No ring

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:It’s just a ring. Why do you feel like it’s a dealbreaker?

I think it’s important to many people in the way wearing a tux or nice suit and wedding dress at a wedding is important to many grooms and brides. Some people really don’t care but lots of people enjoy the traditional aspects of an engagement and wedding. An engagement ring (expensive or not) carries sentimental value and is a physical representation of the couple moving onto another, more serious, phase of life together. For many, saying “yes” and wearing an engagement ring is a significant milestone they look forward to.

Personally, I think if there is something your partner is really excited about and if that thing doesn’t overextend you in any way, you should try to honor your partners wishes. You should never go into debt over an engagement ring but I don’t think one partner should write it off as unimportant just because they don’t get what the whole big deal is. It’s important to your future spouse who you, presumably, love! At least making an effort to do something meaningful for them is important.

+1. Sick of posters pretending they’ve never heard of an engagement ring before. OP have you not brought up wanting one? Why???

It’s sentimental, yes. But if you don’t see eye to eye on it is it worth blowing up the relationship over if he’s committing to you for life?

That goes both ways. If you're committed and love someone, why not just get a ring instead of blowing up the relationship?

Because he doesn't want to go into deeper debt?!? I'm on his side on that one, by the way.

I’m not pp but why would he necessarily have to go into deb?. OP has said he is working and could save for one but doesn’t want to. It’s OPs problem if she is demanding something way beyond his budget but there are many inexpensive options that could work in the short or long term. It’s weird that he hasn’t even brought up a ring and doesn’t want to discuss the wedding…

+1. My “placeholder ring” was under $50 (we were both broke and in school) and now I use it as a travel ring. I treasure it and it holds so much sentimental value for both of us.

I mean, I think OP has made it perfectly clear that she would not accept a $50 ring.

OP, why don't you settle this - how much do you want him to spend on a ring for you?

+1. How much do you expect him to spend on a ring and how much does he CURRENTLY make? If he’s making 25k and you want a 10,000 ring now, get out of here. If he’s earning 100k but doesn’t want to save for a $3,000 ring because it’s important to you, not him, I’m on your side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No way would I marry someone who proposed without a ring. Especially if they knew it was important to me. This is a non-negotiable rite of passage for me and a totally baseline normal cultural expectation and anyone who doesn’t understand that is either too insecure about what he is offering, or has nothing to offer, or is withholding. They are seeing what they can get at the cheapest possible price and I value myself more than that.

I hate to say it, OP, but the only guy I know who is “pretty much engaged” but hasn’t bought a ring is very wish washy about the engagement and potential marriage and has had cold feet since the relationship got serious.

I have friends who have received big old diamonds, small antique rings, and even less traditional rings with other gems like sapphires. In all of these cases, their boyfriends put a lot of thought into picking something their fiancé would love and felt proud taking this next step.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No way would I marry someone who proposed without a ring. Especially if they knew it was important to me. This is a non-negotiable rite of passage for me and a totally baseline normal cultural expectation and anyone who doesn’t understand that is either too insecure about what he is offering, or has nothing to offer, or is withholding. They are seeing what they can get at the cheapest possible price and I value myself more than that.

I hate to say it, OP, but the only guy I know who is “pretty much engaged” but hasn’t bought a ring is very wish washy about the engagement and potential marriage and has had cold feet since the relationship got serious.

I have friends who have received big old diamonds, small antique rings, and even less traditional rings with other gems like sapphires. In all of these cases, their boyfriends put a lot of thought into picking something their fiancé would love and felt proud taking this next step.

This

It really depends on what they have discussed. I know some men are really anti materialistic and have trouble with the whole conformity of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No way would I marry someone who proposed without a ring. Especially if they knew it was important to me. This is a non-negotiable rite of passage for me and a totally baseline normal cultural expectation and anyone who doesn’t understand that is either too insecure about what he is offering, or has nothing to offer, or is withholding. They are seeing what they can get at the cheapest possible price and I value myself more than that.

