Love DH but he’s low sex drive…considering a business trip affair

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad cheated on my mom, and as a result of the tremendous pain he caused her, mine if the kids respect him much anymore. The relationship is definitely far from ideal and irreparably damaged.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ I thought the same thing. My exhusband thought 2 times a week was sexless at 20 years- so he supplemented once a month with some other married ho. They Really did not expect the level of fallout that occurred to two families. All fun and games …

I suspect one reason OP is so willing to entertain this idea is because they seem to be empty nesters so she might think of her kids as unaffected if she gets caught. That's so naive of her; she's happy to risk her adult kids' respect for her. And adult kids, who understand what sex and cheating really mean, actually may be far angrier at a cheating parent than young kids could ever be. She also is arrogant enough she assumes her DH will never find out, her kids will never know, she'll never get caught. And she's using her DH's alcoholism as an excuse to cheat too. But she's already come back to say she's happy about responses which helped her justify her craving to cheat, so she won't ever see this post or think about her adult kids re: her cheating.

I’m an adult and it would not affect my respect and love for my parents one bit if one of them were to cheat. As an adult, I realize there’s more to a marriage than sex. They’ve put in the time; their bodies are their own.

Betrayal is huge. It would feel like a betrayal to the whole family to me.

You’re making it weirdly personal. If my mom cheated on my dad, it’d have nothing to do with me whatsoever. If I cheated on my DH, it would have nothing to do with my parents. It’s honestly their personal matter and that’s how I would see it. Boundaries .

Wrong. You can’t determine how your kids would feel. I know too many people that never got over a parent’s affair and it colored what they thought of them.

I’d be very disappointed to learn my child was a cheater in their marriage. They obviously didn’t learn values and I’d feel responsible. If it broke up the grandkids’ home it would be very disappointing.

Cheating runs in families and causes generational trauma.

Well I’m a kid to my parent and I know how I would feel. I’m also pretty sure that if I cheated and told my parents, they wouldn’t give a crap. I mean they’d probably wouldn’t approve but our relationship would not change.

Your parents wouldn’t care if your actions and poor decisions led to, for example, a divorce? That is odd.

She’s a cheater from a cheating family. Obviously, the family is only that in name.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There’s a catch-22 here. Women tend to be more selective. If there’s a man you’d like to sleep with and get involved sexually, you have a high chance of catching feelings. The opposite stands where if you wouldn’t catch feelings you probably wouldn’t enjoy sleeping with him.

I did what you are considering, and it made me more depressed about the state of my marriage. Why can’t I have a happy marriage with a decent sex life? Why do I only get leftovers?

Your character. Your actions. Your personality. What’s inside you.

You settled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I am a woman in a sexless marriage and I have a friend I have sex with every month or two. Its no grand love affair, there’s no desire to use each other as an escape plan, we are just two people who want to get laid and unfortunately our spouses aren’t interested/able.

Go for it. Just make sure you keep your wits about you. Don’t try and twist it in your mind into something it isn’t. Especially if you get along well in and out of the bedroom. Don’t lose sight of why you are doing this: to get laid while maintaining your marriage. Not to replace your marriage.

Agree 100%. But I would add one extra small step, take 6 seconds to "declare the marriage open" that way you are not cheating, have zero moral dilemma, and don't need to sneak around / lie.

DP. You have zero understanding of "opening" a marriage. It is not an actual, official open marriage if ONE person "declares" it open. This is not a unilateral decison that one spouse gets to make, solo. Simply "taking 6 seconds to declare the marriage open" is cheating, period. Open marriage is a mutually discussed, mutually agreed upon, clear decision. Not one half of a couple saying "I declare this marriage open, meaning, I'll sleep with anyone I want."

You and many others on DCUM seem to think that people like OP can say, "I"m unhappy so I declare the marriage open." Nope. If the other spouse disagrees, or ven just waffles and is unsure and therefore not on board clearly -- it's cheating. Not an open marriage.

But OP came here hoping for strangers to validate the hell out of her wanting to cheat, and she's gotten just that, so I suspect she'll go screw Mr. Take-Me-Now and blithely think she is still in an "excellent" marriage. She's great at self-deception. And yes, he drinks too much, but her instinct is to get laid rather than to push someone she supposedly loves to get help for his addiction. She's about sex, not love. And she got all the validation she could want from the sex-over-love crowd here.

