Neither AC wants kids. I can't help feeling like I failed.

[Anonymous]

I can't relate. I am mid 40s. I never wanted kids. I have 2. It's miserable. Working and having kids as a mother sucks.

I wish I had been born 10-15 years later when now the pressure is not there like it was for me.

I would be thrilled if my kids don't want kids. Mine are still elementary.

I have no interest in being in my 60s or 70s having to deal with grandkids. No thanks.

I will deal with whatever makes them happy.

Just because you had kids does not mean your kids will have the same life...and that is okay.

[Anonymous]

OP this is called grief, and it's absolutely okay to grieve the future you thought you'd have but most likely won't. Talk to a therapist to process these feelings before lashing out at your kids. It's okay to feel any way you feel, it's what you do about those feelings that matters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you should rent this documentary film on Vimeo and try to grasp how your AC feel about having children.

https://myselfishlife.com/upcoming-events

So I actually went and watched this and it wasn't really that earth shattering. Not sure why it keeps being recommended here. Sure, women should have the ability to decide for themselves what they want (even a tubal) at whatever age they want. Sure, they should be able to not have kids without judgment. And the women featured certainly made the case for their own decision and why it is what they want.

But, I found it to be little more than complaining. And don't we all complain for being judged about something? They also seemed somewhat contemptuous overall about people who decided to have kids, which rubbed me the wrong way.

All in all, it was "fine".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Getting married and intentionally deciding not to have kids is quite strange. This is not normal human behavior.

Works for us. Going on 30 yrs. Life is good!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't relate. I am mid 40s. I never wanted kids. I have 2. It's miserable. Working and having kids as a mother sucks.

I wish I had been born 10-15 years later when now the pressure is not there like it was for me.

I would be thrilled if my kids don't want kids. Mine are still elementary.

I have no interest in being in my 60s or 70s having to deal with grandkids. No thanks.

I will deal with whatever makes them happy.

Just because you had kids does not mean your kids will have the same life...and that is okay.

Ugh this pains me. Yes kids are hard. But I am mid-40s as well and know plenty of people who did NOT have kids by choice. You shouldn't have had them if you felt this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Such hypocritical replies. This board is populated with women who are probably the biggest social conservatives in the Western hemisphere (so many threads are about catching high-value men who can afford a SAHM) and for sure would be devastated if they didn't have grandkids. But it's easy to judge OP as regressive when her desires are in fact aligned with the general sentiments prominent on this board. Also, I can't believe that helicopter parents who spend so much time/resources on kids wouldn't be disappointed with OP's scenario.

I think if OP had posted that she was sad she wouldn't become a grandmother, she would have gotten a more sympathetic response. Instead, she called her kids selfish and says she failed (making it about her).

This hits the nail on the head and betrays that, somewhere inside, op knows why they don't want kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD has said she was a teen that she didn't want kids. Ha-ha ok you will change your mind is what everyone always told her. No, she's never wavered. She's in her late 20s and has been married for 3 years now (with her husband for 8 years total). She just told me that she found a doctor who was willing to do a tubal ligation so she could be done with birth control. It felt like a gut punch when she told me.

DS is in his early 30s and is getting married this fall. He's been with his fiancée for 4 years and they too have told us they have zero desire for kids. I thought for sure they would have kids as she's an elementary teacher and works at a kids camp in the summer.

How do I get over these feelings of failure? I know I raised great kids but at the same time, I feel like both are being selfish and it makes me angry. Is this something therapy helps with?

You did not fail.

You raised smart intelligent children

Have you read a newspaper lately?

My children are grown wonderful humans they will not be having children.

No way will they bring children into the US while there is a strong chance this country continues it's slow roll to fascism.
And look at the antivaxers. And the dumbing down of the education system. Project 2025 repercussions for women.

Trump might have the nuclear codes again.
Trump has most likely already sold National Secrets how do you think this will end for our grandchildren?

What is happening in the world now is not a place I would bring another human into.

I completely understand my children's stance on this.

And my kids have unlimited cash, we are extremely wealthy, still hell no.

Let the bible thumpers keep procreating and destroy themselves.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP. I have a friend going through this now. She has always been very involved with her children's lives- they have been her pride and joy and all have taken all of the steps that a parent might envision (based on previous generations- not today's) - went to good schools, followed by good careers and then beautiful weddings/marriage. One would think that one of the 3 children would have children but they have all decided not to for different reasons. My friend is heartbroken. Your feelings are normal. Just like any other species, we have an innate desire to continue our genetic line so I completely see why you are struggling with this. I can also assure you my friend's children love her very much and their decisions aren't due to their mother's parenting so disregard the mean posters who blame you. Like others, I recommend therapy to help you get your head around this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD has said she was a teen that she didn't want kids. Ha-ha ok you will change your mind is what everyone always told her. No, she's never wavered. She's in her late 20s and has been married for 3 years now (with her husband for 8 years total). She just told me that she found a doctor who was willing to do a tubal ligation so she could be done with birth control. It felt like a gut punch when she told me.

DS is in his early 30s and is getting married this fall. He's been with his fiancée for 4 years and they too have told us they have zero desire for kids. I thought for sure they would have kids as she's an elementary teacher and works at a kids camp in the summer.

How do I get over these feelings of failure? I know I raised great kids but at the same time, I feel like both are being selfish and it makes me angry. Is this something therapy helps with?

You did not fail.

You raised smart intelligent children

Have you read a newspaper lately?

My children are grown wonderful humans they will not be having children.

