No Kids at Wedding - Why So Much Anger?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't go to my brother's second wedding because my kids weren't invited. I live out of state and all family was going to the wedding. By not inviting my kids it meant I couldn't go. I didn't want to anyway, so it was an easy decision. I didn't want to go because my family is clueless and abusive, and this was just another example of their cluelessness.

But had you wanted to attend, you could have left them home with your husband and gone alone. Or travel to the wedding area, and hire a sitter for your kids. There are many viable solutions

+1
It's fine to not attend a wedding if your kids aren't invited. But don't pretend it's some impossible task to attend if they aren't invited. There are any options available. If you don't want to choose them, fine, but that's your choice. You are choosing not to attend. Own it.

[Anonymous]

I think it's fine for random friends' kids, but my 12 year old would be sad if she was not invited to her uncle's wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are South Asian and of course had kids at our wedding. But my cousin's kid wailed throughout my ceremony and my cousin didn't have the sense to take the kid outside of the hall. Years later, that same cousin's other kid almost ruined a couple's first dance bc the parents couldn't be bothered to keep their kid away from the dance floor for a few minutes.

This is to say, I understand why people exclude kids from weddings. It's not about the kids, it's about the entitled/clueless parents of said kids that don't remove their kid or correct their behavior.

See, a lot of people would find it really cute that a kid occupies the dance floor during the first dance. If I were the bride, I would love it and cherish those pics. Sadly, no kid came up to us during the dance, but I do have hilarious pics of kid shenanigans during other parts of my wedding - they're the best! I'm French, had my wedding in a castle in France, and all the kids were running around, petting the horses of the horse-drawn carriage (under supervision), running into the garden or the fields... it was carefree and exactly what I thought should happen.

The root of the problem is a fundamental difference in how certain adults view the presence of children, who naturally understand the world differently from adults. Childhood is so short and precious. Most of the world understands that this is a time to be understanding of their needs, not try to straight-jacket them into unnecessary decorum. The decorum gets learned every day. My kids are now young adults and teens. They and their cousins have absorbed all the required mannerisms to be courteous adults. They are none of the worse for being invited to weddings and being allowed to express themselves.

This isn’t cute. At all. Why would you think its cure for kids to upstage the couple for the first dance? The kids can slide on their knees the next 30 songs.

and herein lies the delusion. You’re not famous - nobody wants to see your first dance as if you were on Broadway. There is no “upstaging” unless you are impossibly self-centered.

No, it is THEIR wedding. The day is literally all about them. They are entitled to want the first dance, the dance with Bride/Dad, Bride/Mom, Groom/Mom, cutting the cake and anything else to happen without a rude, obnoxious, unparented kid ruining it. That is why they didn't invite the kids---it's the simplest, easiest way to ensure that does not occur. they also likely know you are a relative and do not believe in helping your kids behave (or even expecting them to behave) so it's easiest to just not have the kids there

I know how it could be ALL about the bride and groom: invite nobody! Or invite only paid actors who look and perform exactly how Bridezilla wants. The notion that guests are there as the audience for the bride’s Big Day is just very sad and narcissistic. Weddings have always been about more than the couple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't go to my brother's second wedding because my kids weren't invited. I live out of state and all family was going to the wedding. By not inviting my kids it meant I couldn't go. I didn't want to anyway, so it was an easy decision. I didn't want to go because my family is clueless and abusive, and this was just another example of their cluelessness.

But had you wanted to attend, you could have left them home with your husband and gone alone. Or travel to the wedding area, and hire a sitter for your kids. There are many viable solutions

+1
It's fine to not attend a wedding if your kids aren't invited. But don't pretend it's some impossible task to attend if they aren't invited. There are any options available. If you don't want to choose them, fine, but that's your choice. You are choosing not to attend. Own it.

when you say “no kids” to some body for whom you know it will be difficult or expensive to do this, you are choosing to send the message that you don’t actually want them there. Own it.

[Anonymous]

We decided once we had kids not to attend child free out of town weddings. It was just too much hassle for us - we didn’t have helpful grandparents to watch our kids. We would do child free local weddings if we were close to the couple.