I hate to say it, OP, but the only guy I know who is “pretty much engaged” but hasn’t bought a ring is very wish washy about the engagement and potential marriage and has had cold feet since the relationship got serious.

I have friends who have received big old diamonds, small antique rings, and even less traditional rings with other gems like sapphires. In all of these cases, their boyfriends put a lot of thought into picking something their fiancé would love and felt proud taking this next step.

This

+100. I know one of these guys, too. Apparently he and his girlfriend discussed marriage and agreed “they” want to get married but it is very clear he is avoiding the whole thing. I think he’s still with her because he isn’t sure he could do better and he feels some social pressure to get married and settle down but he would drop her in an instant if a pretty girl showed him interest. I wish she could see this and would dump him, she deserves someone who is excited to be with her.

[Anonymous]

OP and he is not reluctant. He is really pressuring me to get married. In answer to questions above he makes $75K right now, as do I. He could make about $10-20K more by working extra shifts, as I do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP and he is not reluctant. He is really pressuring me to get married. In answer to questions above he makes $75K right now, as do I. He could make about $10-20K more by working extra shifts, as I do.

And… what are you expecting him to spend on a ring?

[Anonymous]

OP, I have to echo everyone here who is saying this is a big red flag. Not that he is unable to spend a lot on a ring, but that he isn’t recognizing the importance to you, or interested in finding an alternative less-expensive ring that signifies what you mean to him so it meets both of your feelings about engagement rings. This right here is a HUGE indicator of what’s coming and don’t take it lightly. It doesn’t matter what the issue is about. He is pushing for something he wants yet refuses to do something that is important to you as part of it. His way or the Highway. Lots of big control issues here.

I know it’s incredibly tempting to feel like you’ve invested this much time, you shouldn’t consider moving on. But 10 years from now you will be here lamenting that you didn’t take your instincts into more account, because you’re in a marriage you need to get out of. Divorce costs, 50/50 kid custody and all. And if you have to divorce, this guy will be pushing hard against child support and/or spousal support. I didn’t get married until 35 and am incredibly glad I waited for the right man. And if I hadn’t found him, I would be happier than needing to divorce someone like he is showing you he will be.

[Anonymous]

^^ Adding that I don’t think there are any men out there jumping up and down excited to spend a chunk of money on a piece of jewelry they won’t wear. But they do it because it signifies something and is important to their partner.

[Anonymous]

^^ Also adding their are lots of fantastic looking civic zircon rings that only an expert could tell the difference between that and a real Diamond. And they look better than diamonds lower than top quality. For a fraction of the price. Another way you both can have the things important to you met.

[Anonymous]

(Damn auto correct)

[Anonymous]

I haven’t had a chance to read all the pages, so if this hasn’t been said….have a heart to heart explaining why a ring is important to you, and bring up less expensive alternatives like cubic zircon or other gemstones. If he still refuses to consider what is important to you, that is your indicator of this marriage and run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP and he is not reluctant. He is really pressuring me to get married. In answer to questions above he makes $75K right now, as do I. He could make about $10-20K more by working extra shifts, as I do.

You are not on the same page regarding finances. Marriage will not solve this OP. It will make it much harder- many divorces happen due to different opinions on finances. And making more money definitely won’t solve everything- the fundamental mismatch will still be there.

FWIW my DH and I had a much lower HHI than you ($80k combined) when we got married, and we did buy an engagement ring which was a stretch for us at the time although it cost less than $1k (10 years ago). So I don’t think your desire for a ring is foolish (although going into debt for it IS in my opinion). But there are so many red flags, I urge you to reconsider this relationship at least not until you both are in therapy and work out some of these fundamental differences.

In what job are you guaranteed to go from $75k to $500k in a few years? I am very curious about this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP and he is not reluctant. He is really pressuring me to get married. In answer to questions above he makes $75K right now, as do I. He could make about $10-20K more by working extra shifts, as I do.

It’s very concerning you feel he’s pressuring you. Do you not want to get married?

