Do you regret your adoption?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone who would pose such a question is a troll plain and simple? What is your objective? To prove that one kind of love is greater than another? And for those who say you can only understand if you have a bio kid, understand that you also can't understand adoption until you've been there.

but really ... why ask such a question anyway? Foster care is overcome with (mostly bio) kids who have been abandoned ... why not try to help someone who needs it ... and spread the love around?




i

How is OP a troll when several people on this thread said they DO regret their adoption?

[Anonymous]

I think there is a difference between saying you regret adopting a third child because your family has too much stress ... vs. saying you regret adopting because you don't love your adopted child. people regret having all kinds of kids for all kinds of reasons. I didn't see a lot of evidence of being unable to love an adopted kid ... quite the contrary. but there are those who are hell bent on proving such things

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The baby is supposed to cure the adoptive parents of the trauma of infertility - impossible
The newborn misses its own mother - it is called the primal wound. The baby knows it is with a caretaker it does not know.
Adoptive parents are jealous of the bio parents, the kid is made to feel guilty, when it wants to search the parents are against it. This results in some cases even in blackmail. i.e. They did not want you, we raised you
Sometimes society is negative toward adoption. You stay as the adopted cousin

You are really, really messed up in the head, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The baby is supposed to cure the adoptive parents of the trauma of infertility - impossible
The newborn misses its own mother - it is called the primal wound. The baby knows it is with a caretaker it does not know.
Adoptive parents are jealous of the bio parents, the kid is made to feel guilty, when it wants to search the parents are against it. This results in some cases even in blackmail. i.e. They did not want you, we raised you
Sometimes society is negative toward adoption. You stay as the adopted cousin

Herr Freud?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had no issues bonding with our son who joined our family through adoption - he is the love and joy of our lives - everyone is different - if anyone is worried or thinks they will feel differently, don't adopt... I can't imagine a different child if I were to picture one I gave birth to - my child is my child. You aren't genetically related to your husband - do you love him any less? Maybe you should regret getting married - technically it is the same process - need court/legal approval..and then you become a couple.

Great post! I am an adoptive mom of a baby girl, and she is the best part of my life! I am beyond blessed, and still cannot believe she is mine. I truly could not love her more-even if she were biologically from me and I carried her for 9 months. I have felt this way from day 1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the the biological love is not there and if it turns out to be bad that is something hard to over come. Conditional love only happens in biological children. Bring on the responses but if you do not have a biological child you will not understand.

Likewise, if you do not have an adoptive child, you will not understand the pure love we experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the the biological love is not there and if it turns out to be bad that is something hard to over come. Conditional love only happens in biological children. Bring on the responses but if you do not have a biological child you will not understand.

PP here again. I think you are looking for the word "unconditional."

[Anonymous]

I have regrets but most problems I have could be solved with money

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the the biological love is not there and if it turns out to be bad that is something hard to over come. Conditional love only happens in biological children. Bring on the responses but if you do not have a biological child you will not understand.

I'm going to take the time to enlighten you a little. I have three biological children. I also have two stepchildren. We got custody of my stepkids when they were 3 and 5. They live with us full time. Their mother sees them (maybe) about once or twice a year. She is their biological "mother", but I am MOM!

I remember the first time I saw my stepchildren. You know that feeling you get when you hold your newborn for the first time? That's exactly how I felt. Completely overcome with emotion and completely in love. I could not possibly love those children any more than I do. They did not come out of my body like my biological children did. But I absolutely do love them unconditionally. There are plenty of biological mothers who do not love their children unconditionally - My stepkids' mother is a great example. A cat is a better mother. Biology does not always mean unconditional love.

Even people who know me really well probably could not tell you which children came out of my body and which children I inherited. They are all my children and the way they came into my life has absolutely nothing to do with my love for them.

So...you said "bring on the responses" - Well I DO have biological children. And contrary to your ignorant statement, I can tell you with 100% certainty that unconditional love has nothing to do with biology.

This is not really the same situation. Your step kids are bio to your husband and bio to your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think there is a difference between saying you regret adopting a third child because your family has too much stress ... vs. saying you regret adopting because you don't love your adopted child. people regret having all kinds of kids for all kinds of reasons. I didn't see a lot of evidence of being unable to love an adopted kid ... quite the contrary. but there are those who are hell bent on proving such things

Thanks, PP, for understanding what I was saying. There are teen moms, for example, who wish they had waited, but don't regret having their children. Similar situation with us and our three kids. Why the distinction is so hard for some to understand is beyond me.

[Anonymous]

I was adopted by people who, for reasons I still don't totally understand, rejected me. I love them, I've known no other parents but them, and unfortunately, their rejection holds the ability to hurt me for the rest of my life. I remember feeling loved for a few short years, maybe until I was 5 or so. For the remainder of my childhood, I had no conscious understanding of being rejected. In hindsight, it was clear I was not what they wanted or expected, and that my adoptive mother, in particular, resented everything that had to do with me and the other child she adopted a few years before me—my sibling by adoption, but not by blood.

By age 10, I became despondent and suicidal. The first 10 years of my life, I was the model child: intelligent, well-behaved, talented, easy going, academically gifted. The next 7 years I spent validating my mother's dislike of me. And ultimately, I internalized her view, believing I was broken, ungrateful, and in need of repair. Thankfully, I was able to get away to college by 17, and never moved back home full time. In my second year, I took an apartment off campus, and so began my adult life. I visited my parents occasionally, and seemed to be chasing after their attention and approval. My calls home usually went unreturned for days, sometimes my birthday was forgotten, and I continued to try to toughen up, and seek love elsewhere. Fortunately, I met my husband not long after college, and have been blessed with an amazing marriage and two incredible children of my own. Sadly, my adopted sibling has not been able to find happiness in adulthood, and lives a marginal existence of homelessness, unemployment, and violent tendencies, though my sibling, also, was blessed with intelligence and charm. Said sibling cannot sustain functional behaviors for extended periods of time.

