Was I married to a stranger? Even socialites get ghosted. Modern Love!

[Anonymous]

Her decision to move forward stoically without answers, without even talking to the OW DH, is very WASPy, but it could be something else. Many toxic people claim to "have no idea" why they were abadoned, but they were told why, and just would not accept it.

Publishing this article is not very WASPy, and it is smelling fishier to me the more I think on it. It makes him look bad, yes, but it makes her look bad too. Why would she do this thing her class has been raised not to do? Seems like an abuser's stance: I'll take you down WITH me.

Also I think she's overstating the abandonment of the kids. I would bet he still sees them, but declined to fight for custody of teens, set in their routines and a few years from independence. That's actually a fine fatherly decision. He also may not have been willing to fight on that point because he knew she'd get vicious and it would hurt the kids further.

Total conjecture, but she might be the bad guy, I see plenty of red flags, like it was an abuser/victim role reversal

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Her decision to move forward stoically without answers, without even talking to the OW DH, is very WASPy, but it could be something else. Many toxic people claim to "have no idea" why they were abadoned, but they were told why, and just would not accept it.

Publishing this article is not very WASPy, and it is smelling fishier to me the more I think on it. It makes him look bad, yes, but it makes her look bad too. Why would she do this thing her class has been raised not to do? Seems like an abuser's stance: I'll take you down WITH me.

Also I think she's overstating the abandonment of the kids. I would bet he still sees them, but declined to fight for custody of teens, set in their routines and a few years from independence. That's actually a fine fatherly decision. He also may not have been willing to fight on that point because he knew she'd get vicious and it would hurt the kids further.

Total conjecture, but she might be the bad guy, I see plenty of red flags, like it was an abuser/victim role reversal

Interesting theory. There’s a third possibility here: they’re both pretty bad. Like I’m not inclined to view a man who cheats and walks out as a “victim.” Nor was he some sort of resource less person, he is a lawyer and could extricate himself from an abusive marriage without too much difficulty. They could both have personality disorders.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Her decision to move forward stoically without answers, without even talking to the OW DH, is very WASPy, but it could be something else. Many toxic people claim to "have no idea" why they were abadoned, but they were told why, and just would not accept it.

Publishing this article is not very WASPy, and it is smelling fishier to me the more I think on it. It makes him look bad, yes, but it makes her look bad too. Why would she do this thing her class has been raised not to do? Seems like an abuser's stance: I'll take you down WITH me.

Also I think she's overstating the abandonment of the kids. I would bet he still sees them, but declined to fight for custody of teens, set in their routines and a few years from independence. That's actually a fine fatherly decision. He also may not have been willing to fight on that point because he knew she'd get vicious and it would hurt the kids further.

Total conjecture, but she might be the bad guy, I see plenty of red flags, like it was an abuser/victim role reversal

Interesting theory. There’s a third possibility here: they’re both pretty bad. Like I’m not inclined to view a man who cheats and walks out as a “victim.” Nor was he some sort of resource less person, he is a lawyer and could extricate himself from an abusive marriage without too much difficulty. They could both have personality disorders.

You're right of course. Most likely both of them are terrible. They're gonna have to see each other at the girls' graduations and weddings. Think how awkward for everyone involved! Including the poor girls and the guests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The MV house is worth $4.7m apparently, on top of her multi-million dollar NYC apartment. She's a descendant of the Vanderbilt family. And just to keep it current, the Daily Mail notes that she's a Harvard alum whose family has donated a building and lots of $$. Doesn't make her husband less of a jerk, but the story is a bit less compelling when you realize she is an uber-wealthy socialite.

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-12252243/NYC-lawyer-shares-anguish-husband-20-years-left-woman-pandemic.html

Eh. Disagree. My takeaway was he saw her as an opportunity to move up in the world, as a senior associate probably already knew he wasn’t making partner, and he likely never loved her. Then because of the pandemic he just pulled the plug on the whole farce since he didn’t want to be stuck in the house with her and the kids.

