Here's the thing I don't understand about husbands who don't help out

[Anonymous]

No, I don’t mother my husband. Sometimes I lower my expectations. Sometimes our house is messy or we have weeds in our garden or birthday gifts aren’t sent to his family or meals aren’t made because he hasn’t done it. I’d rather use that time doing something I like rather than badgering him or doing it all myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my DH asked me to clean the bathroom and then walked me in afterwards pointing out where I missed spots, I would hand him the paper towels, say “have fun!” and never do it again. Who would talk to an adult like this?

+1

I was just get ready to post exactly this. Send him back to store because he didn’t get exactly the right thing? WTF

How’d you like to live with someone who half @$$es everything? Washes the dishes but leaves dirty ones on the table and counter because, you know, didn’t see them. Agreed to take the garbage out but, you know, just waiting for the next day and the next. Said he’s clean his basement toilet as the kids keep playing there but hey, sprayed some Lysol but who cares about all the pubes and pee drips? Said he’d finally paint the one bedroom but hey, who cares about drips all on the carpet, edging and ceiling, he did it! Said he’d take care of the kids in the morning when you work until 11pm but hey, they didn’t want to brush their teeth, eat their breakfast or get dressed.

Would you 24/7 fix and redo his messes? He’s already doing only 2-3% of what needs to get done weekly. Tell him to fix them himself? Or kick him to the curb?

If this was your daughter’s life and she asked you for advice, what would you tell her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do not understand why some people are opposed to train DH.

If you have gone through threads on this forum two common problems emerge again and again

1. Men complain about not getting enough sex
2. Women complain that DH does not help with chores and children

How can anyone not see the connection? It just boggles my mind.

DH and I assume most men care a lot, really really lot about the frequency of sex. That is massively important to him.

I made it clear in words and actions that all the household work, taking care of children tires me out and that is the biggest hindrance to a greater frequency of sex. Making it clear means you need to train DH.

Now DH does, I would guess about 60-70% of all the household chores and taking care of children. In return, we have 3-4x a week of sex. It is something that really works for both of us.

I suspect it would work for a lot of couples as well.

We did not sit and write out a contract with witnesses regarding this. It is sometimes subtle and sometimes not so subtle indications. It might take a 1-2 years. This is what I mean by train your DH.

I like dogs.

But one time I had one that just couldn’t or wouldn’t get trained. He’d bite and $hit all over the house. But I love dogs, so I kept him, in only one room of the house. It was a mess, he just would not learn like the other dogs. That room was ruined with pee and krap. Every once in awhile I’d pick it up. After two years I got rid of that dog, it couldn’t be housetrained.

That’s what some of you ladies are dealing with. A guy who won’t ever be house trained and will just keep krapping on everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All the people saying they would never send a spouse back to the store are missing the point. We are not talking about getting 1% instead of 2% milk. We are talking about men who would go to the store to shop for the whole family and forget 50% of the items needed for anyone other than him. So no milk for the kids, no bread for sandwiches, no lettuce for wife’s daily salad, but lots of his favorite kind of pretzels and plenty of beer. If you said you would do the weekly grocery shopping and you don’t get some version of the staples required for the family to function for a week, then you have not successfully done the weekly grocery shopping. Because someone else is going to have to redo the chore and get the needed food.

Likewise with bathrooms we are not talking about “they cleaned everything but there’s water-spots on the shower door!” We are talking about “he wiped down the tub, toilet seat and counter with the same wet rag, in that order, with no actual cleaners involved.” There is in fact a baseline of acceptable cleanliness where you should be sanitizing high-touch surfaces with some sort of cleaning supply and scrubbing the sh!t-stains from inside the toilet bowl. If you don’t do that, then someone else will need to clean the tub properly so that the kids can safely take baths in a clean tub, and sanitize the counters and handles so that people can wash their hands and end up with clean hands.

You say that now, but I am a PP who said upthread that bringing home 18/20 things on the grocery list wasn't a big deal to me and was informed that my DH is "pathetic" and they can't fathom how I could continue to f*ck him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All the people saying they would never send a spouse back to the store are missing the point. We are not talking about getting 1% instead of 2% milk. We are talking about men who would go to the store to shop for the whole family and forget 50% of the items needed for anyone other than him. So no milk for the kids, no bread for sandwiches, no lettuce for wife’s daily salad, but lots of his favorite kind of pretzels and plenty of beer. If you said you would do the weekly grocery shopping and you don’t get some version of the staples required for the family to function for a week, then you have not successfully done the weekly grocery shopping. Because someone else is going to have to redo the chore and get the needed food.

Likewise with bathrooms we are not talking about “they cleaned everything but there’s water-spots on the shower door!” We are talking about “he wiped down the tub, toilet seat and counter with the same wet rag, in that order, with no actual cleaners involved.” There is in fact a baseline of acceptable cleanliness where you should be sanitizing high-touch surfaces with some sort of cleaning supply and scrubbing the sh!t-stains from inside the toilet bowl. If you don’t do that, then someone else will need to clean the tub properly so that the kids can safely take baths in a clean tub, and sanitize the counters and handles so that people can wash their hands and end up with clean hands.

