Here's the thing I don't understand about husbands who don't help out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If my husband went grocery shopping and picked out the wrong things - oh well, we'd make it work.
If he cleaned the bathroom and did a bad job - my opinion only. No reason MY opinion determines everything.
If he said he was going to the grocery store and leaving the children at home - I'd say, "no, that doesn't work for me. You're taking them."

+1 This is where I fall. All the women trying to turn every single example into the line in the sand that would make them file for divorce are really talking about already shitty marriages that this is just the last straw for them. But in my otherwise pretty great marriage, if DH couldn't find the tahini, I'm not going to rap him on the knuckles and send him back to Safeway. It's more about the golden rule than anything else - if I messed up something mundane and unremarkable and he turned it into a "teachable moment" about how useless I was around the house, well . . . that would be my line in the sand where I started thinking about divorce.

People are bringing baggage to this thread and then calling it objective truth.

[Anonymous]

If my DH asked me to clean the bathroom and then walked me in afterwards pointing out where I missed spots, I would hand him the paper towels, say “have fun!” and never do it again. Who would talk to an adult like this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really wasn't the expert on these things when we were dating and first married. We were both a little clueless about it. We didn't cook much, and didn't really "grocery shop" the way that I do now. We cleaned some whenever people were coming over, but not other than that. I didn't see myself as being in a position to tell him if he got the right things at the grocery store or cleaned the bathroom correctly. WTF do I know?

None of this really mattered until we had children. When our oldest started crawling, walking, and eating normal food, my standards on what was acceptable changed. I could wear sandals and bathe in a dirty shower, but I wasn't going to bathe my baby in one. I could live without vacuuming for a month, but my baby was crawling all over the floors and putting his hands and every piece of dirt or lint in his mouth. DH and I could grab some food on our way home from work and eat in the car, but I wanted my toddler to have real food and family meals.

I started learning how to do all of these tasks and incorporate them into my life because I took on the bulk of the childcare (for all of the reasons that women normally do). DH didn't learn how to do them because he threw himself into work. We were probably 5 years into our marriage before I started feeling resentful that ALL of this was falling on me, and by that point it was really hard to change the dynamic.

I'm not trying to pick on you but I think the bolded is a key key key point and something everyone should really try to think about before having kids. Having childcare fall all on the mom IS a choice. I know it doesn't feel like one but it is. It is hard to force equality into that first year, but IMO it is one of the best things you can do for a marriage. Leave the baby with dad for hours and don't check in 15 times. Pump and if pumping doesn't work then supplement. I know this will set people off but I do not understand people that sacrifice their marriage for EBF. Early motherhood is uncomfortable, you learn to do all those things because you're in the moment and have to figure it out. Force your husband to go through that as well, even if it is uncomfortable for you (not you specifically pp just generally women) and it will pay dividends in the years to come.

What if when you leave DH alone with the baby, bad things happen? And no, not CPS level things, but bad things nonetheless, like:

-2 yo on the verge of being potty trained never gets reminded to go to the bathroom and has accidents in her pants, which are not addressed immediately so she sits in wet underwear

-1.5 yo who has been weaned off of bottles is given mutiple bottles full of milk Because that’s easier than preparing and making food or coming up with other ways to soothe baby

-baby and 2 yo literally spend 3-4 hours straight in front of the TV

-2 yo ends up, every single time, getting hurt. DH not hurting the kid, and not bad enough to go to ER, but I’m talking major wipe outs with multiple scrapes/bumps/bruises.

1) Make him clean up the accidents.
2) No big deal, no baby is drinking bottles at age 10 or 5 and if he's weaned off bottles already its not that big a deal. But also, if he's weaned off bottles have your husband move all bottles into storage and then they're not even there.
3) This would bother me if it was not a one off and I'd say it was not ok and it would turn into a large fight if he wouldn't come around but my response would not be to stop leaving the kids with him, it would be to keep leaving the kisd with him until he stopped or to leave him or go to marital counseling. It would be an ever present issue until we reached common ground.
4) My 2 yo constantly bumps himself, I think its a part of learning how to move your body, this I would consider a normal part of growing up unless they were egregious safety oversights like regularly falling off a high spot or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really wasn't the expert on these things when we were dating and first married. We were both a little clueless about it. We didn't cook much, and didn't really "grocery shop" the way that I do now. We cleaned some whenever people were coming over, but not other than that. I didn't see myself as being in a position to tell him if he got the right things at the grocery store or cleaned the bathroom correctly. WTF do I know?

