Father not involved in child’s life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your friend should have gotten an abortion. She made the decision to keep a baby.

Does the guy have money? Maybe file for child support. I personally wouldn’t.

That’s a big decision to make on behalf of the kid, unless she’s independently wealthy. Dad can explain to the kid at 18 why he was absentee when the kid reaches our, but mom would have a big explanation for raising the kid in lesser financial circumstances— it can all go into a 529 and the kid could be set for college.

It wasn’t a child they had together mutually.

I would have gotten an abortion. If she decided to have the child, it was her decision.

If the guy was wealthy or came from a wealthy family, ask for child support. Average Joe? Just skip it.

That doesn’t matter for the child though. Do you think in his twenties, crushed under college debt payments, the kids going to think “yeah I mean it totally makes sense my mom didn’t ask my dad for a penny because my dad doesn’t think I should have existed”

At the lowest rate of child support I have ever seen ($600/month) the kid could be looking at $130,000 for college if she put it in a mattress. In a 529 he or she would walk away from college debt free. That’s a huge thing to decide *not* to do for your kid and I would expect the kid would have some thoughts about it.

You have some major delusions about child support. My ex made $350/year and pays $2K/month for one child. He now makes $600K/year and unless I take him back to court which will cost me tons) it ain’t budging.

Ok, and if you out all of that in a 529 your kid will have $432,000. Is your calculator app broken?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NO to the parents getting involved.

There's nothing either of you can do. He's decided and made it very clear that he does not want a relationship with his child. You can't force someone to have a relationship. Expecting him to suddenly change and become an involved parent is magical thinking.

After trying for over two years with no change in his position, it's time for you and your friend to drop it. If you want to help your friend, help her to move on.

OP here. It’s a quite sad situation overall. I’m trying to be very supportive for her as much as I can.

When my friend’s son will start going to school, he would probably ask her, where is my father? What does she tell him then?

What did she think she'll say to the kid when she decided to have him without father's consent?

Father's consent was when he had sex with Mother without using a condom or having had a vasectomy.

This is such an outdated and stupid way of thinking. An unplanned pregnancy is in no way a consent to have a child together. If you think two people behaving irresponsibly is a consent to have a child, you are foolish. Your friend should have promptly course-corrected their failure to plan, particularly once he made it clear he was not onboard with the decision. Your friend made a unilateral decision to proceed with birthing a child that only one parent wanted. At that point, it became a solo/single parent mission. Either sue for child support or move on.

+1
He should have a say in whether to abort or not.

He did have a say. She disagreed.

Then she should go it alone, no child support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NO to the parents getting involved.

There's nothing either of you can do. He's decided and made it very clear that he does not want a relationship with his child. You can't force someone to have a relationship. Expecting him to suddenly change and become an involved parent is magical thinking.

After trying for over two years with no change in his position, it's time for you and your friend to drop it. If you want to help your friend, help her to move on.

OP here. It’s a quite sad situation overall. I’m trying to be very supportive for her as much as I can.

When my friend’s son will start going to school, he would probably ask her, where is my father? What does she tell him then?

What did she think she'll say to the kid when she decided to have him without father's consent?

Father's consent was when he had sex with Mother without using a condom or having had a vasectomy.

This is such an outdated and stupid way of thinking. An unplanned pregnancy is in no way a consent to have a child together. If you think two people behaving irresponsibly is a consent to have a child, you are foolish. Your friend should have promptly course-corrected their failure to plan, particularly once he made it clear he was not onboard with the decision. Your friend made a unilateral decision to proceed with birthing a child that only one parent wanted. At that point, it became a solo/single parent mission. Either sue for child support or move on.

+1
He should have a say in whether to abort or not.

He did have a say. She disagreed.

Then she should go it alone, no child support.

Law and ethics disagree with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your friend should have gotten an abortion. She made the decision to keep a baby.

Does the guy have money? Maybe file for child support. I personally wouldn’t.