Surely we agree that one spouse is free to "unilaterally" decide to become low drive / sexless? I mean, any other view would remove the need for consent (ie, advocating rape)!
Clearly then it IS allowed within a marriage for one spouse to make unilateral decisions about sex which affect the other spouse without needing their agreement.
The abnormal sexless spouse has no valid grounds to object: since sex is unimportant, no big deal when she goes and does that unimportant thing elsewhere.
By making this declaration, there is no need to lie / sneak around, and most certainly an open marriage is not cheating.

I had regular sex with my husband. I stayed in incredible shape, great mom/wife and pull in a great salary to boot.

I found out about an affair and have zero desire for sex anymore.

He ruined a good marriage because he right he wouldn’t get caught having variety sex.

@ssholes ruined 2 families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad cheated on my mom.

I don’t hate him for it in the least. Marriages are complicated and private things. Who knows that really went down between them. Maybe she decided she didn’t want sex for years. Maybe she was cold and unloving towards him. Maybe he wanted out of the relationship and didn’t have the maturity to end it properly.

Whatever the reasons, they aren’t really my business and I’m not even that interested. It’s between them.

A woman that blames other women. It’s no wonder she ended up a cheater like dear old dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad cheated on my mom.

I don’t hate him for it in the least. Marriages are complicated and private things. Who knows that really went down between them. Maybe she decided she didn’t want sex for years. Maybe she was cold and unloving towards him. Maybe he wanted out of the relationship and didn’t have the maturity to end it properly.

Whatever the reasons, they aren’t really my business and I’m not even that interested. It’s between them.

And maybe she did none of that and your dad is just a messed up selfish d@ck—-which is usually more likely. But daddy’s girl ^^ can only think it HAD to be something her mom did or didn’t do.

+1 it’s disturbing she only thinks it had to be something about her mom.

[Anonymous]

Verbal and emotional abuse started long before not wanting to have sex. These cheaters in sexless marriages are often the direct cause of the loss of libido. You can’t be a complete d@ck or b@atch 90% of the time and then think you were nice that day so your spouse should want to sleep with you.

I can see why MIL didn’t want sex with FIl, even the kids hated him most of the time. Mean and controlling.

[Anonymous]

^ those are the type that are charming outside the home and the APs that see them 1 hour a month think are just so sweet and his wife is a jerk because he says so and he’s…so wonderful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I am a woman in a sexless marriage and I have a friend I have sex with every month or two. Its no grand love affair, there’s no desire to use each other as an escape plan, we are just two people who want to get laid and unfortunately our spouses aren’t interested/able.

Go for it. Just make sure you keep your wits about you. Don’t try and twist it in your mind into something it isn’t. Especially if you get along well in and out of the bedroom. Don’t lose sight of why you are doing this: to get laid while maintaining your marriage. Not to replace your marriage.

Agree 100%. But I would add one extra small step, take 6 seconds to "declare the marriage open" that way you are not cheating, have zero moral dilemma, and don't need to sneak around / lie.

DP. You have zero understanding of "opening" a marriage. It is not an actual, official open marriage if ONE person "declares" it open. This is not a unilateral decison that one spouse gets to make, solo. Simply "taking 6 seconds to declare the marriage open" is cheating, period. Open marriage is a mutually discussed, mutually agreed upon, clear decision. Not one half of a couple saying "I declare this marriage open, meaning, I'll sleep with anyone I want."

You and many others on DCUM seem to think that people like OP can say, "I"m unhappy so I declare the marriage open." Nope. If the other spouse disagrees, or ven just waffles and is unsure and therefore not on board clearly -- it's cheating. Not an open marriage.

But OP came here hoping for strangers to validate the hell out of her wanting to cheat, and she's gotten just that, so I suspect she'll go screw Mr. Take-Me-Now and blithely think she is still in an "excellent" marriage. She's great at self-deception. And yes, he drinks too much, but her instinct is to get laid rather than to push someone she supposedly loves to get help for his addiction. She's about sex, not love. And she got all the validation she could want from the sex-over-love crowd here.

