Sexless marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was in - still am - in a sexless marriage. I'm not a slob, I'm active around the house helping, like to do DIY stuff around the house, love my kids and spend time with them. Our sex life was rough. Once every few months, to about a year of no sex. It wasn't my physical appearance, couldn't be because I never helped. Regardless, the lack of sex and constant rejection drove me into having an affair. I met a beautiful woman at a gym I go to a lot and we hooked up several times over a period of weeks. It was great. The best part was having someone want me and want to be with me. She made me feel confident and like a man again. The second was always pleasurable and intimate.

I feel bad I had an affair - as she doesn't know. But in the same sense I feel validated since we haven't had sex in so long and still won't. If anything it made me realize there is a lot of potential partners out there so I probably will file for divorce.

Don't wait too long my man, otherwise you're going to regret it, there is a lot of beautiful women who do want to have sex.

This is inspiring.

I was also in a quasi-sexless marriage (by definition sex less than 10 times in a year). Had an affair, felt whole again. Wife regained libido, affair fizzled and we are back to a decent if not perfect sex life.

I think many of these men in sexless marriages underestimate how much better they will feel having an affair. And how it may cycle their wife's libido upwards to be around a husband who is happy and glowing again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in - still am - in a sexless marriage. I'm not a slob, I'm active around the house helping, like to do DIY stuff around the house, love my kids and spend time with them. Our sex life was rough. Once every few months, to about a year of no sex. It wasn't my physical appearance, couldn't be because I never helped. Regardless, the lack of sex and constant rejection drove me into having an affair. I met a beautiful woman at a gym I go to a lot and we hooked up several times over a period of weeks. It was great. The best part was having someone want me and want to be with me. She made me feel confident and like a man again. The second was always pleasurable and intimate.

I feel bad I had an affair - as she doesn't know. But in the same sense I feel validated since we haven't had sex in so long and still won't. If anything it made me realize there is a lot of potential partners out there so I probably will file for divorce.

Don't wait too long my man, otherwise you're going to regret it, there is a lot of beautiful women who do want to have sex.

This is inspiring.

I was also in a quasi-sexless marriage (by definition sex less than 10 times in a year). Had an affair, felt whole again. Wife regained libido, affair fizzled and we are back to a decent if not perfect sex life.

I think many of these men in sexless marriages underestimate how much better they will feel having an affair. And how it may cycle their wife's libido upwards to be around a husband who is happy and glowing again.

PP here, I want to be clear I'm not going to divorce because I want to be with the other woman. That affair is gone because I ended it. It did make me realize there is a lot the world can offer. A failing marriage is terrible and makes you feel like a failure, but you can move on.

[Anonymous]

I have decided I can't or won't let my wife's rejection of me bring me down anymore. I am doing for me now. Getting in shape. Playing age group lacrosse which has gotten me new group of friends. Going back to school. In short, getting happy. Hope she sees that and finds it more attractive and we get busy again. Two good kids and do not not not want to cheat and screw that up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in a sexless marriage. And when I say sexless, I mean sexless. My marriage of 10 years has never been consummated. We lived together for years before getting married and had a great sex life. With no kids we travelled around the world attending fancy parties in places like NYC, Venice, Cuba and Monaco. But as we grew older, it occurred to me that it we didn't have a kid now, we never would. We decided to try and then married while DW was pregnant. We didn't have sex during pregnancy. After DS was born, DW lost all interest in sex. At first she told me it was because women have no sex drive while lactating. I was like "oh, ok, didn't know that." One woman at my office told me that was ridiculous, but I just accepted it. But when nursing stopped, DW continued to sleep with DS. When DW finally returned to our bed, she said that since giving birth, she had losr all interest in sex. This is not to say that I haven't had any sex at all in the past 10 years. DW was always very open minded about sex. She doesn't consider a massage with a happy ending to be cheating. When I've gone to conventions in Rio she doesn't even consider a visit to a bathhouse to be cheating. To her, it's only cheating if there is emotion involved. In every other way, our marriage is great. We are best friends and DW is a great mom. I used to hate our sexless situation, but I have grown to accept it. As I've grown older, my own libido has declined.

