Sad about no longer being attracted to DW

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love my wife and I love our family. We have 2 beautiful children, common values, and compatible parenting styles. DW is smart and has a successful career. I respect her and I am grateful to her for giving us our children.

That being said, she let herself go after the kids were born. She is an attractive woman, but she put on quite a bit of weight (the youngest is 8 by now), and she frequently looks frumpy. Of course I would never dare to say anything and would never cheat, but I am just sad and an anonymous forum is the only place I can admit it.

Flame away.

Go hire more childcare and drivers in the AM and after school. Or you do more. And hire a cook for the children who makes calorie rich kid food and different for those over age 40.

That way she can take a 7am Pilates class or one after work or at 9pm.

She needs more self care and Me Time. So take mental load and time load off her plate. And onto yours or hired help.

I did that for my workaholic husband who wasn’t doing a thing for the household. Signed him up for an exercise class. He needed the accountability.

Getting a trainer to the house 3x a week works too. Do it.

I’m thinking of doing this - how was it received?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not going to flame you. I really appreciate that my DH has stayed in excellent shape during our 25 year marriage. No belly. Nice muscle tone. Always smells good. Dresses well. Of course, I would still love him if he got fat and dressed poorly but I wouldn't be turned on. Drive fade over time anyway; I definitely don't need a disgust factor pushing mine lower. I think staying attractive is even more important for a woman since men are such visual creatures. I exercise and watch my weight carefully because it makes me feel good, but my primary motivation is staying attractive for my husband. Would he still love me if I didn't? I think yes. But I'm sure he wouldn't be as attracted to or proud of me. It's a tough spot you're in - I think you're right that you can't say anything. But if she ever volunteers that she wishes she had more time for exercise or that she wishes she could get her eating under control, definitely jump in and tell her you'll do whatever you can to support her. I've had periods of flabbiness during our marriage - took the longest time bouncing back after the third kid - I'm talking 10 extra pounds but I hated the way I looked and felt. And my husband (wisely) never said a word, but when I mentioned joining a gym, he eagerly said, "I'll help you make that happen. Whatever I need to do, so you can have that time." It was nice - also confirmed to me that he'd noticed the extra pounds too and wanted to support me in taking them off.

Yes, SAHM, we got it on your last post.

This is a DP. I am the 1st SAHM. I've been married 20 years and thankful to DH for his comments but not because I could stay more attractive to him, but because I never knew I could be this fit, run this fast, ect... I am almost 50 and feel the same as I did at 30. He's not my primary motivation at all.

DP here. I’m in my mid forties and in good shape. I’m not the same as before I had kids. I birthed three kids but I have not let myself go. At age 40, I was the same weight as my pre pregnancy weight. I was determined to lose my baby weight and I did. It took effort.

Then Covid hit and I put on 15 pounds. I lost 10 and then gained another 5. I’m basically 10 pounds heavier than my age 30 weight. I was 120 before kids and now 130. I have friends who try to look good for their husbands. I try to look good for myself and less concerned about Dh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not going to flame you. I really appreciate that my DH has stayed in excellent shape during our 25 year marriage. No belly. Nice muscle tone. Always smells good. Dresses well. Of course, I would still love him if he got fat and dressed poorly but I wouldn't be turned on. Drive fade over time anyway; I definitely don't need a disgust factor pushing mine lower. I think staying attractive is even more important for a woman since men are such visual creatures. I exercise and watch my weight carefully because it makes me feel good, but my primary motivation is staying attractive for my husband. Would he still love me if I didn't? I think yes. But I'm sure he wouldn't be as attracted to or proud of me. It's a tough spot you're in - I think you're right that you can't say anything. But if she ever volunteers that she wishes she had more time for exercise or that she wishes she could get her eating under control, definitely jump in and tell her you'll do whatever you can to support her. I've had periods of flabbiness during our marriage - took the longest time bouncing back after the third kid - I'm talking 10 extra pounds but I hated the way I looked and felt. And my husband (wisely) never said a word, but when I mentioned joining a gym, he eagerly said, "I'll help you make that happen. Whatever I need to do, so you can have that time." It was nice - also confirmed to me that he'd noticed the extra pounds too and wanted to support me in taking them off.

Yes, SAHM, we got it on your last post.

