Friend group is blowing up due to rift between teen girls

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s clear that OP is raising a mean girl and is perfectly okay with excluding behaviors. OP just isn’t okay with the behavior being directed at her. Ah, sweet irony. Here’s thing that OP should recognize - this drama wouldn’t have any juice among her friend group if they didn’t think her DD was a mean girl. If her DD (and mother) were perfectly sweet, people would be defending her or trying not to get involved.

I read the OP (+ the follow ups) and I don’t get the mean girl read at all. It’s not clear at all. I bet you were low on the social totem pole as a teen and that’s coloring your read.

This is always the classic response from people who don’t teach their kids kindness. I was on varsity soccer and student class president, but gasp, I never made another girl cry and leave school early. I was nice to everyone. I guess that is why I got voted in. I was also in a sorority and a Rho Chi. No social problems whatsoever and I’m proud to say my daughter isn’t a mean girl.

The PP you are responding to is not going to get it because she is clearly mean herself. "I bet you were low on the social totem pole as a teen." I mean, who says that besides a mean girl?

Being popular doesn't make you mean. OP's kid excluded another girl in a group text in a way that made her leave school early crying. This is a big freaking hint OP's kid was unkind. Either it was unintentionally mean and OP's daughter needs to learn better social graces, or it was intentionally mean and OP is in denial.

I’m the PP you quoted. I was not super cool in HS. I did know enough to not leave school early or go crying to mommy over a social slight. My mother also knew better enough to blow up the 2000’s version of her friend group group chat over social slights.

This response, plus your earlier one, tells me everything I need to know about where you lie on the mean girl spectrum. Next.

Pot, meet kettle

[Anonymous]

Genuinely curious: How so? Are people supposed to meet in K and remain friends for life?

Of course not. But I don't really get how you don't understand that what your DD did WAS mean and being excluded hurts. What I find very surprising is that you express zero empathy for this girl, a kid you have known for years, or her mother. Look at it from the other mom's perspective. Your DD was doing something with a group. Your friend's DD put herself out there and asked if she could join - that's a big thing for a kid to do by making themselves vulnerable! And your DD not only said no, but apparently didn't even handle that rejection well.

I have three daughters (older than yours), and I would definitely be talking to mine about being empathetic, including people even if they aren't your best friend because it's the kind thing to do, etc. I would have asked my kid if including this other kid would have really been so hard - with a group, your DD and the other girl could have other people to deflect interaction, and adding one probably wouldn't have ruined anyone's day but could have made a huge, positive difference in the other girl's day - a girl who was, until recently, a friend of your DD. You are pretty defensive of your DD, but I am pretty certain you might have different feelings if your DD was the one being excluded.

[Anonymous]

^ I should have added that I do think a direct conversation with the other mom where you tell her, "hey, I'm sorry the girls seem to be growing apart, I don't want to try and run my kid's social life, but I definitely do care that she is kind" is a good idea. But I would also be doing a whole lot of talking to my kid and would really hope my kid would learn to handle a future, similar situation more thoughtfully.

[Anonymous]

The Other Mom doesn't want OP's DD to be kinder as she makes plans with whoever she wants to hang out with.

She wants OP's DD to be willing to pull her daughter into her new social group, due to some perceived loyalty, and OP's DD doesn't want to.

It's past the time for social engineering. Other Mom does not get to dictate who has to be friends with her kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The Other Mom doesn't want OP's DD to be kinder as she makes plans with whoever she wants to hang out with.

She wants OP's DD to be willing to pull her daughter into her new social group, due to some perceived loyalty, and OP's DD doesn't want to.

It's past the time for social engineering. Other Mom does not get to dictate who has to be friends with her kid.

Ill bet other mom wished OPs DD also wasn’t a rude ass about it. That might have helped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing. Or "a" thing. Girls who fare well socially at this age also end up being targets. They're all just kids, figuring things out, and it's time for the moms to step away. I know it's hard to see your kid hurting, but you do not approach the other mom, and get the mutual mom friends involved. You encourage your own kid to be around others who appreciate her. Full stop.

My DD12 is very sweet. She got an award at camp this summer for "making everyone feel like they belong." That's her way and I'm very proud of her.