That’s a big decision to make on behalf of the kid, unless she’s independently wealthy. Dad can explain to the kid at 18 why he was absentee when the kid reaches our, but mom would have a big explanation for raising the kid in lesser financial circumstances— it can all go into a 529 and the kid could be set for college.

It wasn’t a child they had together mutually.

I would have gotten an abortion. If she decided to have the child, it was her decision.

If the guy was wealthy or came from a wealthy family, ask for child support. Average Joe? Just skip it.

That doesn’t matter for the child though. Do you think in his twenties, crushed under college debt payments, the kids going to think “yeah I mean it totally makes sense my mom didn’t ask my dad for a penny because my dad doesn’t think I should have existed”

At the lowest rate of child support I have ever seen ($600/month) the kid could be looking at $130,000 for college if she put it in a mattress. In a 529 he or she would walk away from college debt free. That’s a huge thing to decide *not* to do for your kid and I would expect the kid would have some thoughts about it.

You have some major delusions about child support. My ex made $350/year and pays $2K/month for one child. He now makes $600K/year and unless I take him back to court which will cost me tons) it ain’t budging.

$2K is a lot for child support for one child. I spend a lot on my child and it doesn't add up to 2K between private sports, private music lessons and groups and other things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NO to the parents getting involved.

There's nothing either of you can do. He's decided and made it very clear that he does not want a relationship with his child. You can't force someone to have a relationship. Expecting him to suddenly change and become an involved parent is magical thinking.

After trying for over two years with no change in his position, it's time for you and your friend to drop it. If you want to help your friend, help her to move on.

OP here. It’s a quite sad situation overall. I’m trying to be very supportive for her as much as I can.

When my friend’s son will start going to school, he would probably ask her, where is my father? What does she tell him then?

What did she think she'll say to the kid when she decided to have him without father's consent?

Father's consent was when he had sex with Mother without using a condom or having had a vasectomy.

This is such an outdated and stupid way of thinking. An unplanned pregnancy is in no way a consent to have a child together. If you think two people behaving irresponsibly is a consent to have a child, you are foolish. Your friend should have promptly course-corrected their failure to plan, particularly once he made it clear he was not onboard with the decision. Your friend made a unilateral decision to proceed with birthing a child that only one parent wanted. At that point, it became a solo/single parent mission. Either sue for child support or move on.

+1
He should have a say in whether to abort or not.

He did have a say. She disagreed.

Then she should go it alone, no child support.

No, that’s total nonsense. The time for the man to walk away without obligation was before he put his penis inside her vagina. He could have put a raincoat on it, or better yet, have gotten a vasectomy when he was done being obligated to children.

Once a child is born, it doesn’t matter how nasty and worthless the parents are - they both have an obligation to at bare minimum financially support the kid for 18 years. The state has an interest in enforcing this obligation apart from any desire of the parents. The state cannot make a woman a mother or a man a father, but it can damned sure make them support the offspring they made. We all know how babies get made.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NO to the parents getting involved.

There's nothing either of you can do. He's decided and made it very clear that he does not want a relationship with his child. You can't force someone to have a relationship. Expecting him to suddenly change and become an involved parent is magical thinking.

After trying for over two years with no change in his position, it's time for you and your friend to drop it. If you want to help your friend, help her to move on.

OP here. It’s a quite sad situation overall. I’m trying to be very supportive for her as much as I can.

When my friend’s son will start going to school, he would probably ask her, where is my father? What does she tell him then?

What did she think she'll say to the kid when she decided to have him without father's consent?

Father's consent was when he had sex with Mother without using a condom or having had a vasectomy.

This is such an outdated and stupid way of thinking. An unplanned pregnancy is in no way a consent to have a child together. If you think two people behaving irresponsibly is a consent to have a child, you are foolish. Your friend should have promptly course-corrected their failure to plan, particularly once he made it clear he was not onboard with the decision. Your friend made a unilateral decision to proceed with birthing a child that only one parent wanted. At that point, it became a solo/single parent mission. Either sue for child support or move on.