No way will they bring children into the US while there is a strong chance this country continues it's slow roll to fascism.
And look at the antivaxers. And the dumbing down of the education system. Project 2025 repercussions for women.

Trump might have the nuclear codes again.
Trump has most likely already sold National Secrets how do you think this will end for our grandchildren?

What is happening in the world now is not a place I would bring another human into.

I completely understand my children's stance on this.

And my kids have unlimited cash, we are extremely wealthy, still hell no.

Let the bible thumpers keep procreating and destroy themselves.

You and your children need to get off the internet + SM and stop letting Donald Trump influence your entire worldview. This century has been remarkably good all things considered. Imagine growing up in the 20th with multiple world wars, great depression, horrific overt racism and inequality. Get off your phone ffs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would feel sad, too, Op. I think your feelings are normal.

Being disappointed is normal. Feeling like a failure and calling her kids selfish is not.

THIS! I think all of us with kids probably look forward to grandkids some day, but a failure? No. Your kids are selfish? Not at all. Be disappointed but understand this is your issue and then move on.

[Anonymous]

Maybe they're just trying to ensure that there's no possibility of you outliving a grandchild. Many people say that there's nothing worse than a parent outliving their child, but those people are wrong. There is something worse; a grandparent outliving their grandchild. If you never have grandkids while you're alive, you'll never have to worry about outliving any of your grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Getting married and intentionally deciding not to have kids is quite strange. This is not normal human behavior.

Works for us. Going on 30 yrs. Life is good!

Us too! 33 years together. One of the reasons we fell in love is neither of us wanted kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't relate. I am mid 40s. I never wanted kids. I have 2. It's miserable. Working and having kids as a mother sucks.

I wish I had been born 10-15 years later when now the pressure is not there like it was for me.

I would be thrilled if my kids don't want kids. Mine are still elementary.

I have no interest in being in my 60s or 70s having to deal with grandkids. No thanks.

I will deal with whatever makes them happy.

Just because you had kids does not mean your kids will have the same life...and that is okay.

Ugh this pains me. Yes kids are hard. But I am mid-40s as well and know plenty of people who did NOT have kids by choice. You shouldn't have had them if you felt this way.

Yeah, agree, if you didn't want kids, you shouldn't have had them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD has said she was a teen that she didn't want kids. Ha-ha ok you will change your mind is what everyone always told her. No, she's never wavered. She's in her late 20s and has been married for 3 years now (with her husband for 8 years total). She just told me that she found a doctor who was willing to do a tubal ligation so she could be done with birth control. It felt like a gut punch when she told me.

DS is in his early 30s and is getting married this fall. He's been with his fiancée for 4 years and they too have told us they have zero desire for kids. I thought for sure they would have kids as she's an elementary teacher and works at a kids camp in the summer.

How do I get over these feelings of failure? I know I raised great kids but at the same time, I feel like both are being selfish and it makes me angry. Is this something therapy helps with?

You did not fail.

You raised smart intelligent children

Have you read a newspaper lately?

My children are grown wonderful humans they will not be having children.

No way will they bring children into the US while there is a strong chance this country continues it's slow roll to fascism.
And look at the antivaxers. And the dumbing down of the education system. Project 2025 repercussions for women.

Trump might have the nuclear codes again.
Trump has most likely already sold National Secrets how do you think this will end for our grandchildren?

What is happening in the world now is not a place I would bring another human into.

I completely understand my children's stance on this.

And my kids have unlimited cash, we are extremely wealthy, still hell no.

Let the bible thumpers keep procreating and destroy themselves.

You and your children need to get off the internet + SM and stop letting Donald Trump influence your entire worldview. This century has been remarkably good all things considered. Imagine growing up in the 20th with multiple world wars, great depression, horrific overt racism and inequality. Get off your phone ffs.

+100. Thank goodness PP won’t have descendants. There’s no need to propagate mental illness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD has said she was a teen that she didn't want kids. Ha-ha ok you will change your mind is what everyone always told her. No, she's never wavered. She's in her late 20s and has been married for 3 years now (with her husband for 8 years total). She just told me that she found a doctor who was willing to do a tubal ligation so she could be done with birth control. It felt like a gut punch when she told me.

DS is in his early 30s and is getting married this fall. He's been with his fiancée for 4 years and they too have told us they have zero desire for kids. I thought for sure they would have kids as she's an elementary teacher and works at a kids camp in the summer.

How do I get over these feelings of failure? I know I raised great kids but at the same time, I feel like both are being selfish and it makes me angry. Is this something therapy helps with?

You did not fail.

You raised smart intelligent children

Have you read a newspaper lately?

My children are grown wonderful humans they will not be having children.

No way will they bring children into the US while there is a strong chance this country continues it's slow roll to fascism.
And look at the antivaxers. And the dumbing down of the education system. Project 2025 repercussions for women.

Trump might have the nuclear codes again.
Trump has most likely already sold National Secrets how do you think this will end for our grandchildren?

What is happening in the world now is not a place I would bring another human into.

I completely understand my children's stance on this.

And my kids have unlimited cash, we are extremely wealthy, still hell no.

Let the bible thumpers keep procreating and destroy themselves.

You and your children need to get off the internet + SM and stop letting Donald Trump influence your entire worldview. This century has been remarkably good all things considered. Imagine growing up in the 20th with multiple world wars, great depression, horrific overt racism and inequality. Get off your phone ffs.

+100. Thank goodness PP won’t have descendants. There’s no need to propagate mental illness.

Why can’t you make your point or argument without being such a prick?