I also suspect he was a social climber. He already had a distant connection to high society. People who get a little taste of it but are acutely aware they are on the fringes are way more bitter about it than regular people who have no connection at all. She would have had a more honest marriage with someone who didn't care about her pedigree at all. It might not have lasted long, but she wouldn't have been ghosted.

+1
We summer nearby and there are a lot of people who grew up going there b/c 40/50 years ago it was not an expensive destination yet can't afford more than a week or two now. We know multiple families where the current parents grew up summering there at houses owned by their parents or grandparents and at some point those houses were sold (before the nantucket & vineyard markets went nuts) and they know they'll never be able to acquire a house there or the lifestyle they grew up with. That said, with his current job he has attained a high enough income to get at least an entry level place there. Perhaps that's part of it in that he no longer needed her to achieve the lifestyle he had gotten used to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Her decision to move forward stoically without answers, without even talking to the OW DH, is very WASPy, but it could be something else. Many toxic people claim to "have no idea" why they were abadoned, but they were told why, and just would not accept it.

Publishing this article is not very WASPy, and it is smelling fishier to me the more I think on it. It makes him look bad, yes, but it makes her look bad too. Why would she do this thing her class has been raised not to do? Seems like an abuser's stance: I'll take you down WITH me.

Also I think she's overstating the abandonment of the kids. I would bet he still sees them, but declined to fight for custody of teens, set in their routines and a few years from independence. That's actually a fine fatherly decision. He also may not have been willing to fight on that point because he knew she'd get vicious and it would hurt the kids further.

Total conjecture, but she might be the bad guy, I see plenty of red flags, like it was an abuser/victim role reversal

100 percent to all of this. Well said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Her decision to move forward stoically without answers, without even talking to the OW DH, is very WASPy, but it could be something else. Many toxic people claim to "have no idea" why they were abadoned, but they were told why, and just would not accept it.

Publishing this article is not very WASPy, and it is smelling fishier to me the more I think on it. It makes him look bad, yes, but it makes her look bad too. Why would she do this thing her class has been raised not to do? Seems like an abuser's stance: I'll take you down WITH me.

Also I think she's overstating the abandonment of the kids. I would bet he still sees them, but declined to fight for custody of teens, set in their routines and a few years from independence. That's actually a fine fatherly decision. He also may not have been willing to fight on that point because he knew she'd get vicious and it would hurt the kids further.

Total conjecture, but she might be the bad guy, I see plenty of red flags, like it was an abuser/victim role reversal

+1000000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Her decision to move forward stoically without answers, without even talking to the OW DH, is very WASPy, but it could be something else. Many toxic people claim to "have no idea" why they were abadoned, but they were told why, and just would not accept it.

Publishing this article is not very WASPy, and it is smelling fishier to me the more I think on it. It makes him look bad, yes, but it makes her look bad too. Why would she do this thing her class has been raised not to do? Seems like an abuser's stance: I'll take you down WITH me.

Also I think she's overstating the abandonment of the kids. I would bet he still sees them, but declined to fight for custody of teens, set in their routines and a few years from independence. That's actually a fine fatherly decision. He also may not have been willing to fight on that point because he knew she'd get vicious and it would hurt the kids further.

Total conjecture, but she might be the bad guy, I see plenty of red flags, like it was an abuser/victim role reversal

Conjecture but I agree with everything you wrote.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The MV house is worth $4.7m apparently, on top of her multi-million dollar NYC apartment. She's a descendant of the Vanderbilt family. And just to keep it current, the Daily Mail notes that she's a Harvard alum whose family has donated a building and lots of $$. Doesn't make her husband less of a jerk, but the story is a bit less compelling when you realize she is an uber-wealthy socialite.

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-12252243/NYC-lawyer-shares-anguish-husband-20-years-left-woman-pandemic.html

Eh. Disagree. My takeaway was he saw her as an opportunity to move up in the world, as a senior associate probably already knew he wasn’t making partner, and he likely never loved her. Then because of the pandemic he just pulled the plug on the whole farce since he didn’t want to be stuck in the house with her and the kids.

