If you don't want sex, then shouldn't YOU be the one to leave and divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know a lot of women who lost libido in their 40s, after kids.

The idea that these women had an obligation to go "fix" their libidos medically (fix how? there is no equivalent for the boner pill for women) is laughable to me. These women are so busy. They are so tired. They have so much on their plate -- kids, work, elder care, the myriad of minor health issues that often come with peri menopause. They don't have much sex drive anymore. The idea that they should *prioritize* their sex drive over all the other stuff they have to take care of so that their spouse, who pretty much never pulls his weight with the kids or the house or other responsibilities, is just laughable to me.

If you want your wife to have a high libido well into middle age, here's my advice: have a lot of money, outsource all the drudgery of housework and childcare, make sure she gets tons of downtime for herself, go on vacation a lot, don't pressure her about having more kids. Make life as carefree and enjoyable as possible. Then, if her libido still disappears, I feel you'd be justified in suggesting she should see a doctor and try to address that.

If you have the standard 40-something-with-kids-and-a-mortgage life, and your wife either works FT or is a SAHM will no additional help, you cannot ask this of her. She has too much to do. You will need to take care of your own boners.

Stereotypical and wrong. I'm the wife in that life and I'm the one who is sex deprived.

[Anonymous]

I'm OP and I'm a woman. OP is not the weird sex-deprived dude arguing with people here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is it always the most stupid people who say, "full stop"? What idiot got that phrase going and spread it to their idiot minions?

That and ‘make it make sense’ are signs of idiocy IME

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No matter who decides, the marriage is over so, really, who gives F who "decides"??

In what sad world is a marriage only about sex?

Nobody said marriage is only about sex. However sex is part of marriage along with many other things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are a pig who does not understand marriage. Patience and understanding should be your response to the no sex request. That is not the end of a marriage, it is simply a phase. Your response to go involve a third party for sexual reasons is unfair to third party and devastating to your wife and children.
Don’t be a dick.
Grow up. Apologize to your wife and children for your ridiculous a&& clown behavior and start asking what you can to to be a better dad and partner.

Here we go

Here is how I tell you about my situation - I understand that patience and understanding is important but my ex-wife did not seek treatment and my patience was making her more relaxed and she stopped putting efforts. This is not just about sex but she has also gained weight, no exercise, type 2 and other medical conditions, and also reduced contributing in other ways. After understanding and patiences for more than 2+ years, I called it quits. I respect myself enough that I am not going to suffer because of someone else's inadequacies. Unless, there is a something serious going on, there is no reason for any of the partners to control sex. You do that, then you are already checking out of the relationship/marriage.

Oh you waited 2 whole years? Wow. What a guy. You are so obviously a narc POS but you likely think you’re a great guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No matter who decides, the marriage is over so, really, who gives F who "decides"??

In what sad world is a marriage only about sex?

Nobody said marriage is only about sex. However sex is part of marriage along with many other things.

Desire ebbs and flows and regular sex is not guaranteed. Anyone who thinks that is clueless

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marriage is more than just sex.

Of course, marriage is about more than sex. So if your DH said to you, "I love you and want to stay married, but sex is very important to me. Since you decided it's no longer something you want to do, I'm going to find someone to satisfy me sexually outside of our marriage." That would be totally ok with you, right?

If my spouse told me he wanted to have sex with people outside our marriage, I would tell him that wasn't okay with him, but if that's what he really wanted, then we could get divorced.

Look, if you are unhappy with your sex life in your marriage, you have three options:
(1) Divorce
(2) Discuss opening the marriage with your spouse, and do that if you both agree
(3) Accept it

These might fee like inadequate solutions, I get it. But those are really the only ethical options. Some of you seem to think there are additional options, but sorry, these just aren't ethical. These are:

(4) Cheat
(5) Somehow force your partner to have sex with you?? I never understand this.

The rest of us are never going to condone 4-5, sorry. 1-3 are all fine with me, do whatever makes the most sense for you.

Did you even read what I wrote? Asking your spouse to open up the marriage is one of your solutions, yet somehow, you'd divorce over it. Make it make sense.

What you described wasn't asking. It was dictating. If your spouse doesn't agree to it, you have to get divorced or accept the sexless marriage. You can't force your spouse to accept you sleeping with other people. That's not one of the options.

And what is it called if one spouse unilaterally decides to stop having sex?

Cruelty

[Anonymous]

Woman here who has little desire after FT work, kids, stress and hormonal issues. My dh grumbles and if he cheated I wouldn’t want to know about it. Marriage is a long haul. I expect there will be times I have more desire and dh has less. Actually now he has ED issues at times. Would I divorce him over that? No way. Marriage is a long term partnership. People posting on here to divorce over this are trashy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Woman here who has little desire after FT work, kids, stress and hormonal issues. My dh grumbles and if he cheated I wouldn’t want to know about it. Marriage is a long haul. I expect there will be times I have more desire and dh has less. Actually now he has ED issues at times. Would I divorce him over that? No way. Marriage is a long term partnership. People posting on here to divorce over this are trashy.

