Is 13 too young or normal age to identify as gay?

[Anonymous]

Totally normal- didn't you have crushes by age 13? I know I did even in elementary school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:13yo DC has told me that they are gay. I am of course supportive. Gave them a hug and told them that I love them no matter what. I guess my question is, is this a typical age when people know one way are the other? I asked DC when they had an inkling, and they said around 4th grade.

It’s only been a week and nothing has changed in our relationship, but I’d love some thoughts/advice on how to navigate this. At the moment, they are at a progressive private middle school where there are a number of LGBTQ+ families and students, but I’m a little worried about the transition to a large public high school next year. Thanks for any advice!

Lots of kids know at that age. All of the kids are starting to get interested in dating and relationships. If a kid is gay, they are going to be interested in dating someone of their own gender.

[Anonymous]

Totally normal to know at that age. I personally wouldn't make a big deal out of it with family. I wouldn't hide it or anything, but IMO the extended family doesn't need to know who he is interested in dating at 13. If he wants to make an announcement, of course, that's different and you should be supportive. For me it would have been a nightmare to have everyone focused on my sexuality at 13 - but kids are different.

One of my cousins is gay and I actually found out via Facebook bc she was posting pics with a gf (she was in college at the time). It worked kind of well - I told my parents and siblings, and when she showed up at the next family event with the gf everyone was prepared for it and no one said anything dumb by accident (my family was all supportive, but my parents sometimes use outdated language or ask awkward questions if not coached, so it was nice to be able to head that off). But she just showed up and introduced the person she was dating, the same way any straight person in the family would.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s normal to know. I think the current emphasis on it means we ask our kids to lead with their sexuality, as if that were the most important thing about them. I’d be supportive, but not emphasize it going forward.

This. Kids have crushes and are attracted to others in middle school, so it's pretty normal to have a general sense of your orientation at that age. We just treat it as a normal part of adolescence for straight kids, but make it a much bigger deal for others. If we just treated it as normal -- sure you have crushes or are attracted to people of your sex, but also you like math and play soccer and enjoy funny movies and like to draw unicorns and want to be an architect someday, etc. It's just one part of your identity. Treat it as normal, and also not as a big deal.

[Anonymous]

OP, your DC is very lucky to have you as a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your DC is very lucky to have you as a parent.

Agree with that!

[Anonymous]

I would say that during middle school my kid announced she was bi. Then a little later that she was a lesbian. Then a little later that she was bi after all. So that varied somewhat but what didn't vary is that she knew for sure that she wasn't heterosexual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s normal to know. I think the current emphasis on it means we ask our kids to lead with their sexuality, as if that were the most important thing about them. I’d be supportive, but not emphasize it going forward.

This. Kids have crushes and are attracted to others in middle school, so it's pretty normal to have a general sense of your orientation at that age. We just treat it as a normal part of adolescence for straight kids, but make it a much bigger deal for others. If we just treated it as normal -- sure you have crushes or are attracted to people of your sex, but also you like math and play soccer and enjoy funny movies and like to draw unicorns and want to be an architect someday, etc. It's just one part of your identity. Treat it as normal, and also not as a big deal.

Eh I don’t know. It is a big deal to somebody who has just figured out they are gay and has come out to a loved one. Treating your child’s orientation like it’s about as noteworthy as their eye color can be really dismissive. You don’t need to act like it’s their entire personality but you also don’t need to suggest they need to tone it down.

[Anonymous]

My DS told me at 9 years old. So, yeah, I don't think 13 is too young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:13yo DC has told me that they are gay. I am of course supportive. Gave them a hug and told them that I love them no matter what. I guess my question is, is this a typical age when people know one way are the other? I asked DC when they had an inkling, and they said around 4th grade.

It’s only been a week and nothing has changed in our relationship, but I’d love some thoughts/advice on how to navigate this. At the moment, they are at a progressive private middle school where there are a number of LGBTQ+ families and students, but I’m a little worried about the transition to a large public high school next year. Thanks for any advice!

Uugh. Think about that, OP.

Np. Pp can you explain why you highlight and said what you said?

