Giving up on Gentle Parenting

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Clearly people dont even understand what gentle parenting is (or supposed to be), no wonder it isnt working lol.

I love that parents who admit to yelling at their kids think they are superior to gentle-parenting. Yes, yes verbal abuse sounds much healthier! Congrats!

You do know there’s a middle ground, right? Gentle parenting is letting the kids decide their bedtime letting their kid have ice cream instead of a healthy balanced dinner, giving their kid the lollipop when they demand it because you’re afraid to say no. Some of us can have boundaries and rules and be consistent about them without screaming at our kids.

Honestly I think gentle parenting is somewhat abusive…you are leading your kid to build zero resilience, zero exposure to frustration, zero practice not getting their way—so real life hits and they will understandably not cope and then they’re blamed for being a bad kid or having some disability they don’t really have.

I dont think you understand gentle parenting. Which is fine, but dont trash it if you clearly dont actually understand what it is or means. Especially the second bolded, is absolutely not true.

So then tell me what your definition of gentle parenting is. Because I always assumed it was the permissive parent, the one that asks the kids to stop instead of tells them, and doesn’t actually stop them if they’re doing something they shouldn’t, they just stand there, talking. Give me an example of gentle parenting so I understand. And like I said, I don’t yell at my kids—I do listen to their feelings and needs, I just also have boundaries and they have consequences if behaviors persist.

here is an example:
https://visiblechild.com/2015/10/02/theres-no-trying-in-limit-setting/

To me, this is authoritative parenting. You set the limits and you make sure it happens, but without yelling or punishments. It takes time, but you stick to your word. I’m the pp who you said didn’t understand gentle parenting. I think you and I just have different perspectives on it. To me….

Gentle parents let their kids not wash their hands at all because the kids say no and then the parents say they aren’t feeling ready for it and they don’t want to coerce their bodies to doing something they don’t want to do. Gentle parents let their kids just say “toilet words” because they tried to get them to stop, but can’t because they have no control over their kids so they tell themselves it’s okay because the kids are autonomous. Gentle parents don’t actually see how bad their kids are because they’re so used to it, but everyone else sees it.

DP. It's obvious that you've just decided in your own head that gentle parenting refers to super peissive parenting and nothing anyone says will change your mind. People have provided numerous examples of gentle parenting advocacy that shows the advice is in line with authoritative parenting. Your response is just to make up examples. But can you find a single gentle parenting advocate who tells parents to let their kids not wash their hands or use "toilet words" all the time?

What brand of parenting did your parents use that kee you to believe that words can mean whatever you personally dictate they mean?

I’m not that pp but I think what they mean is that this is what happens in reality, not what gentle parenting actually endorses. Gentle parenting is incredibly, horrifically exhausting. I DO hold those firm boundaries and calmly physically force my toddler to do essential things she doesn’t want to do ( hands washing, diaper change, etc). Your choices are endure a physical struggle and screaming while you “Help” a screaming, crying child 15-20 times a day or give up and avoid conflict and only do things you know your kid won’t fight because you dread the struggle (permissive parenting). I persevere but it’s very, very hard and involves gritting my teeth and smiling through tantrums literally all day long. I totally understand why parents aren’t up for it. Gentle parenting tells us kids will get with the program and stop tantruming over every no and every transition. Ya well some don’t. Ever. Gentle parenting has no answers for this.

NP- I mean so what is the alternative to this? Screaming at a three year old? Explain how non gentle parenting strategies work better here.

“If you’re too tired to behave, you’ll have to go to bed (or to your room).”

I’m a pretty regulated parent and I rarely yell. But it’s simply not true in my opinion that kids will stop tantruming as a result. I’ve gotten better results from the above script.

It’s not that I don’t empathize, as it is important. But sometimes in life you have to tolerate distress and stop with the screaming.

Yeah this is a no with gentle parenting. I think I watched something just last week where Dr. Becky discussed time outs or being sent to their room. She said kids learn from that that they have to hide their real emotions because you can't tolerate anything but "good behavior" and that it causes more issues in the long run.

So screaming is out, spanking is out, time outs are out. Just expecting the parent to stay calm, happy and ask little larlo to stop doing something for the zillionth time that day. It makes for some really unenjoyable parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gentle parenting is B ulll slt

And time outs are banned. Schools, centers, daycares are told to not use time outs. It bad.

