privy to. And sometimes treatment for that is impacted if you work, in terms of govt benefits. Yes it’s possible he was raised poorly, is lazy etc but you yourself said you pulled away from the relationship back in his college days. That was a long time ago and long enough for medical information to have popped up to explain some things (and for you not to have been kept in the loop).

It's none of OP's business or her kid's business why her adult brother and adult parents have the arrangement they have. OP should focus on teaching her kid manners and social norms - this type of behavior will not endear him to peers or other adults.

In social settings it is normal for people ask what you do for a living when getting to know you. The kids did nothing wrong. The brother needs some phrases he can give that make him feel comfortable and some ways to shut it down if it continues. He is an adult. If he is emotionally disabled there is no way for OP to know unless somebody shares it. Otherwise they assume he is a mentally healthy enough to answer a typical question without falling apart, telling mommy and dragging her into it. This is NOT normal and it should not be enabled. Even if he is emotionally disabled, I psychologist can help him cope with what should be a minor stress.

[Anonymous]

OP, it might help you and your son to realize that your brother likely has a disability. Probably if you think about it, you can figure out what the disability is. And it’s worth figuring out because that’s your children’s family history too.