[Anonymous]

Every single gay or lesbian person I've ever known and talked about this with have all told me they knew around ages 6-7.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:13yo DC has told me that they are gay. I am of course supportive. Gave them a hug and told them that I love them no matter what. I guess my question is, is this a typical age when people know one way are the other? I asked DC when they had an inkling, and they said around 4th grade.

It’s only been a week and nothing has changed in our relationship, but I’d love some thoughts/advice on how to navigate this. At the moment, they are at a progressive private middle school where there are a number of LGBTQ+ families and students, but I’m a little worried about the transition to a large public high school next year. Thanks for any advice!

Uugh. Think about that, OP.

Np. Pp can you explain why you highlight and said what you said?

DP here. My DS is gay. I'm going to guess that the PP who highlighted the sentence believes that in saying "no matter what," the parent is implying that there is something wrong with being gay.

IMO, that's not true. It's fine to say "no matter what." Because regardless whether as a parent you're totally okay with it, the child might be nervous - not just about your relationship with your child but about all of their relationships. In saying "no matter what," you are also saying that you will be there for them no matter what the obstacles are. Also, you are saying that if, for whatever reason, they later wonder if they're bi or trans or whatever, you'll still be there, no matter what.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:13yo DC has told me that they are gay. I am of course supportive. Gave them a hug and told them that I love them no matter what. I guess my question is, is this a typical age when people know one way are the other? I asked DC when they had an inkling, and they said around 4th grade.

It’s only been a week and nothing has changed in our relationship, but I’d love some thoughts/advice on how to navigate this. At the moment, they are at a progressive private middle school where there are a number of LGBTQ+ families and students, but I’m a little worried about the transition to a large public high school next year. Thanks for any advice!

Uugh. Think about that, OP.

Np. Pp can you explain why you highlight and said what you said?

DP here. My DS is gay. I'm going to guess that the PP who highlighted the sentence believes that in saying "no matter what," the parent is implying that there is something wrong with being gay.

IMO, that's not true. It's fine to say "no matter what." Because regardless whether as a parent you're totally okay with it, the child might be nervous - not just about your relationship with your child but about all of their relationships. In saying "no matter what," you are also saying that you will be there for them no matter what the obstacles are. Also, you are saying that if, for whatever reason, they later wonder if they're bi or trans or whatever, you'll still be there, no matter what.

Op here. Thank you for this. It was what I implied. DC was visibly nervous when telling me, and was visibly relieved when I said that I loved them no matter what-it doesn’t matter if they’re gay/straight/bi/trans, whatever. My child is my child and I love them and will do everything I can to help and support them in any way they need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s normal to know. I think the current emphasis on it means we ask our kids to lead with their sexuality, as if that were the most important thing about them. I’d be supportive, but not emphasize it going forward.

This. Kids have crushes and are attracted to others in middle school, so it's pretty normal to have a general sense of your orientation at that age. We just treat it as a normal part of adolescence for straight kids, but make it a much bigger deal for others. If we just treated it as normal -- sure you have crushes or are attracted to people of your sex, but also you like math and play soccer and enjoy funny movies and like to draw unicorns and want to be an architect someday, etc. It's just one part of your identity. Treat it as normal, and also not as a big deal.

Eh I don’t know. It is a big deal to somebody who has just figured out they are gay and has come out to a loved one. Treating your child’s orientation like it’s about as noteworthy as their eye color can be really dismissive. You don’t need to act like it’s their entire personality but you also don’t need to suggest they need to tone it down.

DP. That’s why it is important to take their lead. Some may want to talk a lot about it. Others won’t. You don’t want to make a big deal about it if that’s not what your kid wants. You may think you are being supportive but you could be smothering. We all know how hard it is to get anything right with the 13 year olds!

To OPs question about DH, don’t push it. I would have never wanted to talk to my dad about anyone I liked at that age. My dad was very supportive and in many ways more able to listen and understand than my mom. I didn’t see that until I was an adult and someone pushing me would have made me withdraw.

[Anonymous]

Short answer: it’s a normal age to know which sex you are attracted to

Longer answer: it’s also in the realm of possibility she’s a normal teen and trying to find her identity. She may be gay. She may not be. She may be figuring it out and it could be a stage that passes and it might also be who she is. The important thing either way is she knows she’s accepted by you so she can be comfortable to discover these things for herself without judgment or fear.