Talk to your kids. Give dicipline. Don't be permissive or spoiling your kids. They will get kicked out from prek. for misbehaving.

Be angry but not act on it. I'm bilingual. I say it in Spanish.
Tel the child cry if u want, stay there. When you're calm you can come play. Let them have a place to relax.

This is just gentle parenting mixed with "if I say it in Spanish, it doesn't count."

Write a parenting book, it would sell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Clearly people dont even understand what gentle parenting is (or supposed to be), no wonder it isnt working lol.

I love that parents who admit to yelling at their kids think they are superior to gentle-parenting. Yes, yes verbal abuse sounds much healthier! Congrats!

You do know there’s a middle ground, right? Gentle parenting is letting the kids decide their bedtime letting their kid have ice cream instead of a healthy balanced dinner, giving their kid the lollipop when they demand it because you’re afraid to say no. Some of us can have boundaries and rules and be consistent about them without screaming at our kids.

Honestly I think gentle parenting is somewhat abusive…you are leading your kid to build zero resilience, zero exposure to frustration, zero practice not getting their way—so real life hits and they will understandably not cope and then they’re blamed for being a bad kid or having some disability they don’t really have.

I dont think you understand gentle parenting. Which is fine, but dont trash it if you clearly dont actually understand what it is or means. Especially the second bolded, is absolutely not true.

So then tell me what your definition of gentle parenting is. Because I always assumed it was the permissive parent, the one that asks the kids to stop instead of tells them, and doesn’t actually stop them if they’re doing something they shouldn’t, they just stand there, talking. Give me an example of gentle parenting so I understand. And like I said, I don’t yell at my kids—I do listen to their feelings and needs, I just also have boundaries and they have consequences if behaviors persist.

here is an example:
https://visiblechild.com/2015/10/02/theres-no-trying-in-limit-setting/

To me, this is authoritative parenting. You set the limits and you make sure it happens, but without yelling or punishments. It takes time, but you stick to your word. I’m the pp who you said didn’t understand gentle parenting. I think you and I just have different perspectives on it. To me….

Gentle parents let their kids not wash their hands at all because the kids say no and then the parents say they aren’t feeling ready for it and they don’t want to coerce their bodies to doing something they don’t want to do. Gentle parents let their kids just say “toilet words” because they tried to get them to stop, but can’t because they have no control over their kids so they tell themselves it’s okay because the kids are autonomous. Gentle parents don’t actually see how bad their kids are because they’re so used to it, but everyone else sees it.

DP. It's obvious that you've just decided in your own head that gentle parenting refers to super peissive parenting and nothing anyone says will change your mind. People have provided numerous examples of gentle parenting advocacy that shows the advice is in line with authoritative parenting. Your response is just to make up examples. But can you find a single gentle parenting advocate who tells parents to let their kids not wash their hands or use "toilet words" all the time?

What brand of parenting did your parents use that kee you to believe that words can mean whatever you personally dictate they mean?

I’m not that pp but I think what they mean is that this is what happens in reality, not what gentle parenting actually endorses. Gentle parenting is incredibly, horrifically exhausting. I DO hold those firm boundaries and calmly physically force my toddler to do essential things she doesn’t want to do ( hands washing, diaper change, etc). Your choices are endure a physical struggle and screaming while you “Help” a screaming, crying child 15-20 times a day or give up and avoid conflict and only do things you know your kid won’t fight because you dread the struggle (permissive parenting). I persevere but it’s very, very hard and involves gritting my teeth and smiling through tantrums literally all day long. I totally understand why parents aren’t up for it. Gentle parenting tells us kids will get with the program and stop tantruming over every no and every transition. Ya well some don’t. Ever. Gentle parenting has no answers for this.

NP- I mean so what is the alternative to this? Screaming at a three year old? Explain how non gentle parenting strategies work better here.

“If you’re too tired to behave, you’ll have to go to bed (or to your room).”

I’m a pretty regulated parent and I rarely yell. But it’s simply not true in my opinion that kids will stop tantruming as a result. I’ve gotten better results from the above script.

It’s not that I don’t empathize, as it is important. But sometimes in life you have to tolerate distress and stop with the screaming.

