DD bullied for wearing off-brand clothes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm really surprised at the responses on here basically telling Op to help her DD cave to peer pressure. What happens when your kid is made fun of for not doing shots at the party, or not trying the bong hit?
I would speak tot he school about the bullying. The school needs to tell the kids to stop it.
I would give my DD a budget for clothes and let her decide what to get with it.
I would also take my kid to some volunteer opportunities so she can see what it's like to worry about having clothes or food at all, never mind name brands.

You must not have any kids. Your advice sucks. I guess you think that the school is going to tell kids to stop bullying, problem solved! Why didn't we think of this years ago?

My school actively intervenes in bullying.

I must be doing something right because my 13 YO DD doesn't care what she wears, has friends, and gets straight As. She insists on wearing "old lady" bathing suits and rolls her eyes at my taking her to a dermatologist for her acne. "It's normal for teens to have acne". Her teacher thanked me for raising such a polite, respectful child - "a rarity nowadays".

But sure, ignore my advice.

Good for you. Your daughter sounds like she's doing well. At 13 she is just at the beginning of her teen years- as a parent of older kids my observation is that there's a lot of change from 12-25! Don't be surprised if she suddenly becomes brand-obsessed, or moody and rude. My kids did a lot of 180 degree turns in behavior but in the end they all turned out level headed and happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't remember being outright teased re: clothes in middle school, but acutely remember how self-conscious I was about never having the 'right' things (like, my mom finally bought me Adidas Sambas...when everyone else had moved on to Converse). I was the oldest of 3 kids and didn't have anyone to help me navigate through the transition to more 'teenage' stuff (clothes, music, etc.). In 7th grade, I got an Adidas puffer jacket for Christmas and that thing became my armor...it mattered less if my jeans weren't a 'cool' brand or my t-shirts were plain solid colors when I at least had the same jacket 'everyone' else was wearing. Same thing in college, when designer brands were de rigeur...bought a North Face fleece over my first winter break and had the same feeling of 'camouflage'.

I think you can and should have discussions with your DD about not getting caught up in always having the latest and greatest, and how ultimately the comfort and performance of clothing items is more important than the label...and then work with her to identify the one or two items that are really important to her, and that she can get a lot of use out of (maybe a bag, or jacket, or shoes). As she gets older, 'luxury' purchases can be special gifts, or things she works for with her own money.

Good point, much more mileage out of a jacket.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a middle ground- buy her some name brand things within your budget and to the degree you think appropriate.
I'm not a fan of spending $100 on lululemon leggings, but I supplement DD's babysitting earnings to help her get a pair or two. These things make a difference between struggling socially and doing well for some kids.

What the?? $100 for a pair of leggings? Those ugly leggings that show camel toe and have ugly prints on them? They are popular for moms, not kids.

And they show your tushy crack - come on, don't ruin the karma by clueing people in.

When my DD was Lulu Lemon obsessed I brought her to the store and while there I tried on a pair of their leggings.
I came out of the dressing room and my DD and the sales lady said 'no. Put those back you can't wear those!'
I started pleading..
DD left with a new headband.

A headband, seriously. Give up a dinner or two out and get her the leggings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a middle ground- buy her some name brand things within your budget and to the degree you think appropriate.
I'm not a fan of spending $100 on lululemon leggings, but I supplement DD's babysitting earnings to help her get a pair or two. These things make a difference between struggling socially and doing well for some kids.

What the?? $100 for a pair of leggings? Those ugly leggings that show camel toe and have ugly prints on them? They are popular for moms, not kids.

And they show your tushy crack - come on, don't ruin the karma by clueing people in.

When my DD was Lulu Lemon obsessed I brought her to the store and while there I tried on a pair of their leggings.
I came out of the dressing room and my DD and the sales lady said 'no. Put those back you can't wear those!'
I started pleading..
DD left with a new headband.

A headband, seriously. Give up a dinner or two out and get her the leggings.

