Reply to I cannot stop feeling so deeply angry at someone

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP. I say this with nothing but love. One verbal exchange, even a humiliating one, is not grounds for someone to be killed or to have their will to live taken away. It's not grounds to take their kids or anything else  you mentioned. I am a bit concerned that you may misinterpret the lovely messages of support you've gotten as proof that your intense wishes for harm to befall this person are appropriate. If this person had murdered your child or something like that, your post would be emotionally on key and appropriate. But lots of people get into verbal tiffs, and it isn't a death sentence. Don't. Do. Anything. Harmful.  [/quote]

OP here. A few things:

(1) It was not one verbal exchange or a “verbal tiff.” It was a years long pattern of abusive behavior, including physical abuse. The emotional trigger I’m experiencing is from finally standing up to this person after years of tolerating their abuse and being humiliated in that interaction. Yes, that is trauma. Stop minimizing.

(2) I have not once stated that I planned to do anything harmful to this person. Not once. I do wish them harm because a big part of them wants them to suffer as they made me to suffer. But unlike them, I’m not abusive. I don’t actually want to hurt people or humiliate them. Truthfully, even if I had a sure fire way to make them feel as I did, I wouldn’t do it because I would never want to be responsible for hurting someone the way I’ve been hurt.

(3) The two points above are a major source of my anger. I was harmed in a serious and traumatic way, and I cannot give back in kind because it violates my personal ethical code. And I can’t get social justice because this person was/is in a position of power and authority, and as is always the case when such people do terrible things, is protected by people who benefit from the current power dynamics. They will tie themselves into knots to justify, explain, and recontextualize this person’s behavior to make their silence and inaction seem ok. One tactic they use often is minimizing, like you’ve done here. It was just one incident. It was just a verbal tiff.

Worrying about my “doing something” while simultaneously dismissing my anger as somehow outsized to what I experienced (while conveniently overlooking anything I’ve written that would indicate that this was more than a “single verbal exchange”) is not surprising to me, but I am so, so tired of it. Someone else did awful things to me that I’d never in a million years do to another person, but you’re scared of ME because I’m mad about it. Brilliant.[/quote]

Ok. I've seen people justify terrible violence, and your graphic descriptions of the pain that you'd like to befall this person were disturbing to me. I'll take your word for it that this is not something you would act on.  I do believe your distress is real.  I am not trying to minimize it, although at the same time, I often find that perspective is helpful for me. When I feel wronged, and I have been very wronged before, I do benefit from taking a step back and contemplating how the situation fits into the grand scheme. This is something that helps me move past injuries. I also believe firmly that we write our own stories and that if you flesh out a narrative in which you were able to overcome various challenges, you will be better for it. This isn't advice for you as you have a therapist and that is a more appropriate path. It's a way of understanding that not everyone who balks at the graphic depictions of harm that you described, and tries to put things into context, is out to get you or doesn't empathize with your pain.  [/quote]

A graphic depiction of harm is describing physically hurting or violating someone. Writing about wanting to send a bunch of postcards that say "you suck" or suing someone or taking an ad exposing them, or even yelling at them, are not graphic depictions of harm. Those are normal things to want to do to someone who hurt you, especially if that person did it from a position of authority and you felt powerless. Fantasies like this are about trying to reclaim power. None of them would inflict physical harm on the other person.[/quote]

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