Yeah this is a no with gentle parenting. I think I watched something just last week where Dr. Becky discussed time outs or being sent to their room. She said kids learn from that that they have to hide their real emotions because you can't tolerate anything but "good behavior" and that it causes more issues in the long run.

So screaming is out, spanking is out, time outs are out. Just expecting the parent to stay calm, happy and ask little larlo to stop doing something for the zillionth time that day. It makes for some really unenjoyable parenting.

Exactly. It’s extremely unsustainable.

I think that as with anything there’s a balance. My parents used the old “I’ll give you something to cry about“ to get me to stop crying and I don’t think that was healthy.

But I don’t think that means I just have endlessly tolerate screaming, even though constant screaming affects my ability to remain calm, that’s not a balance either. So the kid better knock it off or he’s going to bed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of the weirdest things about this thread is the idea that if we were just willing to do time outs they would work really well.

there’s nothing magical about time outs in particular, but they are generally the immediate negative consequence that is easiest for parents to do consistently. it doesn’t work for all kids. but if you don’t do time out you generally have to find some other immediate consequence the kid understands.

there are research based parent training protocols and they all involve negative and positive reinforcement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of the weirdest things about this thread is the idea that if we were just willing to do time outs they would work really well.

there’s nothing magical about time outs in particular, but they are generally the immediate negative consequence that is easiest for parents to do consistently. it doesn’t work for all kids. but if you don’t do time out you generally have to find some other immediate consequence the kid understands.

there are research based parent training protocols and they all involve negative and positive reinforcement.

Lol parents? But they are the ones seeking help with their kids 😂🤣

[Anonymous]

No timeouts

No gentle parenting


Talk to your kids and let them cry. So many good tips here for parents, single parents,etc. Muy bien

[Anonymous]

Is there something called intuitive parenting, where you don’t read books or blogs, and just set limits for your kids, tell them no when need be, and generally show them you care about them? I don’t care if people do time outs or sticker charts, or not, but I don’t understand feeling like you need to rigidly adhere to some “type” of parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there something called intuitive parenting, where you don’t read books or blogs, and just set limits for your kids, tell them no when need be, and generally show them you care about them? I don’t care if people do time outs or sticker charts, or not, but I don’t understand feeling like you need to rigidly adhere to some “type” of parenting.

As long as you are consistent from your child's POV. That's the challenge many parents have IMO and hence they turn to these self-help books to help them navigate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there something called intuitive parenting, where you don’t read books or blogs, and just set limits for your kids, tell them no when need be, and generally show them you care about them? I don’t care if people do time outs or sticker charts, or not, but I don’t understand feeling like you need to rigidly adhere to some “type” of parenting.

This is what I do and I think what my parents did and I think it works really well if you have a multi generational series of it working. But if you’re coming at parenting without a very good model for what good parenting looks like for the child you have it can be a lot harder to have a good sense of how to proportionately and appropriately address situations. Those are the people who look for (and write about I think) styles of parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there something called intuitive parenting, where you don’t read books or blogs, and just set limits for your kids, tell them no when need be, and generally show them you care about them? I don’t care if people do time outs or sticker charts, or not, but I don’t understand feeling like you need to rigidly adhere to some “type” of parenting.

yes it’s called “you got lucky with easy kids”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there something called intuitive parenting, where you don’t read books or blogs, and just set limits for your kids, tell them no when need be, and generally show them you care about them? I don’t care if people do time outs or sticker charts, or not, but I don’t understand feeling like you need to rigidly adhere to some “type” of parenting.

As long as you are consistent from your child's POV. That's the challenge many parents have IMO and hence they turn to these self-help books to help them navigate.

Yep— by my own admission my intuition stinks and the result of my uncertainty can be inconsistency. So— I’ve looked for overarching principles or rules for myself. Some have come from reading about authoritative parenting and some from me just deciding what I think is not ok and what seems like a logical consequence. I actually write down these rules so I can be consistent. I tried gentle parenting until my first was almost 5. He was a brat and I was angry and exhausted. I was gentle until I’d explode at DH or sometimes my son. I’d say we are still recovering from it 5 years later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there something called intuitive parenting, where you don’t read books or blogs, and just set limits for your kids, tell them no when need be, and generally show them you care about them? I don’t care if people do time outs or sticker charts, or not, but I don’t understand feeling like you need to rigidly adhere to some “type” of parenting.