Surely we agree that one spouse is free to "unilaterally" decide to become low drive / sexless? I mean, any other view would remove the need for consent (ie, advocating rape)!
Clearly then it IS allowed within a marriage for one spouse to make unilateral decisions about sex which affect the other spouse without needing their agreement.
The abnormal sexless spouse has no valid grounds to object: since sex is unimportant, no big deal when she goes and does that unimportant thing elsewhere.
By making this declaration, there is no need to lie / sneak around, and most certainly an open marriage is not cheating.

No, we surely do not agree.

If one spouse doesn't want sex and the other does, they either agree together, like adults, to open the marriage or they divorce.

You're working very hard here to justify the idea of "one person can unilaterally declare a marriage open because the other unilaterally decided not to have sex." This leaves no space to consider that the partner who's averse to sex may have many reasons, many of which could be worked on, treated medically or psychologically, or otherwise altered, which could restart the sexual relationship. In your view, there seems to be only "You won't have sex? I'll go find it elsewhere." If there is THAT little concern for the other person and that little investment in the other person's reasons for avoiding sex -- the "I've got to have it" partner should not be married at all. Then that partner can have all the sex they want without opening any marriage or maintaining any ties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Verbal and emotional abuse started long before not wanting to have sex. These cheaters in sexless marriages are often the direct cause of the loss of libido. You can’t be a complete d@ck or b@atch 90% of the time and then think you were nice that day so your spouse should want to sleep with you.

I can see why MIL didn’t want sex with FIl, even the kids hated him most of the time. Mean and controlling.

The bold is so true, but those who are terrible spouses will never be able to connect the dots between their behaviors over years, and their spouse's dead libido.

[Anonymous]

It OPs DH unilaterally decided to cut her off from sex without a conversation, I don't see how OP owes him anything more when she decides to have sex.

Her body isn't it possession to lock in a dark closet alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I am a woman in a sexless marriage and I have a friend I have sex with every month or two. Its no grand love affair, there’s no desire to use each other as an escape plan, we are just two people who want to get laid and unfortunately our spouses aren’t interested/able.

Go for it. Just make sure you keep your wits about you. Don’t try and twist it in your mind into something it isn’t. Especially if you get along well in and out of the bedroom. Don’t lose sight of why you are doing this: to get laid while maintaining your marriage. Not to replace your marriage.

Agree 100%. But I would add one extra small step, take 6 seconds to "declare the marriage open" that way you are not cheating, have zero moral dilemma, and don't need to sneak around / lie.

DP. You have zero understanding of "opening" a marriage. It is not an actual, official open marriage if ONE person "declares" it open. This is not a unilateral decison that one spouse gets to make, solo. Simply "taking 6 seconds to declare the marriage open" is cheating, period. Open marriage is a mutually discussed, mutually agreed upon, clear decision. Not one half of a couple saying "I declare this marriage open, meaning, I'll sleep with anyone I want."

You and many others on DCUM seem to think that people like OP can say, "I"m unhappy so I declare the marriage open." Nope. If the other spouse disagrees, or ven just waffles and is unsure and therefore not on board clearly -- it's cheating. Not an open marriage.

But OP came here hoping for strangers to validate the hell out of her wanting to cheat, and she's gotten just that, so I suspect she'll go screw Mr. Take-Me-Now and blithely think she is still in an "excellent" marriage. She's great at self-deception. And yes, he drinks too much, but her instinct is to get laid rather than to push someone she supposedly loves to get help for his addiction. She's about sex, not love. And she got all the validation she could want from the sex-over-love crowd here.

Surely we agree that one spouse is free to "unilaterally" decide to become low drive / sexless? I mean, any other view would remove the need for consent (ie, advocating rape)!
Clearly then it IS allowed within a marriage for one spouse to make unilateral decisions about sex which affect the other spouse without needing their agreement.
The abnormal sexless spouse has no valid grounds to object: since sex is unimportant, no big deal when she goes and does that unimportant thing elsewhere.
By making this declaration, there is no need to lie / sneak around, and most certainly an open marriage is not cheating.