+1
He should have a say in whether to abort or not.

He did have a say. She disagreed.

Then she should go it alone, no child support.

Why?

Because the child’s parents disagree about them, the child is no longer entitled to financial support from one parent? What weird dystopian universe are you living in? The child exists, the child is entitled to financial support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NO to the parents getting involved.

There's nothing either of you can do. He's decided and made it very clear that he does not want a relationship with his child. You can't force someone to have a relationship. Expecting him to suddenly change and become an involved parent is magical thinking.

After trying for over two years with no change in his position, it's time for you and your friend to drop it. If you want to help your friend, help her to move on.

OP here. It’s a quite sad situation overall. I’m trying to be very supportive for her as much as I can.

When my friend’s son will start going to school, he would probably ask her, where is my father? What does she tell him then?

What did she think she'll say to the kid when she decided to have him without father's consent?

Father's consent was when he had sex with Mother without using a condom or having had a vasectomy.

This is such an outdated and stupid way of thinking. An unplanned pregnancy is in no way a consent to have a child together. If you think two people behaving irresponsibly is a consent to have a child, you are foolish. Your friend should have promptly course-corrected their failure to plan, particularly once he made it clear he was not onboard with the decision. Your friend made a unilateral decision to proceed with birthing a child that only one parent wanted. At that point, it became a solo/single parent mission. Either sue for child support or move on.

+1
He should have a say in whether to abort or not.

He did have a say. She disagreed.

Then she should go it alone, no child support.

So by “a say” you mean “his way”. Your position is if a man isn’t allowed to make medical decisions on behalf of another adult he is no longer responsible for the known outcomes of unprotected sex. How’s life in Gilead treating you?

[Anonymous]

Some of you people are ridiculous. Not everyone is lucky enough to meet a suitable mate in college, get married around 27 and get started on a planned family at 30.

I got pregnant by accident at 30 with a man I was casually seeing. He told me to have an abortion but I refused. I wanted children and I wasn’t willing to abort an existing baby and throw the dice on another chance. Also I am pro choice but once I was actually pregnant I felt that I was carrying a baby and did not want to abort.

Anyway, we reconciled after the baby was born and he is a great dad. We seem to be about equally as happy as other couples who took the traditional route.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NO to the parents getting involved.

There's nothing either of you can do. He's decided and made it very clear that he does not want a relationship with his child. You can't force someone to have a relationship. Expecting him to suddenly change and become an involved parent is magical thinking.

After trying for over two years with no change in his position, it's time for you and your friend to drop it. If you want to help your friend, help her to move on.

OP here. It’s a quite sad situation overall. I’m trying to be very supportive for her as much as I can.

When my friend’s son will start going to school, he would probably ask her, where is my father? What does she tell him then?

What did she think she'll say to the kid when she decided to have him without father's consent?

Father's consent was when he had sex with Mother without using a condom or having had a vasectomy.

This is such an outdated and stupid way of thinking. An unplanned pregnancy is in no way a consent to have a child together. If you think two people behaving irresponsibly is a consent to have a child, you are foolish. Your friend should have promptly course-corrected their failure to plan, particularly once he made it clear he was not onboard with the decision. Your friend made a unilateral decision to proceed with birthing a child that only one parent wanted. At that point, it became a solo/single parent mission. Either sue for child support or move on.

+1
He should have a say in whether to abort or not.

He did have a say. She disagreed.

Then she should go it alone, no child support.

The reason the law doesn’t agree with you is we, the society, pay when the dad doesn’t. I’m not interested in paying more taxes to give men the right to a “financial abortion.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of you people are ridiculous. Not everyone is lucky enough to meet a suitable mate in college, get married around 27 and get started on a planned family at 30.

