Parent has stroke and sibling doesn’t come up

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sad thread.
Every person deserves family in their testing days.

Some of these comments are callous but OP’s MIL has family nearby. She is not alone. The BIL would likely come if this were not the case.

Also, because of her age, the BIL may have already made peace with her death, whenever it happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sad thread.
Every person deserves family in their testing days.

Some of these comments are callous but OP’s MIL has family nearby. She is not alone. The BIL would likely come if this were not the case.

Also, because of her age, the BIL may have already made peace with her death, whenever it happens.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op - idk why ppl are invalidating you. Yes it’s weird! I assume you would already know if they had a weird contentious relationship. Your dh should call brother and say - hey this is your mom - wtf?

It's still none of the OP's business.

[Anonymous]

People can't normally visit in the ICU. At 90+ she may die. They may have to save their vacation time for the funeral. They may have to attend to other details, if she were to die.

[Anonymous]

My grandmother is 92, and I don't visit her much either. She's just no fun to be around. However, I have already written a very long and touching speech about her which I plan to read at her memorial service.
I'm actually quite looking forward to talking about her life, what a wonderful person she was, and comforting my mother. For all you know, your BIL has something similar planned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m annoyed- and surprised - but maybe this is normal? My 91 year old mother in law suffered a stroke last night. We’ve been at hospital all night. She’s doing bit better but at her age in ICU as they can’t predict if she’ll heal and can’t treat it. So they are saying she’ll be in ICU for at least 3 more days. Then maybe rehab hospital- we aren’t sure what will happen with her assisted living siatuokn and if she can return there at some point?
However We texted and called the other brother- who is retired footloose and fancy free- he lives a few states away but is actually visiting his son 4 hours away.
They just told us to keep them informed. WTF!!
I can’t believe they don’t drive up to check on her and help. We both work full time demanding jobs and have three young kids. And with all that, if roles were reversed, even states away I (or my husband) would fly to our parent.
My husband is spending night with her and I’m going back and forth today to drop off things and check on them.

But wouldn’t most people with a 91 year old mom having a stroke visit? Come check and see in person? As doctors have stated, at that age there is no percentage chance they can provide for which direction thiis goes. She seems to be talking and moving- but today bit tougher afternoon. Maybe my expectations are off.

Im the only local child with an aging parent. Three hospital stays over the last 2 years at 2 different hospitals. No hospital lets people stay overnight unless they are quite literally on their death bed, and even then, unlikely.

Not true. My mother m in her 90s was in hospital recently and nurses said I could stay all night if wanted to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not your mom, not your call. Sorry. He obviously knows she is dying and doesn't care much.

And, yes, I absolutely agree with you, OP, that your BIL is a loser. You're doing the right thing supporting your husband and your MIL. Hugs.

Yes he is a loser but I’m sure BIL will arrive quickly when the time comes to settle/get his inheritance. There is a special place in hexx for these people. Carry on op and let your DH decide whether he wants to send text updates or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what role do you think BIL will/can/should take in this matter? She’s in the ICU, in good medical hands, and both you and your husband are there. There’s no reason to rush and drive 4 hours to a full bedside.

The point is bil does not want to. What a loser!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Like another poster said, your MIL is lucky that she's alive at all. Most people her age, even most females, are decaying (or have already decayed) several feet beneath the earth. https://www2.census.gov/library/publications/2010/compendia/statab/130ed/tables/11s0103.pdf Your BIL probably recognizes this and that it would be insulting to people who have died young to fuss over a dying 91-year-old. When I think about the fact that there are babies born daily who never make it home to their cribs, it angers me to no end when anyone over 75 acts like they haven't lived long enough. Your BIL is most likely ready to let his mother go. If anything, you should admire him for not letting the fact that she's his mother blind him from the fact that it's time for her to die.

WTF is wrong with you? Seriously.

+1 Dude, WTF

+2 We have some horrible people posting here.

+100.. lots of broken people here…gheessh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Like another poster said, your MIL is lucky that she's alive at all. Most people her age, even most females, are decaying (or have already decayed) several feet beneath the earth. https://www2.census.gov/library/publications/2010/compendia/statab/130ed/tables/11s0103.pdf Your BIL probably recognizes this and that it would be insulting to people who have died young to fuss over a dying 91-year-old. When I think about the fact that there are babies born daily who never make it home to their cribs, it angers me to no end when anyone over 75 acts like they haven't lived long enough. Your BIL is most likely ready to let his mother go. If anything, you should admire him for not letting the fact that she's his mother blind him from the fact that it's time for her to die.

WTF is wrong with you? Seriously.

+1 Dude, WTF

+2 We have some horrible people posting here.

The reason we have the ability to reproduce is because we're not meant to live forever. I have a grandmother the same age as the OP's MIL, and the fact that she's related to me doesn't prevent me from recognizing that it's time for her to die as well. The OP's BIL is coming at this situation from a scientific angel and not letting his emotions blind him from the importance of the greater good. The OP's husband, on the other hand, seems to be succumbing to his emotions.

No DH is taking responsibility and bil is not because he is a loser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not your brother-in-law's fault his mother had a stroke. She's old. Her health is not his problem. He has a life of his own. He's an adult, and does not have to go everywhere his parents go anymore.

He has a moral obligation to do the right thing and not just drop it on his siblings. He is a loser.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not your brother-in-law's fault his mother had a stroke. She's old. Her health is not his problem. He has a life of his own. He's an adult, and does not have to go everywhere his parents go anymore.

He has a moral obligation to do the right thing and not just drop it on his siblings. He is a loser.

How do you know he would object if his brother stopped visiting their mother as well? Haven't you heard the saying, "to each his own"? Just like OP's brother-in-law has no right to tell her husband to not visit their mother, her husband has no right to tell her brother-in-law to visit their mother. The BIL is probably just grateful that their mother lived as long as she did. I mean, I have a childhood friend whose mother died in her 30s when she was only 8.

So?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's a difference between mom having a stroke at 60 or 70 and it's the first emergency and mom having a stroke in her 90s, you have your own health issues, adult children issues, and you've been doing the aging parent and inlaw dance for decades. Just because he is retired does not mean he is footlose and fancy free. You do you. All you can control is you. You cannot force anyone else to something, but apparently you feel free to judge up a storm. Even if your husband had a good relationship, doesn't mean the brother did. Many dysfunctional and even abusive families have a golden child and scapegoat.

This. You were not there and can't know the relationship. What would be different if he was there? Be specific in asks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nobody that old is worth making that kind of sacrifice for. Sorry.

Wow. Sorry no one cares about you.

[Anonymous]

For all those calling the OP's brother a loser, how do you know he's not extremely nice to other people?