If you don't want sex, then shouldn't YOU be the one to leave and divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are a pig who does not understand marriage. Patience and understanding should be your response to the no sex request. That is not the end of a marriage, it is simply a phase. Your response to go involve a third party for sexual reasons is unfair to third party and devastating to your wife and children.
Don’t be a dick.
Grow up. Apologize to your wife and children for your ridiculous a&& clown behavior and start asking what you can to to be a better dad and partner.

Here we go

Here is how I tell you about my situation - I understand that patience and understanding is important but my ex-wife did not seek treatment and my patience was making her more relaxed and she stopped putting efforts. This is not just about sex but she has also gained weight, no exercise, type 2 and other medical conditions, and also reduced contributing in other ways. After understanding and patiences for more than 2+ years, I called it quits. I respect myself enough that I am not going to suffer because of someone else's inadequacies. Unless, there is a something serious going on, there is no reason for any of the partners to control sex. You do that, then you are already checking out of the relationship/marriage.

We are not buying it. You left the marriage, not her. Why can you not own up to that? I bet you she did not seek treatment because the marriage had underlying issues before the lack of sex. If it were so great, she would have known you will eventually leave and she would have done something to prevent your departure. She did not because the marriage was already suffering. Sex was just a symptom. It takes two. You may have checked out before she did because you too missed the signs that you were no longer connecting. Who knows. Stop this laser focus on sex. The fact that you think someone "controls" sex shows you have not done enough reflection. Good luck to the next woman that gets you. And don't marry this time so it is easier to cut loose when sex dries up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marriage is more than just sex.

Of course, marriage is about more than sex. So if your DH said to you, "I love you and want to stay married, but sex is very important to me. Since you decided it's no longer something you want to do, I'm going to find someone to satisfy me sexually outside of our marriage." That would be totally ok with you, right?

I am not who you are responding to, but my answer would be "yes." If I am done, I could care less where you get it. (Woman here) In fact, I said this to my ex spouse.

But he left you anyway, to find love and sex with the same person?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am happy with my spouse regarding his parenting. I am happy about his sense of humor and his kindness. I am unhappy about his laziness and low energy generally. What if I want satisfying sex enough to cheat but not to give up the good part? This is why these issues are much more complex than people make them out to be. In my case, I settle for a vibrator and have for years but I can see other partners making different choices.

I can get off with toys too but nothing beats the feeling of being desired by someone. Oh well.

I am over 50 but I know men desire me. Ex boyfriends, men at work. I don’t need to sleep with them to feel desirable

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wild post.

You’re framing this like there are two equally sneaky contract violations happening:

Spouse A says, “I don’t want sex anymore.”
Spouse B says, “Cool, I’ll outsource it.”

And you’re asking why only #2 gets torched. Here’s why.

Refusing sex is about what someone does with their own body. Cheating is about what someone does with the **shared agreement** of the marriage.

No one is obligated to provide sex to keep their marriage valid. Full stop. Even in a perfectly healthy, boring, middle-class, carpool-driving life. You don’t get conjugal rights because you’re annoyed.

But you are obligated not to lie and sneak around if you agreed to monogamy.

Those are not parallel actions.

Now, if one spouse decides they don’t want sex ever again? That absolutely changes the marriage. It may be devastating. It may be unfair. It may mean the relationship can’t continue.

But the honest response to a deal-breaker is:
“I can’t live like this. We need to fix this, open this, or end this.”

Not:
“I’ll quietly violate the agreement and call it integrity.”

You’re also assuming that the person who doesn’t want sex has “broken” the contract and therefore must be the one to file. That’s not how this works. People’s libidos change. Bodies change. Trauma happens. Aging happens. Hormones shift. Desire is not a lifetime guarantee baked into the vows.

Marriage isn’t a sexual service subscription.

If sex is essential to you (totally valid), then you’re the one who decides it’s a deal-breaker and you leave. That’s not punishment. That’s agency.

And the “just sex fling that doesn’t threaten the marriage” line is classic DCUM magical thinking. Affairs absolutely threaten marriages. Secrets rot things from the inside. Even if you swear you’ll never leave.

If you want an open marriage? Negotiate one.
If you want monogamy with sex? Say so.
If you’re sexually incompatible? Divorce.

But the idea that someone “owes” you sex or else they should be the one to file is just resentment dressed up as logic.

No one owes sex.
Everyone owes honesty.

Yes, they are. Normal people would reject what you say in bold.

Agree. There is something called the consummation of marriage for a reason.

If your entire argument rests on medieval property law and the word “consummation,” you might want to sit with that.