My outcast status is complete within my adoptive family. Occasionally, I learn of a death, or a wedding, or a child being born, usually by googling family names, and stumbling across an obituary that mentions survivors, spouses, and grandchildren. I spent my childhood being the bastard at the family reunion, only I was oblivious to that reality. In hindsight, I've been able to figure this out. I now have my own family, I am loved, and I have a place where I belong. I wish I could turn off the love I have for my parents, but it remains a thorn in my side. I am sorry they could never know the joys of loving the children they "raised." (Sibling and I were left to our own devices so much of the time, I barely survived childhood.) I am stung by the easily flowing love and affection my mother has for her biological family. She admitted to me in adulthood that she always considered me to be damaged goods. I am sad that my kids have only one set of grandparents, but grateful that they are shielded from the toxicity that I grew up with.

For some reason, topics on adoption seem to usually focus on the adoptive parents or the biological parents, but not on the kids. I thought my story might be of some relevance. Lastly, I did find my biological mother many years ago; she told me to never contact her again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I think the the biological love is not there and if it turns out to be bad that is something hard to over come. Conditional love only happens in biological children. Bring on the responses but if you do not have a biological child you will not understand.

OK, I will bring it on. I am an adult adoptee with three biological children.

I can tell you that there is no difference between the love I feel for my family (not-bio parents, sibs, nieces, nephews, etc.) and the love I feel for my own bio family. There is no higher "bio love" as you describe. So you see, love makes all things real, even the bonds between non-bio relatives.

I think it's downright cruel of you to suggest to adoptive parents reading this that they "will not understand." In my mind, you are the one who lacks understanding. (Not surprising, actually, given that you don't seem to know the difference between conditional and unconditional love).

[Anonymous]

To the bottom feeder who created this thread: You can go swim back into the depths now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was adopted by people who, for reasons I still don't totally understand, rejected me. I love them, I've known no other parents but them, and unfortunately, their rejection holds the ability to hurt me for the rest of my life. I remember feeling loved for a few short years, maybe until I was 5 or so. For the remainder of my childhood, I had no conscious understanding of being rejected. In hindsight, it was clear I was not what they wanted or expected, and that my adoptive mother, in particular, resented everything that had to do with me and the other child she adopted a few years before me—my sibling by adoption, but not by blood.

By age 10, I became despondent and suicidal. The first 10 years of my life, I was the model child: intelligent, well-behaved, talented, easy going, academically gifted. The next 7 years I spent validating my mother's dislike of me. And ultimately, I internalized her view, believing I was broken, ungrateful, and in need of repair. Thankfully, I was able to get away to college by 17, and never moved back home full time. In my second year, I took an apartment off campus, and so began my adult life. I visited my parents occasionally, and seemed to be chasing after their attention and approval. My calls home usually went unreturned for days, sometimes my birthday was forgotten, and I continued to try to toughen up, and seek love elsewhere. Fortunately, I met my husband not long after college, and have been blessed with an amazing marriage and two incredible children of my own. Sadly, my adopted sibling has not been able to find happiness in adulthood, and lives a marginal existence of homelessness, unemployment, and violent tendencies, though my sibling, also, was blessed with intelligence and charm. Said sibling cannot sustain functional behaviors for extended periods of time.

My outcast status is complete within my adoptive family. Occasionally, I learn of a death, or a wedding, or a child being born, usually by googling family names, and stumbling across an obituary that mentions survivors, spouses, and grandchildren. I spent my childhood being the bastard at the family reunion, only I was oblivious to that reality. In hindsight, I've been able to figure this out. I now have my own family, I am loved, and I have a place where I belong. I wish I could turn off the love I have for my parents, but it remains a thorn in my side. I am sorry they could never know the joys of loving the children they "raised." (Sibling and I were left to our own devices so much of the time, I barely survived childhood.) I am stung by the easily flowing love and affection my mother has for her biological family. She admitted to me in adulthood that she always considered me to be damaged goods. I am sad that my kids have only one set of grandparents, but grateful that they are shielded from the toxicity that I grew up with.

For some reason, topics on adoption seem to usually focus on the adoptive parents or the biological parents, but not on the kids. I thought my story might be of some relevance. Lastly, I did find my biological mother many years ago; she told me to never contact her again.

Thanks for sharing. I'm sorry for what you had to endure and happy for you that you found the love you deserve.

[Anonymous]

Blood is thicker than water. Love is thicker than blood.

Families, no matter how they are created, are people who love and take care of each other for better or worse.

My parents had 7 biological children, but took in one of my brother's friends as a son after his mother died and his father remarried (and things did not work out for him in the "new family"). Forty years later and this man is still part of our family and we are proud to have him and love and care for him. He, in turn, has enormous love for my parents.

My husband and I could not have biological children. We adopted an infant boy. We have had so many joyous moments and, of course, some disappointments. That's part of being a family. He has talents that we don't have (great musical ear and plays in a quintet) and has weaknesses where we have strengths, but we have learned to encourage him in his pursuit of a career and happiness in as many ways as we can. I don't think we could love him more. Watching someone grow and help them pursue their potential (whatever that is) is a true gift. It's the hardest but most rewarding job in the world.