None of this really mattered until we had children. When our oldest started crawling, walking, and eating normal food, my standards on what was acceptable changed. I could wear sandals and bathe in a dirty shower, but I wasn't going to bathe my baby in one. I could live without vacuuming for a month, but my baby was crawling all over the floors and putting his hands and every piece of dirt or lint in his mouth. DH and I could grab some food on our way home from work and eat in the car, but I wanted my toddler to have real food and family meals.

I started learning how to do all of these tasks and incorporate them into my life because I took on the bulk of the childcare (for all of the reasons that women normally do). DH didn't learn how to do them because he threw himself into work. We were probably 5 years into our marriage before I started feeling resentful that ALL of this was falling on me, and by that point it was really hard to change the dynamic.

I'm not trying to pick on you but I think the bolded is a key key key point and something everyone should really try to think about before having kids. Having childcare fall all on the mom IS a choice. I know it doesn't feel like one but it is. It is hard to force equality into that first year, but IMO it is one of the best things you can do for a marriage. Leave the baby with dad for hours and don't check in 15 times. Pump and if pumping doesn't work then supplement. I know this will set people off but I do not understand people that sacrifice their marriage for EBF. Early motherhood is uncomfortable, you learn to do all those things because you're in the moment and have to figure it out. Force your husband to go through that as well, even if it is uncomfortable for you (not you specifically pp just generally women) and it will pay dividends in the years to come.

You have no idea what women with different kinds of husbands go through. My husband was very involved with our first baby. With the second one, he just refused. He would not give the baby a bottle. He fell asleep when he was left alone with them. Everything I did made him angry. I didn't have the energy to fight this battle, while also having two small children and working full-time. This was not my unwillingness to be uncomfortable, it was his decision to check out of parenting. I made extremely clear to him this was not ok, but I was not prepared to leave him at that point. And when he did improve (with counseling playing a big role), that was ultimately his choice, not something I could have forced him into.

I should have more clearly stated that if, when you do this, your husband refuses to be uncomfortable and refuses to take that on, seriously consider ending the marriage or undergo serious counseling. My comment is not meant to excuse men who will not play ball, sorry if it read that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If my husband went grocery shopping and picked out the wrong things - oh well, we'd make it work.
If he cleaned the bathroom and did a bad job - my opinion only. No reason MY opinion determines everything.
If he said he was going to the grocery store and leaving the children at home - I'd say, "no, that doesn't work for me. You're taking them."

Sometimes things are objectively wrong. There is such a think as an objectively bad job at cleaning the bathroom.

This kind of relativism is absurd, and bad for society when it seeps into our general discourse. Not all opinions are valid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really wasn't the expert on these things when we were dating and first married. We were both a little clueless about it. We didn't cook much, and didn't really "grocery shop" the way that I do now. We cleaned some whenever people were coming over, but not other than that. I didn't see myself as being in a position to tell him if he got the right things at the grocery store or cleaned the bathroom correctly. WTF do I know?

None of this really mattered until we had children. When our oldest started crawling, walking, and eating normal food, my standards on what was acceptable changed. I could wear sandals and bathe in a dirty shower, but I wasn't going to bathe my baby in one. I could live without vacuuming for a month, but my baby was crawling all over the floors and putting his hands and every piece of dirt or lint in his mouth. DH and I could grab some food on our way home from work and eat in the car, but I wanted my toddler to have real food and family meals.

I started learning how to do all of these tasks and incorporate them into my life because I took on the bulk of the childcare (for all of the reasons that women normally do). DH didn't learn how to do them because he threw himself into work. We were probably 5 years into our marriage before I started feeling resentful that ALL of this was falling on me, and by that point it was really hard to change the dynamic.

I'm not trying to pick on you but I think the bolded is a key key key point and something everyone should really try to think about before having kids. Having childcare fall all on the mom IS a choice. I know it doesn't feel like one but it is. It is hard to force equality into that first year, but IMO it is one of the best things you can do for a marriage. Leave the baby with dad for hours and don't check in 15 times. Pump and if pumping doesn't work then supplement. I know this will set people off but I do not understand people that sacrifice their marriage for EBF. Early motherhood is uncomfortable, you learn to do all those things because you're in the moment and have to figure it out. Force your husband to go through that as well, even if it is uncomfortable for you (not you specifically pp just generally women) and it will pay dividends in the years to come.