This is a DP. I am the 1st SAHM. I've been married 20 years and thankful to DH for his comments but not because I could stay more attractive to him, but because I never knew I could be this fit, run this fast, ect... I am almost 50 and feel the same as I did at 30. He's not my primary motivation at all.

DP here. I’m in my mid forties and in good shape. I’m not the same as before I had kids. I birthed three kids but I have not let myself go. At age 40, I was the same weight as my pre pregnancy weight. I was determined to lose my baby weight and I did. It took effort.

Then Covid hit and I put on 15 pounds. I lost 10 and then gained another 5. I’m basically 10 pounds heavier than my age 30 weight. I was 120 before kids and now 130. I have friends who try to look good for their husbands. I try to look good for myself and less concerned about Dh.

What does this have to do with OP’s situation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People that choose to be "sad" instead of doing something about a problem are pathetic.

Agree. So I got divorced, got happy, lost weight, and became more attractive.

Good for you, pp! The divorced women I know look fabulous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not going to flame you. I really appreciate that my DH has stayed in excellent shape during our 25 year marriage. No belly. Nice muscle tone. Always smells good. Dresses well. Of course, I would still love him if he got fat and dressed poorly but I wouldn't be turned on. Drive fade over time anyway; I definitely don't need a disgust factor pushing mine lower. I think staying attractive is even more important for a woman since men are such visual creatures. I exercise and watch my weight carefully because it makes me feel good, but my primary motivation is staying attractive for my husband. Would he still love me if I didn't? I think yes. But I'm sure he wouldn't be as attracted to or proud of me. It's a tough spot you're in - I think you're right that you can't say anything. But if she ever volunteers that she wishes she had more time for exercise or that she wishes she could get her eating under control, definitely jump in and tell her you'll do whatever you can to support her. I've had periods of flabbiness during our marriage - took the longest time bouncing back after the third kid - I'm talking 10 extra pounds but I hated the way I looked and felt. And my husband (wisely) never said a word, but when I mentioned joining a gym, he eagerly said, "I'll help you make that happen. Whatever I need to do, so you can have that time." It was nice - also confirmed to me that he'd noticed the extra pounds too and wanted to support me in taking them off.

Yes, SAHM, we got it on your last post.

This is a DP. I am the 1st SAHM. I've been married 20 years and thankful to DH for his comments but not because I could stay more attractive to him, but because I never knew I could be this fit, run this fast, ect... I am almost 50 and feel the same as I did at 30. He's not my primary motivation at all.

DP here. I’m in my mid forties and in good shape. I’m not the same as before I had kids. I birthed three kids but I have not let myself go. At age 40, I was the same weight as my pre pregnancy weight. I was determined to lose my baby weight and I did. It took effort.

Then Covid hit and I put on 15 pounds. I lost 10 and then gained another 5. I’m basically 10 pounds heavier than my age 30 weight. I was 120 before kids and now 130. I have friends who try to look good for their husbands. I try to look good for myself and less concerned about Dh.

What does this have to do with OP’s situation?

The comment is that the OP’s wife has to want to do it for herself, not necessarily to attract OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not going to flame you. I really appreciate that my DH has stayed in excellent shape during our 25 year marriage. No belly. Nice muscle tone. Always smells good. Dresses well. Of course, I would still love him if he got fat and dressed poorly but I wouldn't be turned on. Drive fade over time anyway; I definitely don't need a disgust factor pushing mine lower. I think staying attractive is even more important for a woman since men are such visual creatures. I exercise and watch my weight carefully because it makes me feel good, but my primary motivation is staying attractive for my husband. Would he still love me if I didn't? I think yes. But I'm sure he wouldn't be as attracted to or proud of me. It's a tough spot you're in - I think you're right that you can't say anything. But if she ever volunteers that she wishes she had more time for exercise or that she wishes she could get her eating under control, definitely jump in and tell her you'll do whatever you can to support her. I've had periods of flabbiness during our marriage - took the longest time bouncing back after the third kid - I'm talking 10 extra pounds but I hated the way I looked and felt. And my husband (wisely) never said a word, but when I mentioned joining a gym, he eagerly said, "I'll help you make that happen. Whatever I need to do, so you can have that time." It was nice - also confirmed to me that he'd noticed the extra pounds too and wanted to support me in taking them off.

Yes, SAHM, we got it on your last post.