I also suspect he was a social climber. He already had a distant connection to high society. People who get a little taste of it but are acutely aware they are on the fringes are way more bitter about it than regular people who have no connection at all. She would have had a more honest marriage with someone who didn't care about her pedigree at all. It might not have lasted long, but she wouldn't have been ghosted.

+1
We summer nearby and there are a lot of people who grew up going there b/c 40/50 years ago it was not an expensive destination yet can't afford more than a week or two now. We know multiple families where the current parents grew up summering there at houses owned by their parents or grandparents and at some point those houses were sold (before the nantucket & vineyard markets went nuts) and they know they'll never be able to acquire a house there or the lifestyle they grew up with. That said, with his current job he has attained a high enough income to get at least an entry level place there. Perhaps that's part of it in that he no longer needed her to achieve the lifestyle he had gotten used to.

This. It wouldn’t surprise me if he had been having affairs for some time. Now it was April 2020. He had been stuck at home for a month. It could be a year before he could get back to chasing tail. The new high income position also lit a fire under him to divorce quick and secure the new income stream for himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The MV house is worth $4.7m apparently, on top of her multi-million dollar NYC apartment. She's a descendant of the Vanderbilt family. And just to keep it current, the Daily Mail notes that she's a Harvard alum whose family has donated a building and lots of $$. Doesn't make her husband less of a jerk, but the story is a bit less compelling when you realize she is an uber-wealthy socialite.

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-12252243/NYC-lawyer-shares-anguish-husband-20-years-left-woman-pandemic.html

It was all in the subtext, anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like this story happens a lot. Rich woman with family connections marries a man who is in it for the money and connections. He uses her to rise to the top then takes off. He was probably planning to wait until the kids were in college but the covid lockdown sped things up. The fact that the in-laws wouldn’t talk to her at all tells me that she was probably insufferable.

25 years is an awfully long time to use someone for money and connections though. It’s like why even bother at that point.

Because he probably had tons of other women on the side the whole time. And money and connections plus side ladies was bearable but when that changed it was not. I feel for this woman but she was oblivious and only found out because she was contacted by the OW’s husband.

So much this. What if that other husband had not called? They'd probably still be chugging along and he would have started going "into the office" again fairly early on in the pandemic.

I don't see her as the abuser/red flag as some of the PPs. I think she was in her bubble believing something like this would never happen to her. The only surprising thing is that he left. Usually the wife is the one to end it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Alright I went a little deep on the Davis family. Found the brother's? wedding announcement in the NYT (2002). And I think these white people jumped a broom at their wedding and said it was 100 year old tradition??? The pics are hard to make out, but I think they are all white. What the what??

Please link it!

https://www.nytimes.com/2002/09/22/style/weddings-celebrations-vows-bridget-elias-and-townsend-davis.html

The white people jumping the broom and the thirsty ancestor name dropping in the wedding announcement is so terrible.

But this is sad, seems like Bridget has alzheimers. https://patch.com/new-york/parkslope/calendar/event/20230520/46830955-6dfb-4705-b914-cbbf9cd27226/drawn-from-memory-the-cartoons-and-drawings-of-bridget-elias
And her kids are only 20 and 18. So I'm sure Belle Burden might be more understanding that her BIL is distracted and wants to circle the wagons around his family

Not the same lady. Just the same name.

Who is also married to a man named Townsend Davis? That is some coincidence!

It’s clearly the same lady and does make the slam on her husband look pretty bad.

The DH's PR folks have found this thread. How does having a relative with Alzheimer's excuse his walking out on his family to be with his married mistress? And refusing custody?

Try to keep up. The discussion was about the BIL not being more supportive of his brother’s Ex. Having a wife with Alzheimer’s and two young children would absolutely be an excuse to not be too preoccupied with what is going on with your brother’s divorce.

You try to keep up. The in-laws all refused to talk to her, not just this one guy.

Did they cut off the kids too?

DP. If the in laws stopped speaking to her and the husband stopped spending time with the children how would they even get in touch with the girls?