I think you would both benefit from counseling. The ring is the least of your worries, a lot of what you say is troubling. He’s pressuring you, you don’t feel empowered to ask about a ring or honeymoon, he doesn’t want a wedding. This is supposed to be a joyful time, and it sounds like it’s just causing you stress because he holds all the power and you feel powerless. That’s going to get much, much worse if he does end up making $500k. Trust me, BTDT. Better to figure these things out now, than years down the road after marriage and kids and a mortgage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have to echo everyone here who is saying this is a big red flag. Not that he is unable to spend a lot on a ring, but that he isn’t recognizing the importance to you, or interested in finding an alternative less-expensive ring that signifies what you mean to him so it meets both of your feelings about engagement rings. This right here is a HUGE indicator of what’s coming and don’t take it lightly. It doesn’t matter what the issue is about. He is pushing for something he wants yet refuses to do something that is important to you as part of it. His way or the Highway. Lots of big control issues here.

I know it’s incredibly tempting to feel like you’ve invested this much time, you shouldn’t consider moving on. But 10 years from now you will be here lamenting that you didn’t take your instincts into more account, because you’re in a marriage you need to get out of. Divorce costs, 50/50 kid custody and all. And if you have to divorce, this guy will be pushing hard against child support and/or spousal support. I didn’t get married until 35 and am incredibly glad I waited for the right man. And if I hadn’t found him, I would be happier than needing to divorce someone like he is showing you he will be.

+1 The issue is that he can afford a ring but doesn’t prioritize your wants. On $75k a year, with the potential for picking up extra shifts, if he truly cared, he could cut out some luxury expenses and work a couple extra shifts. Not too hard to save up for a modest ring in a couple months. (Don’t advise debt—bad idea). The fact that he is not doing this even though you want a ring is a red flag. And you mentioned he doesn’t even want to pay for a honeymoon and doesn’t sound grateful to your parents for a wedding (like he’s only having a wedding because you want it and someone else is paying for it). He doesn’t sound like he wants to spend anything for you. Only for himself.

Debt is not a good idea and you both should get pre-marital and financial counseling before you get engaged. Whether he makes $75k or 500k, his attitude right now won’t change. He doesn’t seem to think you’re worth much. Money is a symptom of a much larger problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have to echo everyone here who is saying this is a big red flag. Not that he is unable to spend a lot on a ring, but that he isn’t recognizing the importance to you, or interested in finding an alternative less-expensive ring that signifies what you mean to him so it meets both of your feelings about engagement rings. This right here is a HUGE indicator of what’s coming and don’t take it lightly. It doesn’t matter what the issue is about. He is pushing for something he wants yet refuses to do something that is important to you as part of it. His way or the Highway. Lots of big control issues here.

I know it’s incredibly tempting to feel like you’ve invested this much time, you shouldn’t consider moving on. But 10 years from now you will be here lamenting that you didn’t take your instincts into more account, because you’re in a marriage you need to get out of. Divorce costs, 50/50 kid custody and all. And if you have to divorce, this guy will be pushing hard against child support and/or spousal support. I didn’t get married until 35 and am incredibly glad I waited for the right man. And if I hadn’t found him, I would be happier than needing to divorce someone like he is showing you he will be.

+1 The issue is that he can afford a ring but doesn’t prioritize your wants. On $75k a year, with the potential for picking up extra shifts, if he truly cared, he could cut out some luxury expenses and work a couple extra shifts. Not too hard to save up for a modest ring in a couple months. (Don’t advise debt—bad idea). The fact that he is not doing this even though you want a ring is a red flag. And you mentioned he doesn’t even want to pay for a honeymoon and doesn’t sound grateful to your parents for a wedding (like he’s only having a wedding because you want it and someone else is paying for it). He doesn’t sound like he wants to spend anything for you. Only for himself.

Debt is not a good idea and you both should get pre-marital and financial counseling before you get engaged. Whether he makes $75k or 500k, his attitude right now won’t change. He doesn’t seem to think you’re worth much. Money is a symptom of a much larger problem.

Agree with all this.