You say that now, but I am a PP who said upthread that bringing home 18/20 things on the grocery list wasn't a big deal to me and was informed that my DH is "pathetic" and they can't fathom how I could continue to f*ck him.

If you can't understand that everyone on DCUM is responding with a crap load of their own baggage and you shouldn't take everything people say as gospel then you should really find a new stomping ground.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All the people saying they would never send a spouse back to the store are missing the point. We are not talking about getting 1% instead of 2% milk. We are talking about men who would go to the store to shop for the whole family and forget 50% of the items needed for anyone other than him. So no milk for the kids, no bread for sandwiches, no lettuce for wife’s daily salad, but lots of his favorite kind of pretzels and plenty of beer. If you said you would do the weekly grocery shopping and you don’t get some version of the staples required for the family to function for a week, then you have not successfully done the weekly grocery shopping. Because someone else is going to have to redo the chore and get the needed food.

Likewise with bathrooms we are not talking about “they cleaned everything but there’s water-spots on the shower door!” We are talking about “he wiped down the tub, toilet seat and counter with the same wet rag, in that order, with no actual cleaners involved.” There is in fact a baseline of acceptable cleanliness where you should be sanitizing high-touch surfaces with some sort of cleaning supply and scrubbing the sh!t-stains from inside the toilet bowl. If you don’t do that, then someone else will need to clean the tub properly so that the kids can safely take baths in a clean tub, and sanitize the counters and handles so that people can wash their hands and end up with clean hands.

You say that now, but I am a PP who said upthread that bringing home 18/20 things on the grocery list wasn't a big deal to me and was informed that my DH is "pathetic" and they can't fathom how I could continue to f*ck him.

If you can't understand that everyone on DCUM is responding with a crap load of their own baggage and you shouldn't take everything people say as gospel then you should really find a new stomping ground.

LOL. I'm not taking anything as gospel; this thread is filled with genuinely miserable people. I'm just saying you can't expect to reframe the entire discussion on page twenty-something with "nobody is saying [exactly what people have been saying in the thread, in fact]" and expect your rewrite to go unnoticed.

[Anonymous]

Id leave but I cant afford to provide space for myself and my son and dog. Im waiting until my student loans are done, my dog has passed and my son no longer requires daycare. The latter two will happen in 3 years, the first may be 5 more but itll be more manageable. Over that time, I expect a 10-15k raise and our house will sell. Even if we only break even after all the fees and our DPA loan then I will be happy.

He can take care of his mother on his own and get a real 50/50 parenting split via custody arrangement. I wont have to hear complaints about our food budget even though he eats 1/2 of every meal. I wont have hair from his shaving all over the toilet. I wont have dirty clothes laying around making the house smell or socks in every room of the house. Ill be able to take a vacation- havent had one of those in 8 years, but he manages- in the past year- to attend 2 bachelor parties and 2 weddings, even though we cant afford it.

[Anonymous]

Sad, and your DS will suffer

[Anonymous]

Not going to read what I'm sure is 16 pages of incredibly thoughtful responses to this post around sharing the load and marital dynamics, but your title is misleading. You don't misunderstand husbands who don't help out. You misunderstand why women aren't "training" their husbands like dogs. It's the women you don't understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Id leave but I cant afford to provide space for myself and my son and dog. Im waiting until my student loans are done, my dog has passed and my son no longer requires daycare. The latter two will happen in 3 years, the first may be 5 more but itll be more manageable. Over that time, I expect a 10-15k raise and our house will sell. Even if we only break even after all the fees and our DPA loan then I will be happy.

He can take care of his mother on his own and get a real 50/50 parenting split via custody arrangement. I wont have to hear complaints about our food budget even though he eats 1/2 of every meal. I wont have hair from his shaving all over the toilet. I wont have dirty clothes laying around making the house smell or socks in every room of the house. Ill be able to take a vacation- havent had one of those in 8 years, but he manages- in the past year- to attend 2 bachelor parties and 2 weddings, even though we cant afford it.

Don’t wait another 3 — 5 years to go on vacation! Come on. Go on vacation. Buy yourself nice clothes. Eat good food. Etc. And definitely make extra payments on your loans. $100 here and there goes a long way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not understand why some people are opposed to train DH.

If you have gone through threads on this forum two common problems emerge again and again

1. Men complain about not getting enough sex
2. Women complain that DH does not help with chores and children

How can anyone not see the connection? It just boggles my mind.

DH and I assume most men care a lot, really really lot about the frequency of sex. That is massively important to him.

I made it clear in words and actions that all the household work, taking care of children tires me out and that is the biggest hindrance to a greater frequency of sex. Making it clear means you need to train DH.