And please learn the difference between lularoe (frumpy leggings with wacky prints) and Lululemon (overpriced leggings for yoga moms and teen girls).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a middle ground- buy her some name brand things within your budget and to the degree you think appropriate.
I'm not a fan of spending $100 on lululemon leggings, but I supplement DD's babysitting earnings to help her get a pair or two. These things make a difference between struggling socially and doing well for some kids.

What the?? $100 for a pair of leggings? Those ugly leggings that show camel toe and have ugly prints on them? They are popular for moms, not kids.

And they show your tushy crack - come on, don't ruin the karma by clueing people in.

When my DD was Lulu Lemon obsessed I brought her to the store and while there I tried on a pair of their leggings.
I came out of the dressing room and my DD and the sales lady said 'no. Put those back you can't wear those!'
I started pleading..
DD left with a new headband.

A headband, seriously. Give up a dinner or two out and get her the leggings.

And please learn the difference between lularoe (frumpy leggings with wacky prints) and Lululemon (overpriced leggings for yoga moms and teen girls).

Teen girls do not want to wear anything moms are wearing. Zero.

Lululemon is for moms trying to act like they always just left the gym - it is desperate, worse than teens.

[Anonymous]

I guess you don't have a teen who is doing sports. Teenage girls love lulu lemon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From what I have observed, teen/tween brands now are:
Adidas
Puma
Top shop
Brandy Melville
Forever 21
Madewell
Lululemon

Some kids like:
Vineyard Vines
Lacoste
Uggs
Hunter
H&M

That's an interesting list, as some of those are quite inexpensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm really surprised at the responses on here basically telling Op to help her DD cave to peer pressure. What happens when your kid is made fun of for not doing shots at the party, or not trying the bong hit?
I would speak tot he school about the bullying. The school needs to tell the kids to stop it.
I would give my DD a budget for clothes and let her decide what to get with it.
I would also take my kid to some volunteer opportunities so she can see what it's like to worry about having clothes or food at all, never mind name brands.

My DD does these things all the time (volunteering). She still wants some name brand clothes. Just a few, not a lot.
It's not wrong to have some things that you would like.

The issue is the daughter expresses wanting them BECAUSE she is bullied or because she wants to fit in. I think its the 100% total wrong response to then immediately go out and buy it. IT justifies the bullies. It tells your daughter there was something wrong with how she dresses and they were right. If it causes her to fit in, it then allows her to be complacent when the bullies find a new target and perhaps even encourage her to join in. What about the next kid that truly can't afford it?

I'm not against giving my kid brands she wants for birthdays and Christmas. Maybe even a choice item or two when we go school clothes shopping. But she gets 90% sensible basics from me and she knows it. In May, at the end of the school year, just because girls have turned catty because the weathers suddenly warmer she needs something obviously branded? hell no. When she makes her own money, she can buy what she wants.

Even the fact that you've considered it is probably sending her the message that the bullies have a point. You need to be fierce. Talk to her about class and money and why she wants what she wants. Tell her she is beautiful and her clothes fit and look nice and you will not tolerate hearing about teasing because of clothes ever. If you just give in and buy it, you're part of the problem.

Go buy her a nice maxi skirt that looks awesome or new sandals or something those dumb kids have never even thought of if you really want to boost her confidence. something she likes because it looks good. Take her to a thrift store and let her try on tons of stuff. Invite a nice girls from school to go walk in the woods and climb to the top of the mountain and post it on facebook.

Redirect, ignore, do more awesome stuff that has nothing to do with money.

[Anonymous]

I'm guessing the OPs HHI isn't that high? Why can't they afford to shop at F21, Guess or Lulu Lemon?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess you don't have a teen who is doing sports. Teenage girls love lulu lemon.