Wait, what now? How did she get pregnant if your marriage was never consummated? Did she have sex with some other guy and not you?

Re-read the post. It says we got married while she was pregnant.

[Anonymous]

My husband and I married in our late 20s when we were both in great shape and very attracted to each other, we had sex all of the time. Now we're in our late 30s, have young kids, each gained 30+ pounds, and have sex every few months. It makes me sad but the rest of our lives are going pretty well so I haven't bothered to lose the weight or create more of a spark. I'm hopeful things will turn around at some point but I'm also depressed to think I may be having sex just a few times a year for the rest of my life.

[Anonymous]

Almost every other aspect of our marriage is good. Bright, healthy, happy kids, loving extended families, good jobs, fat bank account. But the lack of sex is such a huge void

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I married in our late 20s when we were both in great shape and very attracted to each other, we had sex all of the time. Now we're in our late 30s, have young kids, each gained 30+ pounds, and have sex every few months. It makes me sad but the rest of our lives are going pretty well so I haven't bothered to lose the weight or create more of a spark. I'm hopeful things will turn around at some point but I'm also depressed to think I may be having sex just a few times a year for the rest of my life.

Don't worry it will be come once a year in your 40's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Actually, I am guessing what would make her happy would be if she regained sexual attraction to her husband and that intimacy returned to their lives.

What a great idea! Tonight I'm going to order my wife to be more sexually attracted to me so that she'll be happy.

Are other women sexually attracted to you? Are there things you can do to become more sexually attractive? Have you tried? I think confidence, physical fitness, and having a backbone (especially when it comes to her) can go a long way.

Word! If you want your wife to be attracted, then work hard at being attractive.
Dress well. Hit the gym. Increase your sex rank. Flirt with all the ladies at the beach.
Your *wife* might not take notice. But the female attention positions you for success in open marriage or divorce.

Man, could you imagine the shit you would get if you said this to a woman?

Yup. We'd be all over you. But you knew that. Gonna go curl my hair and shave my legs now so I can be ready for DH when he gets home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I hate to break it to you, but attraction isn't just about a good body or dressing well. Sometimes the chemistry just isn't there. In some cases of friends I have observed, they first started dating when they were young. Chemistry is easier when you are young because you are flooded with hormones and just discovering that aspect of yourself. They stay together, but then as they get older, one realizes that she/he isn't really attracted to the other (and no amount of working out at the gym can make that happen), but by that point, they are so familiar to each other, so used to each other, that there is no impetus/motivation to break up the relationship and move on. The stability becomes the attractive feature of the relationship, and the partner who lost attraction just kind of assumes it is a loss of interest in sex in general.

As I said, it's not always about specific physical features. That's why some men who have beautiful and fit wives aren't necessarily satisfied. It's something beyond that. It's chemistry. Attraction is a complicated thing. That's why it's so hard -- perhaps impossible -- to force it.

OK, this is interesting, because I see this in myself. I hooked up with DH because I was horny and knew he'd be interested. Yes, bad reason. But actual chemistry ... probably not there. I like sex, so that wasn't a problem, but realizing that the reason I was OK with sex earlier in the relationship was because I was younger and was hormonally unstable? THAT sounds reasonable. I still try to force it, because, you know, inertia and life is hard enough to not be having sex on top of it.

So ... it is hard, but maybe possible? ... to force the attraction? I really would like to be attracted to my husband.

[Anonymous]

I have no interest in sex with my DH - we do have sex 1 or 2 times a week with a few assisted hand jobs - I'm super neutral to it but he seems happy enough. I never say no but I also never ask - I always wonder why anyone would care. So many years together - sex really has nothing to do with it.