This is what I do and I think what my parents did and I think it works really well if you have a multi generational series of it working. But if you’re coming at parenting without a very good model for what good parenting looks like for the child you have it can be a lot harder to have a good sense of how to proportionately and appropriately address situations. Those are the people who look for (and write about I think) styles of parenting.

I think I have poor intuition because my parents were quite harsh. I do need to put more thought into parenting than most.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there something called intuitive parenting, where you don’t read books or blogs, and just set limits for your kids, tell them no when need be, and generally show them you care about them? I don’t care if people do time outs or sticker charts, or not, but I don’t understand feeling like you need to rigidly adhere to some “type” of parenting.

As long as you are consistent from your child's POV. That's the challenge many parents have IMO and hence they turn to these self-help books to help them navigate.

Yep— by my own admission my intuition stinks and the result of my uncertainty can be inconsistency. So— I’ve looked for overarching principles or rules for myself. Some have come from reading about authoritative parenting and some from me just deciding what I think is not ok and what seems like a logical consequence. I actually write down these rules so I can be consistent. I tried gentle parenting until my first was almost 5. He was a brat and I was angry and exhausted. I was gentle until I’d explode at DH or sometimes my son. I’d say we are still recovering from it 5 years later.

Don't be so hard on yourself. My mom calls the firstborn the starter child where parents learn how to do everything. The next ones are easier after you figure things out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there something called intuitive parenting, where you don’t read books or blogs, and just set limits for your kids, tell them no when need be, and generally show them you care about them? I don’t care if people do time outs or sticker charts, or not, but I don’t understand feeling like you need to rigidly adhere to some “type” of parenting.

As long as you are consistent from your child's POV. That's the challenge many parents have IMO and hence they turn to these self-help books to help them navigate.

Yep— by my own admission my intuition stinks and the result of my uncertainty can be inconsistency. So— I’ve looked for overarching principles or rules for myself. Some have come from reading about authoritative parenting and some from me just deciding what I think is not ok and what seems like a logical consequence. I actually write down these rules so I can be consistent. I tried gentle parenting until my first was almost 5. He was a brat and I was angry and exhausted. I was gentle until I’d explode at DH or sometimes my son. I’d say we are still recovering from it 5 years later.

This is my problem with it. Gentle parenting requires a level of patience that pushes most parents to the brink and then they occasionally explode, which I’m starting to feel is more damaging than just generally being consistent but exhibiting less empathy and gentleness, which would feel more sustainable. I would like to see Janet Lansbury be consistently gentle and never explode after 3 years of severe sleep deprivation and 24 hours a day with a toddler who demands your attention and cries all day. Gentle parenting should come with a warning that you shouldn’t attempt it in certain circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there something called intuitive parenting, where you don’t read books or blogs, and just set limits for your kids, tell them no when need be, and generally show them you care about them? I don’t care if people do time outs or sticker charts, or not, but I don’t understand feeling like you need to rigidly adhere to some “type” of parenting.

This is what I do and I think what my parents did and I think it works really well if you have a multi generational series of it working. But if you’re coming at parenting without a very good model for what good parenting looks like for the child you have it can be a lot harder to have a good sense of how to proportionately and appropriately address situations. Those are the people who look for (and write about I think) styles of parenting.

This. I've written about this on these boards before, but I think the audience for "gentle parenting" is people who were abused as kids, or at least raised by emotionally immature parents who were inconsistent and manipulative and didn't set a model that you can follow.

I waited to have kids because of my own abusive/neglected childhood and being unsure I could break a long line of abusive parenting. I only had a kid when I felt confident I could, and I was immediately drawn to gentle parenting because it asserts that you can respond to your kid without yelling and hitting. I have never viewed it the way some on this thread seem too -- to me, it's just a WAY to set boundaries and discipline kids. Like you still set boundaries, have rules, have consequences, you just do it with emotional maturity that allows you to stay calm and not either lose your temper or give in to whatever your kid wants.

I think gentle parenting would be hard if I hadn't spent so long developing my own emotional maturity, working on my relationship with my spouse so that we can properly support each other, and making sure that my own emotional needs are being met so I don't feel like it's too much. I take plenty of breaks and no how to tell my kid or my partner "hey, I need a minute to myself so I don't say or do something I will regret" and then actually taking it.