Yup. If you don't have teens, don't assume you know them. My HS and college daughters love lululemon leggings. Their friends do too. This time of year, though, the leggings are pretty much put away in favor of shorts and dresses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From what I have observed, teen/tween brands now are:
Adidas
Puma
Top shop
Brandy Melville
Forever 21
Madewell
Lululemon

Some kids like:
Vineyard Vines
Lacoste
Uggs
Hunter
H&M

That's an interesting list, as some of those are quite inexpensive.

My 16 yo likes Zara. She avoids kids wearing Vineyard Vines.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm really surprised at the responses on here basically telling Op to help her DD cave to peer pressure. What happens when your kid is made fun of for not doing shots at the party, or not trying the bong hit?
I would speak tot he school about the bullying. The school needs to tell the kids to stop it.
I would give my DD a budget for clothes and let her decide what to get with it.
I would also take my kid to some volunteer opportunities so she can see what it's like to worry about having clothes or food at all, never mind name brands.

My DD does these things all the time (volunteering). She still wants some name brand clothes. Just a few, not a lot.
It's not wrong to have some things that you would like.

The issue is the daughter expresses wanting them BECAUSE she is bullied or because she wants to fit in. I think its the 100% total wrong response to then immediately go out and buy it. IT justifies the bullies. It tells your daughter there was something wrong with how she dresses and they were right. If it causes her to fit in, it then allows her to be complacent when the bullies find a new target and perhaps even encourage her to join in. What about the next kid that truly can't afford it?

I'm not against giving my kid brands she wants for birthdays and Christmas. Maybe even a choice item or two when we go school clothes shopping. But she gets 90% sensible basics from me and she knows it. In May, at the end of the school year, just because girls have turned catty because the weathers suddenly warmer she needs something obviously branded? hell no. When she makes her own money, she can buy what she wants.

Even the fact that you've considered it is probably sending her the message that the bullies have a point. You need to be fierce. Talk to her about class and money and why she wants what she wants. Tell her she is beautiful and her clothes fit and look nice and you will not tolerate hearing about teasing because of clothes ever. If you just give in and buy it, you're part of the problem.

Go buy her a nice maxi skirt that looks awesome or new sandals or something those dumb kids have never even thought of if you really want to boost her confidence. something she likes because it looks good. Take her to a thrift store and let her try on tons of stuff. Invite a nice girls from school to go walk in the woods and climb to the top of the mountain and post it on facebook.

Redirect, ignore, do more awesome stuff that has nothing to do with money.

This sounds like it's more about you than your teen. The answer does not have to be to be taking a stand and forcing your own biases and beliefs on your kids. Let your kid form their own opinions by modeling for them instead of preaching. Given a chance most kids to come up with these answers on their own time, through their own experience. And in my opinion, sometimes modeling for them is giving someone you love the things they want as a kindness, because it's important to them. This includes, within means and reason, a few clothes that help them fit in.

[Anonymous]

I don't disagree, but the crux of the issue is WHY she wants them. It's not because she's ever noticed them or likes them or has asked for them in the past and not been given them, shes 11. Other girls suddenly made her feel not good enough and buying them at this moment would be subtlety agreeing. The mom asks, if I buy them "will I make her more popular?" NO. NO NO NO NO. I believe you must be firm on that point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess you don't have a teen who is doing sports. Teenage girls love lulu lemon.

Yup. If you don't have teens, don't assume you know them. My HS and college daughters love lululemon leggings. Their friends do too. This time of year, though, the leggings are pretty much put away in favor of shorts and dresses.

Same. I normally don't spend that much money for sport clothes for myself. But after I tried my daughters running leggings, I felt in love with them and got me one. My kid runs 6 days a week, the practice is 3 hours after school each school day. She loves their leggings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:School uniforms would solve this problem across the board.

I'm poor and don't believe in school uniforms. They are a bandaid that don't address the real problem, which is kids thinking they are better people if they are richer or have more resourceful parents or have certain clothes. I'd rather schools put effort into changing THAT mindset.

This mindset comes from the family, not from the school.