I wouldn’t disown someone over this. But neither would I feel any guilt over my absence. Everyone must own their choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are South Asian and of course had kids at our wedding. But my cousin's kid wailed throughout my ceremony and my cousin didn't have the sense to take the kid outside of the hall. Years later, that same cousin's other kid almost ruined a couple's first dance bc the parents couldn't be bothered to keep their kid away from the dance floor for a few minutes.

This is to say, I understand why people exclude kids from weddings. It's not about the kids, it's about the entitled/clueless parents of said kids that don't remove their kid or correct their behavior.

I appreciate your comments. People always like to say it's a white thing to disinvite kids but all the non-white Asian/Indian weddings I've been to have the worst behaved kids running around the venue, the dance floor, speaking/screaming through the vows and speeches......all in the name of faammmmmmleeeee. Nauseating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are South Asian and of course had kids at our wedding. But my cousin's kid wailed throughout my ceremony and my cousin didn't have the sense to take the kid outside of the hall. Years later, that same cousin's other kid almost ruined a couple's first dance bc the parents couldn't be bothered to keep their kid away from the dance floor for a few minutes.

This is to say, I understand why people exclude kids from weddings. It's not about the kids, it's about the entitled/clueless parents of said kids that don't remove their kid or correct their behavior.

See, a lot of people would find it really cute that a kid occupies the dance floor during the first dance. If I were the bride, I would love it and cherish those pics. Sadly, no kid came up to us during the dance, but I do have hilarious pics of kid shenanigans during other parts of my wedding - they're the best! I'm French, had my wedding in a castle in France, and all the kids were running around, petting the horses of the horse-drawn carriage (under supervision), running into the garden or the fields... it was carefree and exactly what I thought should happen.

The root of the problem is a fundamental difference in how certain adults view the presence of children, who naturally understand the world differently from adults. Childhood is so short and precious. Most of the world understands that this is a time to be understanding of their needs, not try to straight-jacket them into unnecessary decorum. The decorum gets learned every day. My kids are now young adults and teens. They and their cousins have absorbed all the required mannerisms to be courteous adults. They are none of the worse for being invited to weddings and being allowed to express themselves.

This isn’t cute. At all. Why would you think its cure for kids to upstage the couple for the first dance? The kids can slide on their knees the next 30 songs.

and herein lies the delusion. You’re not famous - nobody wants to see your first dance as if you were on Broadway. There is no “upstaging” unless you are impossibly self-centered.

But they don't want to see your kids either. The bride and groom paid for the party. It's their party. Your kids are tolerated at best. If you want your kid on the stage performing, send them to dance class where there is a recital.

why would you invite people you’re so hostile towards? Seriously. why make such a big deal if it’s just “a party”?

I think there are some reasonable points here made about worsening discipline, the expense of hosting your mom’s coworker’s kids, etc. But some people don’t quite seem to get that the reason people make an effort and sometimes go to great cost to attend weddings is because they are more than just “a party.”

Why would you go to a wedding if you begrudge the couple their first dance? How self centered are you?

i don’t begrudge them the first dance but I do think this idea that they are broadway stars everyone is rapt to see is a bit cringe. No matter how well they dance it’s always a bit cringe and everyone is relieved when it ends.

But if your 4 year old was out there with them it would be 10000% better?

It's their wedding, whatever they want to do for the first dance is their choice. Your job is not to critique it all. You can choose when you get married.

This is why people don't want kids at the wedding. That PP thinks the sun shines out of her kid's butt. She doesn't care at all about the bride and groom, it's just a reason to get her kid dressed up and have their moment in the spotlight being 'adorable' during a couple's first dance. PPs kid isn't the reason people are there, as much as she seems to think. The bad parenting is pretty cringe.

No, that’s not what I said although I think a cute toddler dancing is much less cringe than an overrehearsed cringe dance routine or everyone staring at the couple slow dancing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's fine for random friends' kids, but my 12 year old would be sad if she was not invited to her uncle's wedding.

And it's alright for her to be sad. Not everything is about her. 12 is a fine age to learn that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are South Asian and of course had kids at our wedding. But my cousin's kid wailed throughout my ceremony and my cousin didn't have the sense to take the kid outside of the hall. Years later, that same cousin's other kid almost ruined a couple's first dance bc the parents couldn't be bothered to keep their kid away from the dance floor for a few minutes.

This is to say, I understand why people exclude kids from weddings. It's not about the kids, it's about the entitled/clueless parents of said kids that don't remove their kid or correct their behavior.