She's also beautiful, a top student, and gets the lead in the musicals. Haters come for her, regardless of the fact that she is really nice to everyone. There are times when she wants to hang out with some kids and not others-- I have seen the texts. She is never mean. Does that mean kids never gossip about her and say things that aren't true? No.

Unfortunately, some of the kids painting themselves as victims do nasty and underhanded things. Some of their moms would rather blame some ambiguously "cool" girl for the fact that their kid is floundering a bit trying to find their way in MS. (Which is normal!)

Recently, a girl (Larla- very nice) asked DD to see a play some mutual friends were in and they went. Just the two of them. Another friend (NOT a bestie, but someone she's known for a long time) who is not friends with Larla, but knows her, also came to the play with her mom and was upset about that DD was there with Larla. DD did nothing, but her friend is just sad about it, and probably complains to her mother about it. To this girl, it's just a crime that DD had fun plans with Larla. It's something that DD did that was wrong. It sounds insane, but I have empathy. It's a tough age, they're going through a lot, everything is changing.

The point is they are all kids and deserve some grace. But automatically blaming the child who may have more social capital isn't right. I'm trying to teach my DD to ignore this kind of thing. But it's not right.

Duh, the other friend asked your DD to go and your DD told her she didn’t want to go/couldn’t go/ some other excuse.

Mothers like you and OP are just painful. Is it that you are that dumb or just ignoring that your child is not perfect ? who knows - maybe both. But listening to you people IRL is just mind numbing.

And to the OP - you will be in the other mothers position during the next few years. It happens. Save your post so you can come back to it when it happens to your DD so at least you can laugh at your silliness and bloated self image.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Social exclusion is absolutely considered bullying.

+2

Can you elaborate? Like, one person not being invited = bullying? So every person needs to be included in everything? How exactly does this work?

DP. OP didn't give details about what her kid said, which makes me wonder and lean towards the mean girl interpretation. If OP's kid wrote in a group text: "No, you can't come with us because we don't want to hang out with you" then this is vicious and pretty clear cut mean girl behavior. There are so many better ways of handling the situation when you do not want to hang out with another kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s clear that OP is raising a mean girl and is perfectly okay with excluding behaviors. OP just isn’t okay with the behavior being directed at her. Ah, sweet irony. Here’s thing that OP should recognize - this drama wouldn’t have any juice among her friend group if they didn’t think her DD was a mean girl. If her DD (and mother) were perfectly sweet, people would be defending her or trying not to get involved.

I read the OP (+ the follow ups) and I don’t get the mean girl read at all. It’s not clear at all. I bet you were low on the social totem pole as a teen and that’s coloring your read.

This is always the classic response from people who don’t teach their kids kindness. I was on varsity soccer and student class president, but gasp, I never made another girl cry and leave school early. I was nice to everyone. I guess that is why I got voted in. I was also in a sorority and a Rho Chi. No social problems whatsoever and I’m proud to say my daughter isn’t a mean girl.

The PP you are responding to is not going to get it because she is clearly mean herself. "I bet you were low on the social totem pole as a teen." I mean, who says that besides a mean girl?

Being popular doesn't make you mean. OP's kid excluded another girl in a group text in a way that made her leave school early crying. This is a big freaking hint OP's kid was unkind. Either it was unintentionally mean and OP's daughter needs to learn better social graces, or it was intentionally mean and OP is in denial.

I’m the PP you quoted. I was not super cool in HS. I did know enough to not leave school early or go crying to mommy over a social slight. My mother also knew better enough to blow up the 2000’s version of her friend group group chat over social slights.

This response, plus your earlier one, tells me everything I need to know about where you lie on the mean girl spectrum. Next.

Pot, meet kettle

I agree with the PP. Everything you write drips with meanness. You can honestly not see that? Whether or not you were super cool in high school is irrelevant. Some not cool kids are also mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Genuinely curious: How so? Are people supposed to meet in K and remain friends for life?

Of course not. But I don't really get how you don't understand that what your DD did WAS mean and being excluded hurts. What I find very surprising is that you express zero empathy for this girl, a kid you have known for years, or her mother. Look at it from the other mom's perspective. Your DD was doing something with a group. Your friend's DD put herself out there and asked if she could join - that's a big thing for a kid to do by making themselves vulnerable! And your DD not only said no, but apparently didn't even handle that rejection well.