Now DH does, I would guess about 60-70% of all the household chores and taking care of children. In return, we have 3-4x a week of sex. It is something that really works for both of us.

I suspect it would work for a lot of couples as well.

We did not sit and write out a contract with witnesses regarding this. It is sometimes subtle and sometimes not so subtle indications. It might take a 1-2 years. This is what I mean by train your DH.

I like dogs.

But one time I had one that just couldn’t or wouldn’t get trained. He’d bite and $hit all over the house. But I love dogs, so I kept him, in only one room of the house. It was a mess, he just would not learn like the other dogs. That room was ruined with pee and krap. Every once in awhile I’d pick it up. After two years I got rid of that dog, it couldn’t be housetrained.

That’s what some of you ladies are dealing with. A guy who won’t ever be house trained and will just keep krapping on everything.

+1 cut bait or leave him in the poop room forever.

[Anonymous]

Mine waa trained to half ass things by his mother. He learned well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do not understand why some people are opposed to train DH.

If you have gone through threads on this forum two common problems emerge again and again

1. Men complain about not getting enough sex
2. Women complain that DH does not help with chores and children

How can anyone not see the connection? It just boggles my mind.

DH and I assume most men care a lot, really really lot about the frequency of sex. That is massively important to him.

I made it clear in words and actions that all the household work, taking care of children tires me out and that is the biggest hindrance to a greater frequency of sex. Making it clear means you need to train DH.

Now DH does, I would guess about 60-70% of all the household chores and taking care of children. In return, we have 3-4x a week of sex. It is something that really works for both of us.

I suspect it would work for a lot of couples as well.

We did not sit and write out a contract with witnesses regarding this. It is sometimes subtle and sometimes not so subtle indications. It might take a 1-2 years. This is what I mean by train your DH.

DH on the other side of this. I do 60-70% of the house / parenting / breadwinning work. I want sex daily. I get sex monthly. Anymore, and I’m “being pushy”. Any sex I do get requires an alignment of the planets and lots of active foreplay on my part.

How do I “train” my DW like you all have trained your DH’s?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not understand why some people are opposed to train DH.

If you have gone through threads on this forum two common problems emerge again and again

1. Men complain about not getting enough sex
2. Women complain that DH does not help with chores and children

How can anyone not see the connection? It just boggles my mind.

DH and I assume most men care a lot, really really lot about the frequency of sex. That is massively important to him.

I made it clear in words and actions that all the household work, taking care of children tires me out and that is the biggest hindrance to a greater frequency of sex. Making it clear means you need to train DH.

Now DH does, I would guess about 60-70% of all the household chores and taking care of children. In return, we have 3-4x a week of sex. It is something that really works for both of us.

I suspect it would work for a lot of couples as well.

We did not sit and write out a contract with witnesses regarding this. It is sometimes subtle and sometimes not so subtle indications. It might take a 1-2 years. This is what I mean by train your DH.

DH on the other side of this. I do 60-70% of the house / parenting / breadwinning work. I want sex daily. I get sex monthly. Anymore, and I’m “being pushy”. Any sex I do get requires an alignment of the planets and lots of active foreplay on my part.

How do I “train” my DW like you all have trained your DH’s?

Treat hear EXACTLY as if you are on data with a girl that you are trying to get into bed. Tell her how pretty she is, you can never overdo it. Treat her like a goddess where you are just trying to steal a kiss every now and then. And keep doing what you are doing above.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not understand why some people are opposed to train DH.

If you have gone through threads on this forum two common problems emerge again and again

1. Men complain about not getting enough sex
2. Women complain that DH does not help with chores and children

How can anyone not see the connection? It just boggles my mind.

DH and I assume most men care a lot, really really lot about the frequency of sex. That is massively important to him.

I made it clear in words and actions that all the household work, taking care of children tires me out and that is the biggest hindrance to a greater frequency of sex. Making it clear means you need to train DH.

Now DH does, I would guess about 60-70% of all the household chores and taking care of children. In return, we have 3-4x a week of sex. It is something that really works for both of us.

I suspect it would work for a lot of couples as well.

We did not sit and write out a contract with witnesses regarding this. It is sometimes subtle and sometimes not so subtle indications. It might take a 1-2 years. This is what I mean by train your DH.

DH on the other side of this. I do 60-70% of the house / parenting / breadwinning work. I want sex daily. I get sex monthly. Anymore, and I’m “being pushy”. Any sex I do get requires an alignment of the planets and lots of active foreplay on my part.

How do I “train” my DW like you all have trained your DH’s?

Make a list of what needs to be done in the house every day. If you do more than 70% of it without being asked, then you get sex tokens that can be exchanged for various sex acts (provided it’s not a blackout date) .

https://m.youtube.com/watch?index=19&list=FLzM8SNqfbwIL-kZ9xU7hUkQ&t=0s&v=SfHjTSagIi4