What if when you leave DH alone with the baby, bad things happen? And no, not CPS level things, but bad things nonetheless, like:

-2 yo on the verge of being potty trained never gets reminded to go to the bathroom and has accidents in her pants, which are not addressed immediately so she sits in wet underwear

-1.5 yo who has been weaned off of bottles is given mutiple bottles full of milk Because that’s easier than preparing and making food or coming up with other ways to soothe baby

-baby and 2 yo literally spend 3-4 hours straight in front of the TV

-2 yo ends up, every single time, getting hurt. DH not hurting the kid, and not bad enough to go to ER, but I’m talking major wipe outs with multiple scrapes/bumps/bruises.

1) Make him clean up the accidents.
2) No big deal, no baby is drinking bottles at age 10 or 5 and if he's weaned off bottles already its not that big a deal. But also, if he's weaned off bottles have your husband move all bottles into storage and then they're not even there.
3) This would bother me if it was not a one off and I'd say it was not ok and it would turn into a large fight if he wouldn't come around but my response would not be to stop leaving the kids with him, it would be to keep leaving the kisd with him until he stopped or to leave him or go to marital counseling. It would be an ever present issue until we reached common ground.
4) My 2 yo constantly bumps himself, I think its a part of learning how to move your body, this I would consider a normal part of growing up unless they were egregious safety oversights like regularly falling off a high spot or something.

I'll also add to this that all of these examples are implying that he wasn't involved year one. They need to be involved and depended on from DAY 1 not day 366 or day 731. If the ship has sailed on that then it will be a difficult and rough transition likely for everyone involved but its still worth forcing. Kids will be fine, none of those things is going to permanently damage a kid, you just need to work through the middle part where he probably yes, won't totally know what he's doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my husband went grocery shopping and picked out the wrong things - oh well, we'd make it work.
If he cleaned the bathroom and did a bad job - my opinion only. No reason MY opinion determines everything.
If he said he was going to the grocery store and leaving the children at home - I'd say, "no, that doesn't work for me. You're taking them."

+1 This is where I fall. All the women trying to turn every single example into the line in the sand that would make them file for divorce are really talking about already shitty marriages that this is just the last straw for them. But in my otherwise pretty great marriage, if DH couldn't find the tahini, I'm not going to rap him on the knuckles and send him back to Safeway. It's more about the golden rule than anything else - if I messed up something mundane and unremarkable and he turned it into a "teachable moment" about how useless I was around the house, well . . . that would be my line in the sand where I started thinking about divorce.

People are bringing baggage to this thread and then calling it objective truth.

You're so great, but you can't even read the OP (which concerns DH's who have issues much deeper than "not being able to find the tahini" every so often.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If my DH asked me to clean the bathroom and then walked me in afterwards pointing out where I missed spots, I would hand him the paper towels, say “have fun!” and never do it again. Who would talk to an adult like this?

Imagine if the "adult" left all the poop stains in the toilet and completely forgot the sink bowl altogether. What would you say?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my husband went grocery shopping and picked out the wrong things - oh well, we'd make it work.
If he cleaned the bathroom and did a bad job - my opinion only. No reason MY opinion determines everything.
If he said he was going to the grocery store and leaving the children at home - I'd say, "no, that doesn't work for me. You're taking them."

Sometimes things are objectively wrong. There is such a think as an objectively bad job at cleaning the bathroom.

This kind of relativism is absurd, and bad for society when it seeps into our general discourse. Not all opinions are valid.

DP this is true but I have heard from many MANY women who complain to me about their husband not doing something right and they seem nuts to me ie, having to refold towels he folds. Remake a dinner that the kids didn't like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my husband went grocery shopping and picked out the wrong things - oh well, we'd make it work.
If he cleaned the bathroom and did a bad job - my opinion only. No reason MY opinion determines everything.
If he said he was going to the grocery store and leaving the children at home - I'd say, "no, that doesn't work for me. You're taking them."

+1 This is where I fall. All the women trying to turn every single example into the line in the sand that would make them file for divorce are really talking about already shitty marriages that this is just the last straw for them. But in my otherwise pretty great marriage, if DH couldn't find the tahini, I'm not going to rap him on the knuckles and send him back to Safeway. It's more about the golden rule than anything else - if I messed up something mundane and unremarkable and he turned it into a "teachable moment" about how useless I was around the house, well . . . that would be my line in the sand where I started thinking about divorce.