I have three daughters (older than yours), and I would definitely be talking to mine about being empathetic, including people even if they aren't your best friend because it's the kind thing to do, etc. I would have asked my kid if including this other kid would have really been so hard - with a group, your DD and the other girl could have other people to deflect interaction, and adding one probably wouldn't have ruined anyone's day but could have made a huge, positive difference in the other girl's day - a girl who was, until recently, a friend of your DD. You are pretty defensive of your DD, but I am pretty certain you might have different feelings if your DD was the one being excluded.

Do you have a problem with lifelong friends? I don't get why that would be a bad thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing. Or "a" thing. Girls who fare well socially at this age also end up being targets. They're all just kids, figuring things out, and it's time for the moms to step away. I know it's hard to see your kid hurting, but you do not approach the other mom, and get the mutual mom friends involved. You encourage your own kid to be around others who appreciate her. Full stop.

My DD12 is very sweet. She got an award at camp this summer for "making everyone feel like they belong." That's her way and I'm very proud of her.

She's also beautiful, a top student, and gets the lead in the musicals. Haters come for her, regardless of the fact that she is really nice to everyone. There are times when she wants to hang out with some kids and not others-- I have seen the texts. She is never mean. Does that mean kids never gossip about her and say things that aren't true? No.

Unfortunately, some of the kids painting themselves as victims do nasty and underhanded things. Some of their moms would rather blame some ambiguously "cool" girl for the fact that their kid is floundering a bit trying to find their way in MS. (Which is normal!)

Recently, a girl (Larla- very nice) asked DD to see a play some mutual friends were in and they went. Just the two of them. Another friend (NOT a bestie, but someone she's known for a long time) who is not friends with Larla, but knows her, also came to the play with her mom and was upset about that DD was there with Larla. DD did nothing, but her friend is just sad about it, and probably complains to her mother about it. To this girl, it's just a crime that DD had fun plans with Larla. It's something that DD did that was wrong. It sounds insane, but I have empathy. It's a tough age, they're going through a lot, everything is changing.

The point is they are all kids and deserve some grace. But automatically blaming the child who may have more social capital isn't right. I'm trying to teach my DD to ignore this kind of thing. But it's not right.

Duh, the other friend asked your DD to go and your DD told her she didn’t want to go/couldn’t go/ some other excuse.

Mothers like you and OP are just painful. Is it that you are that dumb or just ignoring that your child is not perfect ? who knows - maybe both. But listening to you people IRL is just mind numbing.

And to the OP - you will be in the other mothers position during the next few years. It happens. Save your post so you can come back to it when it happens to your DD so at least you can laugh at your silliness and bloated self image.

The friend hadn't talked to my DD in a long time. They go to different schools. Their last interaction was the friend coming to my DD's birthday party a few weeks prior.

Duh, kids are sensitive and get upset about things that rationally they have no business getting upset about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The Other Mom doesn't want OP's DD to be kinder as she makes plans with whoever she wants to hang out with.

She wants OP's DD to be willing to pull her daughter into her new social group, due to some perceived loyalty, and OP's DD doesn't want to.

It's past the time for social engineering. Other Mom does not get to dictate who has to be friends with her kid.

Ill bet other mom wished OPs DD also wasn’t a rude ass about it. That might have helped.

Yeah I'm sure she wants to meet up with OP to say, "I just think your daughter could be a little kinder and more sensitive! If she wants to hang out with a different group and not include my daughter, of course that's totally fine! I have no issue with that!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s clear that OP is raising a mean girl and is perfectly okay with excluding behaviors. OP just isn’t okay with the behavior being directed at her. Ah, sweet irony. Here’s thing that OP should recognize - this drama wouldn’t have any juice among her friend group if they didn’t think her DD was a mean girl. If her DD (and mother) were perfectly sweet, people would be defending her or trying not to get involved.

I read the OP (+ the follow ups) and I don’t get the mean girl read at all. It’s not clear at all. I bet you were low on the social totem pole as a teen and that’s coloring your read.

This is always the classic response from people who don’t teach their kids kindness. I was on varsity soccer and student class president, but gasp, I never made another girl cry and leave school early. I was nice to everyone. I guess that is why I got voted in. I was also in a sorority and a Rho Chi. No social problems whatsoever and I’m proud to say my daughter isn’t a mean girl.