I had an indian wedding with no kids. What you described is literally my worst nightmare, and exactly the reason why not everyone want to invite kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so glad you posted. I've never seen a discussion about this before and I think it needs to be finally brought up on DCUM!

Next, we should start threads about redshirting, switching seats on planes, off leash dogs, and whether or not schools should be closed for snow.

There's a relatively new good thread on switching seats on planes ... Believe it's in the Travel section.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't get why people who leave their kids all the time to go to work, other parties, the gym, etc, get so worked up against this.

I had no kids OTHER than family at my wedding. I did invite related kids. I am glad they were there. But I don't feel like it's offensive if relatives don't invite my kids.

+1
It's fine when the parents want to dump their kid for a night out, but when I want an adults only event its suddenly the worst offense in the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are South Asian and of course had kids at our wedding. But my cousin's kid wailed throughout my ceremony and my cousin didn't have the sense to take the kid outside of the hall. Years later, that same cousin's other kid almost ruined a couple's first dance bc the parents couldn't be bothered to keep their kid away from the dance floor for a few minutes.

This is to say, I understand why people exclude kids from weddings. It's not about the kids, it's about the entitled/clueless parents of said kids that don't remove their kid or correct their behavior.

See, a lot of people would find it really cute that a kid occupies the dance floor during the first dance. If I were the bride, I would love it and cherish those pics. Sadly, no kid came up to us during the dance, but I do have hilarious pics of kid shenanigans during other parts of my wedding - they're the best! I'm French, had my wedding in a castle in France, and all the kids were running around, petting the horses of the horse-drawn carriage (under supervision), running into the garden or the fields... it was carefree and exactly what I thought should happen.

The root of the problem is a fundamental difference in how certain adults view the presence of children, who naturally understand the world differently from adults. Childhood is so short and precious. Most of the world understands that this is a time to be understanding of their needs, not try to straight-jacket them into unnecessary decorum. The decorum gets learned every day. My kids are now young adults and teens. They and their cousins have absorbed all the required mannerisms to be courteous adults. They are none of the worse for being invited to weddings and being allowed to express themselves.

This isn’t cute. At all. Why would you think its cure for kids to upstage the couple for the first dance? The kids can slide on their knees the next 30 songs.

and herein lies the delusion. You’re not famous - nobody wants to see your first dance as if you were on Broadway. There is no “upstaging” unless you are impossibly self-centered.

But they don't want to see your kids either. The bride and groom paid for the party. It's their party. Your kids are tolerated at best. If you want your kid on the stage performing, send them to dance class where there is a recital.

why would you invite people you’re so hostile towards? Seriously. why make such a big deal if it’s just “a party”?

I think there are some reasonable points here made about worsening discipline, the expense of hosting your mom’s coworker’s kids, etc. But some people don’t quite seem to get that the reason people make an effort and sometimes go to great cost to attend weddings is because they are more than just “a party.”

Why would you go to a wedding if you begrudge the couple their first dance? How self centered are you?

i don’t begrudge them the first dance but I do think this idea that they are broadway stars everyone is rapt to see is a bit cringe. No matter how well they dance it’s always a bit cringe and everyone is relieved when it ends.

But if your 4 year old was out there with them it would be 10000% better?

It's their wedding, whatever they want to do for the first dance is their choice. Your job is not to critique it all. You can choose when you get married.

This is why people don't want kids at the wedding. That PP thinks the sun shines out of her kid's butt. She doesn't care at all about the bride and groom, it's just a reason to get her kid dressed up and have their moment in the spotlight being 'adorable' during a couple's first dance. PPs kid isn't the reason people are there, as much as she seems to think. The bad parenting is pretty cringe.

No, that’s not what I said although I think a cute toddler dancing is much less cringe than an overrehearsed cringe dance routine or everyone staring at the couple slow dancing.

Only the parents of said toddler think this. Sorry adults dancing makes you so uncomfortable. Do you have many adult friends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are South Asian and of course had kids at our wedding. But my cousin's kid wailed throughout my ceremony and my cousin didn't have the sense to take the kid outside of the hall. Years later, that same cousin's other kid almost ruined a couple's first dance bc the parents couldn't be bothered to keep their kid away from the dance floor for a few minutes.

This is to say, I understand why people exclude kids from weddings. It's not about the kids, it's about the entitled/clueless parents of said kids that don't remove their kid or correct their behavior.