I got pregnant by accident at 30 with a man I was casually seeing. He told me to have an abortion but I refused. I wanted children and I wasn’t willing to abort an existing baby and throw the dice on another chance. Also I am pro choice but once I was actually pregnant I felt that I was carrying a baby and did not want to abort.

Anyway, we reconciled after the baby was born and he is a great dad. We seem to be about equally as happy as other couples who took the traditional route.

So pps are ridiculous because you got lucky? It could have gone the other way, and more often than not, it does.

An no one is asking you to make a different choice. But the outcome in the OP is more common than yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NO to the parents getting involved.

There's nothing either of you can do. He's decided and made it very clear that he does not want a relationship with his child. You can't force someone to have a relationship. Expecting him to suddenly change and become an involved parent is magical thinking.

After trying for over two years with no change in his position, it's time for you and your friend to drop it. If you want to help your friend, help her to move on.

OP here. It’s a quite sad situation overall. I’m trying to be very supportive for her as much as I can.

When my friend’s son will start going to school, he would probably ask her, where is my father? What does she tell him then?

What did she think she'll say to the kid when she decided to have him without father's consent?

Father's consent was when he had sex with Mother without using a condom or having had a vasectomy.

This is such an outdated and stupid way of thinking. An unplanned pregnancy is in no way a consent to have a child together. If you think two people behaving irresponsibly is a consent to have a child, you are foolish. Your friend should have promptly course-corrected their failure to plan, particularly once he made it clear he was not onboard with the decision. Your friend made a unilateral decision to proceed with birthing a child that only one parent wanted. At that point, it became a solo/single parent mission. Either sue for child support or move on.

+1
He should have a say in whether to abort or not.

He did have a say. She disagreed.

Then she should go it alone, no child support.

The reason the law doesn’t agree with you is we, the society, pay when the dad doesn’t. I’m not interested in paying more taxes to give men the right to a “financial abortion.”

Me neither. He should have practised abstinence

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your friend should have gotten an abortion. She made the decision to keep a baby.

Does the guy have money? Maybe file for child support. I personally wouldn’t.

That’s a big decision to make on behalf of the kid, unless she’s independently wealthy. Dad can explain to the kid at 18 why he was absentee when the kid reaches our, but mom would have a big explanation for raising the kid in lesser financial circumstances— it can all go into a 529 and the kid could be set for college.

It wasn’t a child they had together mutually.

I would have gotten an abortion. If she decided to have the child, it was her decision.

If the guy was wealthy or came from a wealthy family, ask for child support. Average Joe? Just skip it.

That doesn’t matter for the child though. Do you think in his twenties, crushed under college debt payments, the kids going to think “yeah I mean it totally makes sense my mom didn’t ask my dad for a penny because my dad doesn’t think I should have existed”

At the lowest rate of child support I have ever seen ($600/month) the kid could be looking at $130,000 for college if she put it in a mattress. In a 529 he or she would walk away from college debt free. That’s a huge thing to decide *not* to do for your kid and I would expect the kid would have some thoughts about it.

You have some major delusions about child support. My ex made $350/year and pays $2K/month for one child. He now makes $600K/year and unless I take him back to court which will cost me tons) it ain’t budging.

Wow my ex make $300k I make roughly half and I get $3,500 month for 1 kid. All cases are unique and the formula is just a base. Many factors go into final totals.

Op tell your friend to get a lawyer. Best to get the award in place while expenses are high. A lawyer can help to obtain a fair support award for her child. Money makes many aspects of child rearing much smoother. Child rearing can actually be fun as a single when you are financially comfortable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your friend should have gotten an abortion. She made the decision to keep a baby.

Does the guy have money? Maybe file for child support. I personally wouldn’t.

That’s a big decision to make on behalf of the kid, unless she’s independently wealthy. Dad can explain to the kid at 18 why he was absentee when the kid reaches our, but mom would have a big explanation for raising the kid in lesser financial circumstances— it can all go into a 529 and the kid could be set for college.

It wasn’t a child they had together mutually.