The PP you are responding to is not going to get it because she is clearly mean herself. "I bet you were low on the social totem pole as a teen." I mean, who says that besides a mean girl?

Being popular doesn't make you mean. OP's kid excluded another girl in a group text in a way that made her leave school early crying. This is a big freaking hint OP's kid was unkind. Either it was unintentionally mean and OP's daughter needs to learn better social graces, or it was intentionally mean and OP is in denial.

I’m the PP you quoted. I was not super cool in HS. I did know enough to not leave school early or go crying to mommy over a social slight. My mother also knew better enough to blow up the 2000’s version of her friend group group chat over social slights.

This response, plus your earlier one, tells me everything I need to know about where you lie on the mean girl spectrum. Next.

Pot, meet kettle

I agree with the PP. Everything you write drips with meanness. You can honestly not see that? Whether or not you were super cool in high school is irrelevant. Some not cool kids are also mean.

+1 (another DP)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s clear that OP is raising a mean girl and is perfectly okay with excluding behaviors. OP just isn’t okay with the behavior being directed at her. Ah, sweet irony. Here’s thing that OP should recognize - this drama wouldn’t have any juice among her friend group if they didn’t think her DD was a mean girl. If her DD (and mother) were perfectly sweet, people would be defending her or trying not to get involved.

I read the OP (+ the follow ups) and I don’t get the mean girl read at all. It’s not clear at all. I bet you were low on the social totem pole as a teen and that’s coloring your read.

This is always the classic response from people who don’t teach their kids kindness. I was on varsity soccer and student class president, but gasp, I never made another girl cry and leave school early. I was nice to everyone. I guess that is why I got voted in. I was also in a sorority and a Rho Chi. No social problems whatsoever and I’m proud to say my daughter isn’t a mean girl.

The PP you are responding to is not going to get it because she is clearly mean herself. "I bet you were low on the social totem pole as a teen." I mean, who says that besides a mean girl?

Being popular doesn't make you mean. OP's kid excluded another girl in a group text in a way that made her leave school early crying. This is a big freaking hint OP's kid was unkind. Either it was unintentionally mean and OP's daughter needs to learn better social graces, or it was intentionally mean and OP is in denial.

I’m the PP you quoted. I was not super cool in HS. I did know enough to not leave school early or go crying to mommy over a social slight. My mother also knew better enough to blow up the 2000’s version of her friend group group chat over social slights.

This response, plus your earlier one, tells me everything I need to know about where you lie on the mean girl spectrum. Next.

Pot, meet kettle

I agree with the PP. Everything you write drips with meanness. You can honestly not see that? Whether or not you were super cool in high school is irrelevant. Some not cool kids are also mean.

+1 (another DP)

+2 (another DP, too)

[Anonymous]

Of course not. But I don't really get how you don't understand that what your DD did WAS mean and being excluded hurts. What I find very surprising is that you express zero empathy for this girl, a kid you have known for years, or her mother. Look at it from the other mom's perspective. Your DD was doing something with a group. Your friend's DD put herself out there and asked if she could join - that's a big thing for a kid to do by making themselves vulnerable! And your DD not only said no, but apparently didn't even handle that rejection well.

I have three daughters (older than yours), and I would definitely be talking to mine about being empathetic, including people even if they aren't your best friend because it's the kind thing to do, etc. I would have asked my kid if including this other kid would have really been so hard - with a group, your DD and the other girl could have other people to deflect interaction, and adding one probably wouldn't have ruined anyone's day but could have made a huge, positive difference in the other girl's day - a girl who was, until recently, a friend of your DD. You are pretty defensive of your DD, but I am pretty certain you might have different feelings if your DD was the one being excluded.


Do you have a problem with lifelong friends? I don't get why that would be a bad thing.

I don't understand the reply - it doesn't seem to be bear any relationship to the post above it. I think the poster you are responding to was suggesting that the DD should have been kind to the other girl, especially because they had been friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your DD is considered coll bc she’s sport and the girl is artsy so not considered cool? Who says? I think artsy is much cooler than sporty. Seems that your DD has a big head and was mean to her friend.

I’m sorry, but nobody cares what your old ass has to say about who is cool and who is not in regards to high school girls.