People are bringing baggage to this thread and then calling it objective truth.

You're so great, but you can't even read the OP (which concerns DH's who have issues much deeper than "not being able to find the tahini" every so often.)

This thread has drifted far, far from the OP. I'm responding to the thread, as I state pretty clearly. Good reading.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really wasn't the expert on these things when we were dating and first married. We were both a little clueless about it. We didn't cook much, and didn't really "grocery shop" the way that I do now. We cleaned some whenever people were coming over, but not other than that. I didn't see myself as being in a position to tell him if he got the right things at the grocery store or cleaned the bathroom correctly. WTF do I know?

None of this really mattered until we had children. When our oldest started crawling, walking, and eating normal food, my standards on what was acceptable changed. I could wear sandals and bathe in a dirty shower, but I wasn't going to bathe my baby in one. I could live without vacuuming for a month, but my baby was crawling all over the floors and putting his hands and every piece of dirt or lint in his mouth. DH and I could grab some food on our way home from work and eat in the car, but I wanted my toddler to have real food and family meals.

I started learning how to do all of these tasks and incorporate them into my life because I took on the bulk of the childcare (for all of the reasons that women normally do). DH didn't learn how to do them because he threw himself into work. We were probably 5 years into our marriage before I started feeling resentful that ALL of this was falling on me, and by that point it was really hard to change the dynamic.

I'm not trying to pick on you but I think the bolded is a key key key point and something everyone should really try to think about before having kids. Having childcare fall all on the mom IS a choice. I know it doesn't feel like one but it is. It is hard to force equality into that first year, but IMO it is one of the best things you can do for a marriage. Leave the baby with dad for hours and don't check in 15 times. Pump and if pumping doesn't work then supplement. I know this will set people off but I do not understand people that sacrifice their marriage for EBF. Early motherhood is uncomfortable, you learn to do all those things because you're in the moment and have to figure it out. Force your husband to go through that as well, even if it is uncomfortable for you (not you specifically pp just generally women) and it will pay dividends in the years to come.

What if when you leave DH alone with the baby, bad things happen? And no, not CPS level things, but bad things nonetheless, like:

-2 yo on the verge of being potty trained never gets reminded to go to the bathroom and has accidents in her pants, which are not addressed immediately so she sits in wet underwear

-1.5 yo who has been weaned off of bottles is given mutiple bottles full of milk Because that’s easier than preparing and making food or coming up with other ways to soothe baby

-baby and 2 yo literally spend 3-4 hours straight in front of the TV

-2 yo ends up, every single time, getting hurt. DH not hurting the kid, and not bad enough to go to ER, but I’m talking major wipe outs with multiple scrapes/bumps/bruises.

1) Make him clean up the accidents.
2) No big deal, no baby is drinking bottles at age 10 or 5 and if he's weaned off bottles already its not that big a deal. But also, if he's weaned off bottles have your husband move all bottles into storage and then they're not even there.
3) This would bother me if it was not a one off and I'd say it was not ok and it would turn into a large fight if he wouldn't come around but my response would not be to stop leaving the kids with him, it would be to keep leaving the kisd with him until he stopped or to leave him or go to marital counseling. It would be an ever present issue until we reached common ground.
4) My 2 yo constantly bumps himself, I think its a part of learning how to move your body, this I would consider a normal part of growing up unless they were egregious safety oversights like regularly falling off a high spot or something.

See here's what you're not getting with men like this. There's no "make them" do anything. It would go like this in my household:

I arrive home and see that 2 year old is sitting in wet, cold, smelly underwear on the couch and has obviously been like that for hours.

Me (probably looking/sounding upset): "DH, why is Larla sitting in her wet underwear? Could you please change her?"
DH: "Why are you always nagging me?"
Me: Could you please just change her while I put the groceries away? It smells and she gets rashes.
DH: You're crazy. Why do you always get so mad? (Walks away.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really wasn't the expert on these things when we were dating and first married. We were both a little clueless about it. We didn't cook much, and didn't really "grocery shop" the way that I do now. We cleaned some whenever people were coming over, but not other than that. I didn't see myself as being in a position to tell him if he got the right things at the grocery store or cleaned the bathroom correctly. WTF do I know?