I would have gotten an abortion. If she decided to have the child, it was her decision.

If the guy was wealthy or came from a wealthy family, ask for child support. Average Joe? Just skip it.

That doesn’t matter for the child though. Do you think in his twenties, crushed under college debt payments, the kids going to think “yeah I mean it totally makes sense my mom didn’t ask my dad for a penny because my dad doesn’t think I should have existed”

At the lowest rate of child support I have ever seen ($600/month) the kid could be looking at $130,000 for college if she put it in a mattress. In a 529 he or she would walk away from college debt free. That’s a huge thing to decide *not* to do for your kid and I would expect the kid would have some thoughts about it.

You have some major delusions about child support. My ex made $350/year and pays $2K/month for one child. He now makes $600K/year and unless I take him back to court which will cost me tons) it ain’t budging.

Wow my ex make $300k I make roughly half and I get $3,500 month for 1 kid. All cases are unique and the formula is just a base. Many factors go into final totals.

Op tell your friend to get a lawyer. Best to get the award in place while expenses are high. A lawyer can help to obtain a fair support award for her child. Money makes many aspects of child rearing much smoother. Child rearing can actually be fun as a single when you are financially comfortable.

Oh and it doesn’t have to cost tons. He’s shot himself in the foot by being absent for 2 years, particularly if he’s paid no support, he wont have to pay child support arrears from before date or filing, but it still won’t look good if he knows about the kid and has been totally MIA.

She should file for custody, hopefully he signed the birth certificate, if not file, establish paternity, leave support off the table for now. Ask for sole custody first and then once that is determined, which she will more than likely get wait about 6 months, he probably won’t appeal anything out of JDR anyway, and file for support.

If he’s already paying support they will know how to find him, they’ll garnish his wages and you won’t even have to deal with him. Get on with your life the money is for the kid. Who knows maybe he will learn a lesson and get snipped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope when she dude for support, he sues for full custody.

He’s entitled to 50%. If the kids dad wants 50% then OP gets her wish of an involved dad.

Now, would a judge assign 50% to someone who has evaded all responsibility for his child to this point, probably not, but if OP sues for child support then she’s going to get more money and more involvement than she has now— again, win-win.

hard no on that, once divorced or separated neither parent has any entitlement at all to the child.

In many if not most states now, the law presumes 50/50 custody. In my state, if this father wanted it, he'd probably get it.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NO to the parents getting involved.

There's nothing either of you can do. He's decided and made it very clear that he does not want a relationship with his child. You can't force someone to have a relationship. Expecting him to suddenly change and become an involved parent is magical thinking.

After trying for over two years with no change in his position, it's time for you and your friend to drop it. If you want to help your friend, help her to move on.

OP here. It’s a quite sad situation overall. I’m trying to be very supportive for her as much as I can.

When my friend’s son will start going to school, he would probably ask her, where is my father? What does she tell him then?

What did she think she'll say to the kid when she decided to have him without father's consent?

Father's consent was when he had sex with Mother without using a condom or having had a vasectomy.

This is such an outdated and stupid way of thinking. An unplanned pregnancy is in no way a consent to have a child together. If you think two people behaving irresponsibly is a consent to have a child, you are foolish. Your friend should have promptly course-corrected their failure to plan, particularly once he made it clear he was not onboard with the decision. Your friend made a unilateral decision to proceed with birthing a child that only one parent wanted. At that point, it became a solo/single parent mission. Either sue for child support or move on.

+1
He should have a say in whether to abort or not.

He did have a say. She disagreed.

Then she should go it alone, no child support.

Why?

Because the child’s parents disagree about them, the child is no longer entitled to financial support from one parent? What weird dystopian universe are you living in? The child exists, the child is entitled to financial support.

She's the one who chose to have the child and she obviously totally disregarded his opinion. She took on the responsibility of raising the child when she decided not to have an abortion. It's not like this relationship was ever going to be long term anyway. Woman up and take responsibility for the decision you made.