No one owes you lifetime sexual access. That's not what marriage is, full stop, and it disregards all of the very valid biological changes that happen as we all age that may impact someone's libido.
If sex is non-negotiable for you, you leave. You don’t outsource it in secret and call it moral high ground.

You're completely wrong, no matter how many times you use that idiotic phrase "full stop." You're morally wrong, ethically wrong, and legally wrong. What you're describing is literally grounds for at-fault divorce in every jurisdiction. It's called constructive desertion.

First, all 50 states and DC have no fault divorce.

Also, there is a lot more to the old timey contructive desertion claim. Otherwise, you could claim it when a spouse has erectile disfunction, or vaginal atrophy, or paralysis, etc. So no, it's not immoral or illegal to have limited or no sexual access.

Spousal rape, however, is very illegal.

Isn’t that what most of the people who stop having sex have? Something wrong with them that they refuse to talk to a doctor about.

No lol wut? People stop having sex with their spouses because of unresolved issues between them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Jeez, wait until some of you get old. Does an 85 year old man get to leave his 85 year old wife high and dry with an at-fault divorce because she doesn’t want to sleep with him anymore?

God made teeth fall out at the same time lubrication dries up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would force my spouse into therapy to figure out what we could do to have sex again. Choreplay? Romantic dates? Hormone replacement therapy?

I’m female and wouldn’t be okay with my dh not having sex with me. Once a week is bare minimum.

Good luck with that. How do you force someone into therapy? And they can go there and play with their thumbs if they don't care. The problems are usually far beyond lack of sex.

When you are in an otherwise healthy and thriving relationship and your spouse notices the difference in sexual appetite, you wouldn't have to force them into anything. They'd be communicating things they have tried because they are concerned that you are not getting what you need.

When you feel like you have to tell them to seek remedies even though they clearly know you are going without and have not bothered to bring it up, there is already a deeper issue than sex.

Exactly. So just talk to your wife and get divorced. Clearly there’s not a sense of love and respect in a relationship as described above.

What’s the point of staying married and cheating when you could just divorce and date as much as you like without having to lie about what you're doing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jeez, wait until some of you get old. Does an 85 year old man get to leave his 85 year old wife high and dry with an at-fault divorce because she doesn’t want to sleep with him anymore?

God made teeth fall out at the same time lubrication dries up.

😩😩😩😩

I can’t

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jeez, wait until some of you get old. Does an 85 year old man get to leave his 85 year old wife high and dry with an at-fault divorce because she doesn’t want to sleep with him anymore?

God made teeth fall out at the same time lubrication dries up.

Nursing home staff beg to differ. There are elderly "couples" ( more like eff buddies) literally dying on top of each other. Lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marriage is more than just sex.

Of course, marriage is about more than sex. So if your DH said to you, "I love you and want to stay married, but sex is very important to me. Since you decided it's no longer something you want to do, I'm going to find someone to satisfy me sexually outside of our marriage." That would be totally ok with you, right?

I am not who you are responding to, but my answer would be "yes." If I am done, I could care less where you get it. (Woman here) In fact, I said this to my ex spouse.

But he left you anyway, to find love and sex with the same person?

Actually, no, I’m the one who left him. He didn’t cheat, but if he did, I wouldn’t have cared. It was over from the very beginning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wild post.

You’re framing this like there are two equally sneaky contract violations happening:

Spouse A says, “I don’t want sex anymore.”
Spouse B says, “Cool, I’ll outsource it.”

And you’re asking why only #2 gets torched. Here’s why.

Refusing sex is about what someone does with their own body. Cheating is about what someone does with the **shared agreement** of the marriage.

No one is obligated to provide sex to keep their marriage valid. Full stop. Even in a perfectly healthy, boring, middle-class, carpool-driving life. You don’t get conjugal rights because you’re annoyed.

But you are obligated not to lie and sneak around if you agreed to monogamy.

Those are not parallel actions.

Now, if one spouse decides they don’t want sex ever again? That absolutely changes the marriage. It may be devastating. It may be unfair. It may mean the relationship can’t continue.

But the honest response to a deal-breaker is:
“I can’t live like this. We need to fix this, open this, or end this.”

Not:
“I’ll quietly violate the agreement and call it integrity.”

You’re also assuming that the person who doesn’t want sex has “broken” the contract and therefore must be the one to file. That’s not how this works. People’s libidos change. Bodies change. Trauma happens. Aging happens. Hormones shift. Desire is not a lifetime guarantee baked into the vows.

Marriage isn’t a sexual service subscription.

If sex is essential to you (totally valid), then you’re the one who decides it’s a deal-breaker and you leave. That’s not punishment. That’s agency.

And the “just sex fling that doesn’t threaten the marriage” line is classic DCUM magical thinking. Affairs absolutely threaten marriages. Secrets rot things from the inside. Even if you swear you’ll never leave.

If you want an open marriage? Negotiate one.
If you want monogamy with sex? Say so.
If you’re sexually incompatible? Divorce.

But the idea that someone “owes” you sex or else they should be the one to file is just resentment dressed up as logic.

No one owes sex.
Everyone owes honesty.

Yes, they are. Normal people would reject what you say in bold.

Agree. There is something called the consummation of marriage for a reason.

You can only consummate the marriage once. Nothing required after that.

Why do you consummate it? Because sex is expected in a marriage.

Was have sex forever whenever I want it in your vows?

It’s literally in the vows

No, it’s not, and not all marriages have the same vows. Mine didn’t have vows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would force my spouse into therapy to figure out what we could do to have sex again. Choreplay? Romantic dates? Hormone replacement therapy?

I’m female and wouldn’t be okay with my dh not having sex with me. Once a week is bare minimum.

What if the answer is, he's tired and he'd rather spend his energy on exercising and drinking? True story

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would force my spouse into therapy to figure out what we could do to have sex again. Choreplay? Romantic dates? Hormone replacement therapy?

I’m female and wouldn’t be okay with my dh not having sex with me. Once a week is bare minimum.

Good luck with that. How do you force someone into therapy? And they can go there and play with their thumbs if they don't care. The problems are usually far beyond lack of sex.

When you are in an otherwise healthy and thriving relationship and your spouse notices the difference in sexual appetite, you wouldn't have to force them into anything. They'd be communicating things they have tried because they are concerned that you are not getting what you need.

When you feel like you have to tell them to seek remedies even though they clearly know you are going without and have not bothered to bring it up, there is already a deeper issue than sex.

Exactly. So just talk to your wife and get divorced. Clearly there’s not a sense of love and respect in a relationship as described above.

What’s the point of staying married and cheating when you could just divorce and date as much as you like without having to lie about what you're doing?

1) Maintain the illusion of marriage and stable home for children/family/society
2) Avoid dividing up the net worth
3) The spouse wanting sex may be willing to stay in an otherwise close marriage if he or she can get sex elsewhere in a DADT situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marriage is more than just sex.

Of course, marriage is about more than sex. So if your DH said to you, "I love you and want to stay married, but sex is very important to me. Since you decided it's no longer something you want to do, I'm going to find someone to satisfy me sexually outside of our marriage." That would be totally ok with you, right?

I am not who you are responding to, but my answer would be "yes." If I am done, I could care less where you get it. (Woman here) In fact, I said this to my ex spouse.

But he left you anyway, to find love and sex with the same person?

Actually, no, I’m the one who left him. He didn’t cheat, but if he did, I wouldn’t have cared. It was over from the very beginning.

So lack of sex was just one of many problems, not the catalyst for you leaving him

[Anonymous]

I know a lot of women who lost libido in their 40s, after kids.

The idea that these women had an obligation to go "fix" their libidos medically (fix how? there is no equivalent for the boner pill for women) is laughable to me. These women are so busy. They are so tired. They have so much on their plate -- kids, work, elder care, the myriad of minor health issues that often come with peri menopause. They don't have much sex drive anymore. The idea that they should *prioritize* their sex drive over all the other stuff they have to take care of so that their spouse, who pretty much never pulls his weight with the kids or the house or other responsibilities, is just laughable to me.

If you want your wife to have a high libido well into middle age, here's my advice: have a lot of money, outsource all the drudgery of housework and childcare, make sure she gets tons of downtime for herself, go on vacation a lot, don't pressure her about having more kids. Make life as carefree and enjoyable as possible. Then, if her libido still disappears, I feel you'd be justified in suggesting she should see a doctor and try to address that.

If you have the standard 40-something-with-kids-and-a-mortgage life, and your wife either works FT or is a SAHM will no additional help, you cannot ask this of her. She has too much to do. You will need to take care of your own boners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marriage is more than just sex.

Of course, marriage is about more than sex. So if your DH said to you, "I love you and want to stay married, but sex is very important to me. Since you decided it's no longer something you want to do, I'm going to find someone to satisfy me sexually outside of our marriage." That would be totally ok with you, right?

I am not who you are responding to, but my answer would be "yes." If I am done, I could care less where you get it. (Woman here) In fact, I said this to my ex spouse.

But he left you anyway, to find love and sex with the same person?

Actually, no, I’m the one who left him. He didn’t cheat, but if he did, I wouldn’t have cared. It was over from the very beginning.

You were the problem.