None of this really mattered until we had children. When our oldest started crawling, walking, and eating normal food, my standards on what was acceptable changed. I could wear sandals and bathe in a dirty shower, but I wasn't going to bathe my baby in one. I could live without vacuuming for a month, but my baby was crawling all over the floors and putting his hands and every piece of dirt or lint in his mouth. DH and I could grab some food on our way home from work and eat in the car, but I wanted my toddler to have real food and family meals.

I started learning how to do all of these tasks and incorporate them into my life because I took on the bulk of the childcare (for all of the reasons that women normally do). DH didn't learn how to do them because he threw himself into work. We were probably 5 years into our marriage before I started feeling resentful that ALL of this was falling on me, and by that point it was really hard to change the dynamic.

I'm not trying to pick on you but I think the bolded is a key key key point and something everyone should really try to think about before having kids. Having childcare fall all on the mom IS a choice. I know it doesn't feel like one but it is. It is hard to force equality into that first year, but IMO it is one of the best things you can do for a marriage. Leave the baby with dad for hours and don't check in 15 times. Pump and if pumping doesn't work then supplement. I know this will set people off but I do not understand people that sacrifice their marriage for EBF. Early motherhood is uncomfortable, you learn to do all those things because you're in the moment and have to figure it out. Force your husband to go through that as well, even if it is uncomfortable for you (not you specifically pp just generally women) and it will pay dividends in the years to come.

What if when you leave DH alone with the baby, bad things happen? And no, not CPS level things, but bad things nonetheless, like:

-2 yo on the verge of being potty trained never gets reminded to go to the bathroom and has accidents in her pants, which are not addressed immediately so she sits in wet underwear

-1.5 yo who has been weaned off of bottles is given mutiple bottles full of milk Because that’s easier than preparing and making food or coming up with other ways to soothe baby

-baby and 2 yo literally spend 3-4 hours straight in front of the TV

-2 yo ends up, every single time, getting hurt. DH not hurting the kid, and not bad enough to go to ER, but I’m talking major wipe outs with multiple scrapes/bumps/bruises.

1) Make him clean up the accidents.
2) No big deal, no baby is drinking bottles at age 10 or 5 and if he's weaned off bottles already its not that big a deal. But also, if he's weaned off bottles have your husband move all bottles into storage and then they're not even there.
3) This would bother me if it was not a one off and I'd say it was not ok and it would turn into a large fight if he wouldn't come around but my response would not be to stop leaving the kids with him, it would be to keep leaving the kisd with him until he stopped or to leave him or go to marital counseling. It would be an ever present issue until we reached common ground.
4) My 2 yo constantly bumps himself, I think its a part of learning how to move your body, this I would consider a normal part of growing up unless they were egregious safety oversights like regularly falling off a high spot or something.

See here's what you're not getting with men like this. There's no "make them" do anything. It would go like this in my household:

I arrive home and see that 2 year old is sitting in wet, cold, smelly underwear on the couch and has obviously been like that for hours.

Me (probably looking/sounding upset): "DH, why is Larla sitting in her wet underwear? Could you please change her?"
DH: "Why are you always nagging me?"
Me: Could you please just change her while I put the groceries away? It smells and she gets rashes.
DH: You're crazy. Why do you always get so mad? (Walks away.)

Exactly this. The mess and cleaning it up is not the issue. The issue is that it’s unacceptable for my child to sit in soiled underwear for hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my DH asked me to clean the bathroom and then walked me in afterwards pointing out where I missed spots, I would hand him the paper towels, say “have fun!” and never do it again. Who would talk to an adult like this?

Imagine if the "adult" left all the poop stains in the toilet and completely forgot the sink bowl altogether. What would you say?

And then also expects to be thanked/appreciated for “helping” by cleaning the bathroom!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my husband went grocery shopping and picked out the wrong things - oh well, we'd make it work.
If he cleaned the bathroom and did a bad job - my opinion only. No reason MY opinion determines everything.
If he said he was going to the grocery store and leaving the children at home - I'd say, "no, that doesn't work for me. You're taking them."

Sometimes things are objectively wrong. There is such a think as an objectively bad job at cleaning the bathroom.

This kind of relativism is absurd, and bad for society when it seeps into our general discourse. Not all opinions are valid.