I had regular sex with my husband. I stayed in incredible shape, great mom/wife and pull in a great salary to boot.

I found out about an affair and have zero desire for sex anymore.

He ruined a good marriage because he right he wouldn’t get caught having variety sex.

@ssholes ruined 2 families.

Sorry that you were cheated on. But confused about this reply in relation to declaring the "controversy" of one spouse declaring marriage open.
Given his intent to pursue variety sex, are you agreeing then he should have (BEFORE his affair) taken the 6 seconds to declare your marriage open?
That way, you could have made an informed decision about staying with him, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I am a woman in a sexless marriage and I have a friend I have sex with every month or two. Its no grand love affair, there’s no desire to use each other as an escape plan, we are just two people who want to get laid and unfortunately our spouses aren’t interested/able.

Go for it. Just make sure you keep your wits about you. Don’t try and twist it in your mind into something it isn’t. Especially if you get along well in and out of the bedroom. Don’t lose sight of why you are doing this: to get laid while maintaining your marriage. Not to replace your marriage.

Agree 100%. But I would add one extra small step, take 6 seconds to "declare the marriage open" that way you are not cheating, have zero moral dilemma, and don't need to sneak around / lie.

DP. You have zero understanding of "opening" a marriage. It is not an actual, official open marriage if ONE person "declares" it open. This is not a unilateral decison that one spouse gets to make, solo. Simply "taking 6 seconds to declare the marriage open" is cheating, period. Open marriage is a mutually discussed, mutually agreed upon, clear decision. Not one half of a couple saying "I declare this marriage open, meaning, I'll sleep with anyone I want."

You and many others on DCUM seem to think that people like OP can say, "I"m unhappy so I declare the marriage open." Nope. If the other spouse disagrees, or ven just waffles and is unsure and therefore not on board clearly -- it's cheating. Not an open marriage.

But OP came here hoping for strangers to validate the hell out of her wanting to cheat, and she's gotten just that, so I suspect she'll go screw Mr. Take-Me-Now and blithely think she is still in an "excellent" marriage. She's great at self-deception. And yes, he drinks too much, but her instinct is to get laid rather than to push someone she supposedly loves to get help for his addiction. She's about sex, not love. And she got all the validation she could want from the sex-over-love crowd here.

Surely we agree that one spouse is free to "unilaterally" decide to become low drive / sexless? I mean, any other view would remove the need for consent (ie, advocating rape)!
Clearly then it IS allowed within a marriage for one spouse to make unilateral decisions about sex which affect the other spouse without needing their agreement.
The abnormal sexless spouse has no valid grounds to object: since sex is unimportant, no big deal when she goes and does that unimportant thing elsewhere.
By making this declaration, there is no need to lie / sneak around, and most certainly an open marriage is not cheating.

No, we surely do not agree.

If one spouse doesn't want sex and the other does, they either agree together, like adults, to open the marriage or they divorce.

You're working very hard here to justify the idea of "one person can unilaterally declare a marriage open because the other unilaterally decided not to have sex." This leaves no space to consider that the partner who's averse to sex may have many reasons, many of which could be worked on, treated medically or psychologically, or otherwise altered, which could restart the sexual relationship. In your view, there seems to be only "You won't have sex? I'll go find it elsewhere." If there is THAT little concern for the other person and that little investment in the other person's reasons for avoiding sex -- the "I've got to have it" partner should not be married at all. Then that partner can have all the sex they want without opening any marriage or maintaining any ties.

The reasons for not wanting sex are irrelevant because IF a sexless spouse actually WANTED to work on those, that would already be happening (and it would not be a sexless marriage).
I totally reject your hypocritical attempt to have it both ways. If sex is important, then a couple would be having an active sex life OR there would be clear unmistakable priotitized effort by the sexless party to "work on" this important problem. Absent that, clearly sex is unimportant, and you get no vote in the 6 second open marriage declaration. You are free to divorce if you insist on damaging the family as a complete and total hypocrite: everything is fine while you stay married and sexless, but your partner goes and does that unimportant thing elsewhere REEEEEEE! time for divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Excellent 25-year marriage, great kids, all left the nest. DH has never been super high libido but now just not that into it, drinks a fair bit in the evenings which I think that saps desire as well. Best of husbands in all other respects. I’ve tried hard to keep in shape, pay attention to grooming etc. I do try to initiate but it’s rarely successful. Am moderately, conventionally pretty so do get some asks, especially in Mediterranean countries where guys seem more open about their interest but have never acted on it. Traveling more now on business, and recently met someone at a work dinner (!) who has me incredibly stirred up, I mean - it was super hard for me to turn down the charming and subtle pass, when what I really wanted to say was OMG put your hands on me! Love DH and want to stay in the marriage, but he’s not going to change at this point. Am sorely tempted. Would be a once-or-twice a year deal at most. WWYD?