The bolded is trashy too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sex is not a requirement in marriage. If you think it is a requirement, then leave.

It certainly is for all healty people with a libido.

[Anonymous]

"Woman here who has little desire after FT work, kids, stress and hormonal issues. My dh grumbles and if he cheated I wouldn’t want to know about it. Marriage is a long haul. I expect there will be times I have more desire and dh has less. Actually now he has ED issues at times. Would I divorce him over that? No way. Marriage is a long term partnership. People posting on here to divorce over this are trashy."

I don't get it. Is reading comprehension really this bad among DC adults?! Nobody is talking about ebbs and flows in desire. We're talking about how you'd feel if your DH told you today that he has zero intention of ever being physically intimate with you again. Not just no more PIV. Nothing. He refuses to interact with you in a sexual manner and he says he's repulsed by the thought of having sex with you. He refuses to get a Rx for Viagra to treat his ED. He refuses to get his doc to check him out to see why he has low libido. Oh, and meanwhile he's buying lube and sex toys and lots of porn so that he can jerk off by himself. But he refuses to share anything sexual with you. THAT is what we're talking about. Believe it or not, there are LOTS of people, many writing in this thread, who think that it is your job to just accept it because it's his body/his choice. To hell with how it impacts on you as an individual and your marriage. Some of us feel that his behavior is breaking his marriage vows. Others don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But I’m sure he’s obligated to open his wallet for you, right ladies?

Most women who aren’t having sex can take care of themselves and don’t need the money that’s why they couldn’t care less

Feminism has destroyed civil society

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a lot of women who lost libido in their 40s, after kids.

The idea that these women had an obligation to go "fix" their libidos medically (fix how? there is no equivalent for the boner pill for women) is laughable to me. These women are so busy. They are so tired. They have so much on their plate -- kids, work, elder care, the myriad of minor health issues that often come with peri menopause. They don't have much sex drive anymore. The idea that they should *prioritize* their sex drive over all the other stuff they have to take care of so that their spouse, who pretty much never pulls his weight with the kids or the house or other responsibilities, is just laughable to me.

If you want your wife to have a high libido well into middle age, here's my advice: have a lot of money, outsource all the drudgery of housework and childcare, make sure she gets tons of downtime for herself, go on vacation a lot, don't pressure her about having more kids. Make life as carefree and enjoyable as possible. Then, if her libido still disappears, I feel you'd be justified in suggesting she should see a doctor and try to address that.

If you have the standard 40-something-with-kids-and-a-mortgage life, and your wife either works FT or is a SAHM will no additional help, you cannot ask this of her. She has too much to do. You will need to take care of your own boners.

Stereotypical and wrong. I'm the wife in that life and I'm the one who is sex deprived.

So? Your marriage is not every marriage. The comment you're replying to clearly prefaced it with "I know a lot of women who lost libido in their 40s, after kids." If that's not you, then of course the things in the post won't make sense for your marriage.

However it is more common for women to lose libido at midlife before men do. Partly due to biology and partly because women tend to store less of their identity in their sexuality, especially after having kids. Doesn't mean it never happens the other way, but it's definitely more rare. Sometimes stereotypes exist for a reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But I’m sure he’s obligated to open his wallet for you, right ladies?

Most women who aren’t having sex can take care of themselves and don’t need the money that’s why they couldn’t care less

Feminism has destroyed civil society

Feminism doesn't cause women to lose interest in sex. It's always happened. It's a common part of menopause.

Feminism did get the law changed to make marital rape illegal. Are you saying society was more civil when men could rape their wives?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know a lot of women who lost libido in their 40s, after kids.

The idea that these women had an obligation to go "fix" their libidos medically (fix how? there is no equivalent for the boner pill for women) is laughable to me. These women are so busy. They are so tired. They have so much on their plate -- kids, work, elder care, the myriad of minor health issues that often come with peri menopause. They don't have much sex drive anymore. The idea that they should *prioritize* their sex drive over all the other stuff they have to take care of so that their spouse, who pretty much never pulls his weight with the kids or the house or other responsibilities, is just laughable to me.

If you want your wife to have a high libido well into middle age, here's my advice: have a lot of money, outsource all the drudgery of housework and childcare, make sure she gets tons of downtime for herself, go on vacation a lot, don't pressure her about having more kids. Make life as carefree and enjoyable as possible. Then, if her libido still disappears, I feel you'd be justified in suggesting she should see a doctor and try to address that.

If you have the standard 40-something-with-kids-and-a-mortgage life, and your wife either works FT or is a SAHM will no additional help, you cannot ask this of her. She has too much to do. You will need to take care of your own boners.

Stop being such a baby. Fulfill your marital obligations like you are fulfilling other responsibilities.