DP this is true but I have heard from many MANY women who complain to me about their husband not doing something right and they seem nuts to me ie, having to refold towels he folds. Remake a dinner that the kids didn't like.

Not folding the towels the correct way isn't an objectively bad job, obviously. But "cleaning" something that is still dirty after the "cleaning" is finished? That's incomplete, and needs to be fixed.

This really needn't be that difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really wasn't the expert on these things when we were dating and first married. We were both a little clueless about it. We didn't cook much, and didn't really "grocery shop" the way that I do now. We cleaned some whenever people were coming over, but not other than that. I didn't see myself as being in a position to tell him if he got the right things at the grocery store or cleaned the bathroom correctly. WTF do I know?

None of this really mattered until we had children. When our oldest started crawling, walking, and eating normal food, my standards on what was acceptable changed. I could wear sandals and bathe in a dirty shower, but I wasn't going to bathe my baby in one. I could live without vacuuming for a month, but my baby was crawling all over the floors and putting his hands and every piece of dirt or lint in his mouth. DH and I could grab some food on our way home from work and eat in the car, but I wanted my toddler to have real food and family meals.

I started learning how to do all of these tasks and incorporate them into my life because I took on the bulk of the childcare (for all of the reasons that women normally do). DH didn't learn how to do them because he threw himself into work. We were probably 5 years into our marriage before I started feeling resentful that ALL of this was falling on me, and by that point it was really hard to change the dynamic.

I'm not trying to pick on you but I think the bolded is a key key key point and something everyone should really try to think about before having kids. Having childcare fall all on the mom IS a choice. I know it doesn't feel like one but it is. It is hard to force equality into that first year, but IMO it is one of the best things you can do for a marriage. Leave the baby with dad for hours and don't check in 15 times. Pump and if pumping doesn't work then supplement. I know this will set people off but I do not understand people that sacrifice their marriage for EBF. Early motherhood is uncomfortable, you learn to do all those things because you're in the moment and have to figure it out. Force your husband to go through that as well, even if it is uncomfortable for you (not you specifically pp just generally women) and it will pay dividends in the years to come.

What if when you leave DH alone with the baby, bad things happen? And no, not CPS level things, but bad things nonetheless, like:

-2 yo on the verge of being potty trained never gets reminded to go to the bathroom and has accidents in her pants, which are not addressed immediately so she sits in wet underwear

-1.5 yo who has been weaned off of bottles is given mutiple bottles full of milk Because that’s easier than preparing and making food or coming up with other ways to soothe baby

-baby and 2 yo literally spend 3-4 hours straight in front of the TV

-2 yo ends up, every single time, getting hurt. DH not hurting the kid, and not bad enough to go to ER, but I’m talking major wipe outs with multiple scrapes/bumps/bruises.

1) Make him clean up the accidents.
2) No big deal, no baby is drinking bottles at age 10 or 5 and if he's weaned off bottles already its not that big a deal. But also, if he's weaned off bottles have your husband move all bottles into storage and then they're not even there.
3) This would bother me if it was not a one off and I'd say it was not ok and it would turn into a large fight if he wouldn't come around but my response would not be to stop leaving the kids with him, it would be to keep leaving the kisd with him until he stopped or to leave him or go to marital counseling. It would be an ever present issue until we reached common ground.
4) My 2 yo constantly bumps himself, I think its a part of learning how to move your body, this I would consider a normal part of growing up unless they were egregious safety oversights like regularly falling off a high spot or something.

See here's what you're not getting with men like this. There's no "make them" do anything. It would go like this in my household:

I arrive home and see that 2 year old is sitting in wet, cold, smelly underwear on the couch and has obviously been like that for hours.

Me (probably looking/sounding upset): "DH, why is Larla sitting in her wet underwear? Could you please change her?"
DH: "Why are you always nagging me?"
Me: Could you please just change her while I put the groceries away? It smells and she gets rashes.
DH: You're crazy. Why do you always get so mad? (Walks away.)

I guess I'm not getting it because I cannot imagine a world where that is the end of the conversation in my house. That would result in a two hour long discussion after the kids had gone to bed about the importance of being observant with the kids and, much more importantly, the importance of talking to me with respect in front of the kids and the gross violation of calling me crazy.

The exchange you describe above would result in an enormous fight in my house. And if nothing changed after enough of those I really would leave. I would absolutely not be spoken to like that.