Have you talked about your needs with your husband? Have you suggested a trip to his doctor? He might have low T. A testosterone patch would probably help a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I am a woman in a sexless marriage and I have a friend I have sex with every month or two. Its no grand love affair, there’s no desire to use each other as an escape plan, we are just two people who want to get laid and unfortunately our spouses aren’t interested/able.

Go for it. Just make sure you keep your wits about you. Don’t try and twist it in your mind into something it isn’t. Especially if you get along well in and out of the bedroom. Don’t lose sight of why you are doing this: to get laid while maintaining your marriage. Not to replace your marriage.

Agree 100%. But I would add one extra small step, take 6 seconds to "declare the marriage open" that way you are not cheating, have zero moral dilemma, and don't need to sneak around / lie.

DP. You have zero understanding of "opening" a marriage. It is not an actual, official open marriage if ONE person "declares" it open. This is not a unilateral decison that one spouse gets to make, solo. Simply "taking 6 seconds to declare the marriage open" is cheating, period. Open marriage is a mutually discussed, mutually agreed upon, clear decision. Not one half of a couple saying "I declare this marriage open, meaning, I'll sleep with anyone I want."

You and many others on DCUM seem to think that people like OP can say, "I"m unhappy so I declare the marriage open." Nope. If the other spouse disagrees, or ven just waffles and is unsure and therefore not on board clearly -- it's cheating. Not an open marriage.

But OP came here hoping for strangers to validate the hell out of her wanting to cheat, and she's gotten just that, so I suspect she'll go screw Mr. Take-Me-Now and blithely think she is still in an "excellent" marriage. She's great at self-deception. And yes, he drinks too much, but her instinct is to get laid rather than to push someone she supposedly loves to get help for his addiction. She's about sex, not love. And she got all the validation she could want from the sex-over-love crowd here.

Surely we agree that one spouse is free to "unilaterally" decide to become low drive / sexless? I mean, any other view would remove the need for consent (ie, advocating rape)!
Clearly then it IS allowed within a marriage for one spouse to make unilateral decisions about sex which affect the other spouse without needing their agreement.
The abnormal sexless spouse has no valid grounds to object: since sex is unimportant, no big deal when she goes and does that unimportant thing elsewhere.
By making this declaration, there is no need to lie / sneak around, and most certainly an open marriage is not cheating.

I had regular sex with my husband. I stayed in incredible shape, great mom/wife and pull in a great salary to boot.

I found out about an affair and have zero desire for sex anymore.

He ruined a good marriage because he right he wouldn’t get caught having variety sex.

@ssholes ruined 2 families.

Sorry that you were cheated on. But confused about this reply in relation to declaring the "controversy" of one spouse declaring marriage open.
Given his intent to pursue variety sex, are you agreeing then he should have (BEFORE his affair) taken the 6 seconds to declare your marriage open?
That way, you could have made an informed decision about staying with him, etc.

6 seconds? I have to assume you are being sarcastic. An 18-year “very happy marriage (w/ sex!!)”- his words—would certainly warrant more than a 6 second declaration after 20 years if someone wanted to re-neg on the monogamy/faithful vow. In a marriage or partnership, you communicate and work together. You don’t unilaterally make decisions that directly affect the health and well-being of your partner.

Many people are not taught what a “marriage” is and the stages it goes through and the work it takes over decades. I assume they were raised in very dysfunctional homes with horrible role models- which was my spouse’s case. He didn’t see one happy family anywhere —home or among extended family members.