That was my first post here and I didn't read anything other than the first OP before replying.
-Working mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People that choose to be "sad" instead of doing something about a problem are pathetic.

Agree. So I got divorced, got happy, lost weight, and became more attractive.

If you had done that while married, you probably woldn't be divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not going to flame you. I really appreciate that my DH has stayed in excellent shape during our 25 year marriage. No belly. Nice muscle tone. Always smells good. Dresses well. Of course, I would still love him if he got fat and dressed poorly but I wouldn't be turned on. Drive fade over time anyway; I definitely don't need a disgust factor pushing mine lower. I think staying attractive is even more important for a woman since men are such visual creatures. I exercise and watch my weight carefully because it makes me feel good, but my primary motivation is staying attractive for my husband. Would he still love me if I didn't? I think yes. But I'm sure he wouldn't be as attracted to or proud of me. It's a tough spot you're in - I think you're right that you can't say anything. But if she ever volunteers that she wishes she had more time for exercise or that she wishes she could get her eating under control, definitely jump in and tell her you'll do whatever you can to support her. I've had periods of flabbiness during our marriage - took the longest time bouncing back after the third kid - I'm talking 10 extra pounds but I hated the way I looked and felt. And my husband (wisely) never said a word, but when I mentioned joining a gym, he eagerly said, "I'll help you make that happen. Whatever I need to do, so you can have that time." It was nice - also confirmed to me that he'd noticed the extra pounds too and wanted to support me in taking them off.

Yes, SAHM, we got it on your last post.

This is a DP. I am the 1st SAHM. I've been married 20 years and thankful to DH for his comments but not because I could stay more attractive to him, but because I never knew I could be this fit, run this fast, ect... I am almost 50 and feel the same as I did at 30. He's not my primary motivation at all.

DP here. I’m in my mid forties and in good shape. I’m not the same as before I had kids. I birthed three kids but I have not let myself go. At age 40, I was the same weight as my pre pregnancy weight. I was determined to lose my baby weight and I did. It took effort.

Then Covid hit and I put on 15 pounds. I lost 10 and then gained another 5. I’m basically 10 pounds heavier than my age 30 weight. I was 120 before kids and now 130. I have friends who try to look good for their husbands. I try to look good for myself and less concerned about Dh.

Good for you!
This stuff reminds me of people who found a devotion to God in adulthood.
I mean, good for you, and I’m glad that you have found something that is meaningful to you in your life. But it’s not really applicable to me.

[Anonymous]

My guess is Op has hit that certain age when his sex drive is (naturally) down. This is not a medical problem. This problem is: he's not in his 20's, not a teenager anymore. He's not turned on, not nearly as easily. His -only- thought is --- it's his wife. It's her fault. It's how she looks.

Op, you don't understand enough about the male hormones, and aging, and your sex drive. This is on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My guess is Op has hit that certain age when his sex drive is (naturally) down. This is not a medical problem. This problem is: he's not in his 20's, not a teenager anymore. He's not turned on, not nearly as easily. His -only- thought is --- it's his wife. It's her fault. It's how she looks.

Op, you don't understand enough about the male hormones, and aging, and your sex drive. This is on you.

I'm in a similar situation as the OP and I'm going to say it's a bit of both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not going to flame you. I really appreciate that my DH has stayed in excellent shape during our 25 year marriage. No belly. Nice muscle tone. Always smells good. Dresses well. Of course, I would still love him if he got fat and dressed poorly but I wouldn't be turned on. Drive fade over time anyway; I definitely don't need a disgust factor pushing mine lower. I think staying attractive is even more important for a woman since men are such visual creatures. I exercise and watch my weight carefully because it makes me feel good, but my primary motivation is staying attractive for my husband. Would he still love me if I didn't? I think yes. But I'm sure he wouldn't be as attracted to or proud of me. It's a tough spot you're in - I think you're right that you can't say anything. But if she ever volunteers that she wishes she had more time for exercise or that she wishes she could get her eating under control, definitely jump in and tell her you'll do whatever you can to support her. I've had periods of flabbiness during our marriage - took the longest time bouncing back after the third kid - I'm talking 10 extra pounds but I hated the way I looked and felt. And my husband (wisely) never said a word, but when I mentioned joining a gym, he eagerly said, "I'll help you make that happen. Whatever I need to do, so you can have that time." It was nice - also confirmed to me that he'd noticed the extra pounds too and wanted to support me in taking them off.