Oh, for heaven’s sake. The article doesn’t say he stopped seeing the children. In fact, it says that he was “kind” to the children. All it says is that he didn’t want legal custody. They’re teenagers, and I’m sure they have their own cell phones. I’m a grandparent and I just text my grandchildren when I want to contact them. This isn’t 1960.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Her decision to move forward stoically without answers, without even talking to the OW DH, is very WASPy, but it could be something else. Many toxic people claim to "have no idea" why they were abadoned, but they were told why, and just would not accept it.

Publishing this article is not very WASPy, and it is smelling fishier to me the more I think on it. It makes him look bad, yes, but it makes her look bad too. Why would she do this thing her class has been raised not to do? Seems like an abuser's stance: I'll take you down WITH me.

Also I think she's overstating the abandonment of the kids. I would bet he still sees them, but declined to fight for custody of teens, set in their routines and a few years from independence. That's actually a fine fatherly decision. He also may not have been willing to fight on that point because he knew she'd get vicious and it would hurt the kids further.

Total conjecture, but she might be the bad guy, I see plenty of red flags, like it was an abuser/victim role reversal

The youngest wasn’t a teen. She was 12, and still had 1/3 of her childhood remaining! The author says he did not want custody, period. No guarantee of any holidays or weekend visits or a couple weeks in the summer. That’s not normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Her decision to move forward stoically without answers, without even talking to the OW DH, is very WASPy, but it could be something else. Many toxic people claim to "have no idea" why they were abadoned, but they were told why, and just would not accept it.

Publishing this article is not very WASPy, and it is smelling fishier to me the more I think on it. It makes him look bad, yes, but it makes her look bad too. Why would she do this thing her class has been raised not to do? Seems like an abuser's stance: I'll take you down WITH me.

Also I think she's overstating the abandonment of the kids. I would bet he still sees them, but declined to fight for custody of teens, set in their routines and a few years from independence. That's actually a fine fatherly decision. He also may not have been willing to fight on that point because he knew she'd get vicious and it would hurt the kids further.

Total conjecture, but she might be the bad guy, I see plenty of red flags, like it was an abuser/victim role reversal

The youngest wasn’t a teen. She was 12, and still had 1/3 of her childhood remaining! The author says he did not want custody, period. No guarantee of any holidays or weekend visits or a couple weeks in the summer. That’s not normal.

+1. He's not even a so-called Disney dad - he just absolved himself of any responsibility towards his children except on his own terms. It's incredibly selfish and is in fact NOT a "fine fatherly decision."

I can't believe the inherent misogyny in labeling the wife as in the wrong for talking about her husband walking out on his wife and their kids because he wanted to play house with his affair partner. Unbelievable.

[Anonymous]

so do we know who the OW is?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am so curious about the author’s motivation for publishing this. She is so connected that I would have thought she would rather keep things private.

Way too googleable. Hard to believe there’s no revenge motive, since she portrays herself as pure as the driven snow. (And she lost 20 pounds of excess mom weight — yippie). Perhaps she thinks she is innocent of vengefulness because she goes easy on him. But really his reputation has been sullied. Which I am sure she is more than fine with.

I think it's fascinating and took a lot of courage to share. Are you connected to the husband or something? Abandoning kids is trash.

The in-laws sound just as bad. If my one of my siblings ghosted their spouse and the spouse called me up for answers, Id be working to get to the bottom of it. Loving and supporting my siblings doesn't mean I follow their lead in mistreating their spouse and kids.

Yep. My MIL was a see u next Tuesday. Yet she called me when his brother’s wife had an affair and told me how she confronted her and she’s a POS—-but when it was her son that did it…oh there must have been something wrong. She was divorced from a cheating alcoholic who she shot a bullet over his head that went into a bedroom wall when my husband was 6 and then basically ignored him and his brother —-years later moved some greasy smoker bf into the house who she put in front of her kids….she plays the narcissistic martyr really well now that she’s 80.

Okay, lady.

What?