See, a lot of people would find it really cute that a kid occupies the dance floor during the first dance. If I were the bride, I would love it and cherish those pics. Sadly, no kid came up to us during the dance, but I do have hilarious pics of kid shenanigans during other parts of my wedding - they're the best! I'm French, had my wedding in a castle in France, and all the kids were running around, petting the horses of the horse-drawn carriage (under supervision), running into the garden or the fields... it was carefree and exactly what I thought should happen.

The root of the problem is a fundamental difference in how certain adults view the presence of children, who naturally understand the world differently from adults. Childhood is so short and precious. Most of the world understands that this is a time to be understanding of their needs, not try to straight-jacket them into unnecessary decorum. The decorum gets learned every day. My kids are now young adults and teens. They and their cousins have absorbed all the required mannerisms to be courteous adults. They are none of the worse for being invited to weddings and being allowed to express themselves.

This isn’t cute. At all. Why would you think its cure for kids to upstage the couple for the first dance? The kids can slide on their knees the next 30 songs.

and herein lies the delusion. You’re not famous - nobody wants to see your first dance as if you were on Broadway. There is no “upstaging” unless you are impossibly self-centered.

But they don't want to see your kids either. The bride and groom paid for the party. It's their party. Your kids are tolerated at best. If you want your kid on the stage performing, send them to dance class where there is a recital.

why would you invite people you’re so hostile towards? Seriously. why make such a big deal if it’s just “a party”?

I think there are some reasonable points here made about worsening discipline, the expense of hosting your mom’s coworker’s kids, etc. But some people don’t quite seem to get that the reason people make an effort and sometimes go to great cost to attend weddings is because they are more than just “a party.”

Why would you go to a wedding if you begrudge the couple their first dance? How self centered are you?

i don’t begrudge them the first dance but I do think this idea that they are broadway stars everyone is rapt to see is a bit cringe. No matter how well they dance it’s always a bit cringe and everyone is relieved when it ends.

But if your 4 year old was out there with them it would be 10000% better?

It's their wedding, whatever they want to do for the first dance is their choice. Your job is not to critique it all. You can choose when you get married.

This is why people don't want kids at the wedding. That PP thinks the sun shines out of her kid's butt. She doesn't care at all about the bride and groom, it's just a reason to get her kid dressed up and have their moment in the spotlight being 'adorable' during a couple's first dance. PPs kid isn't the reason people are there, as much as she seems to think. The bad parenting is pretty cringe.

No, that’s not what I said although I think a cute toddler dancing is much less cringe than an overrehearsed cringe dance routine or everyone staring at the couple slow dancing.

Only the parents of said toddler think this. Sorry adults dancing makes you so uncomfortable. Do you have many adult friends?

+1
My wedding isn't your toddlers recital.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't go to my brother's second wedding because my kids weren't invited. I live out of state and all family was going to the wedding. By not inviting my kids it meant I couldn't go. I didn't want to anyway, so it was an easy decision. I didn't want to go because my family is clueless and abusive, and this was just another example of their cluelessness.

But had you wanted to attend, you could have left them home with your husband and gone alone. Or travel to the wedding area, and hire a sitter for your kids. There are many viable solutions

+1
It's fine to not attend a wedding if your kids aren't invited. But don't pretend it's some impossible task to attend if they aren't invited. There are any options available. If you don't want to choose them, fine, but that's your choice. You are choosing not to attend. Own it.

It can be an impossible task. We never used babysitters. So, leaving for a weekend or 4 days would be a big deal for a kid who has never left. I wouldn't impose on friends and while we have family who could help, they've never offered to watch our kid for a day let alone a few days so we could vacation. So, we'd decline as I'm not spending $1-2K on a babysitter, not traveling to a different place to leave my kid with a stranger as that's a safety issue, and not imposing on friends. It makes no sense to spend thousands to go to a wedding in less very close friends or family and if our kid isn't family, then neither are we.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's fine for random friends' kids, but my 12 year old would be sad if she was not invited to her uncle's wedding.

And it's alright for her to be sad. Not everything is about her. 12 is a fine age to learn that.

A 12 year old should be invited. Or, she learns she isn't family. Hope this uncle doesn't expect the 12 year old to babysit his kids or have a relationship.