Yes, SAHM, we got it on your last post.

This is a DP. I am the 1st SAHM. I've been married 20 years and thankful to DH for his comments but not because I could stay more attractive to him, but because I never knew I could be this fit, run this fast, ect... I am almost 50 and feel the same as I did at 30. He's not my primary motivation at all.

DP here. I’m in my mid forties and in good shape. I’m not the same as before I had kids. I birthed three kids but I have not let myself go. At age 40, I was the same weight as my pre pregnancy weight. I was determined to lose my baby weight and I did. It took effort.

Then Covid hit and I put on 15 pounds. I lost 10 and then gained another 5. I’m basically 10 pounds heavier than my age 30 weight. I was 120 before kids and now 130. I have friends who try to look good for their husbands. I try to look good for myself and less concerned about Dh.

Good for you!
This stuff reminds me of people who found a devotion to God in adulthood.
I mean, good for you, and I’m glad that you have found something that is meaningful to you in your life. But it’s not really applicable to me.

Are you OP?

Pp here. I like to be active. DH and I have put on a few pounds. I love DH but he just seems a lot unhealthier recently. I have been suggesting more outdoor time and I encourage him to be active with our children.

Going biking or walking isn’t going to have the wife lose 70 pounds but it encourages a healthy lifestyle. Running and swimming are what keep me in shape. Maybe suggest doing pickleball or tennis together or with kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People that choose to be "sad" instead of doing something about a problem are pathetic.

Agree. So I got divorced, got happy, lost weight, and became more attractive.

If you had done that while married, you probably woldn't be divorced.

If you had two wheels you'd be a bicycle. Getting happy came before losing weight

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love my wife and I love our family. We have 2 beautiful children, common values, and compatible parenting styles. DW is smart and has a successful career. I respect her and I am grateful to her for giving us our children.

That being said, she let herself go after the kids were born. She is an attractive woman, but she put on quite a bit of weight (the youngest is 8 by now), and she frequently looks frumpy. Of course I would never dare to say anything and would never cheat, but I am just sad and an anonymous forum is the only place I can admit it.

Flame away.

Go hire more childcare and drivers in the AM and after school. Or you do more. And hire a cook for the children who makes calorie rich kid food and different for those over age 40.

That way she can take a 7am Pilates class or one after work or at 9pm.

She needs more self care and Me Time. So take mental load and time load off her plate. And onto yours or hired help.

I did that for my workaholic husband who wasn’t doing a thing for the household. Signed him up for an exercise class. He needed the accountability.

Getting a trainer to the house 3x a week works too. Do it.

I’m thinking of doing this - how was it received?

Fine. He was in the obese bmi category so had to ease into things.

Knowing we were paying through the nose, I wasnt going to say Why aren’t you helping then kids (he took this out of early AM work email time so no loss there. Still not ideal), and the coach teacher was expecting him and would email, helped.

Needed a third party, not me.

Nutritionist would help too. He almost omitted truths to his GP so that was a lost cause.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel you. I don't understand why people pretend attraction is controllable. You can control your behavior but you cannot control your basic physical responses.

I am 50 with three young kids. I weigh about 30 pounds over my wedding weight. I don't deny that I am fat and less attractive. If my DH is less attracted to me because of this, it is his own deal. I do not control his sexuality. I freely admit I gained weight because of various life stresses, less time to work out and eating as if I'm still thirty and a gym rat.

It is what it is. Your feelings are your own as long as you do your duty.

Yes people can control who they are attracted to. It’s highly socialized. Some societies are more attracted to fat people. Its all in your head.

Absolutely not. I don't find fat people attractive at all - wife here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love my wife and I love our family. We have 2 beautiful children, common values, and compatible parenting styles. DW is smart and has a successful career. I respect her and I am grateful to her for giving us our children.

That being said, she let herself go after the kids were born. She is an attractive woman, but she put on quite a bit of weight (the youngest is 8 by now), and she frequently looks frumpy. Of course I would never dare to say anything and would never cheat, but I am just sad and an anonymous forum is the only place I can admit it.

Flame away.

Why even bother